you ask "how did it feel?"
unexpected impressions blow holes in grey matter
and dig out the past
hands remember
how to wipe tears
before they freeze in their motion
lips start to speak there's no sound
just an echo of pain
in my frontal lobe
the silent sledge-hammer is working again
fragile connections are lost in a vortex
the mixing machine prepares the concrete
and quickly
the cortex seals
"what do you feel?"
was anything real?
construction just the faintest vibration in my frontal lobe indicates the sledge-hammer again is at work. but the noise reaches neither my ears nor my mouth, nor is there pain, cause the brain is a marvel containing itself. the hammer crushes something to pieces anew, they´re planning more skyskrapers blocking the view. heaven´s anyway gray, like over pompeji, clouds of ashes and dust and a thick neural crust over brittle affections, illegal connections. like cold lava creeping the concrete obstructs all the secret game trails and dusty tear ducts.
title still in construction (edit thanks to mercedes, cat, mirovia)
just the faintest vibration in my frontal lobe indicates the sledge-hammer is working again. But not a sound reaches my ears, not a thought would translate into words, nor is there pain. the brain is a marvel containing itself.
the hammer is doing a thorough job illegal huts crushed to pieces again. there are plans for more skyskrapers
blocking the view. heaven is gray anyway, clouds of ashes and dust sediment to a fine neural crust.
the dust is remixed, I am confused in this dizzying vortex. wait a short while to see concrete thoughts as they flatten the cortex. this cold magma always fills every small space, obstructs fragile connections. here I stand, still as I try to remember buried foot paths and ancient ducts.
(title still in construction) 3nd edit
you ask "how did it feel?"
unexpected impressions blow holes in grey matter
and dig out the past.
hands remember
how to wipe tears
before they freeze in their motion.
lips start to speak, there's no sound,
just an echo
and pain building up
in my frontal lobe.
but the silent sledge-hammer is working again.
fragile connections are lost in the vortex
of a concrete mixing machine
and my cortex
seals fast.
"what do you feel?" is anything real?
I hope for any type of comment, but especially how this is interpreted. maybe someone knows a better title for this
(07-05-2017, 12:36 AM)vagabond Wrote: Hi vagabond - I've noted a few comments on the lines - as to the title, you describe demolition, not construction. Lots of rhymes, internal and end line, but they feel overdone to me, and the sense is ignored, to accommodate them.
construction just the faintest vibration in my frontal lobe indicates the sledge-hammer again is at work. Word inversion stands out but the noise reaches neither my ears nor my mouth, How can noise reach a mouth? nor is there pain, cause the brain is a marvel because, or 'cause, or 'cos - cause has a different meaning containing itself. the hammer crushes something to pieces anew, 'anew'? It's crushed the same something to pieces previously? Stretching for a rhyme. they´re planning more skyskrapers blocking the view. heaven´s anyway gray, like over pompeji, 'anyway' doesn't make sense to me - should be Pompeii clouds of ashes and dust and a thick neural crust over brittle affections, illegal connections. this line doesn't make sense to me like cold lava creeping the concrete obstructs 'like's too close together - 'obstruct' is a verb all the secret game trails and dusty tear ducts. unlikely there's any game trails, if a building is being demolished - tears feels a bit overblown for the subject of the poem
any type of comment is appreciated. maybe someone knows a better title for this
(07-05-2017, 12:36 AM)vagabond Wrote: Hi vagabond - I've noted a few comments on the lines - as to the title, you describe demolition, not construction. Lots of rhymes, internal and end line, but they feel overdone to me, and the sense is ignored, to accommodate them.
construction just the faintest vibration in my frontal lobe indicates the sledge-hammer again is at work. Word inversion stands out but the noise reaches neither my ears nor my mouth, How can noise reach a mouth? nor is there pain, cause the brain is a marvel because, or 'cause, or 'cos - cause has a different meaning containing itself. the hammer crushes something to pieces anew, 'anew'? It's crushed the same something to pieces previously? Stretching for a rhyme. no, not the same something, did I say that?.. they´re planning more skyskrapers blocking the view. heaven´s anyway gray, like over pompeji, 'anyway' doesn't make sense to me heaven´s gray anyway, so it doesn´t matter if the view is blocked in the line above.
- should be Pompeii clouds of ashes and dust and a thick neural crust over brittle affections, illegal connections. this line doesn't make sense to me I was talking about neurons, repressing things, far too nebulous what I wrote here, I see now. like cold lava creeping the concrete obstructs 'like's too close together - 'obstruct' is a verb ... and i used it as such, concrete is the noun in this sentence, but I see now how the whole line is confusing, and will change that all the secret game trails and dusty tear ducts. unlikely there's any game trails, if a building is being demolished - tears feels a bit overblown for the subject of the poem well, the trail could be next to the building, it´s only unlikely that there are animals on it. but you´re right, that game trail has no place in my poem.
thank you for your comment!
.. me and the rhymes, yes. I actually started this in free verse and it was my goal to keep it this way.
then some rhymes appeared and I kind of find it difficult to mix lines that were without rhyme with others, so often I end up trying to rhyme and also adapt rhythm and so on.. i ll go back again and try the whole thing without rhymes. maybe it should be shorter as well, and the tear ducts will probably go..
(07-05-2017, 12:36 AM)vagabond Wrote: construction just the faintest vibration in my frontal lobe indicates the sledge-hammer again is at work. but the noise reaches neither my ears nor my mouth, I'd restructure the sentence by starting out negatively ("No noise reaches my..") nor is there pain, cause the brain is a marvel Omit 'cause' & 'the' containing itself. the hammer crushes something to pieces anew, Interesting sentence & sentiment; creating by destroying they´re planning more skyskrapers blocking the view. heaven´s anyway gray, like over pompeji, Swap 'gray' with anyway, and omit 'over' clouds of ashes and dust and a thick neural crust Unnecessary Juxtaposition of 'and' over brittle affections, illegal connections. Why illegal? like cold lava creeping the concrete obstructs all the secret game trails and dusty tear ducts.
any type of comment is appreciated. maybe someone knows a better title for this
Interesting poem Vaga! It made me remember how much i hate my neighbour who starts drilling at 07:30 on my free days. Aside from that it made me think about lobotomy as well.
(07-05-2017, 12:36 AM)vagabond Wrote: construction just the faintest vibration in my frontal lobe indicates the sledge-hammer again is at work. but the noise reaches neither my ears nor my mouth, I'd restructure the sentence by starting out negatively ("No noise reaches my..") nor is there pain, cause the brain is a marvel Omit 'cause' & 'the' containing itself. the hammer crushes something to pieces anew, Interesting sentence & sentiment; creating by destroying they´re planning more skyskrapers blocking the view. heaven´s anyway gray, like over pompeji, Swap 'gray' with anyway, and omit 'over' clouds of ashes and dust and a thick neural crust Unnecessary Juxtaposition of 'and' over brittle affections, illegal connections. Why illegal? like cold lava creeping the concrete obstructs all the secret game trails and dusty tear ducts.
any type of comment is appreciated. maybe someone knows a better title for this
Interesting poem Vaga! It made me remember how much i hate my neighbour who starts drilling at 07:30 on my free days. Aside from that it made me think about lobotomy as well.
lobotomy.. you just made my day!
no serious, I thank you for the comment and will use it for the edit
This poem seems like it was thrown together quickly without revision or thought, it's good, but rushed. Some parts like "illegal connections", didn't seem to fit or were hard to understand. The base of this poem is good.
