Edit 1: She is not my grandmother

[rose]

She is not my grandmother





Painted face, alien face, eyes closed.

A sickly sweet perfume traps me.





Her lips dyed red

to match my blood.

I see my blurred face

staring in the coffin side.





Lips flat, no loving smiling,

she is not my grandmother.

Roses bloom, yet eyes stay closed.


Original:

Roses: She is not my grandmother

Painted face, eyes closed, lying still.
The scent of roses fills the air,
roses that lie heaped upon the coffin.


Her lips dyed red
to match the roses.
Powdered face froze,
waiting to smell the floral scent.


Painted face, alien face,
she is not my grandmother.
Lips flat, she is not smiling,
she is not my grandmother.
Roses bloom, yet eyes stay closed.
The floral scent fills the room.

[Richard]

Hey rose,
I like what you're going for in this poem. However, my biggest suggestion would be to vary some of you language use. I'll go into greater detail below:

Roses: She is not my grandmother -The word "roses" is in this poem a lot, so I would suggest dropping it from the title. As well, the rest of the title is a line in the poem, so I would also recommend reworking the title.

Painted face, eyes closed, lying still. -I get the impression that the speaker's grandmother is dead here, but it sounds too much like she's just asleep. If that was your intention, then ignore this point.
The scent of roses fills the air, -This is one of those times where you need to show instead of telling. What did they smell like?
roses that lie heaped upon the coffin. -I would suggest not using the word "roses" a second time here.


Her lips dyed red
to match the roses. -I understand the emphasis on the roses. I just wonder if it would be more appropriate to come up with a non-rose metaphor here to describe the red of her lips?
Powdered face froze, -The speaker already mentioned how her face was painted. May be give some details for how it looked. For example, how did it look frozen?
waiting to smell the floral scent. -I don't get this line, but may be I'm missing something. It wouldn't be the first time.


Painted face, alien face, -I would suggest cutting "Painted face," from this line.
she is not my grandmother. -This line seems to be the whole point of the poem. I would recommend rearranging this stanza and ending on it.
Lips flat, she is not smiling, -I would suggest adding a metaphor/simile here. Her lips were flat as...
she is not my grandmother. -Although I think this is an important point, I don't think it needs to be repeated.
Roses bloom, yet eyes stay closed.
The floral scent fills the room. -I like the last two lines here. I just think the image of the rose here is hurt by the fact that roses have been mentioned so much throughout the poem.

I think you have a good idea here. You just need to play around with the language more. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[illya_v]

Hi Rose, I like what you’ve created here. You’ve very simplistically conveyed a reality probably everyone experiences. Is there a soul? Is there a multi-dimensional or transcendent existence where some sort of our essence continues “living” or at least experiencing anything that it did in the physical state? It’s truly harrowing observing someone close to you in the manner you describe.

 
Structurally, I really think omitting Roses: at the beginning would make for a better beginning. We would dive right into the scene and emotion without it, because I stopped reading to backtrack and make sense of the coloned-Roses and it disrupted the flow and inhabitation within the poem.
 
I also suggest considering changing lying still because it implies she’s alive, maybe just omit lying or use another synonym for still.
 
Concerning:
 
Powdered face froze,
waiting to smell the floral scent.
 
Again I suggest changing waiting because it implies she’s alive, maybe re-work the line to express that she isn’t smelling the scent? Or that she never will again? I figure I should just mention this because I was conflicted about mentioning it: froze seems a bit off for this scene and context, even metaphorically. Might “in repose” be better? Bodies are refrigerated but not frozen. And I would re-work the 2nd line to not have her waiting to smell the scent. However the contrast between fresh blossoms and their scent with the state of the grandmother is effective, I would continue exploring it.
 
Concerning Lips flat, she is not smiling, I suggest revising the 2nd part of this line to describe her expressionlessness. Saying not smiling kinda implies she’s alive. Showing her alien-ness would be more effective.
 
Best with revisions!

[alonso ramoran]

Hi rose, thoughts below

Roses: She is not my grandmother

Painted face, eyes closed, lying still. I like the start
The scent of roses fills the air, I feel like this is a cliche way of describing how the air smells of roses but at the risk of sounding too poetic, this should suffice. Maybe you could find a balance?
roses that lie heaped upon the coffin. I don't think roses needs to be repeated in this third line


Her lips dyed red
to match the roses. I'm not liking the repetition of roses. The previous line deserves a better comparison.
Powdered face froze,
waiting to smell the floral scent. How is she waiting to smell the floral scent? Isn't this scent already in the room? Also not too keen on the constant reference to the smell of roses.


Painted face, alien face, This line seems kinda redundant to me bc half of it is already mentioned in the first line. Maybe cut this and add "alien" in description of the painted face in the first line, like "painted alien face"
she is not my grandmother.
Lips flat, she is not smiling, This line seems kinda dull to me bc I don't feel for the reason the speaker would point out his/her grandma's neutral face expression bc there is no reason given. How was she like when she did smile?
she is not my grandmother. I can get the repetition here bc it really sounds like the speaker is in denial, one of those stages of grief.
Roses bloom, yet eyes stay closed. At this point, the repetition of roses seems overdone. I like how you point out that her eyes remain closed as if you're waiting for them to open, bringing back up that theme of denial, I just think you could do so with more umph in the imagery, maybe throw in a metaphor, etc.
The floral scent fills the room. Im not liking how you ended with a phrase you've repeated two other times with slight variations in the poem. And the phrase, to me, is bordering on cliche. Maybe you could have ended on the previous line while taking my advice on that line above.

My main issues with this poem is the redundant repetition of multiple phrases you've got going on, and the reliance you have on them for imagery and sensory details. After all this repetition, I'm lead to wonder: could you have made this a shorter, tighter piece?

[rose]

Edit 1 posted. Thanks to all who helped!

[Keith]

She is not my grandmother If you chose to open with this line, its a good opening that draws me in as a reader, but you woill need to change the title (Open casket)? you also wouldn't need to mention coffin later.
Painted face, alien face, eyes closed. Painted, alien face? eyes closed is too basic, think of a better way to describe this
A sickly sweet perfume traps me. I like this shift in the senses it adds a darker dimension.

Her lips dyed red I like how dyed can play on two levels,
to match my blood. this line doesnt work for me maybe delete and change the above line to 'Her lips dyed blood red'
I see my blurred face
staring in the coffin side. coffin is too obvious, give the reader credit we already know maybe think about reflections in brass handles or the sheene on the mahogany, your poem.

Lips flat, no loving smiling, the phrasing in this line is off  ( two ings ) and you have already covered lips, so try to show the reader something else.
she is not my grandmother. this should probably be your closing line circling back to the start
Roses bloom, yet eyes stay closed. I like the comparison of the flowers on the casket being vibrant in stark contrast to the image the reader is seeing between life and death.

Hi Rose
I like the intamacy of the poem and how it singles in on that moment which in itself is slightly macabre and I also like that feeling and statement of rejection you manage to put across. I think your word choices could improve and I also think you need to give the reader more to see through your images, consider a macro view and the details that only the N would notice in the painted face. I like the reflection and the smell. This is coming along nicely but I think you still have work to do. Best Keith

[Knot]

Hi Rose,

I like the opening (except for closed eyes) and the overall idea, but, to me it seems to lack focus.
I think you could develop the 'painted alien face' (which is a phrase I like) across the whole piece.
Put some specific details in an elaborate on (how you react to each of) them (but not the clichéd 'red lips').
Just a suggestion;
A sickly sweet perfume traps me
before a painted alien face.
Blind and coloured in....

reveal the scenario, don't start with it.
(If you could give the impression you were standing
before a painting or a museum exhibit,
the reveal might have more impact)

End with the lines,
Lips flat, no loving smiling,
she is not my grandmother

Best, Knot.

[RiverNotch]

Roses: She is not my grandmother I'm reviewing this one first because this is the one I first focused on. That said, the title's pushing it.



Painted face, eyes closed, lying still.

The scent of roses fills the air, 

roses that lie heaped upon the coffin. Third roses (I'm counting the title) in the piece. Again, pushing it, plus "that" sort of breaks the rhythm.





Her lips dyed red

to match the roses. Roses four, though omitting the two pushing-it roses, and it's not bad.

Powdered face froze, ...whose face? Which could be the speaker identifying with the dead, but there's no such indication all throughout.

waiting to smell the floral scent. The speaker's face? But then the opening line suggests a fixation on the face of the dead, and "painted face" and "powdered face" are practically synonyms -- as well, to smell is such a passive sensation, "waiting to smell" isn't a sufficient enough personification of a corpse.





Painted face, alien face, "alien" is pushing the speaker's detachment -- it reeks too much of anti-immigrant talk (which, as far as I can tell, is not a thing in this piece) or of science fiction.

she is not my grandmother. 

Lips flat, she is not smiling,

she is not my grandmother.

Roses bloom, yet eyes stay closed.
The floral scent fills the room. That said, the repetition makes this final stanza for me -- there's something about the mourner having, for her mantra, "she is not my grandmother", plus the ending's pained return to the world of (highly evocative, noting Proust) sensation, that gives the poem bite...



She is not my grandmother





Painted face, alien face, eyes closed.

A sickly sweet perfume traps me.





Her lips dyed red

to match my blood.

I see my blurred face

staring in the coffin side.





Lips flat, no loving smiling,

she is not my grandmother.

Roses bloom, yet eyes stay closed. ...and so, having lost it here, the piece seems a little worse. "A sickly sweet perfume traps me", without any indication of what exactly this perfume is (formalin?), then instead of roses, "blood", one well-worn image swapped for another: whatever metaphor was supposed to hold this together now falls apart. "I see my blurred face / staring in the coffin side" definitely clarifies the whole painted face, powdered face bit (although I would prefer it worded differently, there's something awkward about it: a coffin's not a cliff, what coffin is that reflective?, and who stares into a coffin('s) side?), but other than that, I think there's little merit to the additions -- "no loving smiling" is a far more awkward repetition than "she is not smiling, / she is not my grandmother". The fact that it's shorter and the fact that it's a few roses less is good, but perhaps dial it back a bit.