When a song must be sung: short poem

[Achebe]

When a song must be sung
it shall ring from the rooftops
drummed by the hoof drops
of rising rain.

Though money's for the taking
on deals in the making
your lips will be quaking
from words unsaid.

[Lizzie]

When a song must be sung
it shall ring from the rooftops -- cliche?
drummed by the hoof drops
of rising rain.

Though money's for the taking
on deals in the making
your lips will be quaking
from words unsaid.

Confused by the rhyme scheme. Sung doesn't have a pair unless it's ring or drummed, then rooftops and drops pair....does rain pair with unsaid? It doesn't, the way I would say them. But, taking, making, quaking are so straightforward in their rhyme, it makes the ones that don't have a clear match really stand out.

[Achebe]

It's irregular.
Thanks for reviving this one from the dead!!

[Erthona]

Accentual verse to accents per line. Rhyme pattern XAAX XBBX (just to get that out of the way).


"drummed by the hoof drops of rising rain."

Seems it would work better without "hoof" as it plays no part and only confuses. i.e.

"drummed by the drops of the rising rain."

I like the basic idea as stated in the title, but I don't really see a connection to S2, although the first line in S2 could be "money does the talking" which would fit somewhat into the general theme.

S2L4 might expand to "from the words left unsaid."

To me, you seemed to start strong, but then got distracted by the rhythm and rhyme and completely wondered away from your general them.

Keep working this one.

Best,

dale

[burrealist]

When a song must be sung
it shall ring from the rooftops Or "will" ? 
drummed by the hoof drops
of rising rain. This was impressive to me. Drumming liquid off a surface- nice imagery, and I also like the reversal from rain falling.

Though money's for the taking
on deals in the making
your lips will be quaking
from words unsaid. I think of thunder right here. 

[Achebe]

Thanks for reading and commenting, Dale and burrealist.
@dale - the hoof drops are to rhyme with rooftops. Thanks for your comments on the rest of the poem. Food for thought there.
@burrealist - I think both "will" and "shall" are grammatically acceptable there, the latter implyimg conscious deliberation perhaps. Thanks for your other comments.