Water and Sky (Thread Closed)

[mv5543]

Thread closed awaiting mv's return/admin

Hi, I would love to hear some feedback about my poem. Thanks. 

Water and Sky

Once I stood on the top of a tide. 
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.

Then I reached out my hand to touch the sky.  
Air slipped through my fingers, so I opened my eyes.

I glanced below, and saw no tide.
I was cornered by shallow water on every side. 

From now on, I will not shut my eyes.
I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie.
 

[Alexis Of Wonderland]

Newbie here too so take this with a grain of salt. The rhyming needs work but I like the overall feel

Water and Sky

Once I stood on the top of a tide. <---------------------"I once stood on top of a tide" flows better to me
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.<---It feels like "it seemed fine" takes away and could be removed
                                                                                      Maybe "Since I was so high, I closed my eyes."
Then I reached out my hand to touch the sky.  
Air slipped through my fingers, so I opened my eyes.<--Use "and" here instead of "so". Unless I'm missing the reason the air                                                                                                       between your fingers would cause you to open your eyes. 
I glanced below, and saw no tide
I was cornered by shallow water on every side.

From now on, I will not shut my eyes. <-----------------You could try "No longer, will I shut my eyes."
I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie

[Wjames]

Hi, I would love to hear some feedback about my poem. Thanks. 

Water and Sky

Once I stood on the top of a tide. 
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.

Then I reached out my hand to touch the sky.  
Air slipped through my fingers, so I opened my eyes.

I glanced below, and saw no tide.
I was cornered by shallow water on every side. 

From now on, I will not shut my eyes.
I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie.
 

I think the poem would be stronger if it ended on the "From now on, I will not shut my eyes." It would make the reader think about why (and insert their own reason). 

The rhymes seem like the driver of the poem as well, and aren't very strong. Rhyme generally works best with some kind of regular meter, too.

The poem has a somewhat interesting idea behind it, though.

[Merrikay]

I would find it more interesting if you exchanged some of the verbs for more colorful ones, or rearranged a few sentences beginning with I. As is, it strikes me as a bit repetitive.

(Also, take with a grain of salt. Utter amateur here)

[hesawacko]

Howdy, 
somewhat new at this myself... so take everything with a grain of salt.  I think the poem has merit and instills some thought, but feels a bit choppy with maybe too many words and maybe replacing some with more "descriptive" or "provocative" words?  adding a few notes below.

Hi, I would love to hear some feedback about my poem. Thanks.
 

Water and Sky

Once I stood on the top of a tide.   (do you need "once"... seems a more provocative open to say "I stood on top of the tide"  ...maybe?)
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.
(again, "since I was" maybe not necessary... could be"So high, I shut my eyes"

Then I reached out my hand to touch the sky.  
Air slipped through my fingers, so I opened my eyes.


I glanced below, and saw no tide.
(could this be more provocative, same idea - and teeing up "cornered" in next line, which i like a lot)
I was cornered by shallow water on every side. 

From now on, I will not shut my eyes.
("from now on" seems too many words, maybe just "now" or "nevermore, will i shut my eyes" - maybe too corny?  also feels like this line could be the last line, or flip-flopped with the line below  **note: the last line also feels like it could be condensed down to fewer words too)
I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie.

 

OK.  So that's a lot of feedback... but i think really its just condensing more and making every word matter.  I do like the feeling and emotion conveyed in your poem.  Nice stuff & thanks for sharing!

[rowens]

You have water and sky, endless reflecting connotations. Odds and ends. However. The basis of the poem seems to be in a closing of your eyes to what was tangible. You're high on top of a tide and then you're not. The poem doesn't unload well. That's in fact what it does: unload. You don't want a poem to unload like that, and just empty itself right there on the page. You want a weightiness not an emptiness. If you're going to unload, you need to leave a weightiness there and not a complete emptying out. This poem makes perfect sense, and I don't want to just sound like I'm just talking hogwash: I hope you know what I mean by it just empties out and leaves and then offers no weight.

[AsianPotato]

Water and Sky


I once stood on top of the tide, 
I was up so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.

Then I reached out to touch the sky.  
The air slipped through my fingers,
And I opened my eyes.

I glanced below.
 
There was no tide.
Shallow water had walled me off,
From each and every side.

As the walls closed in,
I vowed to myself.
 
Never again,
Will I close these eyes. 

I'm new to poetry, and the following suggestions are mere opinions.

I feel as if the third stanza and the last stanza isn't dramatic enough, so I've changed it a bit. The entire poem didn't feel as strong as it could be (?) so I've changed a bit regarding the shallow water cornering the guy, overall I feel as if the idea behind the poem could be much more emphasized if you'd used stronger wording.

[C.los]

Very nice! I would suggest working with the flow a bit more. Taking out and maybe adding words so that it sounds better when you read it. Lines one and 2 for example sound a bit off...  

Hi, I would love to hear some feedback about my poem. Thanks. 

Water and Sky

Once I stood on the top of a tide. Once I stood on top of a tide
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes. I was so high, so I shut my eyes (just an opinion)

Then I reached out my hand to touch the sky.  
Air slipped through my fingers, so I opened my eyes. 

I glanced below, and saw no tide.
I was cornered by shallow water on every side. 

From now on, I will not shut my eyes.
I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie.
 

[keeper]

Amateur here - just my thoughts!
I like the idea behind this poem and I like the emotion you've captured!

That said, I think I want to feel the shock of being in shallow water a bit more.
I think removing some unnecessary words (as other have suggested) could help.

I would change: 'I was cornered by shallow water or every side' to 'cornered by shallow water on every side' or even 'shallow water on every side'.
I would also take Alexis of Wonderland's suggestion to change the second last line to 'No longer will I shut my eyes'
and I would end it there, removing 'I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie'.

[wordgobbler]

UHi! So, two lines that really stuck out to me were 
"I once stood on the top of a tide / since I was so high it seemed fine to shut my eyes" 
I know it's not a perfect rhyme but the latter part really does hit hard. It seems like it could be applied to a lot of situations, which is good in poetry since you want the reader to relate. It could be about, and this is just those two lines isolated, when you are really in a moment and you're feeling safe so you start to let go and disregard yourself which can eventually lead to trouble. 
I really think this poem is eloquent, simple and it doesn't need subtle metaphors woven into it, it is what it is. What you see is what you get, and I really like that.

[eharrison]

I have no idea what Im talking about but sometimes I find that if you use the same word like "water" more than a couple times it starts to lose interest. I like it when poets describe the same thing in different ways and I think that water/the ocean is perfect for doing that

[Vonstevenstien]

I feel like this work has a solid foundation. To me, it felt like you were describing how quickly life can change. One minute you're on top of the world and before you know it, you're washed out again. Really loved how you used the ocean and it's tide as a microcosm for acute change.
In my opinion; don't limit it's potential by trying to make all the words ryhme.
This is good stuff
(Grain of salt-this is my first rodeo!)

[Jana]

I'm having an issue with the title, and feel it would be more consistent calling it "Ocean and Sky" or "Water and Air." I like the concept and what you're trying to convey with the imagery but agree with the others on the wordiness. Much of the wording can be chopped to bare essentials and pack a harder punch as a result. I look forward to seeing the rewrite.

[Ivoryirwin]

Newbie here, so don't take my advice too seriously. I loved it, but I wasn't fond of you ending the first two stanzas with the same two words, it didn't flow too well. I also don't think all the stanzas rhymed too well. Awesome job, keep writing.

[AmiL0wHi]

attempt two at a critique for this poem
my suggestions as a newbie:

on the top to: atop (for flow)
my eyes to mine eye (to rhyme with sky)

add some more description and surprise! (water twixt my thighs up to my hide!)

I like the idea of talking about a full moon and time since they have to do with tides

From now on, I will not run time through my eyes.
I look for tidy waters and clear skies, and know they are a full moon of lies.

[Keith]

Your poem made me think of learning to surf, that fear when you first stand up so high above the ocean quickly into the shallows. The use of rhyming couplets needs a consistent meter it can vary from pair to pair but it helps if it is consistent in the couplet. The whole poem would benefit from a trim you have a lot of extra words that don't add anything to the poem. The triple use of eyes weakens the end rhymes so try something else, and don't be to obvious. I look forward to reading the edit. Best Keith

[Chorus]

Hi, I would love to hear some feedback about my poem. Thanks. 

Water and Sky

Once I rode atop of the tide. 
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.

Then I reached out my hand to touch the sky.  
Air slipped through my fingers, so I opened my eyes.
This somewhat confuses me. What else were you expecting, the air not to slip through your fingers?
I glanced below, and saw no tide.
Instead of saying "you saw no tide", try to find a more creative and powerful way to say the same message
I was cornered by shallow water on every side. 

From now on, I will not shut my eyes.
I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie.

[mirovia]

Once I stood on the top of a tide. 
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.

As I reached out my hand to touch the sky.  
Air slipped through my fingers, and I opened my eyes.

I glanced below and saw no tide.            No comma between below and tide, it's unnecessary 
I was cornered by shallow water on each side

From now on, I will not shut my eyes
As I look for deep waters, unknowing where they lie No comma between waters and but 
 

[Radetof.Yahska]

Water and Sky

Once I stood on the top of a tide. 
Since I was so high, it seemed fine to shut my eyes.          

Then I reached out my hand to touch the sky.                     <'my hand' is unnecessary>
Air slipped through my fingers, so I opened my eyes.        

I glanced below, and saw no tide.                             
I was cornered by shallow water on every side.          

From now on, I will not shut my eyes.                        
I look for deep waters, but don’t know where they lie.           <...search for deep waters, not knowing...>
 

The idea is nice, but you must surely understand the contextual baggage attached to deep water. The idea behind the poem, while nice, gets obfuscated with the third stanza, and while I cannot make it all out, it would be interesting to explore it. Also, to add on to what rowens said, this poem is an end-in-itself, leaving me with no urge to reflect. Some weight, or degree of ambiguity as to the nature of the end would probably help it sink in my head.

Good one, though! Look forward to more!