Can You Hear Me? Edit

[CRNDLSM]

Edit

Are you looking down on me,
or are you my friend wishing me well?
Am I just a ball of clay with which you can play,
watching me run around in my physical shell?
Are you trying to teach me a lesson,
sitting high in your chair while I burn in hell?
I'm down on my luck and looking for answers,
does Satan want my soul cause I'm looking to sell.
If you sent your only son here to save me,
all I got is another story to tell.
I've been under this spell since Lucifer fell,
is a whisper sufficient or do I need to yell?
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

I set up signs to advertise my body and mind,
waiting for the fateful day I might find a buyer.
Delayed-gratification's a delusional ideal
in a world unconcerned with consuming desire.
When hypocrites make headlines and heathens patrol highways,
a role model's influence always expires.
I'm exhausted from all the belligerent preaching,
but silence a singer and I'm crushed by a choir.
With politicians profiteering public opinion,
democracy is turning into an empire.
Show yourself soon and save your earth's denizens
before the bombs drop and we all burn in fire.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Please god, give me faith.

They're screaming your praises around every corner,
but all that amounts is a crowd of clowns.
They've written the laws for equal rights and liberty,
but power will pay, twist the words, and confound.
They're killing for income, immoral for oil,
blinding our eyes to lifeless towns,
to make gold-plated hats for a few tiny heads,
since no one will dare wear the thorny crown.
Your children are dying and trying to hold on;
I hate the way they turn away while watching us drown.
Forgive them for they know not what they're doing,
please wait to release your hell hounds.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?



Original

Are you looking down on me,
or are you my friend wishing me well?
Are we just balls of clay for you to play with,
watching us run around in our physical shells?
Are you the one burying all our dead babies,
sitting high in your chair while we burn in hell?
I'm down on my luck and looking for answers,
does Satan want my soul cause I'm looking to sell.
If you sent your only son here to save us,
all that we got is a story to tell.
Under a spell since Lucifer fell,
is a whisper sufficient or do I need to yell?
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

We set up signs advertising our bodies and minds,
waiting for the fateful day when we find a buyer.
Delayed gratification is devoid of any meaning
in a world unconcerned with its consuming desire.
When hypocrites make headlines and heathens run the highways,
where are the role models we can admire?
Exhausted from all this belligerent preaching,
but silence a singer and be crushed by a choir.
With politicians profiteering public opinion,
democracy is turning into an empire.
Show yourself soon and save your civilians
before the bombs drop and we burn in the fire.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Please god, give me faith.

We're screaming your praises around every corner,
but all that comes out is a crowd of clowns.
We've written the laws for equal rights and liberty,
but high paying powers put it up for the pound.
We're killing for income, immoral for oil,
blinding our eyes to the lifeless towns,
to make gold-plated hats for a few tiny heads,
for no one will dare wear the thorny crown.
Your children are dying and trying to hold on.
I hate the way we turn away while watching them drown.
Forgive us for we know not what we're doing,
please wait to release your hell hounds.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

I'm not the only one in this world.

[dukealien]

Are you looking down on me,
or are you my friend wishing me well?  could sub "as" for repeated "are you"
Are we just balls of clay for you to play with, nice internal rhyme (one of many throughout)
watching us run around in our physical shells? "roll" or "rattle" to extend the "ball of clay" metaphor
Are you the one burying all our dead babies,  "who buries" to vary the -ing theme?
sitting high in your chair while we burn in hell? "high... chair" instead of throne suggest immature deity:  nice
I'm down on my luck and looking for answers,
does Satan want my soul cause I'm looking to sell.  not sure repeated "looking' here with different meaning quite works
If you sent your only son here to save us,
all that we got is a story to tell.  harsher:  "all we got" or "we got nothing but..."
Under a spell since Lucifer fell,  to whom does this refer, we (humans) or the deity?  unless ambiguity intended, could be clearer.  The idea of God still moping since ol' Morningstar jumped ship is intriguing, but not pursued.
is a whisper sufficient or do I need to yell?  end of the series of alternating-line end-rhymes, nice intensifier
Can you hear me
in this cry for help? actually just recriminations so far:  naive self-revelation?

We set up signs advertising our bodies and minds, definite topic shift here, referring back to "looking to sell"
waiting for the fateful day when we find a buyer.
Delayed gratification is devoid of any meaning
in a world unconcerned with its consuming desire.  I'm not clear on why delay is meaningless from this
When hypocrites make headlines and heathens run the highways,  sounds so good the line is excused from making sense (g)
where are the role models we can admire? another telling self-reveal:  not follow or emulate, merely admire without commitment
Exhausted from all this belligerent preaching,
but silence a singer and be crushed by a choir.  these two lines don't make sense, taken together
With politicians profiteering public opinion, takes a minute to figure out, but this does work
democracy is turning into an empire.
Show yourself soon and save your civilians  here's the actual prayer.  "Civilians" is odd, though:  save the soldiers, too?
before the bombs drop and we burn in the fire.  lose second "the" here
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Please god, give me faith.  and here is the *real* prayer.  Augustin would add, "but not yet!"

We're screaming your praises around every corner, 
but all that comes out is a crowd of clowns.  confusing image, though arresting.
We've written the laws for equal rights and liberty,
but high paying powers put it up for the pound.  unclear - could "it" be replaced by something like "justice?"
We're killing for income, immoral for oil,  an especially good internal rhyme at the end here
blinding our eyes to the lifeless towns, remove "the" - would also lubricate (g) the alliteration
to make gold-plated hats for a few tiny heads,
for no one will dare wear the thorny crown.  to prevent repeated "for" and speed the read:  "'cause no one will dare to wear the thorny crown."  Refers (as I see it) back to the real "give me faith" prayer.
Your children are dying and trying to hold on.
I hate the way we turn away while watching them drown.  this could be smoother, but not sure how:  all the words are necessary
Forgive us for we know not what we're doing,
please wait to release your hell hounds.  another part of the actual prayer:   "but not yet"
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

I'm not the only one in this world.  there are ways to interpret this (rejecting solipsism, plea for others [who are not as guilty]) but basically it should go, leaving the poem to end on the chorus

Critiquing this as a rap, i.e. lyric, rather than as a prose poem.  However, also including a note or two on  its theology/theodicy.

Tempted by the idea of capitalizing all instances of [Y]ou, [Y]our but there are so many it would become distracting.  Also too formal and would signal definite respect when it's to be ambiguous at most.

The shifts between "I" and "we" are a weakness - might be worth going over the poem to make the "we" speaker consistent or draw a sharper line between speaker and those for whom he's trying to intercede.

On the whole, this comes across as both sincerely concerned and petulant - a hard act, and very representative of attitudes today.  Well done, that!  Without faith, it's hard to lay everything off on God.  Once you have faith, the problem (theodicy) goes away... but faith is so unattractive compared with having Someone to blame, or at least to complain to.

[CRNDLSM]

You've given me a lot to think about here dukealien, thanks for that!

[theDesigner]

I'm not the greatest at form quite yet, but as someone who has thought about this topic thoroughly myself, I thought I'd give my feedback on the content itself, and some other angles for you to elaborate on the subject a bit more. Maybe it will help you get more descriptive on the subject, or maybe it will just be some food for thought.

Pascal's wager: It may not directly pertain to the content, but I thought it was relevant nonetheless. If you haven't heard of it, it's just saying that if there is a coin toss that god exists, why not go to church every Sunday? You could possibly touch on why you see that as an unhealthy mindset, if you do that is.

Bandwagon effect: You talk a lot about how we are in crisis and we are looking for help, but you never really go into why people turn to the "solution" of listening to politicians and preachers, being part of the choir. People are just more likely to believe something when there are a lot of people that outwardly share that belief. Maybe touch on the ignorance of this mindset, and go into what a "public opinion" really is in essence.

Devil's advocate: This is kind of just an idea to extend on this idea you presented in the first verse, but I would really like to see you extend on this idea of people searching for heaven only to find themselves deeper into hell. The reason I bring this up as playing "devil's advocate" is to go back to ying and yang, good can not exist without bad. I have a lot to say on that subject, but I would be playing preacher myself.

Deism: This is actually something I googled just writing this forum post, but you should look into it because it might give you some good ideas too. It's the belief that there exist's a supernatural entity that doesn't interact with the natural world, and while you may not believe in that, it could certainly hold some interesting philosophies pertaining to this.

All that was kinda basic stuff, I usually leave complexity to conversations just because I just find it more comfortable that way. I'm not read up in philosophy or psychology in any way, I just enjoy thinking about these things, which is also why I left a lot to the imagination.
Hope I could help, have a good day!

[CRNDLSM]

Thank you designer! Between you and Duke I think my main problem is the me/we issue. More so than the does God exist question. I dont want to speak for everyone, but if I believe in God, I want to care about everyone. So how can I ask for help for myself when there are so many problems in the world? If I can't help myself where do I turn to? Like having hope yet persistent Negativity towards hope, can you even hear me God?

I make up my own forms based on time limit to speak them. I don't think prose/poetry when I write, so I can't avoid it.

I definitely appreciate your input and am taking into consideration what you say, I've already made some minor changes but not ready to post the edit, thanks again!

[Lizzie]

Hello, Crundle! I'll give you some thoughts on this one.

Edit

Are you looking down on me, -- 'looking down on me' is a cliche
or are you my friend wishing me well? -- is this a deliberate word play on a wishing well?
Am I just a ball of clay with which you can play, -- don't like the convoluted word order to force "play" to the end of the line
watching me run around in my physical shell? -- as opposed to a metaphorical shell? I suppose....but you're not an invertebrate. I know that you're speaking of the flesh here as Plato does, but it just calls up for me a very funny image of you running about town with a snail's shell on your back, looking like a hermit crab.
Are you trying to teach me a lesson,
sitting high in your chair while I burn in hell?
I'm down on my luck and looking for answers, -- "down on my luck" is a cliche
does Satan want my soul cause I'm looking to sell. -- I really like this line -- a nice little quip
If you sent your only son here to save me, -- here's where I know for sure who the "you" is. It's also where I switch into church mode.
all I got is another story to tell. -- what story? I'm not making the connection between the previous line and this one.
I've been under this spell since Lucifer fell, -- what spell? I think you need to make it clearer what the spell does/did. Makes me wonder who the speaker is, since they would have needed to be around since the fall of the angels....
is a whisper sufficient or do I need to yell?
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

I set up signs to advertise my body and mind, -- need more details here, I think, about the signs, the "why" behind the statement
waiting for the fateful day I might find a buyer.
Delayed-gratification's a delusional ideal
in a world unconcerned with consuming desire. -- These last two lines seem to be taking things in a different direction, away from personal struggle to 'what's wrong with society in general.'
When hypocrites make headlines and heathens patrol highways, -- only Christians can be cops?
a role model's influence always expires.
I'm exhausted from all the belligerent preaching,
but silence a singer and I'm crushed by a choir.
With politicians profiteering public opinion,
democracy is turning into an empire. -- the switch from the realm of religion into the political realm and back again is starting to give me whip lash. I think you should choose a couple of key complaints and focus on really exploring those. The world sux, I get it -- but it's starting to read like a laundry list of complaints/anxieties.
Show yourself soon and save your earth's denizens
before the bombs drop and we all burn in fire. -- you need to bring the reader along with you to this conclusion. I still need to be convinced that this is where we're headed. I don't understand how we get from delayed gratification, mass media, to end of the world.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Please god, give me faith.

They're screaming your praises around every corner, -- who are "they"?
but all that amounts is a crowd of clowns.
They've written the laws for equal rights and liberty,
but power will pay, twist the words, and confound.
They're killing for income, immoral for oil,
blinding our eyes to lifeless towns, -- are you trying to make me suicidal? If your point is that this is all too much to bear, you've made it.
to make gold-plated hats for a few tiny heads,
since no one will dare wear the thorny crown. -- isn't the point of the crucifixion that Jesus did it so that everybody else wouldn't have to? Can't really blame people for not wanting to be crucified.
Your children are dying and trying to hold on;
I hate the way they turn away while watching us drown.
Forgive them for they know not what they're doing, -- respectfully, I do believe you need to be dying on a cross to utter these words. Thrown in here, they lack authority.
please wait to release your hell hounds.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Many of the psalms share this theme of pleading with God to intervene and stop corruption. As a reader, I would encourage you to tighten up the list to a handful of things because it's hard to follow. And you should take out the cliches, because they undermine your credibility.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie

[CRNDLSM]

Hello, Crundle! I'll give you some thoughts on this one.

Edit

Are you looking down on me, -- 'looking down on me' is a cliche has triple meaning though, looking down physically, looking down on a bad thing, looking down with love, the rest of the questions open up the subject.  
or are you my friend wishing me well? -- is this a deliberate word play on a wishing well? No, but I'll take it
Am I just a ball of clay with which you can play, -- don't like the convoluted word order to force "play" to the end of the line 'for you to play with' was natural but ended on a preposition 'for you to mold' maybe?
watching me run around in my physical shell? -- as opposed to a metaphorical shell? I suppose....but you're not an invertebrate. I know that you're speaking of the flesh here as Plato does, but it just calls up for me a very funny image of you running about town with a snail's shell on your back, looking like a hermit crab. I relate to crabs, but your right, maybe 'cell' better for double meaning
Are you trying to teach me a lesson,
sitting high in your chair while I burn in hell?
I'm down on my luck and looking for answers, -- "down on my luck" is a cliche how about 'falling apart'
does Satan want my soul cause I'm looking to sell. -- I really like this line -- a nice little quip
If you sent your only son here to save me, -- here's where I know for sure who the "you" is. It's also where I switch into church mode.
all I got is another story to tell. -- what story? I'm not making the connection between the previous line and this one. When you talk about Jesus you're pretty much just telling a story without the conviction and faith to make it present and crucial
I've been under this spell since Lucifer fell, -- what spell? I think you need to make it clearer what the spell does/did. Makes me wonder who the speaker is, since they would have needed to be around since the fall of the angels.... Good point, 'we've been under a spell' would show the disillusionment I'm suffering by including all humans? I'm having trouble with pronouns and preachyness 
is a whisper sufficient or do I need to yell?
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

I set up signs to advertise my body and mind, -- need more details here, I think, about the signs, the "why" behind the statement
waiting for the fateful day I might find a buyer.
Delayed-gratification's a delusional ideal
in a world unconcerned with consuming desire. -- These last two lines seem to be taking things in a different direction, away from personal struggle to 'what's wrong with society in general.' God is a huge subject, what grand earthly things can I relate to my depression?
When hypocrites make headlines and heathens patrol highways, -- only Christians can be cops? Because heathen is the opposite of Christian curse alliteration 
a role model's influence always expires.
I'm exhausted from all the belligerent preaching,
but silence a singer and I'm crushed by a choir.  martyrdom! Kill a guy, if he takes it willingly for a cause it instills vigor in others.  Doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, I think the same applies to the abrupt shutting up of any idea. I can't shut out people preaching to me because millions of followers back them up.  
With politicians profiteering public opinion,
democracy is turning into an empire. -- the switch from the realm of religion into the political realm and back again is starting to give me whip lash. I'm just talking about the 'leaders' and the dreaded end they seem to be bringing us, which you seem to be following
I think you should choose a couple of key complaints and focus on really exploring those. The world sux, I get it -- but it's starting to read like a laundry list of complaints/anxieties. You're also answering the question, you're hearing all the loaded crap in the world but not MY depression, obviously a cry for help, but help who?
Show yourself soon and save your earth's denizens
before the bombs drop and we all burn in fire. -- you need to bring the reader along with you to this conclusion. I still need to be convinced that this is where we're headed. I don't understand how we get from delayed gratification, mass media, to end of the world. This is just the middle, you're getting the depression
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Please god, give me faith.

They're screaming your praises around every corner, -- who are "they"? I know! I'm having so much trouble with pronouns
but all that amounts is a crowd of clowns.
They've written the laws for equal rights and liberty,
but power will pay, twist the words, and confound.
They're killing for income, immoral for oil,
blinding our eyes to lifeless towns, -- are you trying to make me suicidal? If your point is that this is all too much to bear, you've made it.
to make gold-plated hats for a few tiny heads,
since no one will dare wear the thorny crown. -- isn't the point of the crucifixion that Jesus did it so that everybody else wouldn't have to? Can't really blame people for not wanting to be crucified. I agree and say the same thing, but the drastic difference between gold and thorns and what they represent should indicate here the motivation behind the headgear, and the yea the hopelessness of it all
Your children are dying and trying to hold on;
I hate the way they turn away while watching us drown.
Forgive them for they know not what they're doing, -- respectfully, I do believe you need to be dying on a cross to utter these words. Thrown in here, they lack authority. 'Forgive us' inclusive would be better here because i am focusing not on the end of the world but the hopeless utter end of mine.  Hardly thrown in here, the whole thing is someone depressed in a cry for help, but how many suicidals know how to ask for help? Could have been helped? But no one sees or hears the signs in order to help.  The suicidal goes the whole journey bearing the pressures of his own mind, did he kill himself though he wielded the weapon? Van Gogh shot himself, but died after a week of bleeding, was that a suicide, he was suicidal? Or did he reform his mind and just die from a gunshot wound? So I think any suicidal, whether Christian or not, is dying on a cross, 
please wait to release your hell hounds.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Many of the psalms share this theme of pleading with God to intervene and stop corruption. As a reader, I would encourage you to tighten up the list to a handful of things because it's hard to follow. And you should take out the cliches, because they undermine your credibility. It is appreciated, the few changes i made from the original created other problems, but problems need to be solved! I'll work on the list, I thought it was fairly tight but it's not getting across the 'can you hear ME in the cry for help'

Hope this helps, me too! Thanks lizzie!

Lizzie 

[Lizzie]

Ok, if I missed the point or I'm just a shitty reader, feel free to step around the points which miss the point. No worries.

What I don't understand is, if the poem is intended to be about you and your feelings, why is so much of it concentrating on the world outside? If you want to focus on you, turn the focus inward and keep it there.

I don't think there's any "should" when it comes to reader response -- people see what they see, and it's individual.

I wonder what kind of response you would like from the reader. I think a good poem should be written for the reader. I don't see that happening here.

Unfortunately, a lot of the questions you're posing to me I simply can't answer. Only you know what you want to convey.

I wish I could help more.  

Best to you, Crundle.

Lizzie

[vagabond]

Hardly thrown in here, the whole thing is someone depressed in a cry for help, but how many suicidals know how to ask for help? Could have been helped? But no one sees or hears the signs in order to help. 

The suicidal goes the whole journey bearing the pressures of his own mind, did he kill himself though he wielded the weapon? Van Gogh shot himself, but died after a week of bleeding, was that a suicide, he was suicidal? Or did he reform his mind and just die from a gunshot wound? So I think any suicidal, whether Christian or not, is dying on a cross,

the pressure i assume you´re talking about  can be intensely felt in the way you wrote the poem. it´s quite urgent, so, your goal to express a cry for help is achieved.

but the cry seems too generalized.
suicide is not the consequence of this world as a whole, however ugly it is with corruption, war, suffering and so on.
suicide is never, never sacrifice. it´s quite the opposite, it makes the world worse.

forgive me this invasion, it´s a repetition anyway, but i think it´s important. keep it up, the idea is good.

[CRNDLSM]

Hardly thrown in here, the whole thing is someone depressed in a cry for help, but how many suicidals know how to ask for help? Could have been helped? But no one sees or hears the signs in order to help. 

The suicidal goes the whole journey bearing the pressures of his own mind, did he kill 

the pressure i assume you´re talking about  can be intensely felt in the way you wrote the poem. it´s quite urgent, so, your goal to express a cry for help is achieved.

but the cry seems too generalized.
suicide is not the consequence of this world as a whole, however ugly it is with corruption, war, suffering and so on.
suicide is never, never sacrifice. it´s quite the opposite, it makes the world worse. Crucifixion wasn't sacrifice, one famous crucifixion (often viewed as a suicide, having had the power at any time to stop it) uttered the forgiveness line but it's the line everyone should utter when under attack, hence turning the other cheek. When you hurt yourself, who can be forgiven?  I distinctly remember in The Bell Jar her body compulsively killing itself walking into the ocean or tying a rope around her neck or hiding away in a basement while her thoughts were on anything but the actual action.  There's too many reasons for a suicide to actually mention it directly in my prose/ poem here, but maybe i can do something more to make it less generalized, I'm taking your and lizzies comments into consideration, thank you!

forgive me this invasion, it´s a repetition anyway, but i think it´s important. keep it up, the idea is good.

 

[Quixilated]

Is this the one?

[CRNDLSM]

Yes thank you so much, I forgot where I put it and wasn't showing on searches