The Breeze

[jameso]

I'm not sure whether to post in novice or mild critique as im not sure how much i want to change this. however, shoot, im happy to hear all thoughts.

The Breeze

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you,
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.

[DerTomatenToaster]

The Breeze

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door [I'd end the sentence here]
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild [Same here]
Let the atmosphere wash over you,
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all ["Thought you that you" sounds really weird, comma]
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too [Don't know why you suddenly start with the weird word order, doesn't really fit the rest]
And to this end I painted you [End the sentence]
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me [Would leave out the second "you"]
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.

I really liked the picture you drew in my head(pun intended) and the general idea behind it of changing yourself and others. Most of the rhymes were pretty good (even if not extraordinary) aswell, none of them sounded forced, because of which you also left out rhymes at some points, which I like a lot.
As you can see above, my biggest complaints are about your punctuation. It was really weird at some points, because you only used dots at the end of a verse. I also didn't really like that you started every line with a capital letter, was kind of confusing from time to time, but that's just my personal preference.
(I don't really have much of an idea of poetry, so you should probably wait for someone else's reply, but those are just my honest thoughts)

[jameso]

@DerTomatenToaster
Awesome. thanks so much for the feedback. I'd have to agree with most of it

[ellajam]

Hi, James, this is a clear and smooth read. I can live with the repeat of I beg of you but I'm not a fan of it, the whole poem is a plea and I doubt you need it. It certainly was a relief when you gave it up at the end. I found this line awkward:Thought you that you could see it all. I particularly like the last 6 lines. Good luck with it.

The Breeze

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you,
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.

[Winter.Rain]

I Can so easily see this being made into a song. I agree with ellajam in that the repeat of "I beg of you" kind of makes the whole poem sound like a plea. I feel as if instead words of encouragment might better suit the tone of the rest of the poem.

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you, (I can't put my figure on why, but a different word in place of atmosphere)
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too (I'd change the order of your words here)
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.
[/quote]

This is the first poem I've ever critiqued so I know I don't have as much to offer as anyone else. There's also just not a lot I would change about it. Good stuff

[billy]

it would pass muster in mild. i'm not sure of the form but it's similar to the Rime Couée x 4 verse with a slightly different rhyme scheme. the meter seems off in a couple of places. i think you can get away with the extra half foot in the last line. the first does feel off with it's extra foot; a suggestion would be [open door let the breeze pass through] i do like the refrains and the subtle changes in the ones at verse ends. the poem feels straight forward enough; i like the light metaphor you have at play through the poem.

I'm not sure whether to post in novice or mild critique as im not sure how much i want to change this. however, shoot, im happy to hear all thoughts.

The Breeze

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you,
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too i think unusually the reversed syntax works here, often it doesn't.
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.

[DC Black]

Overall, a very nice piece with some wonderful lines, my favourite being "And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild". I really didn't like the repitition of the 'I beg of you'. It worked the first time but then began to grate.I didn't understand the reason to use 'But wanted I' instead of 'But I wanted but I am new here :-)

[jameso]

Thanks everyone. great feedback. Seems the 'I beg of you' isn't popular. I will work on a revision

[The Raven]

I'm not sure whether to post in novice or mild critique as im not sure how much i want to change this. however, shoot, im happy to hear all thoughts.

The Breeze

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but instead look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you,
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall   I didnt actually notice the rhyming until about here, i think you should make it more obvious in the bginning
Thought you that you could see it all
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through. I just feel like there should be more here at the end

This is exceptionally well written, in fact, I feel like it should be a song, it just has that rhythm

[Beyond all Lines]

I'm not sure whether to post in novice or mild critique as im not sure how much i want to change this. however, shoot, im happy to hear all thoughts.

The Breeze

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you,
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.

I actually did'nt mind the I beg of you until about the third paragraph, that's just my opinion, the poem has a great flow and the rhymes are solid, I can imagine this closer to a song actually. well done

[Erthona]

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there's are no storms, and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you, (better "Let fresh air wash over you")
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all -You thought that you could see it all- syntax
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too- I wanted to change you too _ syntax
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And but painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.
__________________________________________________________________
Nice subtext

"The times, they are a changing" - Bob Dylan
_____________________________________________________________________
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension.
To cap the start of each line today is less a stylistic choice rather than an affectation, in that it serves no purpose in terms of the text and in fact makes the text more difficult to read. 


Best,


dale