Inheritance

[jeh]

we came so far
on the escalating upwards crescendo
of spent fantasies
inscribed with neon runes
grinding to a halt
that night when the horsemen
came, in the bedrooms
locked behind doors of dreams become
some other man's sweaty desire --
violence and rage.
we fell into tomorrow.
 
corpses of black twisted metal
and vaporized metropolises sing
from their grave. calls out
for reclamation. we are
riding on the back
of a leper leading us to an
event horizon, the moment
of becoming; a phoenix
to rise and fulfill destiny.

[Lip Kingdavid]

I gotta be honest that I can't really give any half decent crit of this because I'm having trouble following it in a meaningful way. I've read through it about five times and it's not making much more sense than the first time. I'm not all that good with this quasi-abstract poetry, and this seems like it's about something fairly personal. It kind of sounds like there was an affair at a sleazy motel and someone was killed over it? Maybe in death they are fulfilling their destiny?

It's good that there is a lot of interesting imagery going on, it just kinda gets lost in the lack of cohesion and clarity. Like trying to look at a painting through a kaleidoscope. Ultimately all the atmosphere that the language evokes is just sort of rickety. It needs some back bone to make it unique and to give all the other aspects a purpose.

[Erthona]

Jeh,

The use of grammar, capitalization, and correct use of punctuation would benefit this poem.

The first sentence is a run on sentence. There is no need for the comma in L7. Also in L7 "in" should be "into".

As the "we" is undefined, the response is who cares. There is nothing for the reader to care about. This is totally abstract and in the end it doesn't really say anything. Who are "we"? The "we" needs to be defined before the poem has any meaning, if it can have meaning. What what is here, it seem it would need expanding to create anything with much meaning. At the moment it is just a bunch of not very good description thrown together. Words are used, or seem to be used without much thought to meaning.

" calls out for reclamation." is not a sentence.

" we are riding on the back of a leper"

leper: a person who has leprosy. (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/leper?s=t)


Welcome to the site,

Best,


dale

[spellbound]

Okay so everything was going decent until I reached "we are riding on the back of....". I think you should revisit that part of your poem.

 As a whole however, I do see the message of possible betrayal, or something was taken away from you. Also something defeated and seeks forgiveness?

A little too abstract for my taste, but it does have its high points.

[LunaDeLore]

I like the imagery you've provided the reader but in some places it's broken and doesn't come together well.

For example:

"that night when the horsemen
came, in the bedrooms
locked behind doors of dreams become
some other man's sweaty desire --
violence and rage.
we fell into tomorrow."

When reading this I can see the horsemen coming in but I don't see how "locked behind doors of dreams become..." This is where the work loses me.

You may smooth that out with something like this:

locked behind doors of dreams,
dreams that become some other man's sweaty desire..

Just a bit of revision would make this poem a much better read

Good work !

[Rogo]

we came so far
on the escalating upwards crescendo
of spent fantasies
inscribed with neon runes
grinding to a halt                                                              5
that night when the horsemen
came, in the bedrooms
locked behind doors of dreams become
some other man's sweaty desire --
violence and rage.                                                            10
we fell into tomorrow.
 
corpses of black twisted metal
and vaporized metropolises sing
from their grave. calls out
for reclamation. we are                                                    15
riding on the back
of a leper leading us to an
event horizon, the moment
of becoming; a phoenix
to rise and fulfill destiny."                                                 20

You're doing an admirable job with using vivid, seemingly offbeat, imagery. It's very dramatic. However, I feel that this drama is exhausting and becomes monotonous by the second stanza. Try toning it down a bit. This can be done by diversifying the poem's rhythm.  Build up the tension instead of starting aggressively and maintaining it throughout the poem. Though, I will admit that  line 11 did a solid job at this. It really took me by surprise.

Honestly, I don't have a strong idea of what the poem is about. Usually, I'm fine with this -- there is a beauty in chaos and uncertainty, such as with reading a John Ashbery poem or listening to a Sun Ra album. However, the consistent tension and drama prevents me from lingering too long. It almost feels like I'm being yelled at or someone is casting an apocalyptic curse on me.

Final note: be wary of using unnecessary words. The phrase "escalating upwards crescendo" is redundant. Examples like this aren't too frequent in this poem, but they are still there, Edit, re-edit, re-re-edit. (Trim the fat!)

Again, it's wonderful that this poem is descriptive and diverse in its imagery. Just focus on the rhythm and the musical quality of the words.

[danielcarter]

So this is my first comment, and I hope that it is helpful. I would have to echo the punctuation issues. I will say that I have fallen prey to this, and other poets that I know, also struggle with this at times. So you are not alone in that area. I am curious about the inspiration of this piece. I was a bit lost in the tropes (Figurative Language). Tropes are a good vehicle, but you just want to provide more clues, as to what they are alluding. Continue to work with it. The elements are good, they just need some more coherence.

[shaan]

Hi,

Although this poem is poetic but The imagery fails to hold my interest.
The poem is way too abstracts and metaphores are not leaving any impact and I
have to go back and forth to figure out what am I reading.
Maybe a revisit to this poem would make it a good poem.
All the best.

[Humphrey]

I am very new to writing poetry. It has honestly never been one of my greatest strengths; however, it is a passion. Please, take what I say with a grain of salt.
In L2, the use of both escalating and crescendo, while complementary to your imagery, distracts from the poem. Perhaps “on the upward crescendo” would be a bit better.
You use of abstract at times makes it hard to follow but I think I know where you were going with this. Where you need work is the transition between “we fell into tomorrow” and “corpses of black twisted metal” The first stanza really kept my interest but the transition and ideas of the second stanza really fell apart for me.
In L17, “of a leper leading us to an,” your use of leading I think should be changed. You using event horizon in the next line, which is acceptable with your previous idea, should be taken into account. I believe “pulling” or some variation of this should be used there. The event horizon is pulling towards rebirth through the fires of destruction.

[homer1950]

we came so far
on the escalating upwards crescendo
of spent fantasies
inscribed with neon runes
grinding to a halt
that night when the horsemen
came, in the bedrooms
locked behind doors of dreams become
some other man's sweaty desire --
violence and rage.
we fell into tomorrow.
 
corpses of black twisted metal
and vaporized metropolises sing
from their grave. calls out
for reclamation. we are
riding on the back
of a leper leading us to an
event horizon, the moment
of becoming; a phoenix
to rise and fulfill destiny.

Your poem reminds of line from the REM song loosing my religion "Oh no, I've said too much, I haven't said enough"

You have given us so much imagery but now we need substance. You need to fill us in on what is going on"

[Taboosun]

Your poem was fun to read. Now on to the critque, lol.

I see your pretty good at establishing metaphorical concepts that can express meaning, but you can do it better.

we came so far
on the escalating upwards crescendo
of spent fantasies
inscribed with neon runes
grinding to a halt      

Your transition from "of spent fantasies" to "inscribed withe neon runes" left me thinking okay cool metaphors but wondering how the spent fantasies got inscribed with neon runes. Im guilty of this to. At times I do not properly explain if at all the how of something therefore leaving it up to the imagination of the reader. Look at your first two lines and how they transition from metaphorical concept to metaphorical concept. Thats what I mean when I say smooth transition and explaining the how or the why. Your last line "grinding to a halt" had no relation whatvso ever to what came before it. Improve this and youll already be better. But anyway I do enjoy your style of poetry. It seems deeply metaphorical and invoking of the imagination. Keep it up. If you want you can pm me for help or to trade poems. Im always down to peer down the depths of my mind tearing off old disguises withered in time, lol.

It's best to post poems on the open forum instead of through PM, that way each is user and date stamped and we all get the benefit of the discussion. /ella