Porcelain Fragile

[Kaily Bear]

Once upon a time there was a doll,
with cracked porcelain skin, sharp and fragile.
Broken, the doll lived day to day just trying not to fall apart,
but the pieces were sharp, and they hurt
Day by day she glued herself back together. Cracked but whole.

But The world was cruel, and it found her broken once more.

Day by day she glued herself together again. Stronger than before.
Days turned to years, her fragile skin of porcelain
a carefully crafted shell of glue and broken shards
She used it like armor, for her skin was porcelain fragile.

One day the cruel world she knew changed.
The need for glue and armor was gone
Safe from fears of broken pieces,
others called for her to shed her armor

but she found it was deeper than her skin.
It crept into her cracks and glued her broken bits.

Broken and lost porcelain never found again,
Replaced with shards of hate and anger,
cemented with glue in the fragile porcelain.

I already edited it a bit... lol

[Todd]

Hi Kaily, welcome to the site! Let me give you some comments to consider.

[quote="Kaily Bear" pid='238200' dateline='1515480017']
Once upon a time there was a doll,
with cracked porcelain skin, sharp and fragile.--Be careful with the number of modifiers (cracked, porcelain, sharp, fragile) in this line. You already mention fragile in the title and you mention sharp two lines down. It's usually better to go with simple and unadorned and then expand. ("with cracked porcelain skin." would probably get you where you need to be).
Broken, the doll lived day to day just trying not to fall apart,--just is a throwaway word. I'm not saying it never has a place but it is often filler. The poem is usually better when you cut the filler. I also think that Broken is unnecessary.
but the pieces were sharp, and they hurt--This is a nice way to pivot from physical image to emotional pain.
Day by day she glued herself back together. Cracked but whole.--second use of day to day/day by day probably cut one.

But The world was cruel, and it found her broken once more.--again look for the phrasing you repeat and ask yourself if the repetition makes the poem stronger or strips some of the energy from it (cruel world below--which is slightly cliche in both instances--may be better to mix it up with something a tad less predictable).

Day by day she glued herself together again. Stronger than before.
Days turned to years, her fragile skin of porcelain
a carefully crafted shell of glue and broken shards
She used it like armor, for her skin was porcelain fragile.

One day the cruel world she knew changed.
The need for glue and armor was gone
Safe from fears of broken pieces,
others called for her to shed her armor

but she found it was deeper than her skin.
It crept into her cracks and glued her broken bits.

Broken and lost porcelain never found again,
Replaced with shards of hate and anger,
cemented with glue in the fragile porcelain.

[spoiler]

There are other areas that could be discussed but I don't want to overwhelm you in basic. I hope the feedback helps. I think the poem has good bones and would benefit from some selective cuts and rephrasing.

Again, welcome to the site!

Best,

Todd

[AttnAttack]

Once upon a time there was a doll,   // Classic, fairy tale beginning, but its also very overplayed.  Keep that in mind.
with cracked porcelain skin, sharp and fragile.  //as other commentator put, theres a lot of heft to this line.  Lot of emphasis on "broken" imagery and words.
Broken, the doll lived day to day just trying not to fall apart,    //I like the metering here.  Sounds nice, but almost prose-like rather than poetic
but the pieces were sharp, and they hurt        //could be phrased better than "they hurt".  The simplicity of "they hurt" makes me believe the speaker is a child
Day by day she glued herself back together. Cracked but whole.

But The world was cruel, and it found her broken once more.   // Good use of white space

Day by day she glued herself together again. Stronger than before.  // Remove the word "again".  its unnecessary and screws up the metering.
Days turned to years, her fragile skin of porcelain  // this enjambment doesn't flow well into the next line.  Consider a em-dash or a semi-colon. 
a carefully crafted shell of glue and broken shards   // try changing carefully to careful to fix the metering here.
She used it like armor, for her skin was porcelain fragile.  // not sure this makes sense.  She glued her skin back together to wear as armor over her skin?  

One day the cruel world she knew changed.  // remove the word cruel.  its unnecessary.  We already know the world was cruel to her.  add "had" between knew and changed.  this will fix the metering issues.
The need for glue and armor was gone  // remove the word "was"
Safe from fears of broken pieces,  // ok
others called for her to shed her armor  // ok

but she found it was deeper than her skin.  // could be a bit more sophisticated.  think on this line
It crept into her cracks and glued her broken bits.  // good

Broken and lost porcelain never found again,  // metering
Replaced with shards of hate and anger,  //  use more sophisticated words here to signify a change in environment; eg loss of innocence and growth into something fierce and incontemptible.
cemented with glue in the fragile porcelain.  //   ending falls flat.  this is the last line.  if this was the only line you wrote, would you be happy with it?

I already edited it a bit... lol

I enjoyed the childlike nature of the speaker, and the theme of lost innocence.  However, I felt like this could have had more elements added to it, especially near the end, that would spruce it up and make it a stronger poem.  Also, pay attention to how many times you use each word; day appears 8 times, broken appears 6, and porcelain 5. You can (and must) accept diversity in your word choice. Welcome to the site!  I hope this helps.

[Kaily Bear]

ty todd and attnattack =] those coments do help a lot, but few things i wanted to explain so poem makes a bit more sense...


=] the speaker is a child. in therapy sessions for children a therapist will present a doll, and have them explain what happened to the doll. The child suffered, and though the cause for pain is gone, they are still a child. i actually really really like the last line... it has a finality to it... the negative feelings have rooted themselves in so hard they are cemented there, right with the fragile inner self. you are right with the word choice but i wanted to keep it simple, it is a child even right to the end. corrupted, but not older because of it. corruption doesnt make you older or more mature it just makes you dark.... but i can cut the repetitiveness. because it is a child telling the story, i thought a fairytale opening would be fitting. ^_^;  so even though the once upon a time is really really cliche it is needed in the child speaker.

as for the lines of skin crafting an armor... i tried altering it to make more sense. the doll uses the glue and her broken porcelaine to craft a shell that she uses as armor. i also tried to cut the repetitiveness.

also, the broken word isn't a throwaway, it ties into the pieces falling apart, the imagery of a broken doll trying to hold its broken bits to itself.

how is this for a fix?


Once upon a time there was a doll,
with cracked porcelain skin.
Broken, the doll tried not to fall apart,
but the pieces were sharp, and they hurt.
So she glued herself together. Cracked but whole.

The world was cruel, and it found her broken once more.

Scared, the doll used the glue to make her stronger than before.
Days turned to years, her skin of porcelain
crafted a shell of glue and broken shards.
She used it like armor, for her skin was fragile.

One day the world she knew changed.
The need for glue and armor gone.
Safe from fears of broken pieces,
others called for her to shed her armor

but she found it was deeper than her skin.
It crept into her cracks and glued her broken bits.

Broken and lost porcelain, never found again,
Replaced with shards of hate and anger,
cemented with glue in the fragile porcelain.

[Todd]

Hi Kaily, a few things:

1) It's usually a good idea to place your edits in the original post, marked as a new revision. Many people will not read the thread before they comment on the poem so that they're not influenced by the discussion and can come to the poem fresh. That means that you'll get comments on earlier versions.

2) For critique to work well, I would encourage you to resist the urge to explain your poems--at least not at first. If you do, others may then read the explanation into the poem and you won't know if the poem succeeded in conveying what you wanted.

3) Regarding your comments on why you used Once upon a time, or on repetition--I for one assumed you had reasons for what you wrote. The question critique asks: is the execution effective? Confining my comments to the repetition, I would simply ask that you consider fictional dialogue. Dialogue does not mimic how people speak. There are halting pauses, stutters, rambling tangents that never make their way into stories. Dialogue is stylized reality. In a similar way, so is poetry. Just because a child might speak a certain way doesn't make it an effective choice (my opinion of course). Which brings me to my final caution.

4) You can disagree with critique and move on. But if everyone is seeing the same thing (hasn't happened yet in this poem, I mean this more generally), you should consider if there's something to that. However, there are certain poems where you will say to yourself: I see what they're saying but I'm going to go this way anyway--also fine.

Not meaning to be too pedantic.

Best,

Todd

[Kaily Bear]

Hi Kaily, a few things:

1) It's usually a good idea to place your edits in the original post, marked as a new revision. Many people will not read the thread before they comment on the poem so that they're not influenced by the discussion and can come to the poem fresh. That means that you'll get comments on earlier versions.

2) For critique to work well, I would encourage you to resist the urge to explain your poems--at least not at first. If you do, others may then read the explanation into the poem and you won't know if the poem succeeded in conveying what you wanted.

3) Regarding your comments on why you used Once upon a time, or on repetition--I for one assumed you had reasons for what you wrote. The question critique asks: is the execution effective? Confining my comments to the repetition, I would simply ask that you consider fictional dialogue. Dialogue does not mimic how people speak. There are halting pauses, stutters, rambling tangents that never make their way into stories. Dialogue is stylized reality. In a similar way, so is poetry. Just because a child might speak a certain way doesn't make it an effective choice (my opinion of course). Which brings me to my final caution.

4) You can disagree with critique and move on. But if everyone is seeing the same thing (hasn't happened yet in this poem, I mean this more generally), you should consider if there's something to that. However, there are certain poems where you will say to yourself: I see what they're saying but I'm going to go this way anyway--also fine.

Not meaning to be too pedantic.

Best,

Todd

1) understood, iv seen that before, but i wasnt so sure on the changes yet so wanted to keep it up awhile first, see if there are any more comments on the original before i change it =]

2) agreed, i saw that posted before, so i didnt do it in the OP, but people were giving me advice and pointing out how childish it was... but that was actually the intent, but didnt want people to think i was just ignoring their advice, or not taking it into consideration, so i gave an idea of what i wanted to do with it. i did take advice with the things like repetition, but for certain things like once upon a time, that kinda thing is essential for the feel  of the poem, and for word choice, i felt keeping the words simple but strong would have more effect for the feel i wanted to give to it. =]