The Young Queen (edit #1)

[worros]

Ekphrastic for creative writing

image

Edit #1

She was a stranger to hate,
Coddled since her dawn.
With her elegant gait,
She tread like a fawn.

Til' he reaches heaven's gate,
He is sworn to her side.
In a suit of steel plate,
He is her shield and her guide.

As the two entered town,
A crowd formed in question.
They shout and mock the crown,
And protest their oppression.

"What has them so hateful?"
The queen asked with dread.
"They are merely ungrateful."
Her guard simply said.

While the guard was distracted,
With the queen in his arms.
A young man had acted,
With intent to do harm.

The guard did not detect,
The man from the crowd.
When his blade met her neck
Her dress became her shroud.

The guard stood and stared,
For the young queen had died.
And as the people left the square,
The guard stayed and cried.


Original

She was a stranger to hate,
Coddled since her dawn.
With her elegant gait,
She walked with her brawn.

Til' the reaper calls his name,
He is sworn to her side.
For her death would be his blame,
Safety he would provide.

As the two entered town,
A crowd forms in protest.
They shout and mock the crown,
And quetch of being oppressed.

"Why is it me they resent?"
The queen thought audibly.
"They're only jealous that you're blest."
Her guard said deludingly

With the guard locked on her eyes,
A man emerged from the crowd.
Into her sides went two steel knives,
Her once blue dress became a dark red shroud.

The guard stood in shock,
For the young Queen was reaped.
Soon spread the flock,
And the guard sat in defeat.

[Achebe]

Ekphrastic for creative writing

image

She was a stranger to hate,
Coddled since her dawn.
With her elegant gait,
She walked with her brawn. .... a foot missing. And 'brawn' is an abstract noun. Its atypical use here only serves to make the rhyme sound more forced

Til' the reaper calls his name,
He is sworn to her side.
For her death would be his blame, .... 'for' suggests that because her death would be his blame, he is sworn to her side. That isn't quite right.
Safety he would provide. .... inverting the word order here again, serves only to make the rhyme look forced

As the two entered town, 
A crowd forms in protest. ... tense change
They shout and mock the crown, ...wait....she is royalty and can't afford to hire more than a single guard??
And quetch of being oppressed. ... are you sure the word can be used thus?

"Why is it me they resent?"
The queen thought audibly.
"They're only jealous that you're blest."
Her guard said deludingly

With the guard locked on her eyes,
A man emerged from the crowd.
Into her sides went two steel knives, ... random.
Her once blue dress became a dark red shroud.

The guard stood in shock, ...well, he was only one against an entire crowd, so what was he thinking?
For the young Queen was reaped.
Soon spread the flock, ...why?
And the guard sat in defeat.

For an ekphrastic, it might work better if you focus on the scene and forget about a longer narrative. Forget about the steel knives, for one.
Edit: to put it more bluntly, the rhymes are forced, the meter dodgy, and the narrative cartoonish.. It needs a complete rewrite.

[nibbed]

Hi, worros. Wow, I really liked your poem and the illustration was very sweet, too! It seemed very clean to me. Likely I cannot find a single flaw, but I will give it a gentle once over. Thank you for the read.



She was a stranger to hate,                                                        Wow, this first line can go two ways...clever
Coddled since her dawn.                                                              Coddled...Eggs, I don't know why I see eggs.
With her elegant gait,
She walked with her brawn.

Til' the reaper calls his name,
He is sworn to her side.
For her death would be his blame,
Safety he would provide.

As the two entered town,
A crowd forms in protest.
They shout and mock the crown,
And quetch of being oppressed.                                                   I like that word, that's a pretty cool word.

"Why is it me they resent?"
The queen thought audibly.
"They're only jealous that you're blest."
Her guard said deludingly                                                              Why would he want to fool someone he protects?

With the guard locked on her eyes,
A man emerged from the crowd.
Into her sides went two steel knives,                                             
Her once blue dress became a dark red shroud.                             Can't help but think it was a well planned attack...
                                                                                                     
The guard stood in shock,
For the young Queen was reaped.
Soon spread the flock,                                                                   
And the guard sat in defeat.                                                           



I really liked the read, and detected some wonderful metaphor.
Strangely, I don't think the guard failed at all.
I also liked the rhythm and the rhyme. You are wonderfully gifted.
I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.

[CRNDLSM]

Definitely some improvements on this edit, I like ekphrastic 

Ekphrastic for creative writing

image

Edit #1

She was a stranger to hate,
Coddled since her dawn.
With her elegant gait,
She tread like a fawn. Good rhythm  and flow

Til' he reaches heaven's gate,
He is sworn to her side.
In a suit of steel plate,
He is her shield and her guide. I'd cut the second her here

As the two entered town,
A crowd formed in question. Do crowds form in question? I like the rhyme but preferred the originals but not 'in protest' but 'to protest' because they knew why they were there?  But oppressed was a little forced as a rhyme while the last line of this stanza I think sounds really nice.  But to say the crowd formed 'to question' is also a little obvious.
They shout and mock the crown,
And protest their oppression.

"What has them so hateful?"
The queen asked with dread.
"They are merely ungrateful."
Her guard simply said. This line is filler because if you replaced this line with anything, the quote before would have been said simply

While the guard was distracted,
With the queen in his arms.
A young man had acted,
With intent to do harm.

The guard did not detect,
The man from the crowd. These two lines were explained clearly in the previous stanza, can you combine these two stanzas or add anything new?
When his blade met her neck
Her dress became her shroud.

The guard stood and stared,
For the young queen had died.
And as the people left the square,do they just show up and leave like that when their queen was murdered? Would that there be a little more chaos? How long did people stick around anyways after, it sounds like too horrific an act for the current aftermath.  Just the guard, with the body? Or does he keep staying there?
The guard stayed and cried.

Hope I helped!

Original

She was a stranger to hate,
Coddled since her dawn.
With her elegant gait,
She walked with her brawn.

Til' the reaper calls his name,
He is sworn to her side.
For her death would be his blame,
Safety he would provide.

As the two entered town,
A crowd forms in protest.
They shout and mock the crown,
And quetch of being oppressed.

"Why is it me they resent?"
The queen thought audibly.
"They're only jealous that you're blest."
Her guard said deludingly

With the guard locked on her eyes,
A man emerged from the crowd.
Into her sides went two steel knives,
Her once blue dress became a dark red shroud.

The guard stood in shock,
For the young Queen was reaped.
Soon spread the flock,
And the guard sat in defeat.