Stuck on this poem..

[Lawrence]

Thanks Billy, it's been done.
On the back burner for now...

[billy]

People wanted to be alone,
So they invented cities. [invented?]
Places where anyone could go
And be nobody to everybody

They built it so [is 'it needed']
That it contained everything-
Even success itself, like an apple [i'm struggling to equate success with an apple in a pigs mouth]
Forced into the mouth of swine.
It masqueraded as a genie, that
When handled correctly, would give them
What they had been looking for. [not sure the simile/metaphor works, genies have to be told what the wish is]

Meanwhile, houses spring up in alleys
Every space contains signposts
It ties them together with metal ropes
And calls it interconnection. [i agree the last stanza feels drawn out and lacklustre]

I need help with this!

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I think I'm going to X the last stanza, and switch the second stanza around, taking out some stuff...

in general i'd say it needs some solid images with poetic devices that carry the moment and momentum of the content. don't scrap it though, edit it. a really big edit :hysterica:

i am so sorry i got carried away hehe. i know you have the talent to turn this round and not save it but re create it to show the poverty, anonymity and aspirations contained within any large city.

cut out everything that doesn't say something important. jmo

thanks for the read lawrence