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Threads: 2
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Paper Dolls - Draft Two
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray
Like a scythe
The clocks hands reave
Paper doll heads tumble
The end offers reprieve
Infinity never stumbles
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink
Paper dolls do not care
Paper dolls do not think
Paper Dolls - Draft One
Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased.
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave,
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death;
offers reprieve,
to infinities slow shuffle.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
Posts: 38
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2018
The rhyming scheme here sounded off to me in places, although I don't know if that's intended. The idea starts of nice enough but seems to falter into cynical clichés in the 2 paras in between without adding much. It is not that using common truisms in poems is a cardinal sin (although it often doesn't work in my experience) but there should be something new or interesting added to it.
(01-27-2018, 03:11 PM)moot Wrote: Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased. So far so good
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies. Two sentences that mean the same thing,
Followed by another truism that seems only loosely related and doesn't add up for me.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
This paragraph could have been replaced by the last sentence without much change in the message
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave,
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death;
offers reprieve,
to infinities slow shuffle. Tumble and shuffle... don't really rhyme.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink. First line has too many syllables, 2nd line too many. Not sure if by intention.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
Nice enough ending.
Overall, this poem doesn't do enough: Paper dolls/puppets/dolls in general as metaphors have been used pretty widely in prose and poetry both: just stating worn out sayings in the context of that theme is hard to appreciate for me. I liked the way it began, though.
Posts: 1,325
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Hi, moot, welcome to the site. Some thoughts:
(01-27-2018, 03:11 PM)moot Wrote: Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased.
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
I think these four lines could be cut. You say the same thing in the more interesting lines below.
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave, Beautiful lines in image and sonics, not sure you need the comma.
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death;
offers reprieve,
to infinities slow shuffle.
I think the loss of the semicolon and comma would improve this, letting the breaks do their job.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
The end lines come back well to the beginning with a similar chill.
Hope this helps, thanks for posting.
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(01-27-2018, 03:11 PM)moot Wrote: Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased.
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave,
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death;
offers reprieve,
to infinities slow shuffle.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased.
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave, -I like the use of the word reave here.
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death; -I'd eliminate this semi-colon
offers reprieve, and this comma
to infinities slow shuffle.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink. -not sure about "cut out", but I understand the metaphor concerning blindness.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
Interesting poem, brought me back to the days of paper dolls
and stirred up some recent things, too, the last two lines.
A rather sad truth.
Thank you for the read!
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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Threads: 2
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(01-28-2018, 11:15 AM)nibbed Wrote: (01-27-2018, 03:11 PM)moot Wrote: Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased.
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave,
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death;
offers reprieve,
to infinities slow shuffle.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased.
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave, -I like the use of the word reave here.
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death; -I'd eliminate this semi-colon
offers reprieve, and this comma
to infinities slow shuffle.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink. -not sure about "cut out", but I understand the metaphor concerning blindness.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
Interesting poem, brought me back to the days of paper dolls
and stirred up some recent things, too, the last two lines.
A rather sad truth.
Thank you for the read!
-nibbed
Thanks for the review
I'll edit the second paragraph into something a little more coherent  Cheers!!
(01-27-2018, 06:16 PM)ritwiksadhu33 Wrote: The rhyming scheme here sounded off to me in places, although I don't know if that's intended. The idea starts of nice enough but seems to falter into cynical clichés in the 2 paras in between without adding much. It is not that using common truisms in poems is a cardinal sin (although it often doesn't work in my experience) but there should be something new or interesting added to it.
(01-27-2018, 03:11 PM)moot Wrote: Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased. So far so good
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies. Two sentences that mean the same thing,
Followed by another truism that seems only loosely related and doesn't add up for me.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
This paragraph could have been replaced by the last sentence without much change in the message
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave,
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death;
offers reprieve,
to infinities slow shuffle. Tumble and shuffle... don't really rhyme.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink. First line has too many syllables, 2nd line too many. Not sure if by intention.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
Nice enough ending.
Overall, this poem doesn't do enough: Paper dolls/puppets/dolls in general as metaphors have been used pretty widely in prose and poetry both: just stating worn out sayings in the context of that theme is hard to appreciate for me. I liked the way it began, though.
Thanks for the review. I did not know this topic was cliche
I have two questions
Question (1)
With truisms in poetry...what do you mean by adding something new after one? Are you referring to a line with a truism and than possibly adding or including something like a simile along with it it?
Question (2)
I noticed that you refer to syllable count when reviewing poetry. Is it important to attempt to have a similar number of syllables in poetry to make a work flow better?
Thanks!!!
(01-27-2018, 09:07 PM)ellajam Wrote: Hi, moot, welcome to the site. Some thoughts:
(01-27-2018, 03:11 PM)moot Wrote: Paper dolls,
cut to please.
In perfect rows,
sharply creased.
Ruin marks the passage of time.
All good things fray,
The end never lies.
Paper dolls fall into decay.
I think these four lines could be cut. You say the same thing in the more interesting lines below.
Like a scythe,
the clocks hands reave, Beautiful lines in image and sonics, not sure you need the comma.
Paper doll heads tumble.
Death;
offers reprieve,
to infinities slow shuffle.
I think the loss of the semicolon and comma would improve this, letting the breaks do their job.
Paper dolls stare,
Cut out eyes that never blink.
Paper dolls do not care.
Paper dolls do not think.
The end lines come back well to the beginning with a similar chill.
Hope this helps, thanks for posting.
Thanks for the review  I hate it when I can't see the poetic forest for the trees. I did not realize I had painted myself into a cliched corner when writing about puppets. I will edit into something that hopefully flows a little better.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken
Oscar Wilde
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Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2018
Hi moot,
Quote:With truisms in poetry...what do you mean by adding something new after one? Are you referring to a line with a truism and than possibly adding or including something like a simile along with it it?
Truisms are basically sayings: Like the first 3 sentences in that paragraph. They are not uncommonly used in classical poetry: however, stuffing 3 of them together does seem a bit too much. Besides, as nibbed said, you allegorically say the same thing in the next paragraph, so it seems like you are explaining yourself, which is always a bad move.
Quote:I noticed that you refer to syllable count when reviewing poetry. Is it important to attempt to have a similar number of syllables in poetry to make a work flow better?
In metred (rhymed) verse it does matter, or at least it feels off when I read it out in my mind. Varying syllables are allowed in many different rhyme schemes - you could try some of them out. The site has several resources from what I saw (I'm new here as well). Exceptions are free verse poems that sparingly use rhyme in places for emphasis or effect: this is definitely not one of them.
Quote:I did not know this topic was cliche
Paper dolls/puppets/dolls in general are an often used metaphor for humans helpless in the hands of fate/time/destiny. However, with the age of humankind, most topics that you can think of have been written about - it's just that you have to add enough new and interesting observations/images to make it work - I felt that this poem could use a few more.
Quote:I hate it when I can't see the poetic forest for the trees. I did not realize I had painted myself into a cliched corner when writing about puppets.
I couldn't quite go that far - despite some rhyming issues the 1st, 3rd and last paragraph read nice enough. However, it is sometimes necessary to distance yourself from the "cuteness" of words and phrases, and try to think whether the poem as whole tells something a reader has not already heard - something that you personally add to it. This was/is a common issue with some of my writings, although I tend to veer at the opposite end, writing random stuff that makes no sense at all to anybody other than me.
As a side note, I mixed up the forums while critting this, something that you might or might not have picked up.  Sorry about that.
(Using a tablet has its limitations on replies)
Personally, I like the visuals that poetry can whip up for me when I'm reading. And I love the word "scythe". I grew up pronouncing it "Skith". But that's just my ill-logic.
All good things fray... The best line you wrote!
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[quote="moot" pid='238810' dateline='1517033477']
Paper Dolls - Draft Two
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay -I feel like this line doesn't flow, but it could just be the way I am reading it. At the start you set quite a fast pace, short sentences, and this seems slightly out of place.
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray
Like a scythe
The clocks hands reave
Paper doll heads tumble
The end offers reprieve
Infinity never stumbles-this is interesting, it is contradicting and challenging the sentences above (not in any bad way, the way you have done it is good). It meantions the "death" of dolls, then how something that is infinite doesn't stop. Dolls could be viewed as infinite since they don't "die" in that way it might contradict, however it could also slightly change meanings. Giving a moral, such as 'the doll she aren't infinite' or even deeper 'no object in this world is infinite'. Well done
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink
Paper dolls do not care
Paper dolls do not think-I like these last two lines, it ends on a rhyme, but also it seems to confirm the theme of the poem and gives what is as close as poetry gets to a moral.
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Paper Dolls - Draft Two
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay- I find this line out of place with the general rhythm of the poem- and a little difficult to interpret, too. For me, it makes it difficult to follow what you are aiming to portray in this verse
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray
Like a scythe
The clocks hands reave
Paper doll heads tumble
The end offers reprieve
Infinity never stumbles - great imagery in this verse! I particularly like the first three lines and the portrayal of time and how it is fleeting in the presence of death
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink
Paper dolls do not care - this contradicts with your first verse "cut to please". My initial interpretation of the poem was of social conformity (maybe this was not it's intention) but this line seems this idea (do we not conform based on an underlying desire to please others?). This may just be my interpretation but for me it seems inconsistent to the image that was being built
Paper dolls do not think - Love a poem with a good, strong final line. This is one of them.
Hi Moot,
What is best about your poem is:
1) You use imagery well - the image is clear in my mind.
2) You don't have a lot of unnecessary language
3) A lot of people who post in beginner forums and use rhyme struggle to use it well, and end up using poor rhyme choices, but you don't have that problem.
Some limitations/areas of potential improvement of your poem are:
1) Your subject matter is light - paper dolls are a limited subject matter and even their ability to be symbolic of larger is limited. Fortunately, you keep your poem short and light which fits your light subject matter. I think, however, that your poem is one stanza too long. I'd cut the third stanza, and there's other reasons why I'd pick that stanza to cut (as follows).
2) The second stanza is about the decay of the dolls over time and the third stanza is just repeating that idea. But the third stanza has a couple of additional problems.
3) One additional problem I see in the third stanza is the words, "like a scythe the clock hands reave" are not precise. This is a bit of a mixed metaphor. Clock hands don't actually reave. Clock hands are symbolic of time, and everything decays in time, but not "like" a scythe reaves, because the reaving of a scythe is quick and immediate - one moment something is not reaved and the next it is reaved when talking about scythes. A symbol often associated with old age is death, because old people die, and death is associated with the image of a man in a dark cloak carrying a scythe, so this is where your metaphor becomes mixed. It seems you're trying to tie all this together in one image but it doesn't work literally.
4) Another additional problem I see in the third stanza is that it mentions that the dolls' heads "tumble" as if reaved by a scythe; yet, the fourth stanza then wants to speak about the eyes of the dolls. But if the heads have tumbled off in the third stanza then the eyes would have needed to tumble off with the heads.
Fortunately, all this is easily fixable just by removing the unnecessary third stanza, making the poem tighter and snappier while removing all your biggest problem areas. As a final touch, I would then think about switching the last stanza to make it the second stanza. To wit:
Paper Dolls - After Suggested Changes
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink
Paper dolls do not care
Paper dolls do not think
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray
Posts: 1,568
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Hello moot,
A very good friend of mine once used paper dolls as a metaphor for her decline into Parkinson's disease (to which she later succumbed). I find your use of them similarly poignant as a social commentary -- to my initial reading, about the need to conform to the perfect image, though I can read this a few different ways. It is a particularly non-masculine poem. There are a few issues with it which could be quite easily sorted out; the first and most pressing for me is your use of rhyme with inconsistent meter. In such short lines, I feel that adherence to meter is fairly important as otherwise your rhymes tend to fall in the wrong places and jar. This is particularly noticeable in the second and third stanzas. It is definitely a poem that can be worked with, however.
(01-27-2018, 03:11 PM)moot Wrote: Paper Dolls - Draft Two
Paper dolls
Cut to please -- this is a very telling line. To please is their only purpose
In perfect rows
Sharply creased -- implies pain in order to achieve perfection
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay -- perhaps you would consider "in creeping decay" or something similar, for meter
Paper creasing into scars -- similarly, something like "creases to scars"
Sheets of ivory fray -- are they really sheets anymore?
Like a scythe
The clocks hands reave -- this is a bit of a mixed image, but I can stretch to that -- I would probably suggest ditching "like a scythe" though, as the simile weakens the image a bit -- also, *clock's
Paper doll heads tumble -- you could cut "doll" from this line
The end offers reprieve
Infinity never stumbles -- the introduction of infinity at this point is a little problematic straight after talking of an end -- it seems to come from nowhere, and doesn't really work as a contrast to the decay/end concept if that was your intent
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink -- you could remove "that"
Paper dolls do not care
Paper dolls do not think
It could be worse
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First of all, I love your concept. There's some great stuff here. I think you just need a little tightening on the meter and a few polishes and you'll be set. Consider the following revision of your second draft:
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Bleached parts
Creep into decay
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray
Like a ruggest scythe
The clocks hands reave
Paper heads tumble
The end offers reprieve
Infinity never stumbles
Paper dolls stare
Empty eyes never blink
Paper dolls do not care
What you and I think.
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Threads: 2
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(02-22-2018, 01:24 PM)TemporaryForever Wrote: First of all, I love your concept. There's some great stuff here. I think you just need a little tightening on the meter and a few polishes and you'll be set. Consider the following revision of your second draft:
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Bleached parts
Creep into decay
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray
Like a ruggest scythe
The clocks hands reave
Paper heads tumble
The end offers reprieve
Infinity never stumbles
Paper dolls stare
Empty eyes never blink
Paper dolls do not care
What you and I think.
Hi TemporaryForever
Thanks for the review. This is a helpful example. I am interested in improving meter. Cheers.
(02-22-2018, 09:25 AM)Leanne Wrote: Hello moot,
A very good friend of mine once used paper dolls as a metaphor for her decline into Parkinson's disease (to which she later succumbed). I find your use of them similarly poignant as a social commentary -- to my initial reading, about the need to conform to the perfect image, though I can read this a few different ways. It is a particularly non-masculine poem. There are a few issues with it which could be quite easily sorted out; the first and most pressing for me is your use of rhyme with inconsistent meter. In such short lines, I feel that adherence to meter is fairly important as otherwise your rhymes tend to fall in the wrong places and jar. This is particularly noticeable in the second and third stanzas. It is definitely a poem that can be worked with, however.
(01-27-2018, 03:11 PM)moot Wrote: Paper Dolls - Draft Two
Paper dolls
Cut to please -- this is a very telling line. To please is their only purpose
In perfect rows
Sharply creased -- implies pain in order to achieve perfection
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay -- perhaps you would consider "in creeping decay" or something similar, for meter
Paper creasing into scars -- similarly, something like "creases to scars"
Sheets of ivory fray -- are they really sheets anymore?
Like a scythe
The clocks hands reave -- this is a bit of a mixed image, but I can stretch to that -- I would probably suggest ditching "like a scythe" though, as the simile weakens the image a bit -- also, *clock's
Paper doll heads tumble -- you could cut "doll" from this line
The end offers reprieve
Infinity never stumbles -- the introduction of infinity at this point is a little problematic straight after talking of an end -- it seems to come from nowhere, and doesn't really work as a contrast to the decay/end concept if that was your intent
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink -- you could remove "that"
Paper dolls do not care
Paper dolls do not think
Hi Leanne, thanks for the review and suggestions on improving meter.
(02-21-2018, 01:12 PM)Brillig Wrote: Hi Moot,
What is best about your poem is:
1) You use imagery well - the image is clear in my mind.
2) You don't have a lot of unnecessary language
3) A lot of people who post in beginner forums and use rhyme struggle to use it well, and end up using poor rhyme choices, but you don't have that problem.
Some limitations/areas of potential improvement of your poem are:
1) Your subject matter is light - paper dolls are a limited subject matter and even their ability to be symbolic of larger is limited. Fortunately, you keep your poem short and light which fits your light subject matter. I think, however, that your poem is one stanza too long. I'd cut the third stanza, and there's other reasons why I'd pick that stanza to cut (as follows).
2) The second stanza is about the decay of the dolls over time and the third stanza is just repeating that idea. But the third stanza has a couple of additional problems.
3) One additional problem I see in the third stanza is the words, "like a scythe the clock hands reave" are not precise. This is a bit of a mixed metaphor. Clock hands don't actually reave. Clock hands are symbolic of time, and everything decays in time, but not "like" a scythe reaves, because the reaving of a scythe is quick and immediate - one moment something is not reaved and the next it is reaved when talking about scythes. A symbol often associated with old age is death, because old people die, and death is associated with the image of a man in a dark cloak carrying a scythe, so this is where your metaphor becomes mixed. It seems you're trying to tie all this together in one image but it doesn't work literally.
4) Another additional problem I see in the third stanza is that it mentions that the dolls' heads "tumble" as if reaved by a scythe; yet, the fourth stanza then wants to speak about the eyes of the dolls. But if the heads have tumbled off in the third stanza then the eyes would have needed to tumble off with the heads.
Fortunately, all this is easily fixable just by removing the unnecessary third stanza, making the poem tighter and snappier while removing all your biggest problem areas. As a final touch, I would then think about switching the last stanza to make it the second stanza. To wit:
Paper Dolls - After Suggested Changes
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink
Paper dolls do not care
Paper dolls do not think
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray
Hi Brillig. Thanks for the review and including what appears to work and what does not. Cheers.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken
Oscar Wilde
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi again, moot. I'd like to explain my support of the lines "Like a scythe the clocks hands reave" in the hopes that it will not hit the cutting room floor.
Aside from the fun sonics I find the image easy to reach, the sharpened edge of those clock hands that vary their pace for no one, cutting anything in their path without hesitation and continuing their steady movement forward. We've all heard the expression "Life went by in the blink of an eye." I think from the far end of a long life, or even a shorter one, death (or even a life-changing event) can seem to come quickly and forcefully even though it has been a long time building.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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(02-22-2018, 09:40 PM)ellajam Wrote: Hi again, moot. I'd like to explain my support of the lines "Like a scythe the clocks hands reave" in the hopes that it will not hit the cutting room floor.
Aside from the fun sonics I find the image easy to reach, the sharpened edge of those clock hands that vary their pace for no one, cutting anything in their path without hesitation and continuing their steady movement forward. We've all heard the expression "Life went by in the blink of an eye." I think from the far end of a long life, or even a shorter one, death (or even a life-changing event) can seem to come quickly and forcefully even though it has been a long time building.
Hi ellajam, thanks again for the review. This is true. 20 years or 90 years may seem like a long time. Once reached. It would seem that "Life went by in the blink of an eye." Nothing escapes time.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken
Oscar Wilde
Posts: 45
Threads: 7
Joined: Feb 2018
Hey, brand new here so please bear with me. When I sit down to write a critic of anyone’s works I like to read it aloud and see how it feels on the tongue and in this instance there points in which it sits comfortable on both my tongue and my ear and others in which it feels uncomfortable and disjointed. As such the central message of the work is lost because I am becoming distracted by the process of reading the piece. Poetry should work both on paper and as a piece of spoken art. That being said there are images that I like despite finding the central conceit of Paper Dolls trite. I find the image of the scythe and the clock hands underused and would suggest taking this stanza and expanding it as in this I think you have the strongest aspect of the poem itself. Going forward I would use this portion of the work as a jumping off point.
Regards
Johnny
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