Edit 2: Love in Retrospect

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

edit 2:
I’m lost in dichotomy and I feel perfectly at home
between seemingly bright colors, such as pink and green,
contoured by a dark shade of blue.

mermaids make way through oceans of my subconscious,
one lost soul strands on the pearly beaches of a small island;
A lush and distorted reality where a small manor stands.

Painted white with the clouds, supported by columns carved out of dreams,
it’s a three-storied house, straight out of Freud’s fairytale.
whereas I am its sole inhabitant

I spent most my time in the attic, looking at
faded pictures and crude paintings that made me reminisce
until distant cries interrupted those distant memories.

barefooted, I rushed my way out while
grains of sand’d stick to my feet;
ready to greet my distressed guest.

I summoned the rain as I saw her gasping for breath,
catching a glimpse of her face as the torrent caressed our skin;
Aquamarine eyes that sent waves of infatuation throughout.

My heart’d beat in unison with the billows of the sea,
ever more violent with the clouds crashing down.
her smile making it a storm of contradictions

A tranquil, yet furious gale she unfortunately wished to subside
Yet we both knew she couldn’t live without the rain.
So I let her go, back into the blue abyss.

My soaked clothes a reminder we weren’t meant to be.
With a harsh realization that I was the one
who never jumped into the deep ocean for her.











Edit 1:



I’m lost in dichotomy and I feel perfectly at home
between seemingly bright colors, such as pink and green,
contoured by a dark shade of blue.
 
mermaids make way through oceans of my subconscious,
one lost soul strands on the pearly beaches of a small island;
A lush piece of distorted reality where a small manor stands.
 
Painted white with the clouds, supported by columns carved out of dreams,
a three-storied house, straight out of Freud’s fairytale.
With me as its sole inhabitant
 
Spent most my time in the attic, looking at my past.
Pictures and paintings making me reminisce until
distant cries interrupt my memories.
 
I rush my way out, barefooted
grains of sand sticking to my feet;
ready to greet my distressed guest.
 
I summoned the rain as she was gasping for breath,
catching a glimpse of her face as the torrent caressed our skin;
Aquamarine eyes that sent waves of infatuation throughout.
 
My heart’d beat in unison with the billows of the sea,
ever more violent with the clouds crashing down.
We went inside where would spend years together.
 
While happy, she had but one wish: for the storm to subside.
We both knew she couldn’t live without the rain.
So I let her go into the blue abyss.
 
My soaked clothes a reminder we weren’t meant to be.
With a harsh realization that I was the one
who never jumped into the deep ocean for her.
 
 

 
 
Original

I’m lost in dichotomy and I feel perfectly at home
between seemingly bright colors, such as pink and green,
that are contoured by a dark shade of blue.

mermaids make way through the oceans of my subconscious,
One lost soul stranded on the pearly beaches of a small island;
A lush piece of distorted reality where a small manor stands.

Painted white with clouds, supported by oaken columns carved out of dreams.
A three-storied house, straight out of Freud’s fairytale.
From the attic I hear distant cries of my unexpected guest.

I rush my way out, running barefooted
with grains of sand sticking to my feet;
I stretch out my hand as she was gasping for breath.

I summoned the rain hoping it would calm her down.
Caught a glimpse of her face as the torrent caressed our skin;
Aquamarine eyes that sent waves of infatuation throughout.

My heart’d beat in unison with the billows of the sea,
ever more violent with the clouds crashing down.
I brought her inside and would cater to her needs.

While happy, she had but one wish: for the storm to subside.
Yet we both knew she couldn’t live without the rain.
And just like that, I let her go into the blue abyss.

My soaked clothes a staunch reminder we weren’t meant to be.
Only moments later, a harsh realization that I was the one
who never considered jumping into the deep ocean for her.

[LunaDeLore]

---

I’m lost in dichotomy and I feel perfectly at home ------->Cutting back on the first person and going with an active voice would make this a much better read
between the perfectly bright colors, such as pink and green, ---->Juxtaposition is a concern for me here with you placement of perfectly...dropping "the perfectly" would help too...Maybe something like bright colors such as....contoured perfectly....
that are contoured by a dark shade of blue.
 
A flock of mermaids make way through the oceans of my subconscious, ---->When thinking of flock this readers tends to think more of birds than fins or fish.
One lost soul gets stranded on the pearly beaches of a small island;
A lush piece of distorted reality where a small manor stands.
 
Painted white with the clouds and supported by oaken columns made of dreams, compounding this line seems somewhat daunting
It was a three-storied house, straight out of Freud’s fairytale.
From the attic I catch a glimpse of my unexpected guest.----> This is somewhat sticky in terms of imagery. Where is the unexpected guest, in the attic?
 
Posthaste I make my way outside to her aid,
barefooted, with grains of sand sticking to my feet.
I stretch out my hand to her as I see she was gasping for breath. -----> Again there is a lot of instances of "I" in this line
 
I summoned the rain hoping that it would calm her down.
As it caressed our skin, I caught a glimpse of her face; -----> This is boring like it is... Maybe for example: catching a glimpse of her face as the rain caressed our skin, her Aquamarine eyes sent waves of infatuation throughout... (or something along those lines)
Aquamarine eyes that sent waves of infatuation throughout.
 
My heart would beat in unison with the billows of the sea -
Ever more so violent with the clouds crashing down.
I brought her inside and would cater to her every whim.
 
While happy, she had but one wish: for the storm to subside.
Yet we both knew she couldn’t live without the rain.
-   And just like that, I let her go into the blue abyss.
 
My soaked clothes a staunch reminder that we weren’t meant to be.
Only moments later, the harsh realization that I was the one  My question here is "do you need the restriction?"
who had never considered of jumping into the deep ocean for her. ----->More like Jumping into her deep ocean

I really appreciate the content or what you're attempting to convey to readers, and mermaids are cool. However, like most good works, this poem needs revision to reach it's full potential. I hope that my suggestions will aid you during your revision and again, I do like your poem.

Keep writing.

Luna

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Hi Luna!

This is some solid feedback! I was actually wondering what the correct term would be for referring to mermaids. 'A school of-' sounds rather silly, though. Again, thanks for pointing out some crucial mistakes (I can't believe i've overlooked the juxtaposition in the first stanza)!

Edit: Regarding the Attic, it's the protagonist who catches a glimpse of the mermaid - I'll specify, though

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Updated & Edit posted, thanks for the feedback Luna (And Vaga through mail )!