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[Automatically written after sleeping-pill masturbatory orgasm]
Humanimantra
splayed out
vagina
from corner to corner
our tarp roof
selling
cumshots hottentots
blowjob power fantasies
and cunnilingual trivialities
at perfect price! --
we are made mechanics
or mechanicals ever since
that sexual rebellion ever since
the libertines won, squeezed out
suppressed and semen from the dick
and the man
made mockery of his morals
something about
being better, about
being no faggot, no animal --
lost in translation.
something about
sin, about
trying to reach heaven --
lost in translation.
something about
trickle down, about
those hotpant camelfire of industry --
lost in translation.
think of this, think of this: Pre. Industrial. Revolution.
if only i could think
EXPLODING!
but no
i am
as we all are
too far below
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I find this fun, and sad, to read. I don't get the gimmick after dick, I like the line and don't think you need it. I think the uppercase exploding works (gives a bit of a laugh though as it seems immature) and for me the white space at the end worked.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Thanks. This really was written in the middle of early morning, right after orgasm, with a sleeping pill driving me into dreamland. I guess I took Jodorowsky's indirect challenge of using sexual energy for creation to heart, albeit only to denigrate said sexual energy, at least as expressed through modern means. The gimmick right below dick was a dick joke, but now even I'm a bit bothered by it -- thus the mild edit.
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(12-19-2016, 12:58 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: This really was written in the middle of early morning, right after orgasm
wayyyyyy too much information, man... 
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(12-19-2016, 02:04 PM)Achebe Wrote: (12-19-2016, 12:58 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: This really was written in the middle of early morning, right after orgasm
wayyyyyy too much information, man... xD
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(12-19-2016, 12:58 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: using sexual energy for creation
This is an interesting concept.
Ha, I actually like the dick representation. It's kind of a modern thing to do and not seen in a lot of poetry. Made the piece stand out for me, and it seemed whimsical. Whether people love it or hate it, it's memorable.
But, what do I know.
I like that the humanity of the speaker shows in this piece.
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(12-20-2016, 12:47 PM)lizziep Wrote: (12-19-2016, 12:58 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: using sexual energy for creation
This is an interesting concept.
Ha, I actually like the dick representation. It's kind of a modern thing to do and not seen in a lot of poetry. Made the piece stand out for me, and it seemed whimsical. Whether people love it or hate it, it's memorable. Hmm....
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Question: did you take the sedative before or after fulmination?
Maybe we can start a thread and it can be a group experiment.
Sometimes you have to think inside the box (  ) to unleash the creativity.... 
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(12-22-2016, 01:41 PM)lizziep Wrote: Question: did you take the sedative before or after fulmination?
Maybe we can start a thread and it can be a group experiment.
Sometimes you have to think inside the box ( ) to unleash the creativity....
I'm confused...are you advocating group sex?
If there's a child how'll we know who's the father?
DNA is evolution and therefore unChristian.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(12-22-2016, 01:41 PM)lizziep Wrote: Question: did you take the sedative before or after fulmination?
Maybe we can start a thread and it can be a group experiment.
Sometimes you have to think inside the box ( ) to unleash the creativity.... Before, of course.
And before any narcs take issue, it wasn't substance abuse, as it was taken at midnight, and I was given a proper prescription for it.
I had to read this a few times to try and out wit my inner puritan. I think it is obvious you have a good sense of meter and know how to write, this poem to me though feels like jacking off. I can see you have no trouble transforming your thoughts into something objectively beautiful. I suppose my criticism would be perhaps that more interesting than pulling out and then dragging the lake for depth you would be better off leading off with the second half, where there is some stronger context than just "here I am squeezing my pudding pistol out all over your mind's thighs. " Just my two cents though, I did enjoy the read for what its worth.
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(12-19-2016, 12:58 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Thanks. This really was written in the middle of early morning, right after orgasm, with a sleeping pill driving me into dreamland. I guess I took Jodorowsky's indirect challenge of using sexual energy for creation to heart, albeit only to denigrate said sexual energy, at least as expressed through modern means. The gimmick right below dick was a dick joke, but now even I'm a bit bothered by it -- thus the mild edit.
what kind of sleeping pill?
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(01-07-2017, 01:51 PM)shemthepenman Wrote: (12-19-2016, 12:58 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Thanks. This really was written in the middle of early morning, right after orgasm, with a sleeping pill driving me into dreamland. I guess I took Jodorowsky's indirect challenge of using sexual energy for creation to heart, albeit only to denigrate said sexual energy, at least as expressed through modern means. The gimmick right below dick was a dick joke, but now even I'm a bit bothered by it -- thus the mild edit.
what kind of sleeping pill? i think Zolpidem? which apparently does cause high-like stuff sometimes. i didn't and don't use it frequently -- i suppose less frequently than i should or should have, considering my sleep schedule is still kinda wonk
Pretty cool. I like the concept of writing something right after climaxing. Thought that might sound strange 
This reminds me of Nirvana song texts. Vulgar and spacy. +1 from me!
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River, a couple (more) things:
It would read smoother if you took the reader for the whole ride. You start us off at splayed out vagina, which is more gynecologist's office than bedroom sexy (the sudden jolt of it, that is.) A little more in the way of foreplay, I should think.
Also, "splayed labia" would be better than vagina, because you mean to describe the external genitalia, I presume. If you are talking about the vaginal canal proper, than maybe something like stretched, because it would only be splayed out in extemis.
Still, I think you have an interesting piece on your hands.
Workshop? Hint, hint.
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