Posts: 7
Threads: 4
Joined: Jan 2018
Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
In time i will be done with yesterday and it will be my last.
You drive me closer to my last, you are killing me.
But its okay, I deserve it, don't I?
but i no longer care.
It's my last yesterday.
Because you taught me and i learned.
If it's someone else, it's not me.
and i judge their flaws,
because they deserve it and i don't feel bad.
People hate them for a reason.
There is something wrong with them.
They deserve it.
I do it because I can't live another yesterday,
but i can survive a tomorrow.
Even if the price of my tomorrow is their yesterday.
but one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
I am killing them
but its okay, they deserve it, don't they?
....
I saw that
Why do you sit there and judge me
for becoming you.
Because this happens every fucking day
and we don't want to think we are part of the problem
We want to think that we are good people
So we call others garbage people
We tell ourselves they are disposable.
So we don't feel guilty sacrificing them for our own gain
because as long as it is anyone else, its not us.
and if they are flawed
They deserve it and we don't feel bad.
Why do you sit there and judge others.
You do it to justify your own actions
You do it to hide your own flaws, even from yourself.
because if it's someone else its not you.
You dont want to be a garbage human
You dont want to be disposable.
You want to be validated.
You want to be worthy.
You want it to be anyone but you.
Why do we judge each other
When we are all human.
We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim
We all want to live to see better days.
When we have a bad day we don't want to think tomorrow will just be another yesterday.
Why do we think the only way to change that is by becoming what we hate?
Is it easier to validate ourselves by attacking others?
Does stepping on others bring us closer to the top?
It does, but is it worth it.
If you take away the lies you tell yourself,
Would you still feel like you are a good person?
That people like you?
Do you like you?
I'm not going to tell you that that better day will just come along.
It wont not unless you do something to change your yesterday
but that doesn't mean that you can take your tomorrow from someone else.
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(01-20-2018, 01:15 PM)Kaily Bear Wrote: Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you. -- Should this be a question mark?
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you. - wrong it's
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry, -- Order of words seems off.
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday. -It may be cliche to refer to yesterday like this.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
In time i will be done with yesterday and it will be my last.
You drive me closer to my last, you are killing me.
But its okay, I deserve it, don't I?
but i no longer care.
It's my last yesterday.
Because you taught me and i learned.
If it's someone else, it's not me.
and i judge their flaws,
because they deserve it and i don't feel bad.
People hate them for a reason.
There is something wrong with them.
They deserve it.
I do it because I can't live another yesterday,
but i can survive a tomorrow.
Even if the price of my tomorrow is their yesterday.
but one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
I am killing them
but its okay, they deserve it, don't they?
....
I saw that
Why do you sit there and judge me
for becoming you.
Because this happens every fucking day
and we don't want to think we are part of the problem
We want to think that we are good people
So we call others garbage people
We tell ourselves they are disposable.
So we don't feel guilty sacrificing them for our own gain
because as long as it is anyone else, its not us.
and if they are flawed
They deserve it and we don't feel bad.
Why do you sit there and judge others.
You do it to justify your own actions
You do it to hide your own flaws, even from yourself.
because if it's someone else its not you.
You dont want to be a garbage human
You dont want to be disposable.
You want to be validated.
You want to be worthy.
You want it to be anyone but you.
Why do we judge each other
When we are all human.
We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim
We all want to live to see better days.
When we have a bad day we don't want to think tomorrow will just be another yesterday.
Why do we think the only way to change that is by becoming what we hate?
Is it easier to validate ourselves by attacking others?
Does stepping on others bring us closer to the top?
It does, but is it worth it.
If you take away the lies you tell yourself,
Would you still feel like you are a good person?
That people like you?
Do you like you?
I'm not going to tell you that that better day will just come along.
It wont not unless you do something to change your yesterday
but that doesn't mean that you can take your tomorrow from someone else.
Not really sure how to help you. Maybe add in some images or try to shorten in it in edits.
Posts: 283
Threads: 62
Joined: Aug 2017
Hi Kaily,
Unfortunately this was a pretty taxing read for me. Phrases are repeated, there's the use of incorrect grammar and punctuation (including an inconsistency in capitalization), and this feeling of the poem being way too long-winded. Repetition, for me, is fine in a poem if it's done where the reader's perspective changes each time they come across the phrase being repeated as the poem progresses. Repetition is done here in the mix of an extremely wordy composition. Not only that, but imagery is nearly absent; there's nothing that the reader can relate to. Overall, the poem comes across as venting, which is done to service the writer, not the reader. Also, too many "yesterdays" and "tomorrows", at one point I felt like the writer was deliberately trying to confuse the reader for kicks.
I'd suggest shortening the poem to the very source of what the narrator is feeling and adding something the reader can latch onto. Good luck with it.
Best, Alex
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
In time i will be done with yesterday and it will be my last.
You drive me closer to my last, you are killing me.
But its okay, I deserve it, don't I?
but i no longer care.
It's my last yesterday.
Because you taught me and i learned.
If it's someone else, it's not me.
and i judge their flaws,
because they deserve it and i don't feel bad.
People hate them for a reason.
There is something wrong with them.
They deserve it.
I do it because I can't live another yesterday,
but i can survive a tomorrow.
Even if the price of my tomorrow is their yesterday.
but one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
I am killing them
but its okay, they deserve it, don't they?
....
I saw that
Why do you sit there and judge me
for becoming you.
Because this happens every fucking day
and we don't want to think we are part of the problem
We want to think that we are good people
So we call others garbage people
We tell ourselves they are disposable.
So we don't feel guilty sacrificing them for our own gain
because as long as it is anyone else, its not us.
and if they are flawed
They deserve it and we don't feel bad.
Why do you sit there and judge others.
You do it to justify your own actions
You do it to hide your own flaws, even from yourself.
because if it's someone else its not you.
You dont want to be a garbage human
You dont want to be disposable.
You want to be validated.
You want to be worthy.
You want it to be anyone but you.
Why do we judge each other
When we are all human.
We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim
We all want to live to see better days.
When we have a bad day we don't want to think tomorrow will just be another yesterday.
Why do we think the only way to change that is by becoming what we hate?
Is it easier to validate ourselves by attacking others?
Does stepping on others bring us closer to the top?
It does, but is it worth it.
If you take away the lies you tell yourself,
Would you still feel like you are a good person?
That people like you?
Do you like you?
I'm not going to tell you that that better day will just come along.
It wont not unless you do something to change your yesterday
but that doesn't mean that you can take your tomorrow from someone else.
Hi Kailey Bear
I liked the message, seemingly a plea or reminder of bullying humans, but in part, could also tie into ethnic cleansing. Pain and hurt were evident so I desired all to be well for the speaker. I think it could use a great deal of shortening, though, at least a cut in the repetition of words. It seems to be all expression. I think the poem could include word images, tell where the speaker is standing or sitting, what they see, specifics on why they express their plea. Making word images can be tricky, but you can do it!
For example, I will take this paragraph and add (word) images:
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
change it by sharpening grammar
and eliminating repetitious words
and adding word images:
Your constant put-downs hurt.
My hair was too straight, I spoke with a lisp. (I gave an example)
When you told me that rainy day (I told of an event)
under the old magnolia tree
I was pretty,
I wanted to cry like the sky
because all it did was remind me I wasn't.
Sometimes it helps when I write a poem and go over it several several times before posting it for critique.
Sometimes I don't see things right away after writing them, but passion compels me to post.
It helps if I save my most passionate poems on my drafts, so I can tweak it later, an option we have here.
Many times I keep a poem on my draft, go back to it each day, refining and fixing it before posting.
Sometimes I forget because so often influences make us want to get it out!
I hope this helps and I hope your day is filled with sunshine and happiness.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 17
Threads: 2
Joined: Jan 2018
(01-20-2018, 01:15 PM)Kaily Bear Wrote: Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry, *I'm*
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't. *I*
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change, *I*
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
In time i will be done with yesterday and it will be my last. *I*
You drive me closer to my last, you are killing me.
But its okay, I deserve it, don't I?
but i no longer care. *I*
It's my last yesterday.
Because you taught me and i learned. *I*
If it's someone else, it's not me.
and i judge their flaws,
because they deserve it and i don't feel bad.
People hate them for a reason.
There is something wrong with them.
They deserve it.
I do it because I can't live another yesterday,
but i can survive a tomorrow.
Even if the price of my tomorrow is their yesterday.
but one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
I am killing them *This could flow better. It feels sudden and out of place*
but its okay, they deserve it, don't they?
....
I saw that *what did you see?*
Why do you sit there and judge me
for becoming you.
Because this happens every fucking day
and we don't want to think we are part of the problem
We want to think that we are good people
So we call others garbage people *This feels out of place, 'We want to think we are good people' followed by the line 'So we call ourselves garbage people'
We tell ourselves they are disposable.
So we don't feel guilty sacrificing them for our own gain
one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
because as long as it is anyone else, its not us. *I Liked the coherence and imagery evoked from these lines*
and if they are flawed
They deserve it and we don't feel bad.
Why do you sit there and judge others. *this line appears to repeat previous lines of the poem*
You do it to justify your own actions
You do it to hide your own flaws, even from yourself.
because if it's someone else its not you.
You dont want to be a garbage human
You dont want to be disposable.
You want to be validated.
You want to be worthy.
You want it to be anyone but you.
Why do we judge each other
When we are all human. *is this a rhetorical question?*
We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim
We all want to live to see better days.
When we have a bad day we don't want to think tomorrow will just be another yesterday.
Why do we think the only way to change that is by becoming what we hate?
Is it easier to validate ourselves by attacking others?
Does stepping on others bring us closer to the top?
It does, but is it worth it.
If you take away the lies you tell yourself,
Would you still feel like you are a good person?
That people like you?
Do you like you?
I'm not going to tell you that that better day will just come along. *that that accidental repetition. Do you mean Days?*
It wont not unless you do something to change your yesterday
but that doesn't mean that you can take your tomorrow from someone else. *Good, I like the idea of a thief, stealing another persons time. This line evoked this thought*
I like this work. It is direct. I do not think that all poetry should rhyme. I think that this work could be more cohesive. There is some repetition that could be removed to improve this poem
I liked the following lines:
'one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
because as long as it is anyone else, its not us.'
I thought it better evoked a metaphorical death than following the line:
'I am killing them'
Some lines appear sudden and forced. Some basic punctuation and capitalization errors. One suggestion may be to try to avoid including every detail. How could this be conveyed in the below lines without overtly stating so? Perhaps the utilization of metaphor and words that provoke visual imagery. At times this piece felt a little overworked. I liked the use of metaphor and think this could be further applied in future works.
"We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim"
I liked most of this poem but it could be worked on a bit. I understood what it was about. There were some awkward sentences that have been brought out by other people here such as "You who bring me down because if its me, its not you." For thd most part just some sentence errors.t also is very wordy you can cut this down a bit I don't want to tell you how to write your poem
(01-20-2018, 01:15 PM)Kaily Bear Wrote: Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
In time i will be done with yesterday and it will be my last.
You drive me closer to my last, you are killing me.
But its okay, I deserve it, don't I?
but i no longer care.
It's my last yesterday.
Because you taught me and i learned.
If it's someone else, it's not me.
and i judge their flaws,
because they deserve it and i don't feel bad.
People hate them for a reason.
There is something wrong with them.
They deserve it.
I do it because I can't live another yesterday,
but i can survive a tomorrow.
Even if the price of my tomorrow is their yesterday.
but one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
I am killing them
but its okay, they deserve it, don't they?
....
I saw that
Why do you sit there and judge me
for becoming you.
Because this happens every fucking day
and we don't want to think we are part of the problem
We want to think that we are good people
So we call others garbage people
We tell ourselves they are disposable.
So we don't feel guilty sacrificing them for our own gain
because as long as it is anyone else, its not us.
and if they are flawed
They deserve it and we don't feel bad.
Why do you sit there and judge others.
You do it to justify your own actions
You do it to hide your own flaws, even from yourself.
because if it's someone else its not you.
You dont want to be a garbage human
You dont want to be disposable.
You want to be validated.
You want to be worthy.
You want it to be anyone but you.
Why do we judge each other
When we are all human.
We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim
We all want to live to see better days.
When we have a bad day we don't want to think tomorrow will just be another yesterday.
Why do we think the only way to change that is by becoming what we hate?
Is it easier to validate ourselves by attacking others?
Does stepping on others bring us closer to the top?
It does, but is it worth it.
If you take away the lies you tell yourself,
Would you still feel like you are a good person?
That people like you?
Do you like you?
I'm not going to tell you that that better day will just come along.
It wont not unless you do something to change your yesterday
but that doesn't mean that you can take your tomorrow from someone else.
It's ironic that I'm judging an anti-judgement poem. But don't worry, I'll never judge you.
Coincidently, my first post will be a poem that relates well with this one.
As already stated, it's really long. The message is awesome but it's preachy rather than poetic.
I think everything else has already been said until you post a revision.
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Feb 2018
(01-20-2018, 01:15 PM)Kaily Bear Wrote: Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry, -The grammar seems wrong, perhaps get rid of the you or add 'when you tell me I am pretty'
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
In time i will be done with yesterday and it will be my last.
You drive me closer to my last, you are killing me.
But its okay, I deserve it, don't I?
but i no longer care.
It's my last yesterday.
Because you taught me and i learned.
If it's someone else, it's not me.
and i judge their flaws,
because they deserve it and i don't feel bad.
People hate them for a reason. -Perhaps you could use a word like despise instead, so the word 'hate' isn't repeated. A stronger word would also show the true viciousness of the one side, unaware completely of the other
There is something wrong with them.
They deserve it. -There is a lot of repetition, and I know this might add to the effect, but here perhaps you could say 'earned' instead of 'deserve'. It would show a difference of mind and separate the different personas
I do it because I can't live another yesterday,
but i can survive a tomorrow.
Even if the price of my tomorrow is their yesterday.
but one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
I am killing them
but its okay, they deserve it, don't they?
....
I saw that
Why do you sit there and judge me
for becoming you.
Because this happens every fucking day -Yes, the word does show strong emotion about this happening every day, however I feel like it throws off the feel. It is calm and smooth, then disrupted
and we don't want to think we are part of the problem
We want to think that we are good people
So we call others garbage people
We tell ourselves they are disposable.
So we don't feel guilty sacrificing them for our own gain
because as long as it is anyone else, its not us.
and if they are flawed
They deserve it and we don't feel bad.
Why do you sit there and judge others.
You do it to justify your own actions
You do it to hide your own flaws, even from yourself.
because if it's someone else its not you.
You dont want to be a garbage human
You dont want to be disposable.
You want to be validated.
You want to be worthy.
You want it to be anyone but you.
Why do we judge each other
When we are all human.
We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim
We all want to live to see better days.
When we have a bad day we don't want to think tomorrow will just be another yesterday.
Why do we think the only way to change that is by becoming what we hate?
Is it easier to validate ourselves by attacking others?
Does stepping on others bring us closer to the top?
It does, but is it worth it.
If you take away the lies you tell yourself,
Would you still feel like you are a good person?
That people like you?
Do you like you?
I'm not going to tell you that that better day will just come along.
It wont not unless you do something to change your yesterday
but that doesn't mean that you can take your tomorrow from someone else. -I like this ending. The poem has a moral, and this sums it up nicely. Surprisingly for me, this poem has a good flow to it. It is just surprising because usually I see shorter sentences, however you managed the extra words well
Posts: 17
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2018
Hi Kaily!
You have some terrific ideas and imagery here. I love the title and the tone. There are places I think you've gotten wordy that, if tightened, could improve readability without sacrificing your intent or impact.
For example, the first part of the poem reads as follows:
Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
If I were to tighten/polish this, I'd do it as such:
Why do you sit and judge me for being lonely
When the only time i feel lonely is around you?
You who bring me down because I'm not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because punishment is easier if you think i deserve it.
You tell me so many people hate me there must be a reason
There is something wrong with me.
That I deserve it.
Harsh words and actions brought me down.
So when you told me I'm pretty, I wanted to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday I try to repent so tomorrow will be different,
I dont want to live for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day...should I already have ended this?
----------------
Also, if it were me I might allude to the "Garbage people" aspect sooner rather than delaying it towards the middle/end segment.
Lots of potential here!
Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2018
(01-20-2018, 01:15 PM)Kaily Bear Wrote: Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if it's me, it's not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think I deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That I deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, I want to cry, - 'you I'm told' doesn't make sense, do you mean so that when you told me I'm pretty?
Because all it did was remind me that I wasn't.
Everyday I try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
In time I will be done with yesterday and it will be my last.
You drive me closer to my last, you are killing me.
But it's okay, I deserve it, don't I?
but I no longer care.
It's my last yesterday.
Because you taught me and I learned.
If it's someone else, it's not me.
and I judge their flaws,
because they deserve it and I don't feel bad.
People hate them for a reason.
There is something wrong with them.
They deserve it.
I do it because I can't live another yesterday,
but I can survive a tomorrow.
Even if the price of my tomorrow is their yesterday.
but one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
I am killing them
but its okay, they deserve it, don't they?
....
I saw that
Why do you sit there and judge me
for becoming you.
Because this happens every fucking day
and we don't want to think we are part of the problem
We want to think that we are good people
So we call others garbage people
We tell ourselves they are disposable. - love this - garbage, disposable
So we don't feel guilty sacrificing them for our own gain
because as long as it is anyone else, it's not us.
and if they are flawed
They deserve it and we don't feel bad.
Why do you sit there and judge others. Should this be a '?'
You do it to justify your own actions
You do it to hide your own flaws, even from yourself.
because if it's someone else it's not you.
You dont want to be a garbage human
You dont want to be disposable.
You want to be validated.
You want to be worthy.
You want it to be anyone but you.
Why do we judge each other
When we are all human.
We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim
We all want to live to see better days.
When we have a bad day we don't want to think tomorrow will just be another yesterday.
Why do we think the only way to change that is by becoming what we hate?
Is it easier to validate ourselves by attacking others?
Does stepping on others bring us closer to the top?
It does, but is it worth it.
If you take away the lies you tell yourself,
Would you still feel like you are a good person?
That people like you?
Do you like you?
I'm not going to tell you that that better day will just come along.
It wont not unless you do something to change your yesterday
but that doesn't mean that you can take your tomorrow from someone else.
I love the title and content of this poem -'garbage human'. I corrected some punctuation, often i was used instead of I, and I don't know if this was deliberate to reflect the diminished feelings and self-worth of the speaker in the poem? There is a natural quality to the poem that does well in reflecting the rawness of emotions. However, it could perhaps benefit from some tightening and refining of lines, to give more directness in what is being conveyed, and therefore pack an even greater emotional punch.
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The title is so special is rather sad to see it wasted on a mundane poem. The poem could be made much better if you got rid of all the phrases i’m sure you’ve heard a thousand times.
Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you. wordy. why. me?
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.first thing about the poem that was interesting, but this should be at the end, imo
You who judge me before you know me. I? do? That’s judgy, ain’t it?
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it. how have you been punished. To telly
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it. it is possible for hate to be justified, why isn’t it justified? Preachy.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
In time i will be done with yesterday and it will be my last.
You drive me closer to my last, you are killing me.
But its okay, I deserve it, don't I? there is nothing in these past three stanza that is poetic. Poetry can be emotional, but i’m not feeling it. The monotone drone of accusations laden throughout the poem up to this point drag the poem
but i no longer care. 1) by this point, the reader has to be thinking the same thing. 2) WHAT! You just spend half a page waxing on about how the world was unfair, made the reader sit through all that only to follow it up with a “i don’t care”. WHY! We’ve been robbed. This is a stickup.
It's my last yesterday.
Because you taught me and i learned.
If it's someone else, it's not me.
and i judge their flaws,
because they deserve it and i don't feel bad.
People hate them for a reason.
There is something wrong with them.
They deserve it.
I do it because I can't live another yesterday,
but i can survive a tomorrow.
Even if the price of my tomorrow is their yesterday. It feels like you have a bad flux capacitor.
but one day will be their last
and maybe they won't get a tomorrow.
I am killing them
but its okay, they deserve it, don't they?
....
I saw that
Why do you sit there and judge me
for becoming you.
Because this happens every fucking day feels superfluous
and we don't want to think we are part of the problem
We want to think that we are good people
So we call others garbage people
We tell ourselves they are disposable.
So we don't feel guilty sacrificing them for our own gain
because as long as it is anyone else, its not us.
and if they are flawed
They deserve it and we don't feel bad.
Why do you sit there and judge others.
You do it to justify your own actions
You do it to hide your own flaws, even from yourself.
because if it's someone else its not you.
You dont want to be a garbage human
You dont want to be disposable.
You want to be validated.
You want to be worthy.
You want it to be anyone but you. it?
Why do we judge each other
When we are all human. recursivitiy
We are not garbage
We are not disposable
We are flawed but we are worthy
We all just want to be accepted
None of us want to be the victim Who isn’t garbage? There are some people that are garbage, or is no one garbage. Disposable and garbage are the same thing. listing them twice each time does nothing for the poem. Poems aren’t written on a word count
We all want to live to see better days. we do? Suicide statistics seem to sway the argument to the other side.
When we have a bad day we don't want to think tomorrow will just be another yesterday.
Why do we think the only way to change that is by becoming what we hate?
Is it easier to validate ourselves by attacking others?
Does stepping on others bring us closer to the top? who thinks that, the poem has to show the argument, otherwise your just spouting off at the hip. Make the reader feel what you are saying. I would think it would be easier than writing diatribe of accusations and assumptions. It’s almost getting repulsive.
It does, but is it worth it.
If you take away the lies you tell yourself,
Would you still feel like you are a good person?
That people like you?
Do you like you?
I'm not going to tell you that that better day will just come along.
It wont not unless you do something to change your yesterday
but that doesn't mean that you can take your tomorrow from someone else. This is what you should focus on. but, you need examples so you can SHOW. Could you imagine how boring 13 reasons why would be if it was just filled with generic statements of how unfair life was? We get it. We hear it. This is not new information. Make us feel it, you’ve got a poem
“Save me, smiling jesus... get off that cross...”
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