Crush on an Artistic Babe

[Szczepan]

She spoke in words like simile fests
and
Her sketches reminded me of Rorschach Tests
I was entranced and a little hornswoggled
Mainly self-inflicted
but
hopelessly mind boggled.
 
Emotions bottled up, things bottomed out
This expression thing. What’s it about?
So
my own cacophonies, I screeched
Finger paintings, I bleached
Still
I’m in other ways frustrated
with what I have created.

[vagabond]

She spoke in words like simile fests
Her sketches reminded me of Rorschach Tests
hence
I was entranced
and a little hornswoggled
but
Mainly self-inflicted
hopelessly mind boggled.                 is there a difference between boggled and mind boggled? (if not I´d leave "mind" out for sake of rhythm)



Emotions bottled up, things bottomed out
This expression thing. What’s it about?
So
my own cacophonies, I screeched     
Finger paintings, I bleached                why bleached ? maybe something more dramatic/ shrill
Still
I’m in other ways frustrated
with what I have created.          

somehow I like this "and", "but", "so", "still" between the longer lines.
I´d think it would be nice when the one-word-lines each separated two longer lines. please forgive me for playing that thought on your poem

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Love the poem! While it clearly aims at portraying infatuation and the prudish clumsiness sometimes included with that, i feel it does have a deeper meaning - laid open by the second stanza.

She spoke in words like simile fests
and
Her sketches reminded me of Rorschach Tests                                        Love the rhyme here, Personally i'd describe the words you mentioned in the prev. line as                
I was entranced and a little hornswoggled                             Rorschach test, but that's just personal taste!
Mainly self-inflicted
but
hopelessly mind boggled.
 
Emotions bottled up, things bottomed out                            Love the flow in this sentence, especially bottled up / bottomed out
This expression thing. What’s it about?
So
my own cacophonies, I screeched
Finger paintings, I bleached
Still
I’m in other ways frustrated
with what I have created.

Thanks for sharing!

[Richard]

Hey Szczepan,
I like the idea behind this poem. However, I do have some suggestions below:

She spoke in words like simile fests -Is "simile fests" describing the way she talked or is it a word she used a lot? If it's the latter, I think you need to put some quotation marks around it.
and
Her sketches reminded me of Rorschach Tests
I was entranced and a little hornswoggled -Is the font change here intentional?
Mainly self-inflicted
but
hopelessly mind boggled.
 
Emotions bottled up, things bottomed out -"Emotions bottled up" isn't quite a cliche, but it's close. I would suggest saying it differently.
This expression thing. What’s it about?
So
my own cacophonies, I screeched
Finger paintings, I bleached -I like the images in this and the previous line. I would suggest expanding on them because I would be interested in seeing where you would end up.
Still
I’m in other ways frustrated
with what I have created.

Overall, I think you have a nice start here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

[Chorus]

She spoke in words like simile fests
and
Her sketches reminded me of Rorschach Tests
I was entranced and a little hornswoggled
Mainly self-inflicted
but
hopelessly mind boggled.
 
Emotions bottled up, things bottomed out
This expression thing. What’s it about?
So
my own cacophonies, I screeched
Finger paintings, I bleached
Still
I’m in other ways frustrated
with what I have created.

The message I took away from this is that while you are in love with this person, she has opened you up to artistic ideas which you don't understand or that you repress, which angers you. 

The only thing I really didn't like in this was the word "hornswoggled". It reminds me of slang from the 1600's, doesn't fit with the poem, and sounds absolutely ridiculous. Ridiculous is not bad, but the tone of this poem is not "ridiculous".

[ellajam]

Hi, there's a lot I like here and some irksome bugs. First: and/but/so/still. You have me reading aaaand/buuuuut/sooooo/stiiiiill and I can't figure out why. It gives the poem a rambling feel and pace that for me doesn't really suit the frustration. It makes me think the N is just bored with the whole situation, so then why isn't he just moving on? The other thing I can't understand is using capitalization in the middle of sentences instead of punctuation. Both these devices stand out as "different" but I can't figure out what they add to the poem. Maybe I'm slow but I've given the poem plenty of time to come together and it won't. Some notes:

She spoke in words like simile fests Strong opening, continues the title. Possible hyphen after simile. Also, made me think of smile-fest, which made me smile.
and
Her sketches reminded me of Rorschach Tests Why capitalize "her". Fun rhyme. Punctuation after tests.
I was entranced and a little hornswoggled
Mainly self-inflicted Why is Mainly capitalized? "situation (or something) self-inflicted" might be clearer..
but
hopelessly mind boggled. mind-boggled, again, fun rhyme.

Emotions bottled up, things bottomed out fun line, etc on the caps vs punctuation thing.
This expression thing. What’s it about?
So
my own cacophonies, I screeched
Finger paintings, I bleached bleached is forced, how do fingerpaints bleach except with time and that doesn't suit the immediacy of this poem. I'd find another pair.
Still
I’m in other ways frustrated "other ways" too vague, just say it.
with what I have created.

So, this may be a bit much for the Basic workshop but your consistency shows you've made your choices carefully, I'd just like you to reconsider those choices for this poem. Thanks for the read, I like the dilemma, the way you've portrayed it and the language of the poem.

[Voodoogirl]

Okay this is my first critique so I apologize before hand if I am clumsy about it. I really like the idea behind this that I interpreted. Being befuddled by an artist and infatuation for them is familiar to me. I am not sure I understand the first line but I did understand the rest, or at least I think do. I would possibly rethink the "hornswoggled" line and maybe "mind boggled" as well as they feel a bit forced, though I understand the need to use ridiculous words because the feeling behind the poem seems to be a feeling of ridiculousness that being infatuated with an artist can sometimes give one. So yeah hope I did this right, cheers!

[nibbed]

Hi szczepan, I haven't seen you 'round in a few days
or I've missed you in another forum. Interesting poem.


She spoke in words like simile fests
and
Her sketches reminded me of Rorschach Tests
I was entranced and a little hornswoggled              I had to get the dictionary for that cool word.
Mainly self-inflicted                                               the speaker "got the better" of himself?
but                                                                     not sure these single words should be so lonely
hopelessly mind boggled.
 
Emotions bottled up, things bottomed out               
This expression thing. What’s it about?
So                                                                      another lonely word needs to be with friends
my own cacophonies, I screeched
Finger paintings, I bleached                                 
Still                                                                     whoops
I’m in other ways frustrated
with what I have created.


the amazing thing about the poem, is I felt an incredible
sense of rush or hyper-thought, and I am almost certain
that was deliberate. This is kind of a love poem, that needs
direction or maybe more background. Have a wonderful night.

janine