I don't have a name for this!!

[Jo Frumple]

Hiyah everybody! This is my first poem I've posted on here but feel free to give it as much critique as it needs! I really hope yall like it! It is kinda sexy and the style is inspired by a band that I like. Maybe sometime I'll set it to music.



Mossy forests
Fondle soft
Feathered chorists
Secret loft
Sylvan bed-tents
Dreamt dances
Unveiled consents
Real-life trances
Hear a whisper
Oak awnings
Lifting drifter
"Fly attendings."
Blush hover
Sopping idle
"Come my lover."
Drenched tidal
Bay appointed
Firm steady
Dye anointed
Yield heady
Gentle impress
Echo relish
Weld obsess
Revel plenish
Whorl ascent
Solar rising
Wellness advent
Closure prizing.

[CRNDLSM]

In a general understanding of language i interpret phrases almost as really long words. In a way this reads like a rhyming word association exercise. The word choices and rhythms I have no problem with, but other than having fun with words I can't tell what you're saying?

[Jo Frumple]

Oh my gosh!! Thank you so much for replying!
Yes, the fact that it's vague and you're not exactly sure what's going on and where the poem is going is intentional. I guess in that way it isn't a usual poem. It isn't one with a specific story or theme or anything. It is more of a compilation of good sounding words and rhythms that convey feeling. Do you think that's okay?
Yes, the phrases kind of run together more like long words.

In a general understanding of language i interpret phrases almost as really long words.  In a way this reads like a rhyming word association exercise.  The word choices and rhythms I have no problem with, but other than having fun with words I can't tell  what you're saying?

[CRNDLSM]

Of course it's okay, you can say whatever you want. The great thing about music it also allows the performer to act out the words through tone and stage presence. Sometimes I don't make the edits until I have the music because of spacing and phrasing. You may decide to cut half the words or double them.. it's all you

[gedankespieler]

I think poetry does well to a somewhat consistent theme; this greatly helps the reader to construct mental imagery. This sounds somewhat like schizophrenic word salad, which probably isn't what you're going for. I'd recommend using more varied emphasis and rhyme to construct, if not meaning, a pleasing melody. If you want to choose words for how they sound, and not what sense they make, it's best to also choose them for their rhythm. Think of it as composing a tune.
By the end of this poem, I was barely paying attention - it is too disjointed, and the structure it has is too repetitive to be interesting (like a bad techno track). Sorry if I'm being harsh.
I think this bit has something:

Mossy forests
Fondle soft
Feathered chorists
Secret loft
Sylvan bed-tents
Dreamt dances
Unveiled consents
Real-life trances
Hear a whisper

- but it swiftly falls apart after that. Coherence is key.

Hear a whisper
Oak awnings

Nope, you've lost me. The images don't cohere at all. I think, if you're relatively new to poetry, you should be somewhat strict with yourself. Churning things onto a page won't help you improve.

[Jo Frumple]

Thank you so much for the feedback!
I get what you mean. Especially the "word salad", it certainly is kinda a word salad. xD As to the consistent theme, I don't believe all poetry must have a definite point and meaning. As a matter of fact, some of my poetry tends to run on the random side. I will say though that I usually enjoy poems better which have a theme I can comprehend. I think if you don't have a consistent theme, you should have at least a consistent feeling that you are trying to convey. The latter was more of what I was seeking to do in this poem. For me, the poem imparts thoughts of the woods, nature, quietude, peace, but also mystery and some psychedelics. That's what I was hoping the reader would get out of it too. I'm not trying to make it a perfect, mathematical, work that is ready for the headlines, but rather something softer. Perhaps you're right and I'm a newb and I should stick to the books. But perhaps you're not and perhaps I do this for a living.
 Perhaps you were expecting too much or too rigorous an outline and that's why you didn't enjoy the poem. I'd try reading a few more times, perhaps slower.
The opening lines that you quoted I do think are some of the better lines of the poem. But overall, I like the poem myself.

Thanks again!!

I think poetry does well to a somewhat consistent theme; this greatly helps the reader to construct mental imagery. This sounds somewhat like schizophrenic word salad, which probably isn't what you're going for. I'd recommend using more varied emphasis and rhyme to construct, if not meaning, a pleasing melody. If you want to choose words for how they sound, and not what sense they make, it's best to also choose them for their rhythm. Think of it as composing a tune.
By the end of this poem, I was barely paying attention - it is too disjointed, and the structure it has is too repetitive to be interesting (like a bad techno track). Sorry if I'm being harsh.
I think this bit has something:

Mossy forests
Fondle soft
Feathered chorists
Secret loft
Sylvan bed-tents
Dreamt dances
Unveiled consents
Real-life trances
Hear a whisper

- but it swiftly falls apart after that. Coherence is key.

Hear a whisper
Oak awnings

Nope, you've lost me. The images don't cohere at all. I think, if you're relatively new to poetry, you should be somewhat strict with yourself. Churning things onto a page won't help you improve.

[HaleINthewind]

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-7740.html

This is a link to a surrealism practice. With the surrealism you create a feeling using things that may not directly make since. It has that association quality. At first I thought maybe you had gotten this from that exercise. Maybe try these a few times then come back to these words. Atm it is more of a list than a poem. The feeling of this list is well.. unreachable. I think you would enjoy the practice it is great fun. Will probably help you out.

[Sparkydashforth]

I write a lot of poetry that could be labeled surreal and stitched together with word associations. It's a good way
to break the logic up into a pastiche of images and meta-suggestions, by which I mean peripheral hints that
jump to more mental associations. Your poem almost works for me, there are many highlights where the
word-music flips into word-paintings. Some weak word choices, especially in the last third of the work.

Have made some observations below-

Hiyah everybody! This is my first poem I've posted on here but feel free to give it as much critique as it needs! I really hope yall like it! It is kinda sexy and the style is inspired by a band that I like. Maybe sometime I'll set it to music.



Mossy forests
Fondle soft
Feathered chorists
Secret loft.......................lovely sounds and full of pillow images.
Sylvan bed-tents
Dreamt dances
Unveiled consents
Real-life trances............you mentioned the sexiness, and this section is gently erotic.
Hear a whisper
Oak awnings
Lifting drifter
"Fly attendings."..............I do think that these lines are weak and less convincing
Blush hover
Sopping idle
"Come my lover."
Drenched tidal...................lovely aqueous imagery for love-making 
Bay appointed
Firm steady
Dye anointed
Yield heady
Gentle impress
Echo relish
Weld obsess
Revel plenish
Whorl ascent......................the word choice feels un-precise
Solar rising.........................maybe another way to paint a dawn image
Wellness advent
Closure prizing.

......................the theme seems to get a bit lost in these lines, but I think you are pointing to a good night and a fulfilled morning




Well done!

[Jo Frumple]

Hey Hale! Thanks so much for the feedback and link! I'll be sure to check this stuff out! Surrealism sounds very interesting!

Peace,
~Jo

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-7740.html

This is a link to a surrealism practice. With the surrealism you create a feeling using things that may not directly make since. It has that association quality. At first I thought maybe you had gotten this from that exercise.  Maybe try these a few times then come back to these words. Atm it is more of a list than a poem. The feeling of this list is well.. unreachable. I think you would enjoy the practice it is great fun. Will probably help you out.

---

Hello Sparky! Thank you so so much for taking the time to critique! It means a lot!

I am just so happy that somebody understood the softly sensual parts! I wasn't sure if anybody would get that.

Yeah, the poem is good in some parts and much weaker in others. I kind-of didn't want it to be too short, but at the same time, I hope the weaker lines don't bring the poem down.

Thank you again!

Peace,
Jo

I write a lot of poetry that could be labeled surreal and stitched together with word associations. It's a good way
to break the logic up into a pastiche of images and meta-suggestions, by which I mean peripheral hints that
jump to more mental associations. Your poem almost works for me, there are many highlights where the
word-music flips into word-paintings. Some weak word choices, especially in the last third of the work.

Have made some observations below-

Hiyah everybody! This is my first poem I've posted on here but feel free to give it as much critique as it needs! I really hope yall like it! It is kinda sexy and the style is inspired by a band that I like. Maybe sometime I'll set it to music.



Mossy forests
Fondle soft
Feathered chorists
Secret loft.......................lovely sounds and full of pillow images.
Sylvan bed-tents
Dreamt dances
Unveiled consents
Real-life trances............you mentioned the sexiness, and this section is gently erotic.
Hear a whisper
Oak awnings
Lifting drifter
"Fly attendings."..............I do think that these lines are weak and less convincing
Blush hover
Sopping idle
"Come my lover."
Drenched tidal...................lovely aqueous imagery for love-making 
Bay appointed
Firm steady
Dye anointed
Yield heady
Gentle impress
Echo relish
Weld obsess
Revel plenish
Whorl ascent......................the word choice feels un-precise
Solar rising.........................maybe another way to paint a dawn image
Wellness advent
Closure prizing.

......................the theme seems to get a bit lost in these lines, but I think you are pointing to a good night and a fulfilled morning




Well done!

[Coquette16]

I'm curious to hear (no pun intended) what type of music you would use to accompany this! It certainly has rhythm, but the overall theme is not evident. What I imagine when I'm reading, is a tent of an Egyptian prince, surrounded by gold-plated guards and filled with richly colored decorated women fawning over the prince...perhaps later in the evening, there is a special encounter with a specific lady...?

You could definitely take the imagery to a stronger place by working on the structure of the poem to make the theme more pronounced.

-Coquette16

Hiyah everybody! This is my first poem I've posted on here but feel free to give it as much critique as it needs! I really hope yall like it! It is kinda sexy and the style is inspired by a band that I like. Maybe sometime I'll set it to music.



Mossy forests
Fondle soft
Feathered chorists
Secret loft
Sylvan bed-tents
Dreamt dances
Unveiled consents
Real-life trances
Hear a whisper
Oak awnings
Lifting drifter
"Fly attendings."
Blush hover
Sopping idle
"Come my lover."
Drenched tidal
Bay appointed
Firm steady
Dye anointed
Yield heady
Gentle impress
Echo relish
Weld obsess
Revel plenish
Whorl ascent
Solar rising
Wellness advent
Closure prizing.