this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
___
Loosing you was like God coming down
towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb
because there is nothing to blame, not a thing
Just time and change, and things holding us back
and people and places
and money and loss
and I lost everything
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil
but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust
I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this
if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start
too early in life am I begging for another chance
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together
mercy, mercy
for the ones I have lost
and the ones I will loose
mercy, mercy
take me instead of them
take me instead of them
take them instead of me
Posts: 10
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2016
Hey faerykid, I'm a newbie too! I enjoyed parts of this; where it was going, and the two lines you ended with. But I feel you lost it somewhere in the middle.
(03-10-2016, 02:45 PM)faerykid Wrote: this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
___
Loosing you was like God coming down - *losing
towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell - Flows better with one less syllable perhaps (ie. towards the/my sky from east...)
There's some confusion with this loss feeling like a pardon to Hell given how hellish in
nature the following lines depict.
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws
- Interesting to relate last breath (something seemingly passive and final) to the explosive
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb nature of a ticking bomb. More of an actual death gasp (morbid, but perhaps fitting). I
would replace "like" with a semi-colon ( .
because there is nothing to blame, not a thing - Using "because" seems somewhat choppy. Try dropping it and starting that line with
"There is..."
Just time and change, and things holding us back - You start to lose me around here and the following lines with the heavy repetition of "and"
and people and places
and money and loss
and I lost everything - Where it seemed to start out with direction, it begins to feel very conversational and more
stream-of-consciousness than anything.
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil
but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust - I like this line; the thought. But does dust crumble?
I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this - You could drop this line and the one after altogether as they seem to only dilute
if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start
too early in life am I begging for another chance - Capitalize start of line, comma at end
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together - Drop "together"
mercy, mercy
for the ones I have lost
and the ones I will loose - *lose
mercy, mercy
take me instead of them - Punctuation and capitalization through these last several lines is missing. Somewhat
inconsistent throughout. You don't have to capitalize at all but should choose either or.
take me instead of them - I feel like these last lines still carry the same weight without having to repeat "take
take them instead of me me instead of them" twice.
Again, I like the overall sentiment but a lot could be improved upon by simplifying and cutting some lines/words to bring it all back into focus.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-10-2016, 06:09 PM)ephemerald Wrote: Hey faerykid, I'm a newbie too! I enjoyed parts of this; where it was going, and the two lines you ended with. But I feel you lost it somewhere in the middle.
(03-10-2016, 02:45 PM)faerykid Wrote: this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
___
Loosing you was like God coming down - *losing
towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell - Flows better with one less syllable perhaps (ie. towards the/my sky from east...)
There's some confusion with this loss feeling like a pardon to Hell given how hellish in
nature the following lines depict.
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws
- Interesting to relate last breath (something seemingly passive and final) to the explosive
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb nature of a ticking bomb. More of an actual death gasp (morbid, but perhaps fitting). I
would replace "like" with a semi-colon (.
because there is nothing to blame, not a thing - Using "because" seems somewhat choppy. Try dropping it and starting that line with
"There is..."
Just time and change, and things holding us back - You start to lose me around here and the following lines with the heavy repetition of "and"
and people and places
and money and loss
and I lost everything - Where it seemed to start out with direction, it begins to feel very conversational and more
stream-of-consciousness than anything.
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil
but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust - I like this line; the thought. But does dust crumble?
I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this - You could drop this line and the one after altogether as they seem to only dilute
if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start
too early in life am I begging for another chance - Capitalize start of line, comma at end
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together - Drop "together"
mercy, mercy
for the ones I have lost
and the ones I will loose - *lose
mercy, mercy
take me instead of them - Punctuation and capitalization through these last several lines is missing. Somewhat
inconsistent throughout. You don't have to capitalize at all but should choose either or.
take me instead of them - I feel like these last lines still carry the same weight without having to repeat "take
take them instead of me me instead of them" twice.
Again, I like the overall sentiment but a lot could be improved upon by simplifying and cutting some lines/words to bring it all back into focus. Note to ephemerald. Well done to you for in depth crit but please do not advise outdated line start capitalising. It confuses and is retro, having been all but abandoned fifty plus years ago. There are some who hang on to the habit believing it is "poetic". It is not. Nonetheless your comment on consistency was well judged as line capitalising is an editorial choice, though a poor one for the reasons given.
Best, Mod.
(03-10-2016, 06:09 PM)ephemerald Wrote: Hey faerykid, I'm a newbie too! I enjoyed parts of this; where it was going, and the two lines you ended with. But I feel you lost it somewhere in the middle.
(03-10-2016, 02:45 PM)faerykid Wrote: this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
___
Loosing you was like God coming down - *losing
towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell - Flows better with one less syllable perhaps (ie. towards the/my sky from east...)
There's some confusion with this loss feeling like a pardon to Hell given how hellish in
nature the following lines depict.
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws
- Interesting to relate last breath (something seemingly passive and final) to the explosive
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb nature of a ticking bomb. More of an actual death gasp (morbid, but perhaps fitting). I
would replace "like" with a semi-colon (.
because there is nothing to blame, not a thing - Using "because" seems somewhat choppy. Try dropping it and starting that line with
"There is..."
Just time and change, and things holding us back - You start to lose me around here and the following lines with the heavy repetition of "and"
and people and places
and money and loss
and I lost everything - Where it seemed to start out with direction, it begins to feel very conversational and more
stream-of-consciousness than anything.
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil
but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust - I like this line; the thought. But does dust crumble?
I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this - You could drop this line and the one after altogether as they seem to only dilute
if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start
too early in life am I begging for another chance - Capitalize start of line, comma at end
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together - Drop "together"
mercy, mercy
for the ones I have lost
and the ones I will loose - *lose
mercy, mercy
take me instead of them - Punctuation and capitalization through these last several lines is missing. Somewhat
inconsistent throughout. You don't have to capitalize at all but should choose either or.
take me instead of them - I feel like these last lines still carry the same weight without having to repeat "take
take them instead of me me instead of them" twice.
Again, I like the overall sentiment but a lot could be improved upon by simplifying and cutting some lines/words to bring it all back into focus.
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
(03-10-2016, 02:45 PM)faerykid Wrote: this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
___
Loosing you was like God coming down
towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb
because there is nothing to blame, not a thing
Just time and change, and things holding us back
and people and places
and money and loss
and I lost everything
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil
but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust
I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this
if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start
too early in life am I begging for another chance
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together
mercy, mercy
for the ones I have lost
and the ones I will loose
mercy, mercy
take me instead of them
take me instead of them
take them instead of me
Positives:
1. A few nice lines in 'like a book' and 'brambles and soil'
2. For 'Novice', there are relatively few cliches
3. The meter is smooth - I don't scan anything that I write: if it sounds good to my ear it works for me, and your poem is fine in that regard except for L6
Negatives:
Generally, a poem should be readable (or at least make sense) when it's written out without line breaks. Else, it's a ramble. This one is.
Also, you need to differentiate between 'lose' and 'loose'
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Mar 2016
Good writing, the spacing of the lines aren't my type of thing but don't let words on a screen tell you what to do. This piece compels me to think of the end which is what I think it's intended for.
Love is evol.
Con is confidence.
Eros is sore.
Sin is sincere.
Posts: 17
Threads: 5
Joined: Aug 2013
Good poem. However, I have a little bit of opinion regarding these two lines:
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
I assume that you are trying to describe the grudge of losing her. However, the five hundred page book is not that thick and heavy you know....
Posts: 19
Threads: 8
Joined: Feb 2013
(03-10-2016, 02:45 PM)faerykid Wrote: this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
___
Loosing you was like God coming down
towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws ~I really like the repetition coupled with the bomb metaphor, gives
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb a sonic and imaginative sense of ticking.
because there is nothing to blame, not a thing
Just time and change, and things holding us back
and people and places ~Reminds me of "life flashing before your eyes", reviewing memories
and money and loss as life comes to an end.
and I lost everything
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil
but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust
I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this
if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start
too early in life am I begging for another chance
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together
mercy, mercy ~Again, I love the repetition and sense of duality in your structure.
for the ones I have lost Maybe it adds to the meaning of the poem; the narrator in
and the ones I will loose his/her new life looking back at his/her old life?
mercy, mercy
take me instead of them
take me instead of them
take them instead of me
A few misspelled words, but overall I think you did a good job.
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