message from roachland

[Bueller]

Hi, kolemath. I think this is the best version so far. Unique, if disturbing topic.

edit3.1
message from roachland

you say we flatten 
ourselves but nothing is
two dimensional
you can’t see the inside
of your wall
you can’t see our scent 
trails like bread crumbs
sprinkled by our clan ahiss --I like ahiss. I think it should be set off from the line a little bit though with some white space around it. That way it could combine with this sentence or the next if it was right in the middle.

when the floor vibrations smooth at night
we glide by light of memory
as midnight thirst stirs you awake
our worlds collide

black safe zone raid
light switch terror scatter
splatter water glass shatter
chase
escapes -- 'chase' and 'escapes' fall flat for me, since the action of the first three lines of the stanza is so intense. They almost feels like brainstorming markers where you outline what you want to say in a specific spot, but they never got fleshed out.
wriggle into corridors of baseboards 
byways through space 

before and after -- Don't quite get this line. I'm sure it's me, but just being honest.
95% of species never see
that 5% you’ll never squish

 

edit 2

from roachland

 

you say we flatten 
ourselves but nothing is
two dimensional
your wall isn’t flat
my clan ahiss inside
you can’t sense our scent 
trails like bread crumbs
from the drain to the dog food
your seismic steps across the hall
forbid our nervous systems show 
but floor vibrations smooth at night
when safe to socialize the room 
invisibles crawl along memories of light
midnight thirst stirs you awake
to raid our black safe zone
light switch terror 
quaking steps
scatter us like water of a broken glass 
into corridors of baseboards 
byways through space and time 
before and after 95% of species 
never witnessing
that 5% you’ll never squish


edit 1
you say I flatten 
myself but nothing is
two dimensional
you can’t see
the inside of your wall
you can’t see
my scent trails like bread crumbs
you can’t
see my clan ahiss
until the floor vibrations smooth
and you awake with midnight thirst
to raid the black safe zone of our day
with electricity and newspaper swats
scattering us 
back into corridors of baseboards 
byways through space before and after
95% of species 
that 5% you’ll never squish
 
 



first draft
you say I flatten myself
but what is two dimensional?
the other side of your wall
my hissing clan at rest
until the floor reverberations smooth
TV glow we know
corridors of baseboards
byways through this space before and after
95% of species
that 5% you miss

 

Cool poem, enjoyed the read.

Luke

[kolemath]

thanks for the read, luke, especially for S3. i keep hammering on that final stanza; it's given more than just you some issues...chisel's still out