Amen

[Julius]

Amen

Let soft snow blanket my grave,
Corruption hid by purity
concealing soil and withered flowers
marking my eternity.

Cry for yourself but not for me;
I do not weep nor do I fear.
There is no restlessness in death,
no memories of life held dear.

Time for me is now the same
as the time before my birth.
As my flesh and bones decay
and I return to Mother Earth.

[DerTomatenToaster]

Amen

Let soft snow blanket my grave,
Corruption hid by purity                     [I like the metaphor you use here, but I don't think it really fits too well, because you just threw in the word curruption, concealing soil and withered flowers    without ever explaining what exactly about "you" was currupt. Could have done more with this or left it out]
marking my eternity.

Cry for yourself but not for me;
I do not weep nor do I fear.
There is no restlessness in death,
no memories of life held dear.           [I mainly like this line, because this is pretty much what I think about death, but I got some problems with                                                                       it, after reading the rest of the poem]

Time for me is now the same
as the time before my birth.
As my flesh and bones decay
and I return to Mother Earth.              [What exactly do you mean by "return"? The only thing that would make sence to me, would be if you are talking                                                                       about the bible, which says that we are made from soil, but when you are now talking about the bible it would kind of                                                                 be the opposite from the thoughts about death you had earlier in the poem. Maybe I'm just thinking about it way too                                                                 much though and you just wanted it to sound nice though]

[Deckpoop]

Hello Julius,

I am new here and I read a couple of your poems and found them interesting so I thought I would kick off by commenting here.

I think the poem starts with a really good piece of imagery with the strong contrast between purity and corruption.

The one thing that struck me as odd was this:

Cry for yourself but not for me;
I do not weep nor do I fear.

The logic of it seems to be that the second line and what follows is an explanation as to why the mourner should not weep for the deceased, rather than contrasting the situation of mourner and deceased. So the phrase "I do not weep" seems to be out of place. Why would someone weep for someone else? Because they suffer I suppose. So I would maybe change "weep" for a word more directly conveying suffering, like "hurt" or "feel".

I liked the imagery at the end of the poem as well. But I am not sure I liked the repetition of the word "time."

Thanks for posting. I enjoyed reading it.

[Achebe]

Nice one, Julius. Liked the last stanza.
The 'but' in L5 seems to be one syllable too many? Doesn't sound right in my ear.

EDIT - the stressed / unstressed count depends on whether you start L5 with 'cry' or 'CRY' - I was doing the latter, and the 'but' was over the number. If you start with an unstressed 'cry' then the 'but' is OK.

[Julius]

Amen

Let soft snow blanket my grave,
Corruption hid by purity                     [I like the metaphor you use here, but I don't think it really fits too well, because you just threw in the word curruption, concealing soil and withered flowers    without ever explaining what exactly about "you" was currupt. Could have done more with this or left it out]
marking my eternity.

Cry for yourself but not for me;
I do not weep nor do I fear.
There is no restlessness in death,
no memories of life held dear.           [I mainly like this line, because this is pretty much what I think about death, but I got some problems with                                                                       it, after reading the rest of the poem]

Time for me is now the same
as the time before my birth.
As my flesh and bones decay
and I return to Mother Earth.              [What exactly do you mean by "return"? The only thing that would make sence to me, would be if you are talking                                                                       about the bible, which says that we are made from soil, but when you are now talking about the bible it would kind of                                                                 be the opposite from the thoughts about death you had earlier in the poem. Maybe I'm just thinking about it way too                                                                 much though and you just wanted it to sound nice though]

Thank you for reading and considering my poem. Perhaps I should rethink the word corruption, by which I mean corruption of the body after death. In my mind was the thought of a decaying body in a grave, where flowers wither, being covered in snow. I think that when people are bereaved they cry for their own loss. The dead person is beyond feeling of any sort. I am not a religious person, I would say I was agnostic. The last part of the poem is literal. In the grave I will decay and be slowly absorbed by the earth.
I hope the explanation helps with your understanding. 
For what it is worth this poem was triggered by the song "Danny Boy" and I actually expect to be cremated when my time comes.

[DerTomatenToaster]

Amen

Let soft snow blanket my grave,
Corruption hid by purity                     [I like the metaphor you use here, but I don't think it really fits too well, because you just threw in the word curruption, concealing soil and withered flowers    without ever explaining what exactly about "you" was currupt. Could have done more with this or left it out]
marking my eternity.

Cry for yourself but not for me;
I do not weep nor do I fear.
There is no restlessness in death,
no memories of life held dear.           [I mainly like this line, because this is pretty much what I think about death, but I got some problems with                                                                       it, after reading the rest of the poem]

Time for me is now the same
as the time before my birth.
As my flesh and bones decay
and I return to Mother Earth.              [What exactly do you mean by "return"? The only thing that would make sence to me, would be if you are talking                                                                       about the bible, which says that we are made from soil, but when you are now talking about the bible it would kind of                                                                 be the opposite from the thoughts about death you had earlier in the poem. Maybe I'm just thinking about it way too                                                                 much though and you just wanted it to sound nice though]

Thank you for reading and considering my poem. Perhaps I should rethink the word corruption, by which I mean corruption of the body after death. In my mind was the thought of a decaying body in a grave, where flowers wither, being covered in snow. I think that when people are bereaved they cry for their own loss. The dead person is beyond feeling of any sort. I am not a religious person, I would say I was agnostic. The last part of the poem is literal. In the grave I will decay and be slowly absorbed by the earth.
I hope the explanation helps with your understanding. 
For what it is worth this poem was triggered by the song "Danny Boy" and I actually expect to be cremated when my time comes.

Yeah, definitly thought of a wrong meaning for this word then.
That was pretty much my point, yes your body decays and is absorbed by the earth, but my main problem was the word "return" which would mean you come back to the earth, which means you came from the earth one day. That's why I asked.
As I said, no major problems, but still kind of confusing to me.

[Julius]

[/size]

Thank you for reading and considering my poem. Perhaps I should rethink the word corruption, by which I mean corruption of the body after death. In my mind was the thought of a decaying body in a grave, where flowers wither, being covered in snow. I think that when people are bereaved they cry for their own loss. The dead person is beyond feeling of any sort. I am not a religious person, I would say I was agnostic. The last part of the poem is literal. In the grave I will decay and be slowly absorbed by the earth.
I hope the explanation helps with your understanding. 
For what it is worth this poem was triggered by the song "Danny Boy" and I actually expect to be cremated when my time comes.

Yeah, definitly thought of a wrong meaning for this word then.
That was pretty much my point, yes your body decays and is absorbed by the earth, but my main problem was the word "return" which would mean you come back to the earth, which means you came from the earth one day. That's why I asked.
As I said, no major problems, but still kind of confusing to me.

Yes I see your point. I think I was thinking of us basically as an amount of chemicals to which we will eventually return. I must think about "return". Perhaps somehow work in "dissolve into earth" or "be absorbed by the earth".
Thank you for your interest, it is appreciated.

---

Hello Julius,

I am new here and I read a couple of your poems and found them interesting so I thought I would kick off by commenting here.

I think the poem starts with a really good piece of imagery with the strong contrast between purity and corruption.

The one thing that struck me as odd was this:

Cry for yourself but not for me;
I do not weep nor do I fear.

The logic of it seems to be that the second line and what follows is an explanation as to why the mourner should not weep for the deceased, rather than contrasting the situation of mourner and deceased. So the phrase "I do not weep" seems to be out of place. Why would someone weep for someone else? Because they suffer I suppose. So I would maybe change "weep" for a word more directly conveying suffering, like "hurt" or "feel".

I liked the imagery at the end of the poem as well. But I am not sure I liked the repetition of the word "time."

Thanks for posting. I enjoyed reading it.

Thank you for your interest and comment. I feel I have answered the point you raise in #5, but appreciate you giving thought to my poem. The fact that two people focus on the same point means it certainly needs looking at

[DC Black]

Hi,
I enjoyed this poem very much. It is simple and to the point and put me in mind of Mary Elizabeth Frye's "Do not stand at my grave...)
The imagery you have used works very well for me, though the word 'blanket' in the first line doesn't flow as well as perhaps 'fall on' would - just my opinion :-) My favourite lines are There is no restlessness in death,
no memories of life held dear. 
and
Time for me is now the same
as the time before my birth.

These lines are very comforting, well thought out and executed.

[Sciencegeek]

I really loved this. When you say, "corruption hid by purity," I gathered that it was a bit of a metaphor for the broader corruption of humanity versus the purity of nature. I like the imagery, and the sense that you are at peace with a natural process of life. I also thought it was interesting that there was a bit of an oxymoron, in that the speaker seems to be in the perspective of the already-dead, yet explains they lack consciousness ("No memories," "before birth"). I would suggest not repeating "time" in the last stanza, it sounds a little off. Overall, great poem.

[RiverNotch]

Amen

Let soft snow blanket my grave,
Corruption hid by purity Technical note: why the cap on corruption? Might as well cap purity, eternity, if you're saying it's a concept all its own.
concealing soil and withered flowers
marking my eternity.

Cry for yourself but not for me;
I do not weep nor do I fear.
There is no restlessness in death,
no memories of life held dear.

Time for me is now the same
as the time before my birth.
As my flesh and bones decay
and I return to Mother Earth. Technical note: better comma than period for the sentence before this. Fragment.

Ah, peace in death -- tired sentiment, I think. And the way you say it, for me, robs it of novelty -- there's just too much universality in metrically relating one's death to snow and flowers over the grave, to loss of memory and sorrow, to returning to the primal womb. Constructed well enough, sure, but forgettable.

[Julius]

Thank you all, I'm pleased that you have considered my poem and made some very valid points. If I do an edit I shall definitely find most comments useful.
PS the capital "c" that begins "corruption" was a simple typo.

[Mr.Malicious]

Amen

Let soft snow blanket my grave,
Corruption hid by purity
concealing soil and withered flowers
marking my eternity. «Favorite line right here, but what is marking your eternity? Elaborate more.»

Cry for yourself but not for me;
I do not weep nor do I fear.
There is no restlessness in death,[

Time for me is now the same
as the time before my birth.
As my flesh and bones decay
and I return to Mother Earth. «As last post said, I'd replace return with descend»

[tectak]

Amen

Let soft snow blanket my grave,Skirting dangerously close to cliche...we shall see.
Corruption hid by purityThis may be a uniquely stated line...
concealing soil and withered flowersas is this, though it is not clear in intent. This is probably a syntactical problem
marking my eternity.

Cry for yourself but not for me;Luke 23:28. Holy shit, a cliche of biblical proportions surely?
I do not weep nor do I fear.Gotami Sutta: Gotami - Access to Insight...almost plagiarism
There is no restlessness in death,Sadly, it is a well known state which directly contradicts you here.
no memories of life held dear.

Time for me is now the same
as the time before my birth.
As my flesh and bones decayGenesis 2:23. If you MUST use these poorly masked quotations you are well advised to add footnotes/credits
and I return to Mother Earth.Universal cliche.

I am sorry to say this, but regardless of your motivation for "writing" this piece, it is either knowingly or ignorantly (in a nice way) written by others. I cannot comment otherwise.
Best,
tectak