When I carried you I felt like a mountain;
immovable skin on my belly, hot
radiating out from a center
mangled star.
I studied the violence to steel
for each tremor’s eruption,
but it was a lazy birth, and rebirth,
primary succession by countless ordinary cuts.
Then there you were: yawning screaming
Holy flesh laid in my arms for
a lifetime of tender reflection.
Oh, child, ever after has days –
I watch, catch your first tumbling steps,
pondering lessons of my own
mother’s explosions.
I hear you rightfully sing of lush villages
overgrown with long futures,
and an indelible ingestible past
I didn’t know. I feel
the rough seeds I cradle
in my soft center, shake
for mountain’s burning ash, yet,
before your round eyes
how could I
imagine myself a mountain
When I carried you I felt like a mountain;
immovable skin on my belly, hot
radiating out from a center
mangled star, proving daily
my body and perception
were changed.
I studied the violence to steel
for each tremor’s eruption,
but it was a lazy birth, and rebirth,
primary succession by countless ordinary cuts.
Then there you were: yawning screaming
Holy flesh laid in my arms for
a lifetime of tender reflection.
Now child, that lifetime has days;
I watch your first rumbling steps
pondering lessons I learned
and never did. My soft center shakes
and turns to mountain’s ash; before
your round eyes, how could I imagine
myself a mountain? You sing of,
and belong to, lush villages
populated with long futures,
and an indelible ingestible past.
I stand to shape the ash,
clod on, lovingly
planting seeds.
Primary succession is a scientific term about the re-emergence of plant life after it is wiped out (from something like a volcanic eruption, for example). Wiki for the curious https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_succession.
without the info, i thought it was the mountain coming back to life. i found the poem hard to get to grips with. too hard to be able to do a full and warranted piece of feedback on. it feels original, i feel i should be able to grasp it but i'm really struggling. for me it needs to be tied togther with a few more clear images. hopefully someone else can give you better feedback. welcome to the site.
(05-23-2017, 11:57 AM)thegaslights Wrote: When I carried you I felt like a mountain;
immovable skin on my belly, hot
radiating out from a center
mangled star, proving daily
my body and perception
were changed.
I studied the violence to steel
for each tremor’s eruption,
but it was a lazy birth, and rebirth,
primary succession by countless ordinary cuts.
Then there you were: yawning screaming
Holy flesh laid in my arms for
a lifetime of tender reflection.
Now, that lifetime has days,
with thoughts of teaching
that which I do not
yet know. My soft center shakes
and turns to mountain’s ash; before
your round eyes, how could I imagine
myself a mountain? You sing of,
and belong to, lush villages
populated with long futures,
and an indelible ingestible past.
I stand to shape the ash,
clod on, lovingly
planting seeds.
Primary succession is a scientific term about the re-emergence of plant life after it is wiped out (from something like a volcanic eruption, for example). Wiki for the curious https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_succession. Mods, please feel free to move the post if it's not the best idea to jump right into workshopping for my first post... I think I understand the difference in forums, and I am interested in detailed feedback and look at it as an opportunity to learn. That said, I am learning, and if moving it is a kindness, I will take it as such! Thanks all for the read, interested in your thoughts
(05-23-2017, 08:11 PM)billy Wrote: without the info, i thought it was the mountain coming back to life. i found the poem hard to get to grips with. too hard to be able to do a full and warranted piece of feedback on. it feels original, i feel i should be able to grasp it but i'm really struggling. for me it needs to be tied togther with a few more clear images. hopefully someone else can give you better feedback. welcome to the site.
Thanks Billy. I threw in a minor edit - not sure if I should mark it as edited? I'm going to continue to think on how I can make it more clear.
(05-23-2017, 08:11 PM)billy Wrote: without the info, i thought it was the mountain coming back to life. i found the poem hard to get to grips with. too hard to be able to do a full and warranted piece of feedback on. it feels original, i feel i should be able to grasp it but i'm really struggling. for me it needs to be tied togther with a few more clear images. hopefully someone else can give you better feedback. welcome to the site.
Thanks Billy. I threw in a minor edit - not sure if I should mark it as edited? I'm going to continue to think on how I can make it more clear.
normally we keep the original and post the edit above it;marking it which ever edit it is
05-24-2017, 12:52 AM (This post was last modified: 05-24-2017, 12:52 AM by Todd.)
Hi, let me give some comments on your poem.
Succession is a versatile title. It carries both the idea of your metaphor and what the metaphor represents.
(05-23-2017, 11:57 AM)thegaslights Wrote: When I carried you I felt like a mountain;
immovable skin on my belly, hot
radiating out from a center
mangled star, proving daily
my body and perception
were changed.
This opening works well. It's one of the better parts of the poem. You blend from the first line the idea of pregnancy into your guiding imagery. I like the way you build on the idea line-by-line. We could think how is the speaker like a mountain and line two provides the answer in the "immovable skin on my belly". That's just excellent. It establishes the point of pregnancy and then ironically casts the experience as something immovable--when that's mostly an illusion, or at the least, it relies too much on what one can see on the surface. Good line break on hot. Now we get the sense that this might be a volcanic vent to the surface. I love how you captured the heat of carrying a baby and then compared it to the molten core of the Earth. Mangled star makes me think of something that isn't radiating heat in all directions but is instead going in one direction. This ties in well with birth. If there's any area where the poem slips for me personally, it is where you turn toward internal reflection. Those parts feel a bit tacked on to me and distracting. As issues go, I don't have a severe problem with this but it is still there. I think you could possibly cut everything after star on not lose anything crucial.
I studied the violence to steel
for each tremor’s eruption,
but it was a lazy birth, and rebirth,
primary succession by countless ordinary cuts.
Then there you were: yawning screaming
Holy flesh laid in my arms for
a lifetime of tender reflection.
Good progression of volcanic eruption as birth and tremors as labor pains. I took birth and rebirth to mean the birth of child and the rebirth of the mother (more as she was before though changed). I like the contrast you use. This is a natural process (countless ordinary cuts) yet this is also Holy flesh. Again, I think leaving the idea at the experience would be better. I would consider ending this section with "lifetime". If you weren't linking lifetime into the next strophe I would have suggested ending the section on "arms".
Now child, that lifetime has days;
I watch your first rumbling steps
pondering lessons I learned
and never did. My soft center shakes
and turns to mountain’s ash; before
your round eyes, how could I imagine
myself a mountain? You sing of,
and belong to, lush villages
populated with long futures,
and an indelible ingestible past.
I stand to shape the ash,
clod on, lovingly
planting seeds.
I realize these cuts I'm suggesting are largely subjective and revolve around style choices. Here I would cut "pondering lessons I learned and never did." I really like how evocative the following phrasing is:
...My soft center shakes and turns to mountain’s ash; before your round eyes,
I don't often want to end a poem on a question but I like the symmetry of possibly moving "how could I imagine myself a mountain?" to the conclusion. Possibly reworked as a statement instead of a question. This is just an option. Your current ending isn't bad. I'm not a fan of the compound "you sing of AND belong to" I'd just choose one or the other and commit to it. I like the phrasing of long futures and the sonics of indelible ingestible. I like clod on and have no issue with lovingly (though it is something I would normally think to cut--as it's less show and tends to be slightly bolted on). I can accept it though in small one word doses.
I think you have something nice started here. I hope the comments are helpful.
Hi, welcome to the Pen. I usually like to give a poem more time before posting but I read billy's comment and your response that you're already editing so I'll give it a try.. I have not read the spoiler, it's hard to resist but usually best to let the poem speak for itself, IMO.
(05-23-2017, 11:57 AM)thegaslights Wrote: When I carried you I felt like a mountain; My first image was one of becoming the mountain while carrying someone, but L2 clarified beautifully. I like this as an opener.
immovable skin on my belly, hot Now I've got a woman in late stage pregnacy who feels huge, stretched tight and rock hard. I'm not sure you gain by hot vs heat or some other word.
radiating out from a center
mangled star, proving daily I love the mangled star, I'm not sure you need Proving...changed, it's sort of tell-y, maybe another way to say it.
my body and perception
were changed.
I studied the violence to steel
for each tremor’s eruption, These lines are strong and lead in well to the uselessness of preparation sometimes.
but it was a lazy birth, and rebirth,
primary succession by countless ordinary cuts. So I read this as C-Section but said in a confusing way, I don't get countless so maybe my whole reading is off, but it's what I've got.
Then there you were: yawning screaming
Holy flesh laid in my arms for
a lifetime of tender reflection. Lovely.
Now child, that lifetime has days; Still unsure about "lifetime has days", why wouldn't it?
I watch your first rumbling steps
pondering lessons I learned
and never did. My soft center shakes I haven't come to terms with these lines yet, rumbling seems wrong, learned but never did seems wrong, maybe I need more time. I love "my soft center shakes", it shows the transition well and is fun to say and think about.
and turns to mountain’s ash; before mountain's ash makes me think of the tree, but then no "'s", so I'm not sure what to think of ash, its emptiness is nice but mountain are rock, they don't turn to ash, that I know of. I don't get the break on before.
your round eyes, how could I imagine I like the round eyes, I get youth.
myself a mountain? You sing of,
and belong to, lush villages
populated with long futures,
and an indelible ingestible past. Love this line.
I stand to shape the ash,
clod on, lovingly
planting seeds. meh ending for me.
Primary succession is a scientific term about the re-emergence of plant life after it is wiped out (from something like a volcanic eruption, for example). Wiki for the curious https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_succession. Mods, please feel free to move the post if it's not the best idea to jump right into workshopping for my first post... I think I understand the difference in forums, and I am interested in detailed feedback and look at it as an opportunity to learn. That said, I am learning, and if moving it is a kindness, I will take it as such! Thanks all for the read, interested in your thoughts
So that's what I have so far, hope it helps.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
sorry for being a putz, if i hadn't read your plant life spoiler i'd have got the poems full explanation. it's pointless me doing a crit now after what i've said as well as the crits given. i relied too much on the spoiler. my apologies.
hi gaslights!
I don´t have much formal critique, but still wanted you to know how your metaphors work for me.
succession When I carried you I felt like a mountain;
immovable skin on my belly, hot
radiating out from a center
mangled star, proving daily
my body and perception
were changed. like earth´s? I like your metaphors a lot and I think this first stanza is like the poem´s subject imagining earth´s perspective
I studied the violence to steel
for each tremor’s eruption,
but it was a lazy birth, and rebirth,
primary succession by countless ordinary cuts. here I´d see a metaphor for mankind changing earth
Then there you were: yawning screaming I´d see earth again with this metaphor
Holy flesh laid in my arms for
a lifetime of tender reflection.
Now, that lifetime has days,
with thoughts of teaching
that which I do not nice double meaning, could stand alone or belong to “yet know”.
yet know. My soft center shakes
and turns to mountain’s ash; before
your round eyes, how could I imagine a soothing thought (for earth)
myself a mountain? You sing of, I´d give the “you sing of” a new line, but that´s just me.
and belong to, lush villages
populated with long futures,
and an indelible ingestible past. maybe a comma after indelible, that´s all I´d find to change formally
I stand to shape the ash,
clod on, lovingly
planting seeds. on the great present she is.. I love this peaceful ending!
