The Jade Phoenix (revised title)

[JKBetts]

Hey there you sitting in dark corner,
To a pine that grows deep I am no foreigner,
especially beyond their mere pressence - 
But soul, being, and every part of their essence.

I hope if it is a thirst never to be quenched for you,
Then may your heart grow numb and the memories few,

May your heart be shielded by your jade growing tears,
A diamond may be forever,  working with jade also takes years,

One day - chosen from many, 
when a skilled hand could have chosen any, 
Gently it rubs off the grub, cleans and scrubs off the mud,
Careful and tender, seeing the beauty under,
Finally it reaches and breaches your heart,

Let those hands in to begin their art, 
'twill take years this is just the start,
But with supports- not just empty walls,
No snide retorts - only love in these halls,

Though the ramparts of Solitude seemed to protect you, 
So does a dragon guarded tower two,
But no one should live in the bastions of Lonley-nest,
For all souls find that the quest for rest, at home be best,

A new truth dawning, 'tis wanting, 
an adventure taken jaunting,

When that wanting is vise, 
Then wanted for Versa shall nicley suffice,

This is when you will find no more,
Those painful memories were so sore,
Deplore!
knock on hearts door,
So boor! 
Invaded again - emotions asail the moor
holding the cure,
yet still unsure...
Collapsing with your jade tears to the floor,

Hair parted, fears departed, though still guarded, 
That skilled, worn, gental, warm hand that understands, 
that won't run off - on another change of plans.
You let continue the work it started,

One day you may find not a knight or prince,
A meger soul that may not convince,
Your heart though - it will evince,
Under the honorus moil, not even once wince,
spoil or boil,
Your name on the lips - never to soil,
To build-up, sweet words will make you feel royal,

This I hope, for you I hold faith, 
for those too are required,
without them surley your love has retired,

So keep your candel lit and your ember bright,
For the other side of even the darkest night,
Pry open your eyes, and keep your sight,
That one day you will; live, breath, and feel that promised day light,
You will not remain an ashen site,
Busrt forth again, your soul ignite,
take flight,

[Jokers Wild]

This morphed into a very good piece.  It was a  bit manic at first until I caught the rhythm.  Seemed to mimic the rhythms of Beatnik slam poetry of the 1950's.  I was confused by the title though.  "The Jade Phoenix" would be an apt title and would give direction to your reader early on and the first reading might not feel as scattered.  Again, though, a very strong piece I loved the building angst in the middle section and resolution I felt at the end.  You moved me.  Thank you.

[JKBetts]

 "The Jade Phoenix" 
 
Thank you. I struggled with the title - I can see you could tell. I dislike titles, and try to come up with them after. I am glad it moved you. Yes, manic happens... 
Thank you for the feedback. I will try the title on, I hope it does give better direction.

[Richard]

Hey JkBetts,
I actually like some of your rhymes in this poem. My biggest suggestion would be to follow a more consistent rhyme scheme. I say this because there are poets/readers that consider breaking a rhyme scheme as a type of a cheating in our craft. I know this is a basic critique, but I am still going to point out a few things below:

Hey there you sitting in dark corner, -Is this different font intentional?
To a pine that grows deep I am no foreigner,
especially beyond their mere pressence - 
But soul, being, and every part of their essence.

I hope if it is a thirst never to be quenched for you,
Then may your heart grow numb and the memories few,

May your heart be shielded by your jade growing tears,
A diamond may be forever,  working with jade also takes years,

One day - chosen from many, 
when a skilled hand could have chosen any, 
Gently it rubs off the grub, cleans and scrubs off the mud,
Careful and tender, seeing the beauty under,
Finally it reaches and breaches your heart,

Let those hands in to begin their art, 
'twill take years this is just the start,
But with supports- not just empty walls,
No snide retorts - only love in these halls,

Though the ramparts of Solitude seemed to protect you, 
So does a dragon guarded tower two,
But no one should live in the bastions of Lonley-nest, -What is "Lonley-nest"? Do you mean loneliness?
For all souls find that the quest for rest, at home be best,

A new truth dawning, 'tis wanting, 
an adventure taken jaunting,

When that wanting is vise, 
Then wanted for Versa shall nicley suffice,

This is when you will find no more,
Those painful memories were so sore,
Deplore! -This one word line adds emphasis to this. Why is "deplore" so important to the overall meaning of this poem? I know you're using it for the rhyme, but I would suggest using a different word here.
knock on hearts door,
So boor! 
Invaded again - emotions asail the moor
holding the cure,
yet still unsure...
Collapsing with your jade tears to the floor,

Hair parted, fears departed, though still guarded, 
That skilled, worn, gental, warm hand that understands, 
that won't run off - on another change of plans.
You let continue the work it started,

One day you may find not a knight or prince,
A meger soul that may not convince,
Your heart though - it will evince,
Under the honorus moil, not even once wince,
spoil or boil,
Your name on the lips - never to soil,
To build-up, sweet words will make you feel royal,

This I hope, for you I hold faith, 
for those too are required,
without them surley your love has retired,

So keep your candel lit and your ember bright,
For the other side of even the darkest night, -I think "darkest night" is a bit redundant. It may even be a bit a clichéd.
Pry open your eyes, and keep your sight,
That one day you will; live, breath, and feel that promised day light,
You will not remain an ashen site,
Busrt forth again, your soul ignite,
take flight, -Why does the poem end with a comma?

I think you have a good first draft here, and I would suggest reworking it so the rhyme scheme is more consistent.

Keep writing,
Richard

[typing mantis]

Hi!

I loved the rhymes!

My favourite part of the poem was:

"Though the ramparts of Solitude seemed to protect you, 
So does a dragon guarded tower two,
But no one should live in the bastions of Lonley-nest,
For all souls find that the quest for rest, at home be best,"

I really like how you were able to portray loneliness, an emotion, as Lonely-nest, a place where you can hide.

[Jase]

honestly i think that was really great. got a wicked rhythm. my favourite verse would be:

"Let those hands in to begin their art,
'twill take years this is just the start,
But with supports- not just empty walls,
No snide retorts - only love in these halls"

i mean seriously you could have that one verse as like something you frame and hang in the kitchen or something. the words mean a lot and can apply to anything really. well done man. oh and the last three verses are a brilliant wind down to the poem, great ending. feels 'complete'.