Sunburnt

[poet-rice]

sunburnt

Sandcastle battlements persuade
seaweed spatters to embark, teeth bleed,
when torrent sung sharks parade the dark, to graft.

Fin cascades, push blank shores like blades.
Choke reefs in tank drawers, inhale

the still kerosene gleans, flood and wade
the salt flat damages, persuade cliffs of greed,
then fuck in agitation, sunburnt complexions.

Sand spade splays, dive manmade plastic blades, this war
pledged fauna to grave. Salt taste divides push ores,

motioned past populations, ripples, flowered from electric ray waves,
drown starved. Poseidon averts his trident gaze to
pebbled tides, sifts water, watches dead, leisures to splash.

Head damages pleat to drawn curtain yawns, filled lungs withdraw,
driven winded in descent,

sun semantics reprieve the screensaver beach palms. Day
done currents swell to stays, 
wave pool ravages gash

drunk sharks, shadows in drawbridge
circles, eye battlements faded in the hour dry cement.

[Alic Elliot]

sunburnt

Sandcastle battlements persuade
seaweed spatters to embark, teeth bleed,
when torrent sung sharks parade the dark, to graft.

Fin cascades, push blank shores like blades.
Choke reefs in tank drawers, inhale
Take out the commas and it's much more pleasing to read, while still fitting with the first verse.
the still kerosene gleans, flood and wade
the salt flat damages, persuade cliffs of greed,
then fuck in agitation, sunburnt complexions.
“Then fuck in agitation" Well, that escalated quickly. It's not bad, though. 
Sand spade splays, dive manmade plastic blades, this war
pledged fauna to grave. Salt taste divides push ores,
The alliteration here is a bit of a tongue twister, I stumbled over it reading aloud (But that may be just me, I have a stutter). Also, I'd put “salt taste push ores" in the next line.
motioned past populations, ripples, flowered from electric ray waves,
drown starved. Poseidon averts his trident gaze to
pebbled tides, sifts water, watches dead, leisures to splash.

Head damages pleat to drawn curtain yawns, filled lungs withdraw,
driven winded in descent,

sun semantics reprieve the screensaver beach palms. Day
done currents swell to stays, 
wave pool ravages gash
These two phrases ↑ ↓ seem like they can condense into one.
drunk sharks, shadows in drawbridge
circles, eye battlements faded in the hour dry cement.

Overall, I think it's a little choppy, and punctuation could be used better. But, other than that, I think it's really good. My personal opinion is that wording could be changed a little bit. Also, the imagery I get is a little weird, but again, that's probably just me.

[Wex]

My main problem is that it's a little wordy and needs some trimming and tightening up. You have a good idea but the alliteration device draws attention to itself, I'm literally being banged over the head with it which in my opinion is very off putting. I t comes across as trying too hard. I don't mean to sound harsh- just my opinion.

Good luck with the rewrite

[homer1950]

Hey Poet-Rice,

One thing about the mild critique and probably most forum critique is we find ourselves agreeing with the previous takes on the poems. Here to I find myself in that boat. That is to say I agree with the last two critiques, however I would like to add that I found the use of the word Fuck out of place. You did a great job of expressing yourself minus any real course language, then all the sudden a random Fuck. I do not think it is necessary your words are coming through nicely without it. Just a thought nice work. 

sunburnt

Sandcastle battlements persuade
seaweed spatters to embark, teeth bleed,
when torrent sung sharks parade the dark, to graft.

Fin cascades, push blank shores like blades.
Choke reefs in tank drawers, inhale

the still kerosene gleans, flood and wade
the salt flat damages, persuade cliffs of greed,
then fuck in agitation, sunburnt complexions.

Sand spade splays, dive manmade plastic blades, this war
pledged fauna to grave. Salt taste divides push ores,

motioned past populations, ripples, flowered from electric ray waves,
drown starved. Poseidon averts his trident gaze to
pebbled tides, sifts water, watches dead, leisures to splash.

Head damages pleat to drawn curtain yawns, filled lungs withdraw,
driven winded in descent,

sun semantics reprieve the screensaver beach palms. Day
done currents swell to stays, 
wave pool ravages gash

drunk sharks, shadows in drawbridge
circles, eye battlements faded in the hour dry cement.