Mourning Glory

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

As light breaks through the mountain ridges
It touches upon pastures and cobblestone bridges
On top of the summit, tall there would tower
Where once bloomed a lovely autumns flower

He had no kin of his own, for those were with the trees down below
Accompanied solely by the light, the wind and the snow
The light didn’t engage in conversation and was rather taciturn
Save it for a morning greeting, and his moonlit return

The snow would often mutter and grind,
But unlike the trees would think, he was warm and kind
The most loquacious of them all, was without a doubt the wind
Which told stories so wild, the flower couldn’t have ever imagined

Thus their lives were composed of tranquility and bliss
Until one day however, something was quite amiss
When the snow croaked to the wind, to which she did not take heart
Enraged, she stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart

In response the snow started to rumble and tear
The avalanche dragging the flower down, in a fit of despair
After the wind bore witness to the passing of her friend
Tears of bitter grief would violently descend

There in the mountains, where the wind still howls out in search
Dear trees, have you perhaps seen my beloved flower, and what of the snow?
I think the flower got lost in that fateful storm, replies a birch
regarding your other friend, spoke the oak, was drowned in your sorrow.

The wind could not help but continue to grieve
But thankfully the light was there to console and relieve
As the light pierced through her clouds on the mountain ridges,
Upon those now distant pastures and cobblestone bridges.

[67eager]

I think, for the most part, that this is a fantastic poem. You use very beautifull imagery and manage to retain meaning despite the limitations of the rhyme scheme. To me this poem at face value can be interpreted as the violent and soleless forces of nature, but could also (I know this is a stretch) be talking about the consequences which war has on the innocent and the vulnerable (here exemplified as the flower). However, By the end of my reading, I do feel as though the poem is unfinished, and that there are a couple of accuracy errors which I would like to point out. 

As the light breaks through the mountain ridges,
it touches upon pastures and cobblestone bridges.
On top of the summit, tall it would tower, -This is sentence is a bit of a struggle to make much sense of. Perhaps by revising the rhymes would would be a able to create a clearer suggestion?
there where once bloomed a lovely flower. I really like the image which you create here. However, I do think you could be a bit more adventurous with the adjective describing the flower. After all, it is one of the most revered subjects of poetry! So make your own original mark.
 
He had no kin of his own, for those were with the trees down below. -Is our home really defined by our surroundings?
Solely accompanied by the light, wind, and the snow.- I think this line would sound nicer if you switched around 'solely' and 'accompanied', as it would place more emphasis on 'solely' in my opinion.
The light didn’t engage in conversation and was rather taciturn,
save it for a morning greeting, and a moonlit return. -the rhymes here are close to perfect here. You invoke perceptive insight into nature with these personnifications.
 
The snow would often mutter and grind, -Very unique sonorary imagery.
but unlike the trees would think, he was warm and kind. -How so? Perhaps try explaining this in the lines that follow
The most loquacious of them all, was without a doubt the wind;
which told stories so wild, the flower couldn’t have ever imagined. I don't think the comma is needed in this line
 
Thus their lives were composed of tranquility and bliss,
until one day however, something was quite amiss. -You do a great job of conveying the spontaneity of nature and its forces. To conscious beings, peace and tranquility should result in more peace and tranquility. 
When the snow croaked out a response to which the wind did not take heart.-Are you saying that the snow offended the wind? Interesting... 
Enraged, he stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart.
 
In response the snow started to rumble and tear,
the avalanche dragging the flower down, in utter despair.
After the wind bore witness to the passing of her friend,
Tears of bitter grief would violently descend.
 
The rain would melt the snow, and the clouds would block out the light;
a thundering roar would erupt as a result of her now lonesome fright. -I'm not really sure how this line is significant enough for it to be only made up of two lines.

There in the mountains, where the wind still howls out in search:
"Dear trees, have you perhaps seen my flower, and what of the snow?"
"I think the flower got lost in that fateful storm", said the birch.
"And your other friend", spoke the oak, "was drowned in your sorrow". 'Is the other friend meant to be the snow? I'm not really sure here.                  (i know this line is a bit quirky)
 
The wind could not help but continue to grief, I think "grieve" would seem a lot more correct
but fortunately the light was there to console and relief. Again, I think that 'relieve' would be a lot more correct.
As the light pierced through her clouds on the mountain ridges,
Upon those now distant pastures and cobblestone bridges. This line needs a bit of revisiting. 'Upon those' just doesn't sound nice in my head. I don't know why technically, but I know mentally that there's a feeling of incompleteness in these last two lines.

[Szczepan]

As the light breaks through the mountain ridges,
it touches upon pastures and cobblestone bridges. <<< "upon" superfluous?
On top of the summit, tall it would tower, <<< not sure what "it" is yet / or is it the light? guess I am dense. / yeah by reading the end o.k. so it ties together ...good!
there where once bloomed a lovely flower.
 
He had no kin of his own, for those were with the trees down below.
Solely accompanied by the light, wind, and the snow.
The light didn’t engage in conversation and was rather taciturn, <<< too unwieldy perhaps? Maybe cut out "rather" and rearrange somehow?
save it for a morning greeting, and a moonlit return.
 
The snow would often mutter and grind,
but unlike the trees would think, he was warm and kind.
The most loquacious of them all, was without a doubt the wind;
which told stories so wild, the flower couldn’t have ever imagined.
 
Thus their lives were composed of tranquility and bliss,
until one day however, something was quite amiss.
When the snow croaked out a response to which the wind did not take heart.
Enraged, he stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart.
 
In response the snow started to rumble and tear,
the avalanche dragging the flower down, in utter despair.
After the wind bore witness to the passing of her friend,
Tears of bitter grief would violently descend.
 
The rain would melt the snow, and the clouds would block out the light; <<< the rain melted snow and the clouds blocked (out) the light ... to shorten?
a thundering roar would erupt as a result of her now lonesome fright.

There in the mountains, where the wind still howls out in search:
"Dear trees, have you perhaps seen my flower, and what of the snow?"
"I think the flower got lost in that fateful storm, said the birch."
"And your other friend", spoke the oak, "was drowned in your sorrow".                                (i know this line is a bit quirky) << nope! not to me.
 
The wind could not help but continue to grief,
but fortunately the light was there to console and relief.
As the light pierced through her clouds on the mountain ridges,
Upon those now distant pastures and cobblestone bridges.

Very nice poem in general. Thanks for sharing.

[Richard]

Hey Cat,
I like the image of the flower growing alone and then eventually being destroyed by nature. I think this image works because it is so wide open to interpretation. My biggest suggestion would have to do with some of your word choices, but I'll go into more detail below:

As the light breaks through the mountain ridges,
it touches upon pastures and cobblestone bridges.
On top of the summit, tall it would tower, -This line sounds awkward because you're trying to make a rhyme.
there where once bloomed a lovely flower.
 
He had no kin of his own, for those were with the trees down below. -I find it intriguing that you made the flower a "he". This is interesting because flowers are traditionally considered a symbol for femininity. I just wish that you did a bit more with this idea.
Solely accompanied by the light, wind, and the snow.
The light didn’t engage in conversation and was rather taciturn,
save it for a morning greeting, and a moonlit return. -I found that the last two lines in this stanza made the light sound cold. Was that your intention?
 
The snow would often mutter and grind,
but unlike the trees would think, he was warm and kind. -I'm assuming the "he" is the flower again. How can a flower be kind? Or how can a flower be kind to the snow? I feel like this idea needs to be explored more.
The most loquacious of them all, was without a doubt the wind;
which told stories so wild, the flower couldn’t have ever imagined.
 
Thus their lives were composed of tranquility and bliss,
until one day however, something was quite amiss.-The word "something" is a bit vague. I would suggest using a different word.
When the snow croaked out a response to which the wind did not take heart. -I am a bit confused here. What is the snow responding to? The tranquility? The wild stories? This needs to be clarified.
Enraged, he stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart.
 
In response the snow started to rumble and tear, -Is the repetition of "response" intentional? I don't quite understand its importance.
the avalanche dragging the flower down, in utter despair. -I think that "utter despair" is a bit clichéd, but others might disagree. I would suggest saying it differently.
After the wind bore witness to the passing of her friend,
Tears of bitter grief would violently descend.
 
The rain would melt the snow, and the clouds would block out the light;
a thundering roar would erupt as a result of her now lonesome fright. -I like the image here. I think it would sound stronger though if you said "loneliness" instead of "now lonesome fright".

There in the mountains, where the wind still howls out in search: -Why is the wind searching for the flower? Doesn't it know the flower is dead?
"Dear trees, have you perhaps seen my flower, and what of the snow?"
"I think the flower got lost in that fateful storm, said the birch."
"And your other friend", spoke the oak, "was drowned in your sorrow".                                (i know this line is a bit quirky)
 
The wind could not help but continue to grief,
but fortunately the light was there to console and relief.-Based on the description of the light back in the second stanza, I don't know how it will offer much consoling. 
As the light pierced through her clouds on the mountain ridges,
Upon those now distant pastures and cobblestone bridges. -Stylistically, I like the repetition of these images. I just don't see the significance of the cobblestone bridges. I could be missing something though. It wouldn't be the first time.

Overall, I think you have some nice images and examples of personification in this poem. You just need to strengthen your wording, so the narrative is more effective.

Keep writing,
Richard

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Hi all! Thanks alot for the kind remarks and good feedback!

...but could also (I know this is a stretch) be talking about the consequences which war has on the innocent and the vulnerable (here exemplified as the flower). 

Close! The main idea isn't far off from what you guessed, though. In this poem, i tried to picture how disputes and quarell can effect third parties, to a certain extent that you might even lose those loved ones. War would actually be the same thing, as civilians could be seen as a third party (From a much broader perspective).

Through anthropomorphia i tried to sketch off certain characters that we all know in real life. 
Such as the person that everyone generally thinks is a douchebag, but is kind when you get to know him such as the snow (which was the other lost friend), the silent person, who generally doesn't speak much, yet is always there to support you and whose presence is always appreciated (light) and so on. 

Thank you for your thorough feedback, you've certainly given me some great pointers that i'll use to improve this poem!

I found that the last two lines in this stanza made the light sound cold. Was that your intention?
Just silent and timid (Cowering behind the clouds every now and then  ). A person doesn't have to talk much in order to be friendly and kind. 
 
I'm assuming the "he" is the flower again. How can a flower be kind? Or how can a flower be kind to the snow? I feel like this idea needs to be explored more.
Here i'm refering to the snow - A fun fact is that a blanket of snow can help insulate plantlife against cold!
 
I am a bit confused here. What is the snow responding to? The tranquility? The wild stories? This needs to be clarified.
Is the repetition of "response" intentional? I don't quite understand its importance.
To the story, the repitition of 'response' wasn't intentional and i'll definitely get rid of that! Generally, i tried to convey that a fight erupted.

-Why is the wind searching for the flower? Doesn't it know the flower is dead?
At that moment it didn't know yet, or simply didn't want to know yet. One of the stages of mourning is denial, after all.
 
Stylistically, I like the repetition of these images. I just don't see the significance of the cobblestone bridges. I could be missing something though. It wouldn't be the first time.
When I think of an alpine/swiss landscape, there's always a cobblestone bridge hidden somewhere in that imagery

Thanks for replying, Richard, Eager and Szczepan!

[Flowerchild1093]

As the light breaks through the mountain ridges, If light is meant to symbolize a being, I feel it should just be "As light breaks".
it touches upon pastures and cobblestone bridges.
On top of the summit, tall it would tower,
there where once bloomed a lovely flower. I feel like there need to be a few extra syllables at the beginning of this line to make it flow more naturally. Maybe "A place where once there bloomed a lovely flower"?
 
He had no kin of his own, for those were with the trees down below. It seems to me that this line should be cut down a bit. "All his kin swayed with the trees down below"?
Solely accompanied by the light, wind, and the snow. I agree with the previous poster who suggested rearranging 'solely' and 'accompanied', it does seem to me that it would give 'solely' a more fitting emphasis.
The light didn’t engage in conversation and was rather taciturn,
save it for a morning greeting, and a moonlit return.
 
The snow would often mutter and grind,
but unlike the trees would think, he was warm and kind. I would suggest changing 'he' to something like 'his touch' to express the meaning more accurately.
The most loquacious of them all, was without a doubt the wind;
which told stories so wild, the flower couldn’t have ever imagined. I feel like it flows more as "could never have imagined".
 
Thus their lives were composed of tranquility and bliss,
until one day however, something was quite amiss.
When the snow croaked out a response to which the wind did not take heart. Maybe "let out a croak"?
Enraged, he stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart.
 
In response the snow started to rumble and tear,
the avalanche dragging the flower down, in utter despair. For me the comma in this line doesn't fit.
After the wind bore witness to the passing of her friend,
Tears of bitter grief would violently descend. Love this imagery.
 
The rain would melt the snow, and the clouds would block out the light; "block the light" or "block out light"? I'd say probably the latter just because there's alot of use of 'the' in this line.
a thundering roar would erupt as a result of her now lonesome fright.

There in the mountains, where the wind still howls out in search:
"Dear trees, have you perhaps seen my flower, and what of the snow?" "What has become of the snow"? 
"I think the flower got lost in that fateful storm, said the birch." "was lost to"? Got lost seems more like misplaced or wandering than the type of loss that comes with death.
"And your other friend", spoke the oak, "was drowned in your sorrow".                                (i know this line is a bit quirky) "your own sorrow"?
 
The wind could not help but continue to grief, Grieve?
but fortunately the light was there to console and relief. Relieve?
As the light pierced through her clouds on the mountain ridges, "the clouds"? 'Her' just doesn't seem to fit the theme with the use of male pronouns, no female has been mentioned thus far, but I perhaps could be missing something here.
Upon those now distant pastures and cobblestone bridges.

I love this piece! The imagery is really strong and in my opinion it conveys your point quite well, I just think it needs some minor work. I've left a few notes above ^^^ with some suggestions. All in all, lovely!

[joecarey123]

Hiya Cat,

I think this is a really emotive and imaginative poem, which has no problem conveying images into the mind and that 'fairy-tale' feeling. The repetition in the final couplet adds to this. 

This may be a personal preference of mine, but if I were you I would take some of the syllables out of some lines - at times, for me, it read a little bit 'clunky'. For example, here:

"In response the snow started to rumble and tear,
the avalanche dragging the flower down, in utter despair."

and 

"When the snow croaked out a response to which the wind did not take heart. Maybe "let out a croak"?
Enraged, he stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart."

The personification, especially with the conversation between the trees, is lovely. However, the final stanza, with the return of the "light", feels a bit rushed, when set beside the powerful, negative language used above. Could you go into more detail about this return? It just doesn't match the emotion of the rest of the poem, in my opinion. 

I almost feel like the whole poem would be even further improved by you speaking it - maybe this is one to be listened to, rather than read. 

Keep writing. 

Joe 

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Thanks for both your replies Flower and Joe!

I've applied some minor changes to the first stanza and more - I've realized that I described the clouds/winds as a 'He', while in fact i meant its hould be a 'She'.
I've also changed utter into 'A fit of', and changed the words around croaking.

Thanks again!