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Thank you, vaga-
Here's my slight edit:
Simple Note (to the Brain Mapper of Sorcery):
You could never love me
enough to let me be myself
so you'll keep me lost in pretense,
your self-made Jezebel;
push me through your windows,
trollop me with sharpened hooves,
never let me find who I really am:
the one God hears, sees, and loves.
It's a small space you've been given,
a short time, only on this side—
too bad for you!
I have that thing called The Blessed Hope,
making those once terrifying
rushing horses, nothing
but reminders of a wonderful triumph,
my speedy arrival
of stepping from here to there
where I can be me,
forever.
ORIGINAL
Simple Note (to the Brain Mapper of Sorcery):
you could never
love me enough to let me be myself
so you'll keep me lost in pretense
your self-made Jezebel
push me from the window
trollop me with sharpened hooves
never let me find who I really am
(though I know she's there)
the one God sees and loves
it's a small space you've been given
a short time
I have that thing called hope
that makes the sound of rushing horses nothing
but triumph of my speedy arrival
to an eternity waiting
where I can be me
forever
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(01-04-2018, 03:52 AM)nibbed Wrote: Simple Note (to the Brain Mapper of Sorcery):
you could never i think you could pull "love me" up in this first line
love me enough to let me be myself
so you'll keep me lost in pretense
your self-made Jezebel
push me from the window
trollop me with sharpened hooves didn´t know that word and could only find a noun as translation for "trollop" and then still couldn´t sort the meaning into the poem´s context- is that meant to mean "turn me into a trollop"?
never let me find who I really am
(though I know she's there)
the one God sees and loves
it's a small space you've been given consider staying in 1st person here.
a short time
I have that thing called hope
that makes the sound of rushing horses nothing you could condense this to "my hope sounds like rushing horses".. the image is pretty powerful, like someone sitting on a horse that is running full speed against a wall (i.e. death), having faith that it will be broken.
but triumph of my speedy arrival
to an eternity waiting
where I can be me kind of cliché and said before in L 8 and 9
forever
that poem reminds me of another one of yours that spoke about lies to keep someone from fainting and i can relate personally, maybe to similar situations and the pain that comes from them.
this "speedy arrival" however worries me. triumph is over-rated. eternity can wait longer. the impact of your faith stays the same.
...
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-04-2018, 05:08 AM)vagabond Wrote: (01-04-2018, 03:52 AM)nibbed Wrote: Simple Note (to the Brain Mapper of Sorcery):
you could never i think you could pull "love me" up in this first line
love me enough to let me be myself thanks, I think that would be best.
so you'll keep me lost in pretense
your self-made Jezebel
push me from the window
trollop me with sharpened hooves didn´t know that word and could only find a noun as translation for "trollop" and then still couldn´t sort the meaning into the poem´s context- is that meant to mean "turn me into a trollop"? it can mean a certain gait of a horse or a woman of ill-repute, seemed befitting
never let me find who I really am to the Jezebel metaphor and her fate found in 2 Kings 9
(though I know she's there)
the one God sees and loves
it's a small space you've been given consider staying in 1st person here. Isn't it still in the address?
a short time
I have that thing called hope
that makes the sound of rushing horses nothing you could condense this to "my hope sounds like rushing horses".. the image is pretty powerful, like someone sitting on a horse that is running full speed against a wall (i.e. death), having faith that it will be broken. -it's referring to the oppression of the horses
but triumph of my speedy arrival (sorcery)
to an eternity waiting
where I can be me kind of cliché and said before in L 8 and 9 -yes, unavoidable to the emotion felt
forever
that poem reminds me of another one of yours that spoke about lies to keep someone from fainting and i can relate personally, maybe to similar situations and the pain that comes from them.
this "speedy arrival" however worries me. triumph is over-rated. eternity can wait longer. the impact of your faith stays the same. thanks vagabond,
just letting oppression know I aint afraid to kick
Thank you vagabond. I hope you are okay today and my poem did not stir up anything too painful.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 7
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I didn't know what to comment till i read the original after the edit, there is a line there you cut out in your edit.
(though i know she's there)
though i dont blame you for cutting it, it doesn't fit, but i like it... i feel like if you tweaked it you could fit it in again. maybe like you feel the shadow or echo of yourself.
never let me find who I really am
(though I hear her echo in my ears) or (though I chase her shadow) or... compare her to soap. slippery. "she slips like water through my fingers." or "she slips like water from my hand"
the one God sees and loves
oh second note, trollop does sound odd... the only reference in relation to a horse gait i found was this:
http://glenshee.blogspot.ca/2010/03/trollop.html
which wasn't a good kind of imagery to it...
though any kind of stomp or gait doesn't sound right either, you mentioned sharpened hooves, maybe something dramatic...
"pierce me with sharpened hooves"
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-09-2018, 01:29 PM)Kaily Bear Wrote: I didn't know what to comment till i read the original after the edit, there is a line there you cut out in your edit.
(though i know she's there)
though i dont blame you for cutting it, it doesn't fit, but i like it... i feel like if you tweaked it you could fit it in again. maybe like you feel the shadow or echo of yourself.
never let me find who I really am
(though I hear her echo in my ears) or (though I chase her shadow) or... compare her to soap. slippery. "she slips like water through my fingers." or "she slips like water from my hand"
the one God sees and loves
oh second note, trollop does sound odd... the only reference in relation to a horse gait i found was this:
http://glenshee.blogspot.ca/2010/03/trollop.html
which wasn't a good kind of imagery to it...
though any kind of stomp or gait doesn't sound right either, you mentioned sharpened hooves, maybe something dramatic...
"pierce me with sharpened hooves"
Thank you Kailey Bear. I apologize for not commenting sooner. I didn't know what to say because I was pleased with the final edit, then I realized it was wrong from me not to thank you for your help and critique. Thank you kindly for taking the time and effort to kindly consider my poem. I hope you have a wonderful day today!
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
