Wrath Like Thunder (Revision 3)

[Todd]

I think I'll adopt Lizzie's suggested opening or at least some close resemblance to it.

Where I'm bogging down is near the end. I think the Lizzie's suggested line:

"till no one was left to cry out" is clearer than my "with no one left to cry out"

I'm not a fan of until and till being in so short a poem though.

I could go with:

"and no one was left to cry out"

I could end the previous phrase with a semicolon and then say:

"no one was left to cry out"

That one would change the structure slightly.

I don't know if anyone has any thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

I'd vote for "and no one was left to cry out"

I say that because I enjoyed the lack of stops within the poem except for the pause of the stanza break.

[Todd]

Thanks, Lizzie. I was leaning toward that one. The other part where you collapsed until I into the first stanza--I get why you did that it and it does make sense. I'm actually considering though having I stand alone in the middle and move up. The speaker for me is the pivot point and I probably should have started there but I have a slight bias against one-word lines. I do realize the trade-off effects the pace. New revision up soon.

[Knot]

Hi Todd,
enjoyed this, though I wouldn't claim to have followed all the biblical references.
Couple of thoughts.
'sank' for 'hushed' - gives you the paired vowel 'a' with 'damp'
(nicer sonics, to my ear anyway).

In S3 you've got some rhymes and a rhythm that stops just as it gets going.
Just a suggestion;
held the world
under water,
matching murder
[for murder]
drop-for-drop,
and no one was left
(I don't think this line should start with 'and')
to cry out.

Best, Knot

[Todd]

Thanks, Knot. Some good suggestions. I'm going to let this one sit and give it some distance before revising.

Appreciate the feedback.

Best,

Todd