The Contrary Spirit

[Szczepan]

Crashed his hearse
     on a one-way cul de sac
Survived his widow
     and he then drove back
His ghostwritten prose,
     all autobiographies …
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose
     with false tautologies
Consistency, veracity
     with him had died
He’d only be truthful
     when he said that he lied

[CRNDLSM]

Crashed his hearse
     on a one-way cul de sac one way like a roundabout? I thought cul de sacs dead end, hence the crash, into a house I assume
Survived his widow
     and he then drove back but it wasn't his hearse that took him to the funeral, which had to have  happened for his wife to even think she's a widow?
His ghostwritten prose,
     all autobiographies … nice, someone else writing his 'autobiographies' 
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose
     with false tautologies tautologies are consistent or they wouldn't be tautological, this poem is tautological in the repetition of lies he died he didn't die, a 
Consistency, veracity
     with him had died
He’d only be truthful
     when he said that he lied if you are truly a liar at heart then telling the truth would be like lying to oneself right? So he had to lie to tell the truth.  I like how I've interpreted it even if it sounds rambling, not sure what you we re going for cause the poem sounded rambling, a little.

[nibbed]

Hi Szczepan, I will attempt a critique here.



Crashed his hearse                                          "he lived", that's really good
     on a one-way cul de sac                              good metaphor for going in circles
Survived his widow                                           again, he lives
     and he then drove back                               maybe not "drove" since he crashed his hearse?
His ghostwritten prose,                                     I was thinking a woman writing as a man or vice versa
     all autobiographies …                                  
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose                                made someone more truthful?
     with false tautologies                                   
Consistency, veracity                                        
     with him had died                                        he gave up, contrary spirits are often like vapors
He’d only be truthful                                          but sadly sometimes they can linger and cause a lot of trouble
     when he said that he lied                              this could be a changing end, I like hope



Good rhyme and interesting read.
The poem was true as a whole
and fit well with the title, yes, contrary spirit.
The form was good, too.
I apologize for the weird change in fonts,
it's getting late here.
I hope your evening/day is wonderful!

[Richard]

Hey Szczepan,
I like your use of paradox and contradictions in this poem. My biggest suggestion would have to do with your structure and rhyming, but I'll explain more below:

Crashed his hearse -This first four lines gave me the mental image of a joyriding hearse driver. I like this image for some reason.
     on a one-way cul de sac
Survived his widow
     and he then drove back
His ghostwritten prose, -I would start a new stanza here. By having this as one stanza I get the impression the he/his in this poem is the same person, but I think it work better if you you broke this into stanzas. That way the he/his could be different people who are united by their contrary spirit.
     all autobiographies …
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose
     with false tautologies -I like this and the previous line. I think the idea a ghost writer and his contrary spirit could be a poem by itself.
Consistency, veracity
     with him had died
He’d only be truthful
     when he said that he lied -Whereas the first two parts are more specific about who it is about (a widow and a writer), this seems a bit vague to me. May be think of who would only be truthful when they lie and add it, so that you can end on a stronger image.

Lastly, I need to comment on the rhyming. You're using short lines, which usually implies a comedic or light tone when rhyming. This poem does not have that sort of tone, so I would suggest making your lines longer by combining them. This would shorten your poem, making each stanza a couplet, but I think it would strengthen the tone and the rhyme. Overall, I think this poem has some real promise, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

[FountainPen97]

Hi there Szczepan (wow, cool username btw)
This poem felt a little bit like a rollercoaster, and I loved the rhyming structure, simplistic but purposeful! It almost could be made into a song, the musician in me was attempting to sing it as I was reading! XD. I will attempt to post some small bits of critique, thank you for sharing this poem with us!

Crashed his hearse 
     on a one-way cul de sac      ha, I live in a cul-de-sac so I visualized home when you mentioned this phrase, I like how you used this
Survived his widow                  well, I was not sure whether he was alive or not, but this confirmed it. 
     and he then drove back
His ghostwritten prose,             I like this use of "ghostwritten", as writers often use a nom-de-plume or nom-de-guerre when publishing.
     all autobiographies …
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose        
     with false tautologies            had to look up tautologies, what a neat use of a word that implies rhyming in a poem 
Consistency, veracity               I think you really accurately brought to life your poem's title in these four lines here! The writer as the subject as a spirit 
     with him had died                who might be alive or dead who wrote in such a manner seems a sign of some ways of how people become two people
He’d only be truthful                  one lier, one truth teller, twisting the truth in writing.
     when he said that he lied


Really enjoyed this poem, it coincidentally tied into a chapter I just read in a class called Creative Nonfiction Writing about ethics. One thing I am not too terribly sure about are the use of ellipsis after autobiographies and before tweak'd. Thanks for sharing with us!

[Wonderfullife]

I like the way the poem flows and, as a previous person wrote, I too found myself trying to fit it into a song, or ballad.
The poem says almost nothing about ‘he’ and reading it makes me curious about who ‘he’ is. Is he a widower who re-married? Perhaps a prolific writer? Someone for whom the word ‘truth’ does not seem to mean a lot. Did it ever land him in serious trouble?
It might have been a good idea to work some of this information into the poem..
Enjoyed it.
Crashed his hearse
on a one-way cul de sac….Would have been funny, but for subject matter.
Survived his widow
and he then drove back
His ghostwritten prose,
all autobiographies …
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose ..nice metaphor
with false tautologies
Consistency, veracity
with him had died
He’d only be truthful
when he said that he lied/

[annikajprice]

Crashed his hearse
     on a one-way cul de sac why specifically one-way? what role does that play for the narrator?
Survived his widow
     and he then drove back he couldn't have driven back if he crashed his hearse… need context here
His ghostwritten prose,
     all autobiographies …
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose
     with false tautologies
Consistency, veracity
     with him had died
He’d only be truthful
     when he said that he lied

[Radetof.Yahska]

Hey,

This feels like the poetic equivalent of a rebel-without-a-cause eulogizing a hack writer. That being said, I think it's pretty cool, and could really be something with some more work.

Crashed his hearse
     on a one-way cul de sac                                 Aren't all cul-de-sacs one-way? Why mention it?
Survived his widow                          
     and he then drove back                                  Not a fan of this and the preceding line. Feels clunky, and no sense of time, but the idea is good.
His ghostwritten prose,
     all autobiographies …                                     
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose                                   tweak'd seems forced
     with false tautologies                                      A clever oxymoron there
Consistency, veracity
     with him had died
He’d only be truthful
     when he said that he lied                                While slightly cliched, is still a good way to end. Maybe reconstruct this?

The poem has a whimsical feel at the beginning, which morphs into something more dark and mean with the "... tweak'd" line. Liked the idea, stayed true to the title. Just some more spit and shine needed.

[Szczepan]

Crashed his hearse
     on a one-way cul de sac                                 Aren't all cul-de-sacs one-way? Why mention it?
Survived his widow                          
    and he then drove back                                  Not a fan of this and the preceding line. Feels clunky, and no sense of time, but the




....
The poem has a whimsical feel at the beginning, which morphs into something more dark

Well, No. cul-de-sacs are never one-way.  
At least, I've never seem a one-way sign on a dead-end street! (If there were, how would you get back out?)
Indicates a place you can never leave  ... (metaphor intended) *

... nor can anyone survive his widow ! 

(... nor can anyone drive back from a place you can never leave.)

These passages (at least, as I saw things) were intended to add to the contrariness of the spirit.

Still working on some brush ups. Been kinda busy.

* although I just googled - almost all definitions say that it's a road with only one connection in or out ...but ...apparently in some parts of the world it could have a turn-around circle (which, I guess, means a small part of it is one-way). But, essentially, a cul de sac is basically synonymous with dead-end, no?

Btw, I took out a couple of lines that I considered too dark. Wasn't really going for Dark or even Dark Humor. Dark Whimsy is exactly the words that I had in my head as I finished off the penultimate touches. Odd that you should mention.

Thanks all for the feedback.

[ellajam]

Hi, Sz, I've read this many times and previously just enjoyed the bounce of contradictions within each line but it always had the air of lightness and nonsense to me. Not today, , today it all fits together perfectly and I can really enjoy it, dark as it is. The opening spins in place, the poem recklessly knocking off personalities leaving only our driver, supposedly exiting, but really still spinning on the axis of his only truth. Well done.

Crashed his hearse
on a one-way cul de sac
Survived his widow
and he then drove back
His ghostwritten prose,
all autobiographies …
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose
with false tautologies
Consistency, veracity
with him had died
He’d only be truthful
when he said that he lied

[Jana]

Crashed his hearse 
     on a one-way cul de sac - 

Here all cul de sacs are one-way dead-end circles that we drive along the right-hand side of the street. I love the imagery even more when hearing that the intended vision was a dead-end street that's one-way. How does one leave a dead-end one-way street?

Survived his widow  - 
     and he then drove back - 

Was he carrying his widow, or did she die in the crash? And if he drove back, he went the wrong way on the one-way cul de sac, emphasizing his contrariness.

His ghostwritten prose, 
     all autobiographies …
… tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose 
     with false tautologies - 

Very clever. Tricky digesting this one. I, too, had to look up tautology, and love the oxymoron, the ghostwritten autobiographies. I'm assuming he's writing about himself, but telling fish tales about his life presenting it as that of another?

Consistency, veracity
     with him had died
He’d only be truthful 
     when he said that he lied

I'm not sure about him having died. Is that part of the contrariness? This is where it spins on its head because up to this point I read him as alive. A living person can have a contrary spirit as well as a ghost. Overall, a truly engaging and clever bit of writing. Nicely done.

[Szczepan]

Thanks, everyone for the replies!

Been thinking about this one and how to improve it. And I am tempted to leave it be.
It's not that it's perfect; it's just that I don't know how to make it better.

I thought about Richard's comments on the short lines / long lines and was toying with going with long lines.
Then, since our Spirit is contrary, I was thinking of going with a mixture of both. But ... that struck me as hokey.

SPOILERS (for those who have not commented yet)

The 2 key lines that I'd do something with if I could are:
(1) "tweak’d Pinocchio’s nose" ~ when I say this out loud, I have a hard time getting out all of the syllables to "Pinocchio"
(2) "with him had died" ~ I want this to ambiguous. Did his "Consistency, veracity" within him die while he still lived?
or....did it die when he did?  I played around with other words replacing "with" and then gave up.

Any suggestions welcome!

[AmiL0wHi]

Consistency, veracity
with him had died
He’d only be truthful
when he said that he lied

I read it backwards after reading it forwards because the ending was the best part. For some reason it made more sense to me this way. Either way it feels like it is missing 'something' which might be a part of your purpose; so do not add to it. The idea of a ghost around his widow without her knowing and her twiddling with his work is very allusionary and what comes to my mind when I read this. I hope I am not being presumptuous. I have a suggestion for Pinocchio's nose so PM me because I'm too embarrassed to tell it to everyone and fear my critique being deleted as garbage.

[AmiL0wHi]

P.S. I read it backwards because it built up to the death. Sorry for being unclear. But either way building up to a liar and the last few lines are epic still.