message from roachland

[kolemath]

edit3.1
message from roachland

you say we flatten 
ourselves but nothing is
two dimensional
you can’t see the inside
of your wall
you can’t see our scent 
trails like bread crumbs
sprinkled by our clan ahiss

when the floor vibrations smooth at night
we glide by light of memory
as midnight thirst stirs you awake
our worlds collide

black safe zone raid
light switch terror scatter
splatter water glass shatter
chase 
escapes
wriggle into corridors of baseboards 
byways through space 

before and after
95% of species never see
that 5% you’ll never squish

 

edit 2

from roachland

 

you say we flatten 
ourselves but nothing is
two dimensional
your wall isn’t flat
my clan ahiss inside
you can’t sense our scent 
trails like bread crumbs
from the drain to the dog food
your seismic steps across the hall
forbid our nervous systems show 
but floor vibrations smooth at night
when safe to socialize the room 
invisibles crawl along memories of light
midnight thirst stirs you awake
to raid our black safe zone
light switch terror 
quaking steps
scatter us like water of a broken glass 
into corridors of baseboards 
byways through space and time 
before and after 95% of species 
never witnessing
that 5% you’ll never squish


edit 1
you say I flatten 
myself but nothing is
two dimensional
you can’t see
the inside of your wall
you can’t see
my scent trails like bread crumbs
you can’t
see my clan ahiss
until the floor vibrations smooth
and you awake with midnight thirst
to raid the black safe zone of our day
with electricity and newspaper swats
scattering us 
back into corridors of baseboards 
byways through space before and after
95% of species 
that 5% you’ll never squish
 
 



first draft
you say I flatten myself
but what is two dimensional?
the other side of your wall
my hissing clan at rest
until the floor reverberations smooth
TV glow we know
corridors of baseboards
byways through this space before and after
95% of species
that 5% you miss

 

[Brownlie]

I owe you a critique, but I'm not sure what to tell  you here. Usually only good for some prepositional pruning. 

you say I flatten myself
but what is two dimensional?
the other side of your wall
my hissing clan at rest -- hissing clan has got the c and s thing going, so that works. If they're hissing though, are they at rest? Plus at rest is redundant. Rest means the same thing right? at rest might sound better though.
until the floor reverberations smooth
TV glow we know
corridors of baseboards
byways through this space before and after - This is probably my favorite part. Them crawling around in wall/floor space. 
95% of species
that 5% you miss -- I'm confused.

My expectation is for the roaches to be a metaphor here. I think I'm probably missing something obvious. My only advice that may be useful is to avoid the phrase "at rest."

[Achebe]

you say I flatten myself
but what is two dimensional?
the other side of your wall
my hissing clan at rest ... incomplete sentence?
until the floor reverberations smooth .... I am struggling to understand the literal meaning of these lines 
TV glow we know
corridors of baseboards
byways through this space before and after
95% of species
that 5% you miss

Hi kole - this one read to me like a bunch of disjointed sentences. Unless there's a compelling argument from beauty, I think a poem needs to make sense when written out without the line breaks. 
So while I got the oblique reference to roaches surviving the Permian extinction + 'surviving' pest control generally, it's not clear to me why the point couldn't have been made with punctuation and sentence structure within the poetic form.

[kolemath]

Thanks for the comments brown and Achebe. I kept cutting words in this one, perhaps at the expense of meaning

[kolemath]

posted an edit. trying to draw out character more and make sentences less disjointed. to achebe's point on punctuation, i thought mechanics was inappropriate for the subject matter. i'm trying to strip human likenesses from the poem's speaker, a roach. not sure if that's working..

[Lizzie]

It does read more clearly like it's about roaches now. I'm spending a lot of time following down the rabbit hole of 'nothing is two dimensional' and I don't know if that's a good sign or not. I guess I would like to see that idea developed a bit more since I keep trying to make some kind of deep, philosophical meaning out of it, and I'd like to think it's not all for naught. Ha.

I understand your ending to mean that there will always be some roaches left behind, that 5% that you just can't kill. This idea also seems rich with potential for another line or so, fleshing out that thought. I can see why you'd be trying to correlate this to some kind of human image.

I think that what you have here is good, I just want more, basically. But, I do understand that you're trying to stay with the show and not with the tell, so....take it for what it's worth.

Hope this helps,

lizziep

[Brownlie]

This poem has metamorphosed (is that the right way to use that word, idk).  I like the parts where its just about what the roaches are doing. Of course, I'll keep at it with my pruning. Your the chief of this thing, so obviously won't be offended if you ignore some suggestions here.

edit 1
you say I flatten 
myself but nothing is
two dimensional
you can't see -- I think these first four lines are not your strongest. Perhaps consider deleting.
the inside of your wall -- You could do your wall's insides. However sometimes the prepositions could be preferred.
you can’t see -- Not your strongest line consider deleting.
my scent trails like bread crumbs -- I'm a big fan of this line. I'd keep it. 
you can’t -- I'd delete. 
see my clan ahiss - ahiss = valiant effort. I still like hissing clan. sound justifies it for me. 
until the floor vibrations smooth -- This line is confusing.
and you awake with midnight thirst
to raid the safe zone of our black day -- prune this line. There're too many prepositions.
with electricity and newspaper swats -- Newspaper swats= great detail. Light switch I could take or leave
scattering us with newspaper swats -- the scattering with newspaper idea is great. i'd keep it but only mention it once.
back into corridors of baseboards - like this. 
byways through space before and after -- only need wallspace mentioned once in my opinion.
95% of species 
that 5% you’ll never squish -- This idea is cool, but I like the idea of a day in the life of roaches better. i.e. my scent trails like bread crumbs, you awake with midnight thirst to raid our day, scattering us with newspaper swats, back into the baseboards. etc.
 
 

 



first draft
you say I flatten myself
but what is two dimensional?
the other side of your wall
my hissing clan at rest
until the floor reverberations smooth
TV glow we know
corridors of baseboards
byways through this space before and after
95% of species
that 5% you miss

[Todd]

Hi Kole, 

This is the first thing I've read in a while that I've enjoyed.  Thanks for that. A few comments below:

edit 1
you say I flatten 
myself but nothing is--great opening line love the break on is with line 2. I toyed with suggesting cutting myself but still like it enough to keep it.
two dimensional
you can’t see--Cosnider bringing the inside up to end this line. It would add a layer of meaning and work well.
the inside of your wall
you can’t see--if you bring up my scent to end this line it would be more interesting.
my scent trails like bread crumbs
you can’t--this line seems weak.
see my clan ahiss--I like ahiss. I also think if you make the scent change above this would provide parallel structure hearing/sight.
until the floor vibrations smooth
and you awake with midnight thirst--midnight thirst is lovely but your break should be on awake.
to raid the black safe zone of our day--nice
with electricity and newspaper swats--need more roach terms for elictricy and newspaper swats less human sounding more simple, more primal.
scattering us 
back into corridors of baseboards--don't like back
byways through space before and after
95% of species 
that 5% you’ll never squish
 

I hope some of that helped. 

Best,

Todd

[kolemath]

thanks for the comments on the edits! edit 2 is available for further newspaper beatings.

@lizziep - i'm think flat along the lines of a flat character in a story. i added a line to bring that out more (i hope)
@brown - kafka would be proud of your comments. thanks for the suggestions on pruning and on how the poem is bookended. i'm hoping the commentary which opens and closes the piece zooms out the meaning from just a roach to something more. maybe this isn't working..
@todd - i'm glad to have you back for a critique. your comments on line breaks were helpful. i tried to clean up boring lines.

[Todd]

For me this last edit lost the spark and is a definite step backwards. It could just be me of course.

[kolemath]

Thanks for letting me know, Todd. Sometimes a detour can lead to nowhere =_=

[kolemath]

tried to reign it in a bit..

photon memories might be a bit much, but how else to say that roaches store photons in their bodies to help them see at night?

hmmm

[Todd]

Photon memories is a cool idea but feels out of place with the other language. We glide on the memory of light or the recollection of light, or on droplets of light or droplets of remembered light. Just some ideas to get you thinking.

[kolemath]

i like droplet, thanks

some light tinkering posted but not a new edit

[kolemath]

edit 3.1 apost

[Achebe]

kole - the piece has improved dramatically. Credit to you.
I particularly liked:

when the floor vibrations smooth at night
we glide by light of memory
as midnight thirst stirs you awake
our worlds collide

[mitsuch]

Enjoyed the poem, lighthearted yet true to the heart.
In terms of lines I just felt that the poem lost me somewhere in the middle but then definitely picked it back up in the end, ill put them down -
we glide by light of memory
as midnight thirst stirs you awake
our worlds collide - now i can see what youre trying to say here, but I think its losing the meaning of the first few stanzas. Youre talking of how the roaches are there in the walls and the crumbs etc, and then saying that the roaches and we collide purely at midnight, now this I can see that youre saying its our head on collision, however the wording actually threw off the little light hearted tone, and "worlds colliding" made it seem dooming if you understand what I mean. Now that may be your intention, if so, great.

Now I SERIOUSLY enjoyed this stanza -
black safe zone raid
light switch terror scatter
splatter water glass shatter
chase
escape
wriggle into corridors of baseboards
byways through space - Great job on the format and wording, really enjoyed it.

[kolemath]

@achebe: thanks for the multiple reads

@mitsuch: thanks for stopping in and for critiquing S2. i'll give it further thought

[Todd]

Love where this is going Kole. Only call outs from me are "ourselves" in L2 (possible cut) and the last two lines feel a bit choppy.

[Lizzie]

Liking the new title. It sets up a feeling of foreboding as well as casting the last lines as a statement of defiance.