Too Much Coffee edit 1

[kolemath]

Edit 1 (was 'too much coffee')

Café Mania

 
Alarm clock ringing
out
first light

groggy                         groaning
foggily 
 
O.K.
let me              get
up
dressed     drive
 
coffee house                park    
 
            “I’ll have the dark roast please.”

Sip. Slow. Sip. Move. Sip. Go!

And now it’s on with the day and I’m turned on full blast to dart to desks and race and dance trumpets ringing eardrum and skim time rushing and flashing precision like a laser on the screen and sprinting cheetah hunting paper work and heart pounding ten times the seconds to day shift done
 
Until
night               shift
slugging       slouching with
another
 
             “Cup of dark roast please.”

Sip. Slow. Sip. Move. Sip. Go!
 
And now it’s on with the night and neon light buzz and I blaze through the night like a lightning bolt through a tree and blare at the work like a tuba underwater and blurp blurping big bubbles of progress then night shift done and then home for the night and that dark roast sure does have me awake and ready to blazerace through (what now?) through my sleep time that’s what and I won’t sleep until past midnight which leads past REM and back
 
To       
wake               up
to         drink up
another day again
 


Thanks to everyone for the valuable feedback (@rogo, @AR, @liz).  I've tried to make the shapes of sections more consistent in their exhaustion and mania, mainly in line spacing/breaks.  I feel like the poem is too much (crazy) for punctuation (except for the dialogue, which is meant to capture surface-level composure, (punctuation included).











Too much Coffee
 
The day
 
begins
 
Grog
 
RRMPFF
 
O.K.
let me              get
 
up
 
And
 
dressed     drive
 
park     at the coffee house
 
            “I’ll have the dark roast please.”
And                 now
it’s
 
on with the day as I skim time
rushing and darting precision
like a laser on the screen
a cheetah hunting paper work
heart pounding ten times the seconds until
Day shift done
 
But
the night
shift
comes
with                 it
 
another
 
“Cup of dark roast please.” And  
I blaze through the night like a bolt through a tree
blare through the work like a tuba underwater
blurp blurping big bubbles of progress then back
home for the night and that dark roast sure does have me
awake and ready to blareblazerace through
 
what?
 
Through my sleep time, that’s what, won’t sleep
until past midnight which leads past REM and back into 
 
wake            up
to
drink               up
 
another
                        day

[Rogo]

There are several aspects of this poem which work really well. The contrast of the plain style in the pre-coffee passages with the polysyllabic sentences in the post-coffee ones is effective. I also like how the progression of events is represented in each mental state. Both parts seem to imply a transition from one event to the next without ever actually stating it. What's great about this, though, is how different each approach is. One has a sort of stop-and-go effect while the other has events quickly flowing into each other (done to a large extent by omitting punctuation). 

However, I have two concerns I would like to express.

The first is in "a cheetah hunting paper work." While I appreciate the humor here, the image of a cheetah is too prevalent of a symbol for speed. The same could also be said about the image of the laser being a symbol for precision. These passages certainly aren't poem-breakers, but maybe you could think of replacing them with something more unique?

The second, more important, concern is the use of whitespace in the pre-coffee passages. It seems to be over-utilized throughout the poem and almost unnecessary in light of my first statement. You should consider a more subtle approach — try lessening the amount of it. 



The relationship of people with coffee is a situation most of us can relate to. Its universality is wonderful due to its widespread appeal, yet it is this which makes discussing it cumbersome. Why? Because we are forced to approach a familiar topic in a new light.

Great art requires the element of surprise. I went in expecting an extensive use of whitespace after reading the title, and I found just that. Some expectations are meant to be met, though it's how we meet them (and how many of them are met) that can make or break a work of art. Perhaps you could use this expectation of whitepace as a strength in your poem by finding a new and creative way to use it? 

There is a lot of potential here. Exceed expectations!

[Magpie]

Hi Kolemath, another interesting concept that you've got here. I note that the use of 'white space' in your last poem was not a one night stand for the sake of being adventurous and indeed it is back just as white and just as spacious in this poem. 

Too much Coffee
 
The day
 
begins
 
Grog -- I understand that in the latter part of your poem you dispense with punctuation altogether to help illustrate the haphazardly maniakick feeling of the caffeine hit which I agree is a good idea. But for this device to work really well in this poem I feel as though there should an opposite or contrast, if the whole poem doesn't give a sweet eff about punctuation then it all risks becoming a crazy mess. Actually, just looking at the whole poem in terms of 'white space' it looks the most crazy and disorganised at the times when you haven't had any caffeine. I would reverse the whole look... you want to be able to use the sharp short choppy lines for the caffeine and have the longer languid lines for the lethargic moments. Anyway, I'll get back to the critique that I was about to do. I actually raised the punctuation issue because 'Grog' was capitalised so I presume 'The day begins" is a sentence, which doesn't work for me. Perhaps think about using 'groggily' or 'grogginess'
 
RRMPFF  -- If this is meant to be onomatopoeic, then you really must try harder to come up with a sound. For some bizarre reason I actually 'googled' it and found a Mr. Rumpff living in Holland.
 
O.K.
let me              get
 
up
 
And
 
dressed     drive
 
park     at the coffee house
 
            “I’ll have the dark roast please.”
And                 now
it’s
 
on with the day as I skim time -- Right, this is the part where you should be getting a chance to mess with syntax creatively to give that manic feel... You could of had something like
And   now  it's on!
The day is on,
it's on with the day
me
skimming time
rushing
darting
me
a precision laser
rushing and darting precision -- It's still all your words but it reads more manic and caffeine like.
like a laser on the screen
a cheetah hunting paper work
heart pounding ten times the seconds until
Day shift done
 
But
the night
shift
comes
with                 it
 
another
 
“Cup of dark roast please.” And  
I blaze through the night like a bolt through a tree -- I love this line, just need to include 'lightning' before 'bolt' as it could be read differently
blare through the work like a tuba underwater
blurp blurping big bubbles of progress then back
home for the night and that dark roast sure does have me
awake and ready to blareblazerace through -- I know it says blare blaze race but I keep also seeing 'blazer ace' which is good and manically offbeat.
 
what?
 
Through my sleep time, that’s what, won’t sleep
until past midnight which leads past REM and back into 
 
wake            up
to
drink               up
 
another
                        day

I've probably said too much already for mild critique so before I get sidetracked again and ramble on I shall terminate this critique.

Cool idea, cool poem,
need to think more about the best way to present it.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Lizzie]

Your poem caught my attention right away. That's good! I would have read it regardless of the title or the subject because the form was unique and said, "Hey there! I'm new! I'm novel! Check me out!" It's a good way to get your work noticed.

I like poems that deal with our 21st century reality and your subjects feel fresh. Mmmmmm....fresh coffee.

I understand what's being said about making your words longer, possibly having more punctuation at the beginning, as a contrast to the flurry of activity in the middle.

I'll offer another scenario: those who need stimulation to work and function normally are going to be impaired without the coffee, so I think that the disorganized lines and absent punctuation works in the beginning. It shows how stumbling life can be without the stimulation that caffeine brings. The caffeinated parts could be the ones that show the higher degree of organization and flow (without compromising the galloping pace). The picture that you're painting for me is of someone who can't quite get it together without the beans.

Enjoyed the read!

[kolemath]

Thanks for the reply, Rogo!  I appreciate your insight on everyday concepts made new!

---

Your critiques are always so helpful, Mark! This one had me laughing too!  A one night stand with Mr. Rumpff..

---

Thanks, Lizziep!  My thought that I tired body would be too exhausted to punctuate

[Magpie]

Hi Kolemath,

I've had another thought about this and the use of white space and punctuation. I agree with Lizzie and her reading of caffeine being the substance that pulls the world together and makes it possible, and the white space and overall structure of sentences present this well. If this idea is more what you were going for then I would suggest a title change. I was very much led by the title and therefore had certain expectations before I really got into reading the poem.

The narrator may indeed be drinking 'Too Much Coffee' but the overall feeling of the poem doesn't express this.

Just a thought,

Mark

[Joseph Didis]

You have found a neat way of writing, it certainly catches the attention right away.
I only have a few comments below.

Edit 1 (was 'too much coffee')

Café Mania

 
Alarm clock ringing
out
first light

groggy                         groaning
foggily 
 
O.K.
let me              get
up
dressed     drive
 
coffee house                park    
 
            “I’ll have the dark roast please.”

Sip. Slow. Sip. Move. Sip. Go!     I think this could use some whitespace to make it seem like it is winding up.. maybe 1, 2, 3 words or something too. Or just no punctuation, not sure. Getting the feeling of going from really slow to hyper anyway.

And now it’s on with the day and I’m turned on full blast to dart to desks and race and dance trumpets ringing eardrum and skim time rushing and flashing precision like a laser on the screen and sprinting cheetah hunting paper work and heart pounding ten times the seconds to day shift done     I think a few line breaks would be good, it is quite hard to read this passage fast when the text goes an for the whole screen, mine isn't even that big. I really have a hard time following this, and had to read it a few times..this gives a manic feeling, but I think a few thought out line breaks would make it a bit easier to follow and it would make it read faster, which is what I think you are going for?
 
Until
night               shift
slugging       slouching with
another
 
             “Cup of dark roast please.”

Sip. Slow. Sip. Move. Sip. Go!
 
And now it’s on with the night and neon light buzz and I blaze through the night like a lightning bolt through a tree
and blare at the work like a tuba underwater and blurp blurping big bubbles[i] of progress    I liked this line as a reference for night shifts on coffee a lot..seems to sum it up perfectly..
then night shift done and then home for the night and that dark roast sure does have me awake and ready to blazerace through [/i](what now?) through my sleep time that’s what and I won’t sleep until past midnight which leads past REM and back
 
To       
wake               up
to         drink up
another day again
 

Nice work, thank you for posting it.

[Magpie]

Hi Kolemath, 

I notice that you made an edit, but it nearly slipped by me. I noticed the same with one of your other poems, don't be afraid to bump the post to the top of the pile when you've done an edit, otherwise no one will be aware of it. 

Regarding this edit, I think it makes for a much stronger poem now. The title change is more appropriate and the difference between the two elements of with and without caffeine seem clearly defined. I like what you've done with the caffeine influenced elements and the constantly flowing prose without line breaks and punctuation, it works very well.

Good edit,

Mark

[kolemath]

Thanks, Mark!  I appreciate your insights!! Now, on bumping up an edit to the top of the list...  I'll have to investigate how this is done.

---

Thanks for reading, Joseph! -Kole