08-25-2017, 11:17 PM (This post was last modified: 08-29-2017, 11:59 PM by Todd.)
Revision 2
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
I’m hooked to a seismograph,
instead of a lie detector.
The needle begins to move
so quickly the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan succeeds. The whole state slides
into the ocean. I want to tell him I can’t
remember any of their faces,
and names have smoothed
like river stones too long submerged. Perhaps
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I want to believe that his question
comes from the serrated curiosity
of children, where clouds
are dinosaurs and the days
stream light. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass.
Revision
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that I can’t remember
any of their faces, and names have smoothed
like river stones too long submerged. Perhaps
instead of an earthquake,
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass.
Original
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that there are days I don’t want to die,
that I can’t remember any of their faces,
and names have smoothed like river stones
too long submerged. Perhaps
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened. If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
Hey Todd,
This poem has some nice language use. I do have some suggestions though:
(08-25-2017, 11:17 PM)Todd Wrote: I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now. -The Magic 8-Ball image is wonderful because it communicates how powerless the speaker feels. Even though, the speaker doesn't want to answer their son, he doesn't even know how.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph. -This image nicely sums up how strongly the speaker feels about whatever they are hesitant to tell their son about.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time. -When I saw the title, I never thought there would be a Superman reference in here. Love it!
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state -"The whole state/ slides into the ocean" is great allusion and hyperbole. It accurately depicts how worried the speaker is about their world falling apart because of their son's question.
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that there are days I don’t want to die, -The poem gets very dark here. This is a minor compliant, but going from the Superman imagery to this is a bit jarring. I would suggest transitioning a bit more here. May be even consider a stanza break here. However, if your intention was to be jarring, then disregard this point.
that I can’t remember any of their faces,
and names have smoothed like river stones -The faces and names made me think that the speaker is talking about fallen comrades, like he was a soldier. I could wrong though.
too long submerged. Perhaps
the needle is drawing a picture -I'm unsure if this line is referring to drug use or getting a tattoo. I'm leaning towards a tattoo, but it could be clearer.
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened. If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass. -This is a wonderful simile. It again sums up how hard and life changing the speaker's decision is when comes to answering his son's question. I think this is such a strong simile that I would suggest ending the poem on it.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself. -I get what you're going for in this last part. Personally, I think the image of the speaker's sky shattering like glass is a more fitting ending.
As always, your poetry had some strong imagery and was a pleasure to critique. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Richard, I took a lot from your critique. Specifically, your correct call out on where the ending should be. Also, the very helpful part where the shift was too jarring.
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting strong opening.
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph. I think these two lines could be stronger in reverse order, "I'm hooked to a seismograph/instead of a lie detector.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time. I think you could cut one of "and" or "then".
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that I can’t remember
any of their faces, and names have smoothed
like river stones too long submerged. Perhaps
instead of an earthquake, I don't think this line really adds anything.
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened. Nice, what might happen when you tell him (could that supplant the narrator's worst experience?) , and what it is you would tell him.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass.
Original
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that there are days I don’t want to die,
that I can’t remember any of their faces,
and names have smoothed like river stones
too long submerged. Perhaps
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened. If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
This is an interesting concept for a poem, and it's executed well. My critiques were all surface level stuff, I like it.
Brings to mind the WTC attacks, but could also be the Kobe earthquake or any big disaster of that sort. Metropolis is, after all, not necessarily New York.
I like that it's open ended.
(08-25-2017, 11:17 PM)Todd Wrote: Revision
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state .....removing the 'finally' and ending on 'slides' in this line sounds better in my ear.
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that I can’t remember
any of their faces, and names have smoothed
like river stones too long submerged. Perhaps ....this is a brilliant simile
instead of an earthquake,
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass. ...excellent
Original
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that there are days I don’t want to die,
that I can’t remember any of their faces,
and names have smoothed like river stones
too long submerged. Perhaps
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened. If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
(08-27-2017, 12:46 PM)Achebe Wrote: Brings to mind the WTC attacks, but could also be the Kobe earthquake or any big disaster of that sort. Metropolis is, after all, not necessarily New York.
I like that it's open ended.
(08-25-2017, 11:17 PM)Todd Wrote: Revision
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state .....removing the 'finally' and ending on 'slides' in this line sounds better in my ear.
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that I can’t remember
any of their faces, and names have smoothed
like river stones too long submerged. Perhaps ....this is a brilliant simile
instead of an earthquake,
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass. ...excellent
Original
I imagine that God is shaking
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that there are days I don’t want to die,
that I can’t remember any of their faces,
and names have smoothed like river stones
too long submerged. Perhaps
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened. If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself.
Incredibly abstract and surreal. I have no idea what this poem is referring to. Some unconscious dream. Some fixation on materials. The abstraction of space by the dream machine. Many thanks for the vivid and concise rendering of this bold experience. Here are a few comments.
[pre verse]Original
I imagine that God is shaking this is a fascinating image, what could it be compared to, this deity of your conception, Ockham's razor comes to mind, his various descriptions of the arguments for belief in God
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting a very valid conjunction between substantives and reflection
between: Ask again later, and Better not tell you now.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph.
The needle begins to move could not the seismograph have been placed in the air for a radar measurement
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block, this is a wonderful illustration of the passage of time, its gentle mockery of the architecture of thought
and then Superman forgets to unwind time.
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state speaking of illustration...........i always luv references to comic book heros
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that there are days I don’t want to die, the power of the ocean draws us towards mortality, I see what you are saying
that I can’t remember any of their faces, this reminds me of a scene from tolkien, when Sam and Frodo are looking into the river, and then gollum begins peering luridly over them, looking into the same river with a ridiculous expression of knowing simplicity
and names have smoothed like river stones
too long submerged. Perhaps
the needle is drawing a picture
of what might happen, this is provocative and intriguing
or what’s already happened. If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself. a humbling moral reality that you have reached, the morale towards which the poem persistently drives
Hey Todd,
I quite like the change at the end. It's funny because I always envisioned the son in this poem being a preteen or teenager. I have no idea why, it's just what I imagined. However, what you added made me visualize a younger child, which changes my interpretation of the poem slightly.
Thank you, Richard. I can see how you could pull a different age range from the earlier version. It feels like a forward step. I did make one change that didn't require a full edit. I replaced unscarred with serrated.
