When I was young I did some poetry and recently decided to pick it up again. I would love some feedback to gain more insight and perspective to have inspiration when I pick it up again. I just wanted to let it sit for a couple of days to see how I will react to it when I read it again.
--
Always looking.
Looking around.
Looking within.
Looking for something.
Something to grab.
Only to realize;
It is a combination of things we already have.
A sacred combination.
An enumeration.
Multiple components that together reach divine property.
An essence; a motion.
All intertwined in the odyssey.
But, oh yes, the mind forgets.
The mind and its neurons are like zeros and ones.
Binary. Unable to perceive two.
Three.
Four...
Or the inbetweens.
Sometimes unaware of time:
Zero.
No time.
Sometimes aware of Time:
One.
A second.
But almost, álmost never aware of the beautiful decimals.
The heart is the kickstart to the mind,
Able to pump a powerful lifestream of bliss.
A lifestream of bliss flowing through this mathematical maze of zeros and ones.
The mind will often perceive this as a glitch in its matrix.
But, oh yes... The mind is a powerful, impeccable tool.
... when it wants to be.
So it adapts.
And learns.
And for brief moments it doesn't feel trapped in its matrix.
It sees opportunity.
Progression.
It sees purpose.
It is the mind that is looking for something;
The mind: A string of algorithms looking for divine property.
It is the heart that shows it is already there.
The heart: A motion of soul through the odyssey.
This comforts the mind; he found his friend.
His soulmate.
And in return, the mind frees her through its understanding.
Finally,
the heart is free again.
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, ben, for me this was too talky. I'd like to read something that expresses your chain of thought that brings me along a path to your conclusion without you saying it outright. I don't mean that the poem should be vague, just that you could give me examples that I could put together. SHow me the mind, the heart.
In particular the soulmate thing at the end is, to me, sappy and cliche.
I'm not suggesting you give up on it, you know what you want to say. Possibly the strophe starting with The heart is a kickstart could be something to build on. Good luck with it.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
You have plenty to work with here. I think you're trying to fit too much into a tiny space. Zero ones and in between is vague and huge, summing up everything in a reference to binary? As is it sounds like you're saying 'everything is, everything is numbers, everything' which doesn't really say anything, maybe I'm not looking hard enough, but the title set me predisposed to see what you think I should know about these numbers, maybe too much repetition
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 16
Threads: 5
Joined: Mar 2017
Hi! What I appreciate here is that you have a specific message and logic to convey about the relationship between the brain and the heart and the roles they play in creating and inhibiting our access to joy/love/openness. It did feel a little wordy though and sometimes hard to latch onto. I can feel how its rambling quality could be trying to establish the sense of searching and of seemingly disparate pieces but I think that for it to accomplish that in a more satisfying way it could have stronger imagery throughout - more showing and less.. explanation? Particularly in the ending to make it feel more climactic and to communicate the divine element of everything coming together.
(03-15-2017, 07:28 AM)benyamind Wrote: When I was young I did some poetry and recently decided to pick it up again. I would love some feedback to gain more insight and perspective to have inspiration when I pick it up again. I just wanted to let it sit for a couple of days to see how I will react to it when I read it again.
--
Always looking.
Looking around.
Looking within.
Looking for something.
Something to grab.
Only to realize;
It is a combination of things we already have.
A sacred combination.
An enumeration.
Multiple components that together reach divine property.
An essence; a motion.
All intertwined in the odyssey.
But, oh yes, the mind forgets.
The mind and its neurons are like zeros and ones.
Binary. Unable to perceive two.
Three.
Four...
Or the inbetweens.
Sometimes unaware of time:
Zero.
No time.
Sometimes aware of Time:
One.
A second.
But almost, álmost never aware of the beautiful decimals.
The heart is the kickstart to the mind,
Able to pump a powerful lifestream of bliss.
A lifestream of bliss flowing through this mathematical maze of zeros and ones.
The mind will often perceive this as a glitch in its matrix.
But, oh yes... The mind is a powerful, impeccable tool.
... when it wants to be.
So it adapts.
And learns.
And for brief moments it doesn't feel trapped in its matrix.
It sees opportunity.
Progression.
It sees purpose.
It is the mind that is looking for something;
The mind: A string of algorithms looking for divine property.
It is the heart that shows it is already there.
The heart: A motion of soul through the odyssey.
This comforts the mind; he found his friend.
His soulmate.
And in return, the mind frees her through its understanding.
Finally,
the heart is free again.
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2016
Hello
I like some of your concepts and language here, but I feel it is overdone. Often, less is more.
In a poetry about numbers/binary, it strikes me that the language should be less verbose, or perhaps alternating between high and low.
Be careful to just throw in rhymes for sound rather than sense.
There seems to be some aggrandizing attempt to write about something "macro" or bigger than us, if you get what I'm saying, but it's not working for me.
I want more of you in the poem. You say you've come back to poetry after some time...what happened in between? There is inspiration aplenty in that journey...
Best, EGR
If I'm reading it properly (new to critiquing, so apologies if I'm not) I like what your poem is communicating - the seeming unemotionality/logic of the mind and the free flow/spontaneity of the heart. It does seem like this idea could have been condensed somewhat, as it got lost for me when it seemed like maybe you were over-explaining the idea. If it were be, I'd take some of that wordy-ness out from the top-middle of the poem, and put a bit more into the connection between this concept and how it relates to the soulmate.
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hello benyamind,
I like your language use in the second stanza:
A sacred combination.
An enumeration.
Multiple components that together reach divine property.
An essence; a motion.
All intertwined in the odyssey.
In my opinion, you should start the poem over with this stanza, and then spend the rest of the poem developing the ideas that come from this stanza. For example, you could talk about why the combination (I am assuming this is referring to the heart and mind) is so sacred. From there you could almost have a stanza expanding on the idea your present in each line here.
I would also suggest putting extra focus on the idea of the odyssey. Why are the mind and heart going on an odyssey, or is trying to unite them the odyssey itself? I think this is a wonderful idea that needs to be explored more, but with less of a binary metaphor and more of an appeal to emotion. As well, if the mind and heart are soul-mates, then that means they are madly in love with each other. How would this sort of relationship affect their odyssey? In closing, I look forward to seeing where you take some of the ideas in this poem from here.
Keep writing,
Richard
Posts: 33
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2017
***As somebody who took up left-brained pursuits in my younger days but who more and more is interested in more right-brained activities, this generally resonated with me. It was easy for me to read it several times.
Always looking.
Looking around.
Looking within.
Looking for something.
Something to grab.
Only to realize;
It is a combination of things we already have.
A sacred combination.
An enumeration.
Multiple components that together reach divine property.
An essence; a motion.
All intertwined in the odyssey.
But, oh yes, the mind forgets.
The mind and its neurons are like zeros and ones. *** Not sure how the punctuation should be but I'd somehow get rid of the "are" even tho' a verb would be lacking on this line.
Maybe change to "The mind and it's neurons of zeros and ones" ? Something like that ... not sure.
Binary. Unable to perceive two. *** "perceive", I guess work as the verb if this is read as a continuation of the prior line. Not sure exactly.
Three.
Four...
Or the inbetweens.
Sometimes unaware of time:
Zero.
No time.
Sometimes aware of Time:
One.
A second.
But almost, álmost never aware of the beautiful decimals.
The heart is the kickstart to the mind, ***kickstart*** loses the imagery for me a tad. I dunno. Maybe something like "The heart starts the mind's iteration"... just a thought. I'm sure other phrases would work.
Able to pump a powerful lifestream of bliss.
A lifestream of bliss flowing through this mathematical maze of zeros and ones.
The mind will often perceive this as a glitch in its matrix. *** "will often" sounds somewhat too wordy. Shorten to "The mind perceives a matrix glitch" or "Temporarily, the mind perceives a matrix glitch" or ??? depending upon the meter you want???
But, oh yes... The mind is a powerful, impeccable tool. ***not sure but maybe "This" mind "or" this mind concept" or ???. reads too much from an encyclopedia if that makes any sense.
... when it wants to be.
So it adapts.
And learns.
And for brief moments it doesn't feel trapped in its matrix. *** "feel trapped" ... maybe jettison this? or reword? simply "it is untrapped" or even (more colorful?) something like "it is unsnared" (Google *seems* to have these as words but even if they should turn out to be false words, maybe a poetic lisc can be exercised .... not an expert on this stuff!)
It sees opportunity.
Progression.
It sees purpose.
It is the mind that is looking for something;
The mind: A string of algorithms looking for divine property.
It is the heart that shows it is already there.
The heart: A motion of soul through the odyssey.
This comforts the mind; he found his friend.
His soulmate.
And in return, the mind frees her through its understanding.
Finally,
the heart is free again.
***Misc. Closing thoughts.
This is my 1st critique so be gentle on me!
The work flowed well with a good interesting theme.
All in all, I can say this. After reading your work and several others, I was compelled to jump in and comment in this particular thread. That in and off itself tells you something! Hope that my comments help in at least some small way... Cheers!
Really interesting reactions, thank you all. I am completely fine with heavy criticism or feedback in general. It seems there is a consensus that it is wordy, or to descriptive in a sense. Interesting. I enjoy reading your reactions just to see how it resonates with other people. Looking back I understand what I did. There is no wrong though, just possibilities. I'm gonna try something fresh, completely different.
TrashPanda333
Unregistered
I honestly loved your poem. The math them connecting it to life looking at other from a different perspective was great. But for me it didn't really flow. It was kinda choppy and didn't flow off the tonight ya know. I feel like it needs more or a rythem
Hey benyamind,
I read the poem a couple times to be able to fully grasp the thoughts and feelings, esspecially that contrast, I felt you were trying to portray..
I have pondered and puzzled ocer this very concept, so it seems you have/had chosen an excellent topic to write about.
I get what people are saying about the "wordy" nature of the poem... it does at point feel as though you lead the reader off the path and through a ravine of boulders. The concepts become more difficult to navigate while the timing gets choppy, so the flow is lost (for me anyway).
I like the concept of contrasting poems or writen things in general because it makes me think, exmamine multiple perspectives. So I think you should try and re-work this rough stone. There is immense potential beauty in this material, with the right cut from a tenacious hand, the clarity will be exquisit.
My advice, comes in two suggestions,
One - decide what the two different methods, modes, or "flows" will be before you start writing too much, and try to stick to the "eb and flow" as much as possible so the reader feels like they are being, slowley yet systemically, rocked on a rocking chair - and less like they are being taken on the worlds craziest rollercoaster for their first ride ever.
Two - it felt as though in parts you struggled with expressing the broken/robotic/analytical thoughts in a way that conveyed the feelings you had. I will quote that part so you know what I am talking about;
"But, oh yes, the mind forgets.
//---> 1, 1 2, 1 2 3-4 I like this rhythm <---//
The mind and its neurons are like zeros and ones.
//---> 1 2, 1 2 3-4, 1 2 3 4 5 , still a workable rhythm, also I like the way you use electronics language to experss the concept of on and off. <---//
Binary. Unable to perceive two.
//---> 1(2). 1-2 3 4-5 6 this is where the nice path you started, this "thought/feeling group", falls out from under my feet and leaves the reader (me anyway) disoriented. <---//
Three.
//---> 1. And it flatlines... is that what you were going for? If not I think you could come up with a way to keep your rhythem robust, and the abstract thoughts. <---//
Four...
//---> 1... why the switch between a period and ellipses? <---//
Or the inbetweens,
Sometimes unaware of time: |//---> this group has the word
Zero. | "time", or derrivitive there - of,
No time. | in use 5 times... while repeating
Sometimes aware of Time: | a phrase or word can be usefull
One. | for emphasis, focus, etc. I would
A second." | refain from using it as 35% of a
| concept. <---//
Anyway, hope that my ramblings are helpfull for you in someway,
even though I am not educated or trained in litterary
study and pulled it all out of my butt.
Posts: 16
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2017
Hi,
What really attracted me to read your poem, was its really nice title, congratulations on that!
I love how you have simplified a constant process that living beings are a part of: perceiving things around them, trying to acquire them and then judging whether that new acquisition makes them any more complete. And the two units that a play a part in this process, the mechanical mind and the flowy heart are also nicely represented, and I like their interaction.
In criticism, I would say that I had to read the poem multiple times, because, to me, it seemed to lack a cadance, that would have helped me understand it much better. That is, when I tried to read it in my mind, I couldn't catch hold of an obvious rhythm, which I would have found useful.
|
