In The Grave

[poetkitten]

Draft #1

In The Grave


A drop of blood,
Scarlet red.
Upon a rose,
It then bled.

Weeping through silk, 
Of fleece white.
Blending smoothly,
With all it's might.

Turning first pink,
Supple and sweet.
Then concaving further,
Fathomless red it meets.

A plummeting descent,
To flounders floors.
Where it then rests/sleeps/slumbers, (not sure which one)
Forevermore. 

A single petal,
Upon rows of gore.
Lying impaired,
Forevermore.


Draft #2

From Beyond The Grave
(yep, I was a bit scratched for titles, usually they come but this time I put any old thing down. Still no idea what to put though really. Also, I wrote this then I saw a competition (never such innocence) and they were to be themed WW1, and realised that this was slightly like that, some edits needed. Experimenting with/without rhyme now) 


A drop of blood,
Red like Scarlet,
Descending on a rose
In a fathomless pit.

Tearing through silk
Of the purest white,
Seeking to grasp
All concept of life.

Turning first pink,
Soft and sweet.
Then concaving further,
Sunless red it meets.-Not sure how to fix the syntax and the shift to passive? Does 'sunless' fix the syntax? I felt there was something off about 'meets' but wasn't sure what else to do. 

When the ground shatters,
The "gods" of the sky fly past.
Spilt blood is as a river of tears
That can be cried from distant lands.

A plummeting descent,
To flounders floors/To rows of gore.
Where a petal then rests,
Forevermore.


Draft #3

When the ground shatters,
The "heroes" of the sky fly past.
Spilt blood cries as a river of tears
That is heard from distant lands.

A drop of blood,
Red like scarlet.
Descending on a rose
In a fathomless pit.

Tearing through silk
Of the purest white,
Seeking to grasp
Every trace of life.

Turning first blush,
Soft and sweet.
Then pouring further,
Sunless red it meets.

A plummeting descent,
To rows of gore.
Where a petal then rests,
Forevermore.

[Todd]

Hi poetkitten, 

Welcome to the site! I don't often critique rhyming verse, but I did want to give you some feedback. Hopefully, the comments will be helpful to you.

From a content perspective, I'm not sure what's happening in the poem. The title leads with: In the Grave and then a rose comes into view--a rose presumably without the thorns clipped off. I would expect a natural rose to be outside the grave--but to the lines themselves.

In The Grave


A drop of blood,
Scarlet red.
Upon a rose,
It then bled.--okay, the cadence doesn't bother me. This line, however, feels like it's here to accommodate the rhyme. I'm also not a fan of your repeated use of "it" in the poem.

Weeping through silk, 
Of fleece white.--If silk is in the line above, fleece implies wool and feels wrong here. Also, the meter feels wrong on this line.
Blending smoothly,
With all it's might.--its not it's. Also, might feels like the wrong word here. The image doesn't seem to be one of might--again the word seems to be only there for the rhyme.

Turning first pink,
Supple and sweet.--What does this really say?
Then concaving further,
Fathomless red it meets.--Syntax feels off here. Also, I'm not liking the shift into passive voice.

A plummeting descent,
To flounders floors.--lost me here
Where it then rests/sleeps/slumbers, (not sure which one)--of the three probably rests
Forevermore. 

A single petal,
Upon rows of gore.--not a bad phrase for adjacent plots in a cemetery.
Lying impaired,--impaired seems like the wrong word.
Forevermore.--If you're going to repeat forevermore, you probably want it as a refrain on each stanza.

Just some thoughts, I hope they help some.

Best,

Todd

[nibbed]

In The Grave                               Here I am placing myself in a casket, at least looking into one that is in the ground, observing.


A drop of blood,                           from whence did the blood appear and why?
Scarlet red.                                  scarlet may hint scarlet letter, scarlet fever, scarlet o'hara,  an artist tube, or scar(hurt) let (allowed)
Upon a rose,                                rose, someone who was lifted? a person's name or a flower placed in the grave.
It then bled.                                 The rose had artificial coloring, dye, hurt, or some reason why it "bled"?                 

Weeping through silk,                  this is where it gets visual for me
Of fleece white.                             coffin lining in white
Blending smoothly,
With all it's might.                         its

Turning first pink,                         I'd eliminate the comma and carry it thru to the next line
Supple and sweet.
Then concaving further,
Fathomless red it meets.               Here I get a little lost

A plummeting descent,                 the rose's bleeding
To flounders floors.                       does this need an apostrophe? Is flounders a noun or verb? A noun makes little sense. Flat?
Where it then rests/sleeps/slumbers, (not sure which one)      no then, perhaps use a two syllable word
Forevermore. 

A single petal,
Upon rows of gore.                        I see ribs, rows
Lying impaired,                              
Forevermore.                                 I wonder the raven's behavior, nesting practices, I see black with purple sheen
                                                      a beautiful creature I remember from memory, wise and clever from youth

Hi poetkitten

The poem does need a bit more clarity, but the rhyme with improvement shows it is heading in the right direction.
You certainly bravely ventured where few choose to go. Thank you for sharing and an opportunity to read your work.

-nibbed

[20_Hamilton_18]

Hey poetkitten, new here so take my opinions with a grain of salt. Given the subject matter I am not convinced that the use of rhyming verse fits tonally with the kind of emotions which you are trying to convey. Perhaps this is a choice on your part stylistically to contrast with image and the message? What I do like is the abrupt nature of the imagery for me that evokes and sits well with the drop of blood image that we are first presented with at the beginning of the work. That being said, I would move this first image and the stanza in which it sits and nestle it within the poem, this would in my opinion help the concept of the work not feel signposted to the reader from the beginning. Moreover; I think it would help create a stronger and more punchy denouement to the piece.

Regards

Johnny