Event Horizon

[Tiger the Lion]

Event Horizon 

The helix walls
are close upon black;

I swear to God
I loved you brightly

[Magpie]

Hey Paul,

Didn't want to see this one disappear beyond the event horizon of the main page without saying that I like it — I really like it.

Not much else to say - I could say that perhaps the semicolon could be dropped because short poems such as this work better sometimes without any punctuation. But because this is miscellaneous then feel free to tell me where to go. 

Cheers,

Mark

[Lizzie]

Tiger,

I agree that this one is beautiful. There's true heartache in it.

My favorite bit is "I loved you brightly." I usually dislike adverbs, but this one is perfect.

Well done.

[Alexearth]

Hey,

"Event Horizon", I'm more attracted to the title in some way, but great short poem nevertheless.
I would keep the semi colon though and even add a period in the last sentence, marking the "end". Good stuff

Cheers!

[RiverNotch]

Event Horizon 

The helix walls
are close upon black;

I swear to God
I loved you brightly

The first stanza reads a bit too functional compared to the rest, as if it were written to make the whole read like poetry, instead of be part of the poem itself. I feel like I'm missing what something there is behind "helix walls" that should make it effective, beyond introducing the reader to darkness --- but the title is a draw, both because of the sound and the depth of meaning, and the second stanza can only be described as the last brilliant spark of a star sucked into a black hole's void. Perhaps that first stanza could even be removed ----- Still, lovely, lovely work.

[Tiger the Lion]

@Mark, I've been looking at that semicolon for a month and still can't make a decision. Punctuation is so hard to fine tune in short pieces.
@Lizzie. Heartache is the muse's laundry... it needs to be done
@Alex, I wanted to leave the period hanging. I think I like it as is but see the challenge.
@River, you are right but I tried to set the scene as briefly as possible. Chopping the first stanza further feels painful.

Thanks for reading and commenting guys. Just getting back at participating more. Sorry 'bout the bump. Felt I owed a few thanks.
Paul

[Magpie]

@Mark, I've been looking at that semicolon for a month and still can't make a decision. Punctuation is so hard to fine tune in short pieces.

reminded me of this - 

"I spent all morning taking out a comma and all afternoon putting it back in again." — Oscar Wilde

[laltieri0]

Tiger, This is lovely! I agree with Ambrosial about the semicolon but can see where you're on the fence about it. Seriously, I'd like this printed and hung on my wall.