Unknown Lover

[Queerventions]

SECOND EDIT:
The brush of you words;
your hand on my arms,
alluring, powerful
could throw me against the wall.
Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite; 
entering me with lilac, passion, and intent.
You are the image every artist craves to paint
but never captures,
brighter than the moon, the sun, the stars,
carved from the hands of angels.
Your life as eternal
as the goddess you embody.

FIRST EDIT:
The brush of you words;
your hand on my arms,
electric, powerful
could throw me against the wall.
Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite; 
the image every artist craves to paint
but never captures,
you were carved from the hands of angels.
You are someone I have always needed;
Your life as eternal
as the goddess you embody.

ORIGINAL:
Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm. Your touch sends electric so powerful through my body it could throw me against the wall. Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite traveled millennia to be graced upon you. You are the image every artist craves to paint but can never capture, as if you were carved from the hands of angels directly. You are what I have always needed. You are someone who will live forever. I will punch everyone in the face until someone says they can make apple juice from lemons because that's the kind of exotic you are. Only....I still haven't met you. And if I have perhaps it was in another life or I was to clouded to comprehend you yet. If you do exist I will find you, and i will give you that apple juice made from lemons.

[billy]

hi qv
in it's present form it's quite hard to read as a poem. in general it feels wordy does it work better with fewer words, you can still trim a fair bit more away and in doing so make the piece all the more presentable for the reader.

ps, welcome to the site.

Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm. Your touch sends electric[,] so powerful through my body it could throw me against the wall. Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite traveled millennia to be graced upon you. You are the image every artist craves to paint but can never capture, [s]as if you were carved from the hands of angels directly. You are what I have always needed. You are someone who will live forever. I will punch everyone in the face until someone says they can make apple juice from lemons because that's the kind of exotic you are. Only....I still haven't met you. And if I have perhaps it was in another life or I was to clouded to comprehend you yet. If you do exist I will find you, and i will give you that apple juice made from lemons.

[/s]
with some parts cut away

Your words brush across my mind.
Your touch electric, powerful
could throw me against the wall.
Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite;
the image every artist craves to paint
but never captures,
you were carved from the hands of angels.

[bedeep]

Hi QV, I'm new here too and in over my head as usual. I like what Billy did with your poem.

And I also really enjoy the prose poetry style of your original, which reads to me like it's designed for spoken word, a short performance piece maybe?

I can hear a chant:

Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm. *beat*

Your touch sends electric so powerful through my body it could throw me against the wall. *beat*

Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite traveled millennia to be graced upon you. *beat*

You are the image every artist craves to paint but can never capture, as if you were carved from the hands of angels directly. *beat*

And so forth. Those lines, I can really feel.

From that point on I lose interest a little bit. The words are not as fresh. The "punch everyone in the face" bit is good and strong but the rest sort of waffles along, to my ear. I want it to rise even higher than those first lines.

Wailing out "Where are you?"

The apples and lemons thing feels forced. I would go right on back to those first strong statements and try to build from there.

This is my first crit in this site, so take everything I say with an extra dose of salt, and good luck with your writing!

[Achebe]

Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm. Your touch sends electric so powerful through my body it could throw me against the wall. Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite traveled millennia to be graced upon you. You are the image every artist craves to paint but can never capture, as if you were carved from the hands of angels directly. You are what I have always needed. You are someone who will live forever. I will punch everyone in the face until someone says they can make apple juice from lemons because that's the kind of exotic you are. Only....I still haven't met you. And if I have perhaps it was in another life or I was to clouded to comprehend you yet. If you do exist I will find you, and i will give you that apple juice made from lemons.

Hi QV -an example:

Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm

1) The simile is confusing because after 'like' I'm expecting 'something that brushes across something else'. Instead, I get 'I'm feeling...' - this isn't technically a simile. It's an inchoate thought.

2)  It's wordy. The following could be better substitutes:

Your words brush across my mind like the brush of your hand across my arm
Your words brush across my mind like your hand brushes across my arm
[i][i]Your words brush across me like your hand against my arm[/i]

[/i]3) The 'slightly' and 'gently' spoil the second part of the sentence  - adjectives diminish the power of the noun, and are best used sparingly.

[lolowl]

Hi QV! Okay, so I have to disclaim that I'm an amateur poet, who doesn't necessarily have insightful comments. However, I love the general feelings that you convey in your poem! I've felt the same about a person of interest :3 I agree with what everyone has said so far, especially with what billy suggested. I, myself, don't really know how to write poems and would like your critique of mine (which I'll be posting in a bit). Best of luck~

I am allowing this, but would ask you to try and be more specific in the future. Don't rely on what others have said - what do you think? Also, there is no obligation either explicit or implied for anyone to comment on your poem just because you comment on theirs/ admin

[Uncle Tony]

Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm. Your touch sends electric so powerful through my body it could throw me against the wall. Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite traveled millennia to be graced upon you. You are the image every artist craves to paint but can never capture, as if you were carved from the hands of angels directly. You are what I have always needed. You are someone who will live forever. I will punch everyone in the face until someone says they can make apple juice from lemons because that's the kind of exotic you are. Only....I still haven't met you. And if I have perhaps it was in another life or I was to clouded to comprehend you yet. If you do exist I will find you, and i will give you that apple juice made from lemons.

I was pondering how to critique this, and decided I'd give you the lines I like best - in order, as well as my least favorite - in order:

BEST
Your words...
You are the image...
Only...

LEAST FAVORITE
I will punch
Your body...
You are someone...

Hope that's helpful.

[jeh]

I like prose poetry, but I would break this up into more sections. If you have it in more digestible pieces then it will be easier to read.

Note that in the sentence “Your body smells like…” you start out in present tense but then switch to the rest of the sentence in the past. Maybe that is what you meant, but figured I would point it out.

Saying “I will punch everyone in the face…” seems a bit violent and rude for the poem. It jumps out at me and seems out of place. Maybe if you want some violence you can find a less coarse way of showing it, using intensity of emotion rather than something I would expect a child to say.

A lot of the sentences work, so I like it, but note the above suggestions for what I think would be improvements.

[homer1950]

Your words brush across my mind like I'm feeling your hand slightly and gently on my arm. Your touch sends electric so powerful through my body it could throw me against the wall. Your body smells like the scent of Aphrodite traveled millennia to be graced upon you. You are the image every artist craves to paint but can never capture, as if you were carved from the hands of angels directly. You are what I have always needed. You are someone who will live forever. I will punch everyone in the face until someone says they can make apple juice from lemons because that's the kind of exotic you are. Only....I still haven't met you. And if I have perhaps it was in another life or I was to clouded to comprehend you yet. If you do exist I will find you, and i will give you that apple juice made from lemons.

Hi QV,

Like the others I would suggest a more traditional format. Beyond that this work has so much imagery I am finding difficult to hear your message. 

You have a line in the poem - you are the image every artist craves. The line is vast, it leaves too much up to my imagination as the reader. What I mean, is I can not keep focus because it makes me think too much of what that image could be. I imagine every artist craves a different image.

Then add the fact you are painting an image of somone you haven't met yourself really overloads the readers imagination. 

Maybe bring more focus to your description of the character you are writing about. Try not to be so broad and vague. You have a flare for painting word pics. Just do not need them so overly abstract.

[Queerventions]

Thank you everybody for you critique. I have just posted the first edited version in this thread.

[BraveBlueFlames]

You've definitely got good imagery and I can appreciate that you try to invoke sense like smell but perhaps describe what Aphrodite smells like to enhance the invocation. The use of "electric" seems a little out of place, changing it to "invigorating" or "tantalizing" would really keep the mood flowing. Otherwise, keep it up!

[Queerventions]

Second Edit posted.