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Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2017
What a hole.
You slump against the stall while
mopeds with sweaty pipes for seats flit by.
Tires squawk to ravish your ears,
noises twirl to sicken your eyes,
ever-rising through the hot
gas
of the asphalt.
A groan of agitation
yanks
you on. Abandoning
the stall's delights,
tapping your holster stuffed with sanitiser,
you skirt round beggar boys,
insulted.
Your thoughts fixate on what it all
ought
to be,
and you welcome the embarrassment,
tied to your coccyx
like a sack of spuds.
It won't move in a hurry,
because you were made by
better,
by clear complexions
and the dainty chink of glass.
This place holds no seat
in your repertoire of Emirates ventures.
But then it catches,
like a toenail in cotton.
A mongrel,
dirty and doe-eyed,
hobbles
into the road,
right into the purview of a
thoughtless, steel fender.
The driver screams,
but no-one looks away,
and you
watch
you watch,
and won't avert your eyes
for any other sight
in your
better,
cleaner world.
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey Joe,
Welcome to the site  Your poem does have some nice language use in it. However, I do have some suggestions. I'll go into greater detail below:
(06-21-2017, 02:36 AM)joecarey123 Wrote: What a hole. -I find this line too conversational, so I would suggest dropping it from the poem.
You slump against the stall while
mopeds with sweaty pipes for seats flit by.
Tires squawk to ravish your ears,
noises twirl to sicken your eyes,
ever-rising through the hot
gas
of the asphalt. -I know this stanza is describing the setting and also setting the mood to a certain extent. There also isn't much wrong with it. However, I don't find it does much to set up the climax of the poem (the dog being hit by a car). I would also suggest removing this from the poem, and starting it at the next line. I understand if you don't do that though. I know from experience that sometimes it's hard to ax an entire stanza.
A groan of agitation -See, this line grabs my attention and makes a better opening line, in my opinion.
yanks
you on. Abandoning
the stall's delights,
tapping your holster stuffed with sanitiser,
you skirt round beggar boys,
insulted. -This is a bit unclear. Who is insulted? The beggar boys or the speaker?
Your thoughts fixate on what it all
ought
to be, -The spacing of this line gives it emphasis, which I think it deserves.
and you welcome the embarrassment,
tied to your coccyx
like a sack of spuds. -I am unsure what you mean here. My best guess is travelers' diarrhea. This image could be made clearer.
It won't move in a hurry,
because you were made by
better,
by clear complexions
and the dainty chink of glass.
This place holds no seat
in your repertoire of Emirates ventures. -This entire stanza sets up the speaker feeling superior to his/her surroundings. I think you did a good job at achieving that purpose.
But then it catches,
like a toenail in cotton. -These two lines are my favorite part of the whole poem. They actually made me stop and smile. This is just wonderful language use. These lines are effective because they made me (the reader) stop, while describing how the person in the poem stops cold.
A mongrel,
dirty and doe-eyed,
hobbles
into the road,
right into the purview of a
thoughtless, steel fender. -Personally, I would shorten this stanza. I don't think you need to describe the dog or car so much.
The driver screams,
but no-one looks away,
and you
watch -I like the spacing here because this word is so vital to the poem.
you watch, -I also like the repetition here for the same reason as above.
and won't avert your eyes
for any other sight
in your
better,
cleaner world. -I like this ending. It ties back nicely to other parts of the poem, while also communicating the accident's impact on the traveler in the poem. Overall, I think you have a nice first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Keep writing,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
Hey Joe, where you going with that sanitiser in your hand? I quite enjoyed this. Some thoughts below.
(06-21-2017, 02:36 AM)joecarey123 Wrote: What a hole.
You slump against the stall while
mopeds with sweaty pipes for seats flit by.
Tires squawk to ravish your ears, I was a little disappointed with the verb choices of 'squawk' and 'ravish' after the language in the first 2 lines. - Not as fresh.
noises twirl to sicken your eyes, the abstraction here slowed my reading
ever-rising through the hot
gas
of the asphalt.
A groan of agitation
yanks
you on. Abandoning
the stall's delights, I think this comma should be replaced with "and" before "tapping". I only mention it because the piece is punctuated better than most.
tapping your holster stuffed with sanitiser,
you skirt round beggar boys,
insulted.
Your thoughts fixate on what it all
ought
to be,
and you welcome the embarrassment,
tied to your coccyx
like a sack of spuds.
It won't move in a hurry, For my taste, I would love a full stop after "hurry" and starting with "You were..." in the next strophe. Your poem.
because you were made by
better,
by clear complexions
and the dainty chink of glass.
This place holds no seat
in your repertoire of Emirates ventures.
But then it catches,
like a toenail in cotton. Wonderful!
A mongrel,
dirty and doe-eyed,
hobbles
into the road,
right into the purview of a
thoughtless, steel fender. The comma slows down the ending. (and the fender) Consider striking "steel" - or not.
The driver screams,
but no-one looks away,
and you
watch
you watch,
and won't avert your eyes
for any other sight
in your
better,
cleaner world.
Thanks for posting Joe. I enjoyed the read.
Paul
Posts: 14
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2017
Thanks both for the constructive comments, really insightful and most of them I agree with.
Tiger, that comma was only put in today (and I wrote this weeks ago!) Think it'll have to go!
I can tell I'm going to enjoy this site...
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi joecarey123
As I read your poem I thought about a beautiful woman I saw in a video who crossed over many lanes of treacherous traffic on foot to save an injured pup trapped next to a barrier wall. I saw her as brave and I wondered who was filming the entire event as she picked up the animal and brought him back to her car. She saved him, rescued him as hundreds zoomed past. It was sad and victorious all at once.
What a hole. - I thought about the world, but if it is a person, I would want this line omitted. Unless
the writer's intent is to disclose the speaker's hatred for another.
You slump against the stall while -this made me think of a heroin junky in a bathroom, slumping
mopeds with sweaty pipes for seats flit by. -cheap, junky, vehicles
Tires squawk to ravish your ears, -squawk seems displaced
noises twirl to sicken your eyes,
ever-rising through the hot
gas
of the asphalt.
A groan of agitation
yanks
you on. Abandoning
the stall's delights,
tapping your holster stuffed with sanitiser, -interesting, germ killer?
you skirt round beggar boys, - okay, a female
insulted. -how is she insulted?
Your thoughts fixate on what it all
ought
to be,
and you welcome the embarrassment,
tied to your coccyx
like a sack of spuds. -she's now a dog with her tail between her legs?
It won't move in a hurry,
because you were made by
better,
by clear complexions
and the dainty chink of glass. these two lines are descriptive, but it doesn't make sense why she's in a stall?
This place holds no seat
in your repertoire of Emirates ventures. shouldn't Emirates be singular?
But then it catches, love this, because it is something most can relate to
like a toenail in cotton. and it is indicative of an attention grabber
A mongrel, this is the part that reminded me of the video
dirty and doe-eyed,
hobbles
into the road,
right into the purview of a
thoughtless, steel fender.
The driver screams,
but no-one looks away,
and you
watch
you watch,
and won't avert your eyes
for any other sight
in your
better,
cleaner world. -great 6 lines here.
As reader I am gathering anger toward a female who somehow wronged someone else or watched them get hurt in some way and didn't offer help, but I'm not sure. It's as though the speaker is also a spectator watching a watcher, so that's confusing. Though the ending is very strong and the clearest part of the poem, I can't quite understand how it all ties together, but it's probably me, I ate sugar today, because I am addicted. I may have to come back to this again. I apologize for the disorder of my critique, the spacing and wild format.
Best wishes
Janine
there's always a better reason to love
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