No Cope to Hope

[djNasty]

I'm a sapling with deep roots,
Half grown and half aware.
I'm a shiny gun that won't shoot.
I’m a feather in the air.

I'm a rebel with a soft heart,
Teetering on the edge,
Dreaming is my lost art, but
I’m too indecisive to go to bed.

Sometimes I can’t handle a thing,
No matter what is true.
Self-flagellation tends to cling,
Been stoned for a year or two.

I have masks for every occasion,
I add one every week,
And a knack for fornication,
But my love is yours to keep.

I'll tell you what you want to hear
And nothing in between.
I keep my love for boozing near,
And act out your favorite scene.

My mouth is a violent hair trigger.
Don’t worry I’m on your side.
And as my confidence grows bigger,
I’ll run out of things to hide.

I’m scared of being too clever,
And lose sight of you and me.
I’m two steps in front of the mirror
And don’t recognize what I see.

[rowens]

The lines seem only connected in a rhyming logic. If it rhymes it must make sense and be legitimate. Like it was made to happen just like that. That's the main flaw of the poem. The good rhyme feeling, it's not always as good as it seems.

[cvanshelton]

Hi djNasty. Overall the poem didn't work too well for me, because I couldn't really get a sense of direction from it. Maybe it was just an exercise in vulnerability - just putting yourself out there with all your flaws and stuff? That can be a tough thing to do. You might want to try just taking one aspect of yourself and then expand on it - that will focus the writing more, and it will actually be more intimate. But then I may be missing the boat entirely. Below, I have highlighted some things I liked.

I'm a sapling with deep roots,
Half grown and half aware.
I'm a shiny gun that won't shoot.
I’m a feather in the air.

I'm a rebel with a soft heart,
Teetering on the edge,
Dreaming is my lost art, but
I’m too indecisive to go to bed.

Sometimes I can’t handle a thing,
No matter what is true.
Self-flagellation tends to cling,
Been stoned for a year or two.

I have masks for every occasion,
I add one every week,
And a knack for fornication,
But my love is yours to keep.

I'll tell you what you want to hear
And nothing in between.
I keep my love for boozing near,
And act out your favorite scene.

My mouth is a violent hair trigger.
Don’t worry I’m on your side.
And as my confidence grows bigger,
I’ll run out of things to hide.

I’m scared of being too clever,
And lose sight of you and me.
I’m two steps in front of the mirror
And don’t recognize what I see.

[HopeVictoria56]

I'm a sapling with deep roots,
Half grown and half aware.
I'm a shiny gun that won't shoot.
I’m a feather in the air.

I'm a rebel with a soft heart,
Teetering on the edge,
Dreaming is my lost art, but
I’m too indecisive to go to bed.

Sometimes I can’t handle a thing,
No matter what is true.
Self-flagellation tends to cling,
Been stoned for a year or two.

I have masks for every occasion,
I add one every week,
And a knack for fornication,
But my love is yours to keep.

I'll tell you what you want to hear
And nothing in between.
I keep my love for boozing near,
And act out your favorite scene.

My mouth is a violent hair trigger.
Don’t worry I’m on your side.
And as my confidence grows bigger,
I’ll run out of things to hide.

I’m scared of being too clever,
And lose sight of you and me.
I’m two steps in front of the mirror
And don’t recognize what I see.

I see a poem about a person who is still growing and trying to find himself.  Maybe he loved a girl but has gone away to school and is finding independence in partying and sleeping around because it's fun.  It sounds like he doesn't reveal his true, more tender-hearted self, to many people; Preferring rather to test out different masks on different people.    I think you could test out writing a poem about one aspect of yourself and add interesting imagery to it.  The poem you've got here was probably a cathartic write for you because you were  spilling yourself out onto paper, but try zoning in and not being so broad.  Also try not to be so "this has to rhyme" in order for it to sound right.  I think you've got good potential.

[maximuswolf]

I actually like many parts of it, but I don't like the first stanza, just feels out of place or not the right way to start this. The third stanza doesn't do much for me either. Some of the others are more catching. Some stanzas just seem to repeat the same thing in a different way...  

I'm a rebel with a soft heart,
Teetering on the edge,
Dreaming is my lost art, but
I’m too indecisive to go to bed.  { indecisive doesn't work for me here... why are you indecisive ...think I would prefer to know why....scared, sad, wired, excited, high.....

[j.l.dean]

First let me say , you have the dubious honor of being my first critique. Let me also say I'm an AMERICAN, I live in AMERICA , please don't hold this against me. I'm here because, I needed a different perspective on PROSE... ok , RE: No Cope to Hope...this is good...if it were a resume , I feel your....describing yourself... It leaves me wanting..., for more , your just scratching the surface..., deeper , deeper. Say what you don't want to say , then say it again , that being said...your kind of talking about me , thank you , good read...jd

[operadiva]

After reading this, and the thoughts others have posted, I have to agree with the use of rhyming. I am all for rhyming, but it needs to add to the poem. In this case it feels like you had to pick words in order to rhyme, instead of just writing. I really like some of the descriptions and images you used, 'I’m two steps in front of the mirror And don’t recognize what I see.' especially! Something about that was very tangible and easy to relate to. A lot of good things happening, I just wanted more direction, as the reader. I get all this detailed and intimate knowledge of the subject, but then at the end you say you don't recognize the reflection. so was the whole poem a description of the reflection you don't recognize, or is the description how you used to be as you realize you've changed? I don't know, its something to think about.  

Thank you for your time and energy

[89layers]

Hi,

The poem is a little confusing to me in some of the imagery. I agree with most all the other critiques here. What is the meaning of the line
"I'm a shiny gun that won't shoot?"

I did identify myself and my husband in much of the poem so it is definitely relatable. I think you're  working with a good concept.

My favorite line:

I keep my love for boozing near,
And act out your favorite scene.

[3zu]

dj, I am going to run trail on only the first verse, what is true of the first verse is true of the rest of the piece in tone & presentation & heart, if nothing else.

This invocation begins with a transformation, the first of four, 3 in the first verse, one in the second - the sapling is not a sapling but "I'm a sapling" - "with deep roots" - the poet admits he is "half grown" & "half aware" and the deep roots go deeper as the poet now transforms into a "shiny gun", an image packed with baggage which the poet dispels with the words, "that won't shoot", the gun is harmless but not devoid of nor incapable of action. Which brings us to our third transformation - "I'm a feather in the air", we have gone from the young tree & the roots of same, by way of the gun, to the avian realm, all in the first verse and all in 24 words - not shabby at all, dj, indeed, an act of power - the feather is not fallen on the ground but "in the air", above things, and subject no longer to roots & place but to the wind - the poet has now given sign for the reader to follow where he or she will as they travel the rest of the writing -

Enjoyed dj - Thx

[FilthyDeluxe]

It's I read this through a few times, each time I picked up more resonance. The 1st two verses work really well and I like the youthfulness of eating to try but feeling apprehension.