Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Jan 2018
Edited Version:
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat
against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar
Leftover love.
(Original)
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep
Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
leaves a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Leftovers of love
Breathe slowly The repetition of these lines brings me into the poem. The breathing first makes me think of immediately after the wound
Breathe deep and the healing after the bandaging.
Heal slowly
Heal deep
Skin-bound I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be a compound word. It reads better if it is a dash "Skin - bound" rather than hyphenated as
it is.
gluing each piece This line I felt was awkward in this section. I suggest removing it.
healing it good
leaves a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair I would put "aroused by repair" on it's own line to keep the flow of the previous and following lines.
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth. Is "Leftover" supposed to be capitalized?
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath, Same question for "The" as above.
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust I think "against dust and rust" should be it's own line.
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag. I don't understand the use of the word carnal here as the meaning of the word seems inappropriate for this line.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Overall I thought is was decent. I had a hard time understanding parts of it. I read it as not being a real physical wound, but an emotional one due to the Juliet reference and some of the description strayed from that metaphor.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi Estefanie,
slightly baffled but happily intrigued.
Not sure that the title serves you well,
particularly given the opening two lines.
(Though I suppose there's an interesting
ambiguity in the verb - especially where
S3/4 are concerned)
The Fucking Band-Aid
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
excellent start,
Heal slowly
Heal deep
I don't think these work here
(though you might consider ending with them).
Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
rather an ugly line.
leaves a mark
just a suggestion:
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark.
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
this seems a little overcrowded
(and reads like a list)
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
could you pare back to;
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some Juliet left ?
Or even cut the whole verse
entirely as it seems slightly
out of place relative to
the others.
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
similarly here;
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
the meat seems to be in the last
three lines, though I'm lost on 'drag'
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Again, last three lines do most
of the work. It's a good end line.
I think it would be better
if you could connect the fourth
line more directly to the opening
couplet. At the risk of repetition
I think lines 3 and 4 (S1) would
work here.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Jan 2018
(01-20-2018, 03:45 AM)Scarlet69 Wrote: Breathe slowly The repetition of these lines brings me into the poem. The breathing first makes me think of immediately after the wound
Breathe deep and the healing after the bandaging.
Heal slowly
Heal deep
Skin-bound I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be a compound word. It reads better if it is a dash "Skin - bound" rather than hyphenated as
it is.
gluing each piece This line I felt was awkward in this section. I suggest removing it.
healing it good
leaves a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair I would put "aroused by repair" on it's own line to keep the flow of the previous and following lines.
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth. Is "Leftover" supposed to be capitalized?
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath, Same question for "The" as above.
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust I think "against dust and rust" should be it's own line.
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag. I don't understand the use of the word carnal here as the meaning of the word seems inappropriate for this line.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Overall I thought is was decent. I had a hard time understanding parts of it. I read it as not being a real physical wound, but an emotional one due to the Juliet reference and some of the description strayed from that metaphor.
Thank you so much Scarlet for your time and input  I have had the idea for this poem for a while now so I decided to start structuring it and it was harder than I thought for a couple of reasons. First, English is my second language so I know that I always run the risk of formulating awkward sentences. Second, I wanted to make a metaphor of a very particular situation that I think not many think about, but it's very very common. I would like to give away my metaphor but before that, I would like to know if the changes I've made to the poem make it easier to understand. And yes you are right, I am talking mostly about an emotional wound and its healing process. So that's why I appreciate your feedback a lot! It's been very helpful!
(01-22-2018, 04:36 AM)Knot Wrote: Hi Estefanie,
slightly baffled but happily intrigued.
Not sure that the title serves you well,
particularly given the opening two lines.
(Though I suppose there's an interesting
ambiguity in the verb - especially where
S3/4 are concerned)
The Fucking Band-Aid
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
excellent start,
Heal slowly
Heal deep
I don't think these work here
(though you might consider ending with them).
Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
rather an ugly line.
leaves a mark
just a suggestion:
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark.
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
this seems a little overcrowded
(and reads like a list)
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
could you pare back to;
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some Juliet left ?
Or even cut the whole verse
entirely as it seems slightly
out of place relative to
the others.
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
similarly here;
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
the meat seems to be in the last
three lines, though I'm lost on 'drag'
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Again, last three lines do most
of the work. It's a good end line.
I think it would be better
if you could connect the fourth
line more directly to the opening
couplet. At the risk of repetition
I think lines 3 and 4 (S1) would
work here.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
Thank you very much Knot for your feedback! It has been of great help! As I was telling Scarlet, this is pretty much a very rough draft of an idea for a poem that I've had in my mind for a long time now. And it really helps me to know the confusing or awkward parts. I've used many of your suggestion for its edition and hopefully it makes it easier to understand. I have revised some parts of the poem and I would like to know what you think about it before I explicitly say what the metaphor is about which is mostly about a specific emotional situation.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi Estefanie,
I think you're going in the right direction with the revision.
A couple of thoughts:
Firstly, the opening stanza seems to be a précis of the whole poem.
If viewed as instructions then everything after it feels slightly redundant.
If you don't like the idea of bracketing the piece starting with L1/2 and
ending with L3/4, then perhaps you might consider dividing the piece into
four and having each line of S1 as the first line of a quarter.
Secondly, I think it might be more effective as a metaphor if you
removed all the 'emotional' elements from it.
Let the physical represent the emotional.
Just a cut and paste idea;
Breathe slowly
glued Skin-bound,
each piece leaves [you]
mark[ed].
Breathe deep
No dirt. [Bear}
the itching
beneath
Heal slowly
slow transmutation
sterile, a carnal
drag.
Heal deep
Hold your breath
pull it apart,
[slowly]
unfold
the fresh scar.
Posts: 38
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2018
I really liked the poem overall. A few small things seemed out of place, although I may be nitpicking here. I've pointed them out below.
(01-17-2018, 05:35 AM)Estefanie.V Wrote: Edited Version:
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep These lines really bring out dimensions of the "injury". I like.
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth. Excellent use of enjambment, well suited to the words
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat
against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation Nice contrast, but the combination of two heavy words
Interrupts the tone of the poem a little here. I am not suggesting you edit this though
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections Too many words, maybe? I'd suggest you bring them out of the grammatical framework if you must use them. Much like the first line of this paragraph.
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar
Leftover love.
(Original)
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep
Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
leaves a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Leftovers of love
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Jan 2018
(01-25-2018, 12:22 AM)Knot Wrote: Hi Estefanie,
I think you're going in the right direction with the revision.
A couple of thoughts:
Firstly, the opening stanza seems to be a précis of the whole poem.
If viewed as instructions then everything after it feels slightly redundant.
If you don't like the idea of bracketing the piece starting with L1/2 and
ending with L3/4, then perhaps you might consider dividing the piece into
four and having each line of S1 as the first line of a quarter.
Secondly, I think it might be more effective as a metaphor if you
removed all the 'emotional' elements from it.
Let the physical represent the emotional.
Just a cut and paste idea;
Breathe slowly
glued Skin-bound,
each piece leaves [you]
mark[ed].
Breathe deep
No dirt. [Bear}
the itching
beneath
Heal slowly
slow transmutation
sterile, a carnal
drag.
Heal deep
Hold your breath
pull it apart,
[slowly]
unfold
the fresh scar.
Thank you for the suggestion! I am really liking that version, do you mind it if I use it as a final version?
I attempted to make an analogy of how rebound relationships feel right after having a significant emotional rupture with someone else. Usually the person who takes the role of "the band-aid" in a rebound relationship ends up damaged by getting involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Perhaps, I should write more strongly from the perspective of "the band-aid" rather than from the perspective of the person using the band-aid...
(01-27-2018, 05:18 AM)ritwiksadhu33 Wrote: I really liked the poem overall. A few small things seemed out of place, although I may be nitpicking here. I've pointed them out below.
[quote="Estefanie.V" pid='238405' dateline='1516134936']
Edited Version:
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep These lines really bring out dimensions of the "injury". I like.
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth. Excellent use of enjambment, well suited to the words
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat
against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation Nice contrast, but the combination of two heavy words
Interrupts the tone of the poem a little here. I am not suggesting you edit this though
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections Too many words, maybe? I'd suggest you bring them out of the grammatical framework if you must use them. Much like the first line of this paragraph.
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar
Leftover love.
Thank you for your feedback!
I am considering taking out all of the emotional references and leave only the images of physical pain or discomfort in order to exemplify emotional pain... perhaps it would work better?
Posts: 38
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2018
Quote:I am considering taking out all of the emotional references and leave only the images of physical pain or discomfort in order to exemplify emotional pain... perhaps it would work better?
I assume you are referring to this paragraph:
Quote:Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Yeah, that might be better.
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Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2018
I love the visuals this one gives me. Very raw. Very intense. There were a couple of times that I wasn't sure if you were transitioning to a rhyming scheme or not, for example:
no more affection,
lust or infections.
Perhaps you alter one of these words to improve the flow. Unless of course, you were going for the rhyme.
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
Quote:Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep I think you can drop this stanza completely.
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark This, coupled with the title leaves quite an image. I just wish you had embellished it more than “just a mark”
Passion to heal
addicted to mend addicted doesn’t really work with addicted to mend, i understand what you are saying but the phrasing doesn’t work. Maybe driven works better, but of course, it looses the negative connotation you wish to convey
aroused by repair
licking the gash this runs into the previous list in a not so pleasant way. You’ve got action, action action, object. I think it needs to be separated by a period or perhaps brought down to its own stanza.
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound. I like all the imagery here, with the exception of no dirt. I don’t get that, it seems like you would expect for there to be dirt in the situation described, is there really innocence?
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat
against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag. Some interesting imagery here, but the long list from of the short line breaks makes it drag on a bit more than it should. The line breaks don’t really hold up.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar
Leftover love.
AndyBryant123
Unregistered
(01-17-2018, 05:35 AM)Estefanie.V Wrote: Edited Version:
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left This is really cool because this when you realize this has some layers
Leftover warmth.
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat
against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag. Great use of language
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections I really like this line because it alludes to physical and emotional pain
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar
Leftover love.
(Original)
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep
Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
leaves a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Leftovers of love
CrystalScully
Unregistered
(01-17-2018, 05:35 AM)Estefanie.V Wrote: Edited Version:
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep This opening sets a rhythm that evokes steady breathing. I think that works well here.
glued Skin - bound, is the capitalization here intentional? It makes "Skin" into the subject of the poem, almost a character.
each piece leaves
a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend not the right phrasing, adjust this a little
aroused by repair I would break the stanza here
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound. The mildly sexual imagery works very well here
Techniques to re-build I don't like the word "technique" here, it's too technical
under water and heat
against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar
Leftover love. Good closing
(Original)
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
Heal slowly
Heal deep
Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
leaves a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Leftovers of love
I think that equating a wound and it's dressing to the agonizing wreckage of lost love is unique.
It's a clever inroad to a universal subject and it does service to those of us who will never forget the experience. For me, the title suggests self-pity and unhealed violation. The 'scar' is more suggestive
as a headstone for this sad encounter. The adage that 'it's better to love and lose, than never to have loved at all' gets a little lost here. Very good effort, though.
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I thought that this poem was very beautifully written. The imagrey that you provided to describe such a simple object such as a bandaid made me forget that we were actually still talking about a bandaid. It took me outside of the meaning I had for the word bandaid and made me think about it in ways I hadn't before. I also liked the edits that you made to the original. I feel lile those edits just make it a more all around solid porm. Great work
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wow, i think that was beautiful. hit me in the feels, the sheer fact i just compared my love to a band aid says a lot.
i sincerely hope i get to read some more of your poetry.
the only thing i could suggest is maybe insead of "mark" in your second verse,
maybe use something a little more graphic like "wound" would give it a deeper sense of hurt
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