In Defense of Narcissus

[therabbitisme]

Who sees himself reflected
And makes a loving sigh,
Whose crown is self-elected
Whose favorite word is "I"

He reflects in man
As man reflects in God
As clay within His hand
A self-reflective wad

As Plato is alone
In his Platonic form
So Narcissus' home
Is, by himself, kept warm

As he reflects,
He sees himself

[Richard]

Hey therabbitisme,
Since this is intensive, I will go into a little more detail than I usually do:

Who sees himself reflected -There's three beats in this line, and in the rest of the lines as well. When rhyming, short lines like this usually go with a comedic tone. If you're committed to keeping this poem a rhymer, I would suggest reworking it so at least the beats go 4 in one line and then 3 in the next, and repeat that beat pattern throughout.
And makes a loving sigh, -Don't need to capitalize at the start of each line. Most modern poetry has moved away from this.
Whose crown is self-elected -I like the play on the words here with crown and self-elected. This is the strongest line in the poem.
Whose favorite word is "I" -In such a short poem, repeating a word like "Whose" isn't necessary. Other than trying to sound poetic, it doesn't add much. I would suggest using a different word.

He reflects in man -Again, don't need to repeat "reflect" here. Wasn't Narcissus a man, so of course he would reflect in man. It might even be interesting if you played around with how he reflects in men and women. Just a thought.
As man reflects in God -Narcissus is a part of Greek mythology, if memory serves, so shouldn't it be "Gods", not "God"?
As clay within His hand -Again, clay is part of the Christian creation story, but Narcissus is part of Greek mythology. Maybe it's just my own opinion, but I think it would work better if you only drew on elements of the Greek Mythology creation story.
A self-reflective wad -I get what you're doing with "self-reflective" here, but it would have more impact if this was the first time the reader saw "reflect" in the poem.

As Plato is alone -Was Plato a bit Narcissistic? There is a lot of potential here that you should explore more.
In his Platonic form -Maybe give an image to illustrate the Platonic form? That would give this line some substance.
So Narcissus' home -Where is Narcissus' home? Again, you could go into more detail.
Is, by himself, kept warm -It would be more startling if he was actually cold, but doesn't care. This would reflect the emptiness of Narcissism.

As he reflects,-Need a different word than "reflect". That word is in this poem too many times for such a short poem.
He sees himself -Maybe think about playing around with his distorted reflection as an image. This ending could play around with Narcissus' own delusion.

I would be curious to see you rewrite this without the rhymes and just exploring some of the imagery more. There is something here worth working at, so I hope you take the time to edit this piece.

Cheers,
Richard

[Knot]

.
Hi rabbit,
can't add much to what Richard has said, except a rather drastic suggestion: cut everything but the last
(ever so slightly tweaked) couplet (something like As Man reflects / he sees himself )


Best, Knot



.

[crow]

You’ve got an awkward problem, here. Narcissus was passive to death, and that’s fine for mythology. But passive-voice poems are unpleasant. I mean, poetry in general is unpleasant, but passive-voice poems are agonizing.

Richard has you pegged. If you want to keep the structure you’ve got, listen to his edits. They’re chef’s-kiss pretty.

But I think this is a joyless metrical exercise. It doesn’t feel like a poem you, you the author, love. And, there’s some irony in that, given the subject matter, but . . .

If you’re writing about old Greeks, somebody needs to die. The stakes of this poem are diminished from the reference material. You’re drawing hear from a nuclear furnace.

Either relate the original myth to a contemporary narrative or cast the ancient narrative in a slam-bang poetic embodiment.

Or ditch the ancient crap.

But this isn’t the kind of verse where you can meet your reader halfway. As soon as you reference ancient stories, you’re Atlas.

---

Fwiw, I want you to keep working this thing.

[Erthona]

therabbitisme,

Your first stanza is in iambic trimeter with an abab rhyme pattern, good solid formal poetry, even though a bit rudimentary and singsong. Except for your fifth line it maintains this form until the ending couplet and the fifth is merely missing its head. 

The rhyme "God" and "wad" does rhyme, however the term "wad" has such modern connotations as to maybe seem less than worthy. If you are trying to be a bit bawdy and humorous...then sure. I find it hilarious myself and trimeter does lend itself to levity.  "God" may be better as lower case "g," as we are talking Greek mythology. 

The first line should read "he" not "who". "(Who) He sees himself reflected" Using who makes this a question, yet by context we can conclude it is not a question. The "he" is the personification of "narcissism" as a person, which becomes confused in the second stanza as "he" Narcissus cannot reflect in man, if anything man my show narcissism, but man is neither reflected nor reflects, at least in this sense. The writer seems to forget that the personified thing cannot stand in for an actually thing. Secondly it makes no sense to say that man plays the same function in God as  narcissism does in man. This is an unproven assertion, even in the poem. Also "God" is a non-descriptive term, as when people think of the idea of "God" they tend to think of many different things. The writer here, seems to assume that "God" is the same thing to all people. It is not.

In the third stanza the second part (the second two lines) does not follow the first, that is to say it is nonsensical. Platonic forms have nothing to do with narcissism, so there is no correlation between the two. Plato's forms have to do with the archetypal image of a thing, such as a tree. We have this general idea of tree (the archetype) and through that we recognize all other trees as trees, even though we have never seen some trees before. Narcissism is not a mental construct, it is a label associated with a mental type, not as a thing in itself, ie., 'being' in the world. Secondly, Plato is not alone in his forms, that in itself is nonsensical. 


The last two lines follow along in this same vein.

"As he reflects,
He sees himself"

Insert mirror for "he".

As a mirror reflects,
it sees itself.

I assume that the "he" here is Narcissus, but this makes little sense as in the myth Narcissus needs echo to reflect back to him, as he is unable to do it for himself.

Even though I have given a lot of criticism, I think could be a workable idea once you have it more clearly in you mind and actually create coherency within the poem.

best,

dale

[Thunderembargo]

Who sees himself reflected
And makes a loving sigh,
Whose crown is self-elected
Whose favorite word is "I"

He reflects in man
As man reflects in God
As clay within His hand
A self-reflective wad

As Plato is alone
In his Platonic form
So Narcissus' home
Is, by himself, kept warm

As he reflects,
He sees himself

I entirely disagree with Dale, and, consequentially with the reviewer who seconded his excorciating remark.   Dale seems to be arguing against the two critical and underpinning theories of the poem: (1) that the symbolic-allegory of Narcissism can take the place of a thing, or in the case of the poem, a man.   (2) that Platonic Idealism is the perfect milieu-idiom-methodology by which self-reflection and projection result in the analogy which the poet has constructed.

Poetry is itself the perfect language by which such ideas aught to be developed and explored.   Without poetry they could not.   Dale seems to favour the voice of the critic above that of the poet, and for that he should read Alexander Pope's "Essay on Criticism" in which the relationship between author and critic is summarily and consummately rendered.

Although Dale's analytical observations are helpful insofar as he enumerates and identifies the meter of the verse, it's form, the use of pronouns and the rhetorical closure or lackthereof (this is arguable) with the final couplet, the central idea of the poem that the self-reflection of Narcissus can be used to study Man's own analogical Deity is fascinating and compelling.

Please only critique the content of the poem.  Please do not critique the content of other critiques.  Whether or not you agree with Dale’s critique is irrelevant.  What you think of the poem is the only relevant topic in this thread. 

Thank you.
—Quix/admin