Mirror Mirror

[Mikeodial]

[Image: https://monasterydotme2.files.wordpress....002898.jpg]

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Long since busted by those who can see through me,
With the special vision, reserved for God,
And those who glimpse my soul,
On an all too regular basis.
 
Busted. Now the imperfections are not just a little dot or blemish,
In need of cleaning with some sparkly Windex or similar,
I have become unclear to myself,
Unseeing what others see,
Obfuscating the obvious.
 
Busted. So what to do, now the real halo is exposed,
Reflect, pray, change.
All is possible, but this seems now a terrible,
Long look in the rear view mirror,
Which shows all which looked nice to me.
 
For what now is clear.

Hey, mike, it's been 5 days, 6 members have given you critiques and you haven't left even one for someone else, what's up with that? Please correct the imbalance. Thanks, ella

[next]

About that image:
You need to use "img", "/img" not "image" and the "..." needs to be filled in,
like this:

Code:

[img]https://monasterydotme2.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/broken-l1002898.jpg[/img]

Also your image needs to be equal-to or less than 600 pixels wide by 600 pixels high and yours is 4928 by 3264.
There are many free resizers on the web, here's one: http://resizeimage.net/

Or you could just upload it to a free account on  https://postimage.org/  like the one in the P.S. below that I resized and put on my free account.
 postimg.org 's uploader has a resizer built in so you can upload and resize at the same time.
 (But postimg's  resizer has only a few fixed sizes and I had to use resizeimage's to get the 600x400 for your image.)

Hope that helps.

P.S. But for a quick fix, you can use this one:  https://s6.postimg.org/5jqgbhs5d/broken600x400.jpg
But remember to put it in like this:

Code:

[img]https://s6.postimg.org/5jqgbhs5d/broken600x400.jpg[/img]

[Alic Elliot]

This is an interesting topic, and it could be great. It just needs a little work, in my opinion.

I'd make the “Busted" in stanzas 2 and 3 lines of there own. It seems there should be a pause between “Busted" and the next sentence, at least to me.

eric_never covered the “obfuscating the obvious" thing. Maybe “obscuring the obvious" instead?

“For what now is clear" This is just bad to read aloud.. Choppy and its not great grammar. Maybe switch the words around a bit? “For what is now clear", instead? If you did that on purpose, I get why.

That's all I have for critique.

[LunaDeLore]

[Image: https://monasterydotme2.files.wordpress....002898.jpg]

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,     ----------------> I understand what you're doing in this line but beginning with an old cliche is a turn off.
Long since busted by those who can see through me, -----> you may consider dropping "can" "those who see through me" could be enough, really.
With the special vision, reserved for God, -----> this line and the next three work okay
And those who glimpse my soul,
On an all too regular basis.
 
Busted. Now the imperfections are not just a little dot or blemish, ------> "a" is what seems unsettling here. Maybe something like " not just little dots or blemishes"
In need of cleaning with some sparkly Windex or similar, -----> this line is over keel after all it does need more than cleaning
I have become unclear to myself
Unseeing what others see,
Obfuscating the obvious.
 
Busted. So what to do, now the real halo is exposed,
Reflect, pray, change. ----- is this a statement or a question?
All is possible, but this seems now a terrible,
Long look in the rear view mirror,
Which shows all which looked nice to me.
 
For what now is clear.

Hi Mike,

I was able to view the image even though tag is malformed, and I think what you're attempting to do with this piece is neat.... I hope my feedback will assist you in revision.

Luna

[ellz483]

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,     Not sure I really like the use of the cliche/fairytale line. The rest of the poem is not about vanity, but rather self-deprecation.
Long since busted by those who can see through me, "busted by those" is too passive... also, I think giving readers more insight about the ones who busted through the speaker would make the overall interpretation a lot more clear. 
With the special vision, reserved for God,   <---- maybe something like "they peer into me with vision reserved for God"
And those who glimpse my soul,
On an all too regular basis.
 
I wonder if you could go into something about how the speaker had to first break free of outside opinion, in order to take a hard look at him/herself. Try achieving this in one, concise stanza that doesn't get too into longwinded-ness about cleaning products. 

[Lizzie]

Hey, Mike   I have a couple of thoughts for you.

[Image: https://monasterydotme2.files.wordpress....002898.jpg]

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Long since busted by those who can see through me,
With the special vision, reserved for God,
And those who glimpse my soul,
On an all too regular basis. -- 'on a regular basis' is a commonly used phrase, and I think it boarders on cliche here. I would try to freshen this up with some new language.
 
Busted. Now the imperfections are not just a little dot or blemish,
In need of cleaning with some sparkly Windex or similar, -- I like sparkly Windex, but I would lose 'or similar' as I don't think it adds anything.
I have become unclear to myself,
Unseeing what others see,
Obfuscating the obvious. -- I would cut these two lines, since the ending image of looking in the rear view mirror covers this topic much more evocatively. I feel like this is too much telling and reduces the impact of the showing which comes later. Also, I don't like the way obfuscating sounds. That's a tough one to get the tongue to glide over.
 
Busted. So what to do, now the real halo is exposed, -- I don't understand 'real halo.' What does this real halo consist of? How does it differ from regular ones?
Reflect, pray, change. -- I would actually leave out the easy resolution. I think that the poem has much more impact exploring the idea of becoming unclear to oneself, and there's not usually an easy fix for this in life, and I think that this struggle will resonate with people much more than the prescription here. It takes us too soon out of the tension and then you try to revive the tension in the next lines, and I don't think it works. This could be the focus on its own poem, but I don't think it fits here.
All is possible, but this seems now a terrible, -- I'd take out 'all is possible' too and just focus in on the struggle of the speaker.
Long look in the rear view mirror, -- I think this is a wonderful image -- I'd leverage this metaphor.
Which shows all which looked nice to me. -- the content here is good, I just don't like the repetition of 'which.' And 'nice' is a little weak. I think you could choose a word that has a little bit more emotional oomph.
 
For what now is clear. -- This is a question, yes? I'd put a question mark at the end. I love ending with questions.

Hope that helps some

lizziep