That wave of silence

[67eager]

THAT WAVE OF SILENCE

So we hid ourselves in a bush.
There's no way I'll be driving.
Have you seen the size of that tush?
I was held in by Dr. Bloom.
Across the crescent shaped room,
Early exchanges are thriving.

With only the rays of dawn cast upon it,
Everything the room holds becomes more clear:
Empty space reveals buoyant specks of grime,
The carpet awakens ancient fits of vomit,
And the shelves expose concealed cans of beer
Whose neglected leaks drenched lost items.
The lives seem varied. Yet from hijab to bonnet
They all look ahead and they all lack fear,
Bearing only a fraction more time.
Minute by minute the room lightens.

But with a steady crank of the door handle,
The goose bump wind which its opening brought
Causes all heads to fixate on one man, who looks
A day away from blowing sixty candles.
So to avoid their discrete ways from being caught,
All of them ride that wave of conscious silence.
In an attempt to retrieve noise, the man dandles. 
Forced sniggers greet the act. That failed, he must have thought.
At the sight of this act, the males repress right hooks.
So he parts, too aware of the threat of violence.

[Richard]

Hey 67eager,
I think you have a worthy idea here that should be explored in a poem. However, I think some of your language choices hinder your overall message. I'll explain more below:

THAT WAVE OF SILENCE

So we hid ourselves in a bush.
There's no way I'll be driving.
Have you seen the size of that tush? -I know what tush means, but do many people use it is as word anymore? I feel like this an example of rhyming taking over what you need to say in your poem.
I was held in by Dr. Bloom. -Why are the first four lines in italics? Is it supposed to be dialogue? If it is, I would use quotation marks to make that clearer.
Across the crescent shaped room,
Early exchanges are thriving. -I like the last two lines here, and I feel like they're strong enough to start the poem with them.

With only the rays of dawn cast upon it,
Everything the room holds becomes more clear:
Empty space reveals buoyant specks of grime, -I like this line because it creates a nice image in my mind.
The carpet awakens ancient fits of vomit,
And the shelves expose concealed cans of beer
Whose neglected leaks drenched lost items.
The lives seem varied. Yet from hijab to bonnet -I could be wrong, but I feel like "bonnet" it an older word that doesn't get used much today. Are you just using this word because it rhymes with "vomit"?
They all look ahead and they all lack fear, -How can hijabs and hats lack fear?
Bearing only a fraction more time.
Minute by minute the room lightens.

But with a steady crank of the door handle,
The goose bump wind which its opening brought -I like "goose bump wind" because it's wonderful wording. However, I feel like you're only using "brought" to rhyme with "caught".
Causes all heads to fixate on one man, who looks
A day away from blowing sixty candles. -This line created a strange image in my mind. Again, it feels like you're just using "candles" to rhyme with "dandles".
So to avoid their discrete ways from being caught,
All of them ride that wave of conscious silence.
In an attempt to retrieve noise, the man dandles. 
Forced sniggers greet the act. That failed, he must have thought.
At the sight of this act, the males repress right hooks. -Why only their right hooks?
So he parts, too aware of the threat of violence.

I my be biased because I am an anti-rhyming poet, but my biggest suggestion would be the try rewriting this without the rhymes. There are times in this poem when it feels like the rhyming took over what you were trying to say, and I think you could be more faithful to your main idea if you tried to focus on exploring it without concerning yourself with the rhyming. I look forward to seeing where you go from here with this piece.

Keep writing,
Richard

[thegaslights]

Hi! This is my first crit here, I hope it is helpful. I'm open to feedback. 

My overall impression of the poem is that there is a group of people with diverse backgrounds brought together (my read is an office environment, or some sort of organization - crime?) by a despised and/or feared authority figure. Aside from the first four lines, the form does a good job of conveying emotion, which for me came across as tense and uncomfortable, sometimes fearful and angry. This tension came through even in the first two stanzas which are talking about a more relaxed atmosphere - maybe play with the line length if this is not your intention. 

THAT WAVE OF SILENCE

So we hid ourselves in a bush. These first four lines seem very different in terms of both content and tone, and I can't make sense of them. My best guess is that bush is innuendo, and these lines are foreshadowing the last stanza's "act" as sexual harassment? I recommend revising here to make the differences in narrator or purpose clearer. 
There's no way I'll be driving.
Have you seen the size of that tush?
I was held in by Dr. Bloom. I'm missing the reference/implication here. Dr. Bloom in particular doesn't have meaning for me and doesn't seem to tie into anything else in the poem. Can you revise or expand to explain? 
Across the crescent shaped room,
Early exchanges are thriving. I like these lines. I wonder why the room is so oddly shaped, what they are talking about. Good hooks, and I agree could be great opening lines. 

With only the rays of dawn cast upon it, more provoked thoughts, why only rays of dawn? secrecy? familiarity? nice. 
Everything the room holds becomes more clear: nice use of punctuation. I might prefer "What the room holds" for flow, your choice
Empty space reveals buoyant specks of grime, 
The carpet awakens ancient fits of vomit, love this
And the shelves expose concealed cans of beer expose/concealed trips me up, i end up reading it twice with a furrowed brow. Maybe the shelves betray concealed cans? Expose suggests to me the cans of beer are still there, visible, maybe partially concealed. I might look for another word which denotes a past tense can, or hints of an actually concealed can, if that's your intention. 
Whose neglected leaks drenched lost items. leaks/drenched is another contradiction that i don't think adds much. Maybe leaks/mark?
The lives seem varied. Yet from hijab to bonnet I actually love the use of the vomit/bonnet rhyme. The unusual word choice makes the rhyme feel fresh and surprising, and I'm left wondering in what social setting are people wearing both hijabs and bonnets. Is this an Amish meet-and-greet with a mosque? It really drives home the message that this is a diverse and unusual gathering, and a little hyperbole doesn't hurt. 
They all look ahead and they all lack fear, this line and the next fall a little flat for me. Also, if they are all looking in the same direction, that connotes fear or surprise to me. 
Bearing only a fraction more time.
Minute by minute the room lightens. I like this line. 

But with a steady crank of the door handle,
The goose bump wind which its opening brought great
Causes all heads to fixate on one man, who looks enjambment works to show that this guy means business, looking back seriously at all the room's occupants
A day away from blowing sixty candles.
So to avoid their discrete ways from being caught, word choice on discrete --- do you mean discreet? 
All of them ride that wave of conscious silence.
In an attempt to retrieve noise, the man dandles. word choice on dandles. I admit I had to look it up. As far as I can tell there are two meanings - bounce like a baby on someone's knee, or fondle. I'm guessing from the context it's the latter, but it still doesn't seem to fit with his motivations or the room's reaction. Who did he fondle? Himself? Also fondles might (slant) fit the rhyme you're going for and be more straightforward (no looking up required) with some editing of the next line to fit. But why would this aggressive act retrieve the relaxed atmosphere of before he was in the room? If instead you intended the former definition as a way of saying "he was acting silly" then I think I really missed the point of this poem. Either way I would revise this line. 
Forced sniggers greet the act. That failed, he must have thought. 
At the sight of this act, the males repress right hooks. This rhyme seems a bit forced to me
So he parts, too aware of the threat of violence. I like the end rhyme here. 

Overall, good imagery and emotion. Some confusing bits that I think can be much improved with minor edits. Hope this is helpful!

[CRNDLSM]

Howdy whoever you are, things I do and don't like,
At first the rhyme scheme was the only thing I liked about this, caught me off guard and the rhythm was alright, then the rhyme scheme irritated me I didn't get it just seemed haphazard and forced, then I plotted it out and I appreciated it again, like a interesting drum lick. 

THAT WAVE OF SILENCE

So we hid ourselves in a bush. A
There's no way I'll be driving.b
Have you seen the size of that tush?a really?
I was held in by Dr. Bloom c should I get the reference?
Across the crescent shaped room,c
Early exchanges are thriving. B ilots of them?

With only the rays of dawn cast upon it, a
Everything the room holds becomes more clear:b
Empty space reveals buoyant specks of grime,c
The carpet awakens ancient fits of vomit,a
And the shelves expose concealed cans of beerb
Whose neglected leaks drenched lost items.d iI don't like anything about this line, whose, leaks, beer
The lives seem varied. Yet from hijab to bonneta
They all look ahead and they all lack fear,b
Bearing only a fraction more time.c
Minute by minute the room lightens.d I I like the slow development, but I don't understand, the confusion isn't holding my interest

But with a steady crank of the door handle,a
The goose bump wind which its opening broughtb don't like opening brought, yukky,
Causes all heads to fixate on one man, who looksc
A day away from blowing sixty candles.areally?
So to avoid their discrete ways from being caught,bthis sounds like kids being hooligans
All of them ride that wave of conscious silence.dI feel like this should be deep or could be deep
In an attempt to retrieve noise, the man dandles. Aand dandling totally lost me
Forced sniggers greet the act. That failed, he must have thought.bI feel like your forcing your way to the ending
At the sight of this act, the males repress right hooks.cmales... documentary style
So he parts, too aware of the threat of violence.dand the ending just ends

[nibbed]

Hi, 67eager
I think I may have critiqued this poem wrongly or rudely, I am not sure, now I've forgotten...but I apologize and will try again. I want to see where it's at by reading it at its face value and not incorporating my own inuendos and thoughts of metaphor. Here goes:




THAT WAVE OF SILENCE                                                      the title implies that moment in time when silence is awkward, maybe even funny

So we hid ourselves in a bush.
There's no way I'll be driving.
Have you seen the size of that tush?
I was held in by Dr. Bloom.                                                   At first I didn't realize these were a compilation of random remarks by many persons in a room.
Across the crescent shaped room,
Early exchanges are thriving.

With only the rays of dawn cast upon it,                               
Everything the room holds becomes more clear:
Empty space reveals buoyant specks of grime,                   floating particles of dust
The carpet awakens ancient fits of vomit,                            not sure if this is odor or stains
And the shelves expose concealed cans of beer                  this is one place where I get messed up
Whose neglected leaks drenched lost items.                       
The lives seem varied. Yet from hijab to bonnet                  clever, females
They all look ahead and they all lack fear,                           
Bearing only a fraction more time.
Minute by minute the room lightens.                                    how does the room lighten?

But with a steady crank of the door handle,                         steady
The goose bump wind which its opening brought                 does that mean the wind was scary?
Causes all heads to fixate on one man, who looks
A day away from blowing sixty candles.                                this was funny to me
So to avoid their discrete ways from being caught,               caught at what? speaking their hearts?
All of them ride that wave of conscious silence.                     
In an attempt to retrieve noise, the man dandles.                 this is where I get confused, the man who walked in dandles...but then I get messed up
Forced sniggers greet the act. That failed, he must have thought.
At the sight of this act, the males repress right hooks.           hold back punches?
So he parts, too aware of the threat of violence.



I want to say the poem is an observation poem about people in a waiting room and they are acting like their true goofy selves and someone serious walks in the room and a few feel uncomfortable about his seriousness so they fidget, clear throats, or whatever but then the serious person leaves because they somehow feel threatened by men who want to punch him?

Certainly made me think. thank you for the read, 67eager.
I hope your morning is bright & wonderful. janine

[joecarey123]

Hiya 67 - thanks for sharing this, it certainly is interesting and there's some evocative language in here. However, bits and bobs don't seem to quite 'fit' for me - maybe you can help me explain. 

THAT WAVE OF SILENCE

So we hid ourselves in a bush.
There's no way I'll be driving.
Have you seen the size of that tush?
I was held in by Dr. Bloom.
Across the crescent shaped room,
Early exchanges are thriving.    Apart from the last two lines, this stanza seems a bit random and not quite cohesive. 

With only the rays of dawn cast upon it,
Everything the room holds becomes more clear:
Empty space reveals buoyant specks of grime,      I'm not sure buoyant is the word here - doesn't quite make sense with grime, even as a contrast. 
The carpet awakens ancient fits of vomit,              Love the language here. 
And the shelves expose concealed cans of beer
Whose neglected leaks drenched lost items.         
The lives seem varied. Yet from hijab to bonnet
They all look ahead and they all lack fear,
Bearing only a fraction more time.
Minute by minute the room lightens.

But with a steady crank of the door handle,
The goose bump wind which its opening brought         The tense seems to be confused here - is it present or past?
Causes all heads to fixate on one man, who looks          The tense is now present, as with the rest of the poem. 
A day away from blowing sixty candles.
So to avoid their discrete ways from being caught,        Is "from" the correct word here, rather than "of"?
All of them ride that wave of conscious silence.
In an attempt to retrieve noise, the man dandles. 
Forced sniggers greet the act. That failed, he must have thought.
At the sight of this act, the males repress right hooks.
So he parts, too aware of the threat of violence.            A good ending which emphasises the bleak, quite bitter atmosphere. 

Overall, a great set of images, but not quite sure they always glue together. 

Thanks again for sharing!