To You, 100,000 Years From Now.

[Slix343]

"Lie here in bed, lifeless man of the moon.
Gentle hand on my arm.
They knew I'd hear voices but not this soon.
Yet he, even here, to bring me harm."

Time Time Time

"Your frame so bright, eye cannot pursue.
Iron muse, to the blackness of space.
Oh preface! You hear the voices too?
Twenty armed men not a single escaped."

Time Time Time

"Clear cup to my lips and let list my mind.
Your challenge you see, your immortal mistake.
And as you grow I am left behind.
You know these gifts, don't return what they take."

Please Try Try Try

"Don't mistake my meaning, I wish you the best.
But knowing you're human has made me depressed."

[QDeathstar]

"Lie here in bed, lifeless man of the moon."
"Gentle hand on my arm."
"They knew I'd hear voices but not this soon."
"Yet he, even here, to bring me harm."

Honestly, my first thought on the title is "who cares about 100,000 years from now". The opening stanza didn't do much to address the issue. Im not sure any of these lines work together. Im not getting any cohesion. I guess I really am lost in space. "Yet he, even here, to bring me harm" ? I feel like we are missing 3-4 words here.
Time Time Time

"Your frame so bright, eye cannot pursue."
"Iron muse, to the blackness of space."
"Oh preface! You hear the voices too?"
"Twenty armed men not a single escaped."
I guess your style is to collect phrases from different people speaking. But for me, it comes accross as crowded bar noise. I was going to stop reading here, but kept going hoping i was missing something.

Time Time Time

"Clear cup to my lips and let list my mind."
"Your challenge you see, your immortal mistake."
"And as you grow I am left behind."
"You know these gifts, don't return what they take."

Please Try Try Try

"Don't mistake my meaning, I wish you the best."
"But knowing you're human has made me depressed."

ending on a rhyme makes the poem feel like it is meant to be a joke. But it wasn't funny in any way I can see. I just dont get this poem. Thanks for sharing.

[kolemath]

I like P's idea about connecting different people's voices. How might you capitalize on this suggestion? Make the voices more distinct and diverse? For what it's worth, I liked the title. -kole

[Slix343]

"Lie here in bed, lifeless man of the moon.
Gentle hand on my arm.
They knew I'd hear voices but not this soon.
Yet He, even here, to bring me harm."

Time Time Time

"Your frame so bright, eye cannot pursue.
Iron muse, to the blackness of space.
Oh preface! You hear the voices too?
Twenty armed men not a single escaped."

Time Time Time

"Clear cup to my lips and let list my mind.
Your challenge you see, your immortal mistake.
And as you grow I am left behind.
You know these gifts, don't return what they take."

Please Try Try Try

"Don't mistake my meaning, I wish you the best.
But knowing you're human has made me depressed."

Alright I have made a few changes. Mainly regarding the quotations making it more certain this is one voice. The style of poem I have written is in the form of an English Sonnet. Where the rhyme scheme is AbAb CdCd EfEf Gg. The way an English sonnet is meant to work is that there is an inflating action, where the speaker is talking up more and more about their lover. Then at the end there is a deflation or twist where the last two lines put a different spin on what has been read.

In regards to the section "Yet He, even here, to bring me harm." is a reference to the saying attributed to the Grim Reaper. "Even in Arcadia, I am." Or sometimes said. "Even in Arcadia I exist." The statement being that even in paradise death is certain.

[QDeathstar]

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-18879.html

Thanks, I merged the novice and mild threads, ella