Third Edit: Denial

[Richard]

Third Edit:

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless,
door slammed shut.

You are a flickering light:
alone in the hall,
dying slowly,
easily replaced.

Second Edit:

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless,
door slammed shut,
shadows invisible.

You are a flickering light
in the hallway,
desperate to find a crack,
but there can be no entry.


First Edit:
Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made useless,
dreams where desires no longer sleep
but sprint beyond a consciousness
cluttered with words like, "Goodnight,"
and, "How's your wife?"

You are the light
pressing against my window,
desperate with hope to find even a crack
to penetrate.
But there can be no entry,
no kiss at sunset or sunrise,
only darkness can protect us from the truth.


Original:

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless,
consciousness defiled by the unconscious.

You are the light
shining against my window,
hot like temptation.

[ellajam]

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless,
consciousness defiled by the unconscious.

You are the light
shining against my window,
hot like temptation.

On the whole I like the idea and image. I think you could work on L3/4. How is the mirror made meaningless? Is it cloaked? Has the silver peeled off? Same with L4, something more visceral would be nice. Hot like temptation is a bit cliche, you might work on that.

[Achebe]

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless, ....smart line
consciousness defiled by the unconscious. ....too wordy, comes across as trying to sound profound

You are the light
shining against my window, ....drop 'shining', I'd suggest.
hot like temptation. ....weak ending. A simile of a metaphor rarely works. Also, as ella said, cliched.

[RiverNotch]

Denial


I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless, The mirror is made meaningless because it cannot reflect any light.
consciousness defiled by the unconscious. The conscious self is a sort of light, the unconscious self is a sort of darkness -- ironic, considering the logic of the poem.

You are the light You is the other. 
shining against my window,
hot like temptation. This is the only language that informs the nature of the other. At least according to my messed up philosophy, man, and I'm playing along with Western stereotypes here, has three "others": God, woman, and the savage. God is, and is beyond anything man can comprehend; woman is the other sex, and is what the man should not aspire to be; and the savage is the outsider, and does not conform to the beliefs or arbitrary standards of man. The language is not reverential enough, so this isn't God; neither is it imperialist enough to show the savage; and woman is universally treated as either temptress, Jocasta as the wife, or as motherly goddess, Jocasta as the mother, such that the other here is very clearly woman.

But that is playing in a pit I didn't make, whose heart is ready to swallow my "savage" heart whole -- I'd like to think the title alone declares a denial of this mode of thinking, or of the situation as taken by other standards (for example, literally), but I guess it's really only a label for the first stanza, ie the speaker denies him (or her) self of the other. Especially with the other placed so late, and with the whole being so purely abstract, I'm not really engaged by the piece -- scratch that, considering this long reply, I'm very engaged with the piece, engaged in a manner positive for me, but also revealing that the piece doesn't really have much to it. Thanks for the read.

[Richard]

Hey all,
Thanks for the feedback. You all give me some nice ideas for the coming revision.

Thanks again,
Richard

[vagabond]

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,              
mirror made meaningless,    I think “meaningless” is too neutral a word for what the mirror seems to imply
consciousness defiled by the unconscious. since “the unconscious” is unconscious it´s hard for the subject to know (or for the reader to understand) what it did and why .. so, I´d try to name the not so unconscious thing. forbidden desires, fear, whatever

You are the light             
shining against my window,    maybe write  something with a little less separation, e.g. “shining through my door”   (otherwise temptation seems somehow misplaced )
hot like temptation.    hot "light" would be infrared.. just a thought

I like how this poem changes atmosphere, I think it could say more. BUT that´s based on the assumptions I made when reading it.

[ellajam]

Reading the crit on meaningless I think I was slow on the uptake, but still, dark with curtains drawn doesn't quite convince me that a mirror won't catch a glint of light. I guess that would still suit your metaphor, if not the level of depression you're going for. I'm on the fence.

[Richard]

Hey all,
I decided to make some extensive changes on the revision. Let me know if it's any better or worse.

Thanks,
Richard

[Achebe]

Some suggested edits below to trim further. But the main weakness is the mixing of metaphors. You are a dark room and she is light, but darkness (now meaning ignorance, wilful or otherwise) protects both of you from the truth. Darkness protects light from the truth? You see why the metaphors make no sense?

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made useless,
dreams where desires no longer sleep
but sprint beyond a consciousness
cluttered with words like, "Goodnight,"
and, "How's your wife?"

You are the light
pressing against my window,
desperate with hope to find even a crack
to penetrate.
But there can be no entry,
no kiss at sunset or sunrise,
only darkness can protects us from the truth.


Original:

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless,
consciousness defiled by the unconscious.

You are the light
shining against my window,
hot like temptation.

[Richard]

Hey Achebe,
Thanks for the feedback. It gave me something to think about with this poem.

Thanks again,
Richard

[elleblack]

Hi Richard,

I'm a fan of this poem for sure but agree with others that some of the imagery could be a bit more probing, there are lots of times when I feel like it is almost reaching something really immediate/urgent, but it stops before it does. Maybe switching out some of the more commonly used descriptive words could help? e.g, switching dark in line one for 'black', or 'blank', or 'pitch', or changing the line around so that it reads something like 'I am a room of dark/darkness'.

Similarly, I think more could be added in terms of description/imagery in other parts of the poem. Maybe consider personifying aspects, like the 'ight' at the start of the second verse. For example, 'you are the worried light', or something to that affect?

[Richard]

Hey elleblack,
Thanks for your feedback. It's funny because I actually played around with first line by switching from dark to darkness and back to dark before posting. My original fear was that "dark room" would conjure up images of someone developing photos.

Thanks again,
Richard

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Hi there! I'm a novice at poetry, but i'll do my utmost at sharing my two cents and how I would tackle your Poem (which i hope you don't mind)

In your original post, you used the following "Mirror made meaningless". You changed Meaningless into Useless.
Personally, i would say that meaningless is the word that would fit most in that context. The room is dark, thus somewhat mysterious and obscure (That's what i usually connect darkness with), from that perspective, meaningless lies closer to a mysterious atmosphere than 'useless'. Plus, it congruences alot more with the word 'Consciousness'. I can understand your choice for useless, however. 

I'm not sure if it was your intention, but the Poem has a melancholical ring to it, which almost borders to depression. On that note, the mirror is a reflection of oneself. Having a meaningless reflection is a sign of a low self-esteem, which caters greatly to the feeling of 'depression'. 

On the second part i would add an adjective to light, personally i'd go for flickering.
Why flickering light? Many people associate Light with Hope. Since you say that you are desperate to find that hope, maybe reflect that in a fitting adjective to the word light.

Compared to the original, the edited version has alot more substance and is alot better! 


I certainly like it!

[nibbed]

Hi Richard. I like your poem because it is one of those poems that poets write. Poets with real poet hearts. I actually didn't mind the orginal, either.


Denial                                                                   I always think "The Nile" when I see this word in a poem, don't know why

I am a dark room:                                                  
curtains drawn,
mirror made useless,                                           no reflection
dreams where desires no longer sleep                    
but sprint beyond a consciousness                      interesting use of words here
cluttered with words like, "Goodnight,"
and, "How's your wife?"                                      

You are the light                                                   
pressing against my window,                                
desperate with hope to find even a crack
to penetrate.                                                      
But there can be no entry,
no kiss at sunset or sunrise,
only darkness can protect us from the truth.       kindly, well-written and expressed


A fine poem. Thank you for giving me the opportunity

to read this and critque it.

Janine

[nibbed]

Hi Richard, often I come back to poems and see where I've missed interesting things about them. Plus it's morning and my brain works best (well, differently) during waking hours.


Denial

I am a dark room:                                         -the minute I read this I thought of a photographer's room
curtains drawn,                                              -a performance ceased
mirror made useless,                                      -introspect hasn't much value
dreams where desires no longer sleep             -I see this as dream life is good
but sprint beyond a consciousness                 -dreams open up into life
cluttered with words like, "Goodnight,"            -wondering how these two quoted phrases relate to the previous lines and ...cluttered shows disorder
and, "How's your wife?"                        

You are the light                                              -light is good, usually
pressing against my window,                           -wondering why pressing
desperate with hope to find even a crack         -indicates something sealed
to penetrate.                                                   -well protected
But there can be no entry,                               -it's as if light bounces off
no kiss at sunset or sunrise,                              -an armour protects
only darkness can protect us from the truth.    -darkness is a good metaphor of opposition


thanks again for the read this morning.
I'm not sure what time it is where you are
but I hope your day is filled with
welcoming light from a place
that can be happily embraced.

janine

[Richard]

Hey The Four-Eyed Cat and Janine,
Thanks for the kind words and feedback. I've been distracted with some work and personal stuff lately, but I do intend on doing another revision of this one in the future, You both gave me some ideas to think about when I do.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I did another edit of this poem. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement, and what works or doesn't work in it.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
Decided to take another swing with this poem. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement or not.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

I must have just missed this one until now. Here are some comments on the latest revision.

Nice imagery and metaphor for both denial and the relationship between the two.

Third Edit:

Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless,
door slammed shut.

I like how the imagery really captures the feeling of denial. The speaker is a dark room. You draw the curtains from the inside. So the speaker is deliberately blocking the light (metaphor for illumination). They don't want to see, lest they see and change. I also like the sounds of mirror made meaningless. Of course, because reflections can't be viewed in the dark. It is the type of denial where the person can't even see themselves clearly in the midst of it. I like that the door is slammed shut. Again, it adds to the intensity of the cocoon the person has wrapped themselves in.

You are a flickering light:--Flickering is a good modifier. What they are trying to keep out isn't a blazing spotlight--the denial has pressed down on the counterargument to such an extent that it is barely evident.
alone in the hall,--The area outside the speaker's mind.
dying slowly,--while this isn't bad maybe replace with a word like quivering which could express both the movement of the light and a sense of fear. It's also possible I guess you could replace flickering above with quivering (a tad more versatile).
easily replaced.--an ominous ending both for the opposing idea and the bearer of that idea.

This feels pretty pulled together to me, Richard. Hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. This one has gone through some changes over the different edits, especially the second stanza, so I'm glad to hear it's coming together.

Thanks again,
Richard