I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

[DerTomatenToaster]

I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

Empty boxes in the front yard
crafting shelves and a bed
inside of those stone brick walls
where I slowly forget those who kept me fed
and think only about who I met back then
dressed in black, woven silk
fell for whispers, but never saw the distance
paint the walls with whatever comes to mind
tape the flowers to the wall, can't afford a vase
ashamed,
but you don't mind

When I excuse for the quiet
take a blanket and dye it
red or green or whatever you prefer
to lie inside, 
to keep you warm, 
I guess red looks warmer
tongues fall apart
but you keep sitting at the table
that I crafted out of glass from the bottles that you emptied
pretend not to see the cracks and the shards beneath
nothing but fake smiles to disguise the despise in your eyes

When I excused for the nail that punctured my tongue
you replied: "There are words abound stuck in my lungs"
Stuck indeed, never relieved,
first a kitchen knife
then quick stabs through your chest,
words form a flood or is it just blood?
Deafening screams before you stop to breathe,
gaping cuts, now your eyes stay shut,
mine never opened

[DerTomatenToaster]

Each of us is expected to leave at least one critique for someone else before posting a new workshop thread. Please catch up. Thanks, ella

I know, sorry. I just wanted to get this off my chest when I posted this at around 2am. I hoped my old feedback would be okay for this one post, but whatever, I wrote new feedback and I'll try my best to keep doing so.

[ellajam]

Each of us is expected to leave at least one critique for someone else before posting a new workshop thread. Please catch up. Thanks, ella

I know, sorry. I just wanted to get this off my chest when I posted this at around 2am. I hoped my old feedback would be okay for this one post, but whatever, I wrote new feedback and I'll try my best to keep doing so.

Thanks for catching up, welcome back.

[Sparkydashforth]

I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

Empty boxes in the front yard
crafting shelves and a bed
inside of those stone brick walls
where I slowly forget those who kept me fed...........you set the scene rather well, I sense the poverty - been there.
and think only about who I met back then
dressed in black, woven silk
fell for whispers, but never saw the distance
paint the walls with whatever comes to mind
tape the flowers to the wall, can't afford a vase
ashamed,
but you don't mind.................love these lines, they are sensitively illustrated.

When I excuse for the quiet
take a blanket and dye it
red or green or whatever you prefer
to lie inside, 
to keep you warm, 
I guess red looks warmer.....................all nicely said, and I like the theme focus going on.
tongues fall apart
but you keep sitting at the table
that I crafted out of glass from the bottles that you emptied
pretend not to see the cracks and the shards beneath.................'shards' is an over used word
nothing but fake smiles to disguise the despise in your eyes.........  nice sonic here

When I excused for the nail that's stuck in my tongue
you replied: "There are words abound stuck in my lungs"
Stuck indeed, never relieved,.............I think 'stuck' could be improved upon.
first a kitchen knife
then quick stabs through your chest.........'Into' rather than "through" I think.
words form a flood or is it just blood?............nicely coupled.
Deafening screams before you stop to breath,...........I would cut "deafening' Implied by actions.
gaping cuts, now your eyes stay shut,
mine never opened  .........Strong ending lines.

[DerTomatenToaster]

I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

Empty boxes in the front yard
crafting shelves and a bed
inside of those stone brick walls
where I slowly forget those who kept me fed...........you set the scene rather well, I sense the poverty - been there.
and think only about who I met back then
dressed in black, woven silk
fell for whispers, but never saw the distance
paint the walls with whatever comes to mind
tape the flowers to the wall, can't afford a vase
ashamed,
but you don't mind.................love these lines, they are sensitively illustrated.

When I excuse for the quiet
take a blanket and dye it
red or green or whatever you prefer
to lie inside, 
to keep you warm, 
I guess red looks warmer.....................all nicely said, and I like the theme focus going on.
tongues fall apart
but you keep sitting at the table
that I crafted out of glass from the bottles that you emptied
pretend not to see the cracks and the shards beneath.................'shards' is an over used word
nothing but fake smiles to disguise the despise in your eyes.........  nice sonic here

When I excused for the nail that's stuck in my tongue
you replied: "There are words abound stuck in my lungs"
Stuck indeed, never relieved,.............I think 'stuck' could be improved upon.
first a kitchen knife
then quick stabs through your chest.........'Into' rather than "through" I think.
words form a flood or is it just blood?............nicely coupled.
Deafening screams before you stop to breath,...........I would cut "deafening' Implied by actions.
gaping cuts, now your eyes stay shut,
mine never opened  .........Strong ending lines.

Thanks for your feedback and glad you liked it for the most part!
I also thought that using "stuck" three times in a row is a bit weird, I'll definitly try to find a fitting synonyme for the first one. 
I wouldn't say that "deafening" is implied, I think that people who get stabbed could also stay completely quiet due to the shock they are in... Never tried it though, lol.

Is changing "through" to "into" necessary? It kind of depends on how deep the stab is, right? I mean... does it still make sense with "through"? (english isn't my first language, that's why I ask) Because changing it to "into" kind of destroys the line, both because it's one syllable more and because I miss the "th".

[CRNDLSM]

Hi der!

I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

Empty boxes in the front yard
crafting shelves and a bed
inside of those stone brick walls
where I slowly forget those who kept me fed
and think only about who I met back then
dressed in black, woven silk
fell for whispers, but never saw the distance it feels like this first stanza is a setting, and this is too abstract to enhance the setting, maybe later when we get to know the narrator more
paint the walls with whatever comes to mind
tape the flowers to the wall, can't afford a vase
ashamed,
but you don't mind

When I excuse for the quiet excuse is like apology.  to excuse oneself from the table? the next time you say this sounds funny too.
take a blanket and dye it
red or green or whatever you prefer
to lie inside, 
to keep you warm, 
I guess red looks warmer
tongues fall apart
but you keep sitting at the table
that I crafted out of glass from the bottles that you emptied
pretend not to see the cracks and the shards beneath
nothing but fake smiles to disguise the despise in your eyes

When I excused for the nail that's stuck in my tongue what I excused? 
you replied: "There are words abound stuck in my lungs"
Stuck indeed, never relieved,
first a kitchen knife
then quick stabs through your chest,
words form a flood or is it just blood?
Deafening screams before you stop to breath,breathe
gaping cuts, now your eyes stay shut,
mine never opened 

Deafening screams, fell for whispers, eyes stay shut, never saw the distance.  I think the line I criticized earlier is appropriate, but maybe would work better elsewhere.  
Pretty good work, secondlanguages are fun!

[DerTomatenToaster]

Hi der!

I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

Empty boxes in the front yard
crafting shelves and a bed
inside of those stone brick walls
where I slowly forget those who kept me fed
and think only about who I met back then
dressed in black, woven silk
fell for whispers, but never saw the distance it feels like this first stanza is a setting, and this is too abstract to enhance the setting, maybe later when we get to know the narrator more
paint the walls with whatever comes to mind
tape the flowers to the wall, can't afford a vase
ashamed,
but you don't mind

When I excuse for the quiet excuse is like apology.  to excuse oneself from the table? the next time you say this sounds funny too.
take a blanket and dye it
red or green or whatever you prefer
to lie inside, 
to keep you warm, 
I guess red looks warmer
tongues fall apart
but you keep sitting at the table
that I crafted out of glass from the bottles that you emptied
pretend not to see the cracks and the shards beneath
nothing but fake smiles to disguise the despise in your eyes

When I excused for the nail that's stuck in my tongue what I excused? 
you replied: "There are words abound stuck in my lungs"
Stuck indeed, never relieved,
first a kitchen knife
then quick stabs through your chest,
words form a flood or is it just blood?
Deafening screams before you stop to breath,breathe
gaping cuts, now your eyes stay shut,
mine never opened 

Deafening screams, fell for whispers, eyes stay shut, never saw the distance.  I think the line I criticized earlier is appropriate, but maybe would work better elsewhere.  
Pretty good work, secondlanguages are fun!

I think it does kind of fit there, but at the same time you are right, that it doesn't really help with drawing an image of the setting. I'll think about it.
Thought you write "breath" and "breathe" the same way, thanks. ^^"
What I don't understand though is what your problem with the word "excuse" is. I don't see how it can't be used in those two lines.

Secondlanguages are fun? I guess languages you don't know at all are even more fun, had to laugh a little when you wrote "Hi der!" which translated to "He the!"

[Coquette16]

There are many great images here, and I became empathetic off and on throughout...but, the poem's coherence is lacking. I read and re-read your poem---first, as a whole, then line by line...and then again, as a whole. I have a few comments and I certainly think that what you have here is a strong core piece of material.

I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

Empty boxes in the front yard
crafting shelves and a bed
inside of those stone brick walls
where I slowly forget those who kept me fed
and think only about who I met back then    --> I this last part referring to a funeral/specific loved one who passed? It's inconclusive at this point.
dressed in black, woven silk
fell for whispers, but never saw the distance
paint the walls with whatever comes to mind
tape the flowers to the wall, can't afford a vase
ashamed,
but you don't mind   ---> who? The voice changes here---it's misleading and leaves the reader questioning--

When I excuse for the quiet
take a blanket and dye it     ---> forced rhyme?
red or green or whatever you prefer
to lie inside, 
to keep you warm, 
I guess red looks warmer
tongues fall apart     ---> maintain the diction here (the switch from more literal to a metaphor is random)
but you keep sitting at the table
that I crafted out of glass from the bottles that you emptied
pretend not to see the cracks and the shards beneath
nothing but fake smiles to disguise the despise in your eyes   ----> an after break-up scene or mourning? Great line with good rhythm.

When I excused for the nail that punctured my tongue   ----> back to the metaphor with the tongue; maintaining more simplicity would keep the                                                                                           overall voice of the poem consistent
you replied: "There are words abound stuck in my lungs"  ----> "abound" and "stuck" --contradictory language
Stuck indeed, never relieved,
first a kitchen knife
then quick stabs through your chest,
words form a flood or is it just blood?
Deafening screams before you stop to breathe,
gaping cuts, now your eyes stay shut,  ----> this escalated quickly! Intentional? Create a clearer closure and perhaps lessen the dramatics.
mine never opened

...and the title...Wondering if it should be something different, since I don't see the relevance.

[HaleINthewind]

I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

Empty boxes in the front yard
crafting shelves and a bed
inside of those stone brick walls
where I slowly forget those who kept me fed
and think only about who I met back then
dressed in black, woven silk Interesting the silk here as the above images speak of poverty but silk is a richer mans fabric.
fell for whispers, but never saw the distance I am lost on distance as well.
paint the walls with whatever comes to mind
tape the flowers to the wall, can't afford a vase
ashamed,
but you don't mind

When I excuse for the quiet
take a blanket and dye it
red or green or whatever you prefer I really like this from take to warmer.
to lie inside, 
to keep you warm, 
I guess red looks warmer
tongues fall apart
but you keep sitting at the table
that I crafted out of glass from the bottles that you emptied Strong image here. Maybe even the strongest. imo
pretend not to see the cracks and the shards beneath
nothing but fake smiles to disguise the despise in your eyes

When I excused for the nail that punctured my tongue
you replied: "There are words abound stuck in my lungs"
Stuck indeed, never relieved,
first a kitchen knife First? There may be something better. first seems out of place and confusing.
then quick stabs through your chest,
words form a flood or is it just blood? This is chilling like is this person finally letting things out of their chest or is the speaker murdering them and the speaker doesnt even know if speaker is stabbing somone. intense.
Deafening screams before you stop to breathe, I guess it was just words, bummer
gaping cuts, now your eyes stay shut,
mine never opened

Guten Tag der tomaten !

The title of this poem really caught my attention. Although after reading I am not sure why the walls are warmer I know the blanket is warmer. Is it from the blood? BLood would make walls warmer. Temporarily at least.  Your punctuation like a doughnut missing most its sprinkles. You have commas plopped about in some stanzas and then in your last stanza you finally have one question mark sentence ender. Should I be reading this as one long sentence until that point? If so I think that is cool and would work but the commas just seem to inconsistent to have purpose.

I really enjoyed this. You have a lot of good images here. The glass and crafting shelves into beds. My main suggestion is to go back over and work on the commmas and any punctuation if you decide to have any . Also if only using one end punctuation mark. Make sure it is at a transition point really highlighting something. Make it purposeful. Thanks for the read. I enjoyed it.

Chus!

[steentwy]

 am very new to all of this so I cant criticize too technically but I felt the emotion throughout and was able to visualise the story for the most part however a few lines seemed unclear to me and temporarily lost the imagery.


I Guess the Walls Look Warmer Now

Empty boxes in the front yard
crafting shelves and a bed
inside of those stone brick walls
where I slowly forget those who kept me fed
and think only about who I met back then
dressed in black, woven silk
fell for whispers, but never saw the distance ---------- the rest of this verse seems to lack clarity
paint the walls with whatever comes to mind
tape the flowers to the wall, can't afford a vase
ashamed,
but you don't mind

When I excuse for the quiet
take a blanket and dye it
red or green or whatever you prefer
to lie inside, 
to keep you warm, 
I guess red looks warmer
tongues fall apart
but you keep sitting at the table
that I crafted out of glass from the bottles that you emptied
pretend not to see the cracks and the shards beneath
nothing but fake smiles to disguise the despise in your eyes

When I excused for the nail that punctured my tongue --------this line too seems strange to me
you replied: "There are words abound stuck in my lungs"
Stuck indeed, never relieved, 
first a kitchen knife
then quick stabs through your chest,
words form a flood or is it just blood?
Deafening screams before you stop to breathe,
gaping cuts, now your eyes stay shut,
mine never opened