The light

[spiritthebrave]

I see a fire
warm and bright
welcome me
from dark of night

The path before me 
now seems clear
and with the clarity
comes great fear

The monsters
they have been revealed
it seems that my fate
is now sealed

Perhaps a battle 
will breakout
he'll break my leg
I'll swipe his snout

Perhaps quick death
will be my fate
quite gory
he won't hesitate

I'm bathed in fear
I'm numb with fright
The end is near
I see the light

And damn you light
you've caused this all
your luring draw
has been my fall

[fluorescent.43]

I see a fire
warm and bright i think you could find better words to describe a fire.
welcome me i see a fire welcoming
from dark of night

The path before me 
now seems clear
and with the clarity this line seems redundant.
comes great fear

The monsters
they have been revealed don't need 'they'.
it seems that my fate
is now sealed

Perhaps a battle 
will breakout space between 'break' and 'out'.
he'll break my leg
I'll swipe his snout not human, huh?

Perhaps quick death
will be my fate
quite gory
he won't hesitate these last two lines are like stranded islands... no connection to the other lines.

I'm bathed in fear
I'm numb with fright
The end is near
I see the light minor nitpick but the rhyme scheme in this stanza is different from all the rest.

And damn you light
you've caused this all
your luring draw
has been my fall

i think this poem makes heavy use of cliche- fire, that mythical light at the end of the tunnel, monsters- and would be much better if more unique insight or detail was added. everyone at some point in their lives is fearful, and everyone faces their monsters. what makes yours different? what about this light do i not know?

best of luck if you intend to edit hope this helps, if only slightly.

[CRNDLSM]

I see a fire
warm and bright
welcome me
from dark of night The dark? 

The path before me 
now seems clear
and with the clarity
comes great fear comes and great are weak words

The monsters
they have been revealed
it seems that my fate
is now sealed now again?

Perhaps a battle 
will breakout
he'll break my leg he'll the monsters?
I'll swipe his snout 

Perhaps quick death
will be my fate I thought fate was sealed
quite gory
he won't hesitate

I'm bathed in fear
I'm numb with fright
The end is near
I see the light you've seen the fire from the beginning warm? Bathed and numb, fear and fright

And damn you light
you've caused this all
your luring draw
has been my fall I think this stanza says everything your whole poem is trying to say, and should focus and work around it, pretty much scrapping the majority

[spiritthebrave]

i think this poem makes heavy use of cliche- fire, that mythical light at the end of the tunnel, monsters- and would be much better if more unique insight or detail was added. everyone at some point in their lives is fearful, and everyone faces their monsters. what makes yours different? what about this light do i not know?

best of luck if you intend to edit hope this helps, if only slightly.

What I was trying to get across was more of an "ignorance is bliss" theme, in a more imaginable way. The light that seems to make everything clearer (knowledge) is the very thing that illuminates all that is wrong. Do you see that at all? This is actually my 1st post, so all feedback is more then welcome!

[Richard]

Hey spiritthebrave,
Welcome to the site

This poem actually reminds of something I would have written about fifteen years ago. My biggest suggestion would be the think about revising this poem so it doesn't rhyme. I say this because in spots the rhymes feel a bit forced. I'll go into a bit more detail below:

I see a fire
warm and bright -Aren't all fires bright by definition? I get the feeling this word is just here so you could rhyme with it.
welcome me
from dark of night -Aren't most nights dark as well? Again, it feels like the word "night" is just here because it rhymes with "bright". 

The path before me 
now seems clear
and with the clarity
comes great fear -I like the last two lines of this stanza. I would suggest expanding on the idea that clarity leads to worse fear.

The monsters -"Monsters" is a bit vague. It would be more interesting if you described the monsters.
they have been revealed
it seems that my fate
is now sealed

Perhaps a battle 
will breakout
he'll break my leg
I'll swipe his snout

Perhaps quick death
will be my fate
quite gory
he won't hesitate

I'm bathed in fear
I'm numb with fright
The end is near
I see the light

And damn you light
you've caused this all
your luring draw
has been my fall -I really like this stanza. I think you either need to expand on it, or work on strengthening the connection between this and the other stanzas.

Overall, I think you have a good starting point with some of the ideas in this poem, and I look forward to seeing your next version of this poem.

Keep writing,
Richard

[ellajam]

Hi, spirit, welcome to the Pen.

So it seems to what you have here is broken couplets, I'll unbreak them to get a clearer look:

I see a fire warm and bright
welcome me from dark of night

The path before me now seems clear
and with the clarity comes great fear

The monsters they have been revealed
it seems that my fate is now sealed

Perhaps a battle will breakout
he'll break my leg I'll swipe his snout

Perhaps quick death will be my fate
quite gory he won't hesitate

I'm bathed in fear I'm numb with fright
The end is near I see the light

And damn you light you've caused this all
your luring draw has been my fall

You have a pretty good handle on the meter with some bumps here and there I'm sure could be easily smoothed out. Try reading it formatted like this and you'll probably be able to spot the bumps yourself.

I think full punctuation would suit this poem.

On to rhyme: I would suggest trying to stretch for more complex rhymes, aside from the use of snout they're all pretty common and IMO take away from the poem instead of adding to it.

As for meaning you could clarify a bit but I like the welcoming light becoming the enemy.

You have something to work with, looking forward to seeing where you decide to take this.

[TrashPanda333]

There's great imagery here, I love your use of metaphor equating the hardships of love to battle. I especially love the way you format your poem. I hate grammar and only use punctuation to add emphasis.

[JKBetts]

Spiritthebrave,

First let me say Wow....
Secondly, let me say that this is my second critique so don't sweat it. Also I am sorry if any of this is a repetition of other comments, couldn't read the other comments as they didn't display due to a "lack of intrest" error... anyway.
Third, and lastly, I thought that this poem had some great qualities and characteristics - such as;
Simplicity of;
                         '-> | Structure - the fact that you stuck to 4 line sets (stanzas?) for the poems' entirety -
                              | while maintaining captivating imagry - impressive. Hone this, it will be well worth it.
                         '-> | Timing - I am not going to break down the entire poem. I hope you tried for the timing
                              | of words, phrases and sets - because there is a great deal of potential in this 
                              | technique.

Your captivating use of imagery, story development, and depth absconded with my dissarmed mind into a labyrinth of thought. Again, a skill tree well worth tending and pruning.


Now the areas I feel you could improve on. I hope you take this as productively as I intend it.

The potholes of focusing on simplicity become deathtraps when the writer sacrifices depth of imagry for uninspiring words. Balance is key in everything, so I would err on the side of selecting asspects of the peice to be simplistic, and parts to be deeply involved. 

Other than that nothing jumps to mind.

Good luck and keep up the good work.