Earliest Memory

[heslopian]

Light spilling through the window
like an overflow of bath water,

angry rays become the wall,
engulf the frame and hide the glass.

Below this rim of nirvana
my infant's consciousness empties.

Two angels in leather jackets
sit near the light above me.

Beside me on my level
sits my still youthful mother.

Everyone is smiling
like nervous doctors.

Pre-breakdowns and tragedies,
I'm caught in a divine stasis.

[billy]

i thought the first line cliche...tile i read the second line. the 1st couplet works well.

the 2nd couplet is for me excellent.

if i have a real nit its the 3rd couplet, for me it feels a little too forced and overly poetical.

again i really like the 4th couplet, i get a feel of hells angels and it amuses me, though amusement probably wasn't your intention.

the 5th couplet for me needs beefing up. it feels a little weak.

the last two couplets work well.
nicely done jack, a few nits for me but nothing major.
all in all, a good write.

[heslopian]

i thought the first line cliche...tile i read the second line. the 1st couplet works well.

the 2nd couplet is for me excellent.

if i have a real nit its the 3rd couplet, for me it feels a little too forced and overly poetical.

again i really like the 4th couplet, i get a feel of hells angels and it amuses me, though amusement probably wasn't your intention.

the 5th couplet for me needs beefing up. it feels a little weak.

the last two couplets work well.
nicely done jack, a few nits for me but nothing major.
all in all, a good write.

Thank you for your feedback, Billy I'll try and use all the suggestions you made. As a sidenote, I was going for humour in the fourth couplet, but only in my weird, oblique definition of the word "humour"
As for the fifth couplet, I did intend that to be stronger than it was, but all my alternatives made the sentence too long. I agree it needs some beefing up; I'll have a think about how I can improve it later.

[addy]

Beautiful, and the right balance of specific and vague. Personally I loved the third couplet, particularly the second line which was just sublime. If it had a weakness, maybe the first line of it gives a bit away for you poem's final line. But for me, not even enough to worry about

[heslopian]

Thanks very much for the kind words addy

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

I very much like the image you create with your first two lines. The overflow of bath water gives so much. What makes me like it so much is that it gives a sense of comfort and care. You packed a lot in there.

Light spilling through the window
like an overflow of bath water,

angry rays become the wall,--angry feels a bit at odds with me from the tone you've set. I do like the become, engulf, and hide...there is this sense of the world imposing itself on the infant's awareness in a flood
engulf the frame and hide the glass.

Below this rim of nirvana--absolutely love this line
my infant's consciousness empties.

Two angels in leather jackets
sit near the light above me.--this is a cool image

Beside me on my level
sits my still youthful mother.--still youthful mother is very good

Everyone is smiling--fantastic line break you totally mess with the meaning here and it's wonderful.
like nervous doctors.--love this

Pre-breakdowns and tragedies,
I'm caught in a divine stasis.

Solid poem Jack. Thanks.

Best,

Todd