Aubade for the Bipolar

[Todd]

The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees,
and the soft steps of pollened feet,

as black separates from white.

The sun is a bronze chime
and half the bed shivers.

In the copper glow,
the dew on the leaf 

is a dappled darkness.

[Leanne]

The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees, -- the sounds, the intense movement, the excitement -- yes!
and the soft steps of pollened feet,

as black separates from white. -- I like this idea but I don't think the image is strong enough.  Some personification perhaps?  Like black stepping out of white or something.

The sun is a bronze chime
and half the bed shivers. -- shivers gives the vibration sense but I'd really like something that was both movement and sound here

In the copper glow,
the dew on the leaf 

is a dappled darkness. -- this is gorgeous, like a negative rainbow.

[Donald Q.]

The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees,
and the soft steps of pollened feet, these two lines are really great

as black separates from white. Not sure about this, perhaps it's because I have the black and yellow in mind instead from bees... but this line gives me less than those preceeding it.

The sun is a bronze chime simple and very effective
and half the bed shivers. This is intriguing and nice, not sure about 'and' though, minor reservations about it.

In the copper glow,
the dew on the leaf these two lines are decent but not quite as powerful as the rest.

is a dappled darkness. Like it but don't think it's set up quite right from previous two lines

Really nice Todd, those first two lines are so great and it feels like the rest is close to being sorted. Strong work, keen to see the edit.

[Achebe]

The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees,
and the soft steps of pollened feet,

as black separates from white. ....while this line is plain in itself, it's brilliant where it is 

The sun is a bronze chime ... i would prefer "brass" for verisimilitude but it's an ugly word. However, a bronze chime cannot give off a copper light as bronze is darker. 

and half the bed shivers.

In the copper glow,
the dew on the leaf 

is a dappled darkness.   .... although I love this last line, I can help but doubt whether dew can be a dappled darkness. "The dewy leaf / casts a dappled darkness", for instance, would be easier to explain. But "dewy" is cliched

Great mood poem

[Vanity]

UM...*eyes roll back* I fucking looooove the first two lines. soooo very nice.

I would only ask you to tweak the very last line....not sure what to suggest even, has to come from you.

For me, this is a gem.

just play with the last line...maybe add one more line...something to rival the 'oomph' power of your opening

(-; Vanity

[RiverNotch]

Mostly picks and nits. Overall a great piece, and there's not much to say about that that hasn't already been said.
The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees,
and the soft steps of pollened feet,is it possible to better attach this clause to bees? "the morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees, the soft steps of pollened feet, as black separates from white."

as black separates from white.i agree with most of the earlier in that this could do with some vivifying.

The sun is a bronze chime somehow i sort of like the sound of brass, or at least it would be decent -- it might work better, image-wise.
and half the bed shivers.although that sense of the tertiary and late February afternoons does make "bronze" work a bit more, especially since it's here that the bipolar does creep in. i like shivering beds.

In the copper glow, but again, this may not work with bronze --- and the fact that i associated the afternoon with a morningsong may not be what's desired. that, or it's been too long since i've last seen a sunrise. but then by what i remember as well, the copper normally comes before the bronze, or the brass, or the gold. 
the dew on the leaf 

is a dappled darkness.

[Todd]

Hello all, I appreciate the many critiques. I'm going back and forth now with some ideas that range from slight alterations to something more radical. Though most of them are just exploring some of the points many of you raise. Let me highlight a bit my big takeaways from what you've all given to me.

Leanne: I get the sense that you think the poem would be helped by more extremes of motion and sound. If this were acting it would like saying commit to the scene don't be too reserved.

Donald: You seem to be seeing an unevenness in the power of the lines. Which goes back to my view that every line should be your best line--and while that isn't practical because they're holistically connected I can see your point.

Achebe: You're an outlier on the black/white line. You introduce some interesting ideas about metal. I've noticed from your critiques that have a strong grounding in the natural world empirically asking would something look or act this way. That's good for me because I tend to use the imagery as a scaffold for the themes or metaphor and I give little consideration to the internal logic of it all. So, its a nice counterbalance to me.

Vanity: You seem to be saying that the ending needs more punch (uneven with the beginning).

RiverNotch: You provide some slight adjustment suggestions, you're another voice adding some power to line three, and you provide some interesting insight on metal and light.

So, Wow! A lot to think about and experiment with.

Thank you! I realize it's a pretty short poem but you all gave me a lot to work with.

Best,

Todd

[Donald Q.]

Donald: You seem to be seeing an unevenness in the power of the lines. Which goes back to my view that every line should be your best line--and while that isn't practical because they're holistically connected I can see your point.

It's probably just the online format which makes me focus on line-by-line judgement, possibly too much at times... It's important to remember the holistic aspect of the whole poem as you rightly point out. Thanks for keeping me on my toes with my feedback. I miss doing it with pen and paper now!

[Leanne]

Yes, full commitment -- I've never known bipolarity to be something of half measures and maybes. There is much to be said for subtlety, but I do believe you are a skilled enough poet to subtly suggest these extremes.

[underthewronghat]

Todd,

At first, I loved the marriage of Rachmaninoff and bees.  Until I remembered (vis-a-vis the movie "Shine") that Rachmaninoff had transcribed Korsikov's "Flight of the Bumblebee" for solo-piano.

I think the reference to that (musical) piece intrudes too heavily on the tone and cadence of your poem --which I really enjoyed.  I'd want to back away from the specificity of Rachmaninoff and push toward a more general sense of orchestral grandeur by referring to Mendelssohn or Haydn.  

***begin argument about which composer best fits the tone of this poem***

Now from there, I have to assume that the "as black separates from white," is more about the "Ebony and Ivory" of the keyboard, minus the Stevie Wonder-Paul McCartney allusion to racial harmony.

So at this point, a line like "the sun is a bronze chime" may sound in my review like it's over-cooked with orchestral imagery.  But I think you get away with it.  It's morning, the bees are out with pollened feet, and beside, I really like that line.  It hearkens back to the music of "Lawrence of Arabia," crossing the "Sun's Anvil."  There's no flute or xylophone of the sun, and I like the bronze chime --it's got that lighter morning tone that we hear.  The bed shivers, and there is a sense of sleeping late, the sense of a lazy morning listening to music and nature...

Now the tone darkens to copper, then to dappled darkness.

This happens too fast, and without referent.  If this were dusk, we might follow the turn.  But as you have it, I tend to agree with Vanity, the end seems to move away from the development of the poem's power.  I'm really not sure where this is going.

Obviously a turn can be powerful, if you get a good bit of tone and imagery to contrast.  The contrast can do a lot of work for you.  If the bed is better revealed to contain a person whose bipolarity finds a literary cue, something the reader can follow, then your turn to the dark dew and copper would become a simple voice for profound feeling --very Langston Hughes or John Keats if you will.  I think you need a more concrete moment for the turn.

Great diction, lovely imagery, a patient tone with no enjambments, I think you've got a great ear.

--Cheers!

[Todd]

underthewronghat,

I truly appreciate the time you spent reviewing my poem. You've given me a lot to reflect on and have provided me with a great deal of depth and clarity.

This will be helpful to me as I work on the poem offline over the next few months.

Thank you again,

Todd

[nibbed]

Hello Todd,


I am sorry I didn't comment on this poem sooner. I wasn't able to give it the consideration it deserves. I keep seeing light whispery wisps and color, like those gauzy polyester scarves, the floaty ones, from the 60's that would cover curlers and smelled like hairspray. The ones a magician would find good use for, stuffing many in a fake thumb, leaving all to wonder "how did his hand hold so many?" Gentle, though...not mean or cruel, but effectively showy and, well, holding a secret sort of beauty. I liked the poem very much.







The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees,                       this couplet is strangely indicative of imprisonment
and the soft steps of pollened feet,                                  

as black separates from white.                                         I see cowboy hats, but I'm never sure who's wearing what
                                                                                      
The sun is a bronze chime                                               This a ringing to gather, calling to an escape that is feasible.
and half the bed shivers.                                                  There's someone/something missing where there was once warmth and joy.

In the copper glow,                                                         this can mean a few things. I imagine it is warmth
the dew on the leaf                                                         leaving for a place of serenity and help

is a dappled darkness.                                                    
                                                                                    
                                                                                     Dappled darkness reminds me of when I am painting something
                                                                                     dark or cold on canvas and sprinkle the finished work with a brighter
                                                                                     color, usually white. I think those two words should remain, very genius to the poem.


Thank you for this wonderful read.
I hope you are showered with all
sorts of beauty and blessings today!


(I apologize for my fonts mishap.
It went a little haywire from preview
to post and I don't know how to fix it yet.
I made several attempts.)

[Todd]

Hi nibbed,

I appreciate the comments. Thank you I will consider all of this as I revise.

Best,

Todd

[Fox Womb]

The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees,
and the soft steps of pollened feet,

as black separates from white. This is the only line I think should change. The rest of the poem sounds well thought-out, but here you use basic ideas, such as black/white contrast, and the word "separate". Maybe you could replace this with something completely different, but still keep the same meaning. For example, you could say something about how oil and water separate rather than mix (or milk and vinegar, as that'd keep the idea of the b/w contrast).

The sun is a bronze chime
and half the bed shivers.

In the copper glow,
the dew on the leaf 

is a dappled darkness.

Overall, I think this is a good poem. I especially like the fifth line. "The bed shivers" makes me think of flowers in a flowerbed being blown by the wind, and then in the next line you mention a "copper glow", which makes me think of Autumn.

[Todd]

The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees,
and the soft steps of pollened feet,

as black separates from white. This is the only line I think should change. The rest of the poem sounds well thought-out, but here you use basic ideas, such as black/white contrast, and the word "separate". Maybe you could replace this with something completely different, but still keep the same meaning. For example, you could say something about how oil and water separate rather than mix (or milk and vinegar, as that'd keep the idea of the b/w contrast).

The sun is a bronze chime
and half the bed shivers.

In the copper glow,
the dew on the leaf 

is a dappled darkness.

Overall, I think this is a good poem. I especially like the fifth line. "The bed shivers" makes me think of flowers in a flowerbed being blown by the wind, and then in the next line you mention a "copper glow", which makes me think of Autumn.

Hi Fox Womb, I appreciate the critique. I'll give some thought to the point you raise on the third line when I start the next revision. 

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

About the Rachmaninoff issue, I have two thoughts:

(1) You could choose a composer (and Rachmaninoff is one) who is thought to have had problems with mood stability. Here's one list, although I would add Mozart as well.

(2) You could choose a kind of composition such as a toccata or an etude that typically has a more energetic pace, and/or you could make use of tempo notations (start at "Basic Tempo Markings").

[Todd]

Thanks Lizzie. I'll add these thoughts to my file. Appreciate the return visit.

Best,

Todd