Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
![[Image: AtTheAirport.jpg]](http://wordbiscuit.com/im15/AtTheAirport.jpg)
< Denver Airport at 8 am >
the Rocky Mountains turn
to roars and runways
taxis, cars, and buses
concrete parking echoes
of departures and arrivals
luggage
brown and black
it's going somewhere
with a man whose sign is saying "Jackson"
jeans and suits and open sandals, cowboy boots
and bathrooms filled with soap and toilet tissue
as we comb our hair
good socks
clean shirt
fresh underwear
and cops and terrorists and me
at tiny tables
drink expensive coffee
sitting
waiting
here in Denver
- - -
Criticism is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)
Ancillary images:
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 54
Threads: 16
Joined: Mar 2017
How the heck did anyone find their luggage? I live in Denver. It's starting to become very crowded here. I want all the hipsters to go away- rent has become ridiculous.
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
(03-28-2017, 03:26 AM)burrealist Wrote: How the heck did anyone find their luggage? I live in Denver. It's starting to become very crowded here. I want all the hipsters to go away- rent has become ridiculous. This is what you get for legalizing marijuana.
Maybe California will take some of the pressure off -- Texas sure as hell ain't (sigh).
(03-26-2017, 05:12 AM)Lizzie Wrote: (03-25-2017, 05:46 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: < Denver Airport at 8 am >
the Rocky Mountains turn to -- weak break
roars and runways
I moved the "to" down to the second line. Pathetic, maybe, but at least I'm trying.
luggage
brown and black
is going somewhere -- 'is' trips me up every time. I keep wanting to read "are." Is there any way you can take out the 'is' and
put in something else? It's because 'brown and black' is plural, and so the singular sounds strange after that. Maybe it's just me.
While it's grammatically correct, as the singular 'is' agrees with the singular 'luggage';
it's still distracting as a singular group of plural items always seems to cause dissonance.
So I changed 'is' to 'it's' which hides the 'is' with a contraction.
clean socks
nice shirt -- 'nice' is weak
fresh underwear -- ah, the feel of these things after a long journey :
Changed 'clean' to 'good' and 'nice' to 'clean'. (Now don't go complaining about 'good'.)
and cops and terrorists and me -- my favorite line of the whole thing. I never think so much about terrorism as when I fly.
I usually think "useless bureaucracy" and "boy, I bet somebody made a mint on those scanning machines".
at tiny tables
drink expensive coffee -- love this detail, and it's so true. Tiny, expensive coffee. 
sitting -- meh. I've inferred this from the 'tables.'
waiting
here in Denver
What? You've never stood on a table? Or lied? 
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2016
I am somewhat confused by the scene here: the opening line indicates that you have just arrived in Denver, but sitting at a table "drink[ing] expensive coffee" seems more like a 'waiting for the plane to board' activity in my experience. I suppose this could be a layover. Or else you are waiting for a ride/for your luggage to be ready? I kind of wish there was more context, but I also like the dispassionate tone that implies a narrative without directly presenting it--i.e. this is a business trip or something, gauging by the speaker's focus on nice clothes and willingness to drink expensive coffee.
As far as form goes, the opening five lines have a good associative flow, very expansive in contrast to the poem's centered ending. Moving the "to" was definitely an improvement. The three lines beginning w/ "luggage" are weaker and come abruptly, breaking the beginning's flow. "it's going somewhere" in particular is too disinterested and passive for my tastes. I like that you use line breaks in lieu of punctuation. Is all the luggage going with the "man whose sign [says] Jackson?" That is what the poem, as written, seems to be saying. Regardless, I like the "man whose sign [says] Jackson" detail except that it should be "says" instead of "is saying" which is passive, confusing, and worse sounding. The next two long lines are an excellent segue from the "Jackson" line because the associative train of thought makes a great deal of sense. I like that the poem starts out expansive, contracts, expands again, and contracts again in the end, but I still think the "luggage" stuff is weak. "Hair"/"Underwear" is a cute (in a good way) rhyme. "Clean socks/neat shirt" IMO, but YMMV. The ending is good, blissfully ordinary. The "terrorists" line is hilarious.
Overall, good stuff. Having gone over the poem in detail it seems probable to me that you have arrived after an overnight/early morning flight in Denver on a business pretext and are now waiting for someone to pick you up, but I'm still not certain. The poem succeeds, so I'm not sure the scene needs to be clearer, but I tend to dislike ambiguity.
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
I have a herniation in my c7 and reading this made it worse. The formatting doesn't work on a mobile phone and I have to sweep my eyes across the screen back and forth. Where can I send you the bill for my MRI?
I agree with Lizziep for once that the ending on 'turn' isn't satisfactory, and ending L1 on 'roars' might be better.
I love the details in 'Jackson', 'tiny tables' and 'expensive coffee'.
Not a poem for all time, but a lovely little vignette of life.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 54
Threads: 16
Joined: Mar 2017
(03-25-2017, 05:46 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
< Denver Airport at 8 am >
the Rocky Mountains turn
to roars and runways
taxis, cars, and buses
concrete parking echoes
of departures and arrivals
luggage
brown and black
it's going somewhere
with a man whose sign is saying "Jackson"
jeans and suits and open sandals, cowboy boots
and bathrooms filled with soap and toilet tissue
as we comb our hair
good socks
clean shirt
fresh underwear
and cops and terrorists and me
at tiny tables
drink expensive coffee
sitting
waiting
here in Denver
- - -
Criticism is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)
Ancillary images:
Did you take the A-Line to Union Station? Did you see how many homeless crackheads live down there? Did you notice how many unbelievably modelesque, post-college professionals have swarmed the city- all wearing their pointy, leather shoes and pricey, yet swooshy hair-cuts?
Posts: 1,139
Threads: 466
Joined: Nov 2013
(03-25-2017, 05:46 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
< Denver Airport at 8 am >
it feels like something to be shorn. this already works, but not totally -- the first part, from the Rocky to luggage, doesn't sound right, and the last part, from as we comb on, doesn't look right.
the Rocky Mountains turn
to roars and runways
taxis, cars, and buses
concrete parking echoes i mean concrete parking echoes flows smoothly, but smoothness i don't think fits the picture. i would suggest remove "and buses", reject punctuation, move concrete up a line, and lose "-ing"
of departures and arrivals this reads too airplane-y, and thus completely unnecessary. turn, runways, taxis all convey this sense of airline movement well enough.
luggage
brown and black nothing's really done with "luggage / brown and black" here, especially since the emphasis on luggage really makes it feel like a sort of turn, yet brown and black aren't any dissimilar from the previous.
it's going somewhere would be more interesting just cutting to the chase, losing "it's"
with a man whose sign is saying "Jackson" lose too "is" and replace "-ing" with "-s"
jeans and suits and open sandals, cowboy boots
and bathrooms filled with soap and toilet tissue but yeah, this whole section, from "a man whose sign" down to "toilet tissue", really pops, the sudden injection of color capturing that proper, cosmopolitan feel. what comes afterward, though, is a slog.
as we comb our hair this seems to be an attempt to return to a syntax not needing to be returned to.
good socks
clean shirt
fresh underwear the picture of universality from "as we comb" to "fresh underwear" though feels like the right sort of landing, preparing us for the inevitabilities of pre-departure/post-arrival ennui, but having it be yet another list at this point feels like padding. remove "good socks / clean shirt".
and cops and terrorists and me well "terrorists" is a jab that really isn't explored, to the point that the ambiguity, especially considering all the issues plaguing airports since, say, 9/11, and the concept of international travel since, say, the height of the current immigrant crisis, just feels, if not highly irresponsible, then at least annoying. remove.
at tiny tables
drink expensive coffee
sitting from this point on the welcome's officially overstayed, "sitting", "waiting", and for because of the slight rhyme / similar classification "drink" being yet another list. probably remove "drink", "sitting", and, especially considering the title, "here in Denver", and perhaps replace "waiting" with something that feels more, er, waiting-ey, but at this point the less specific imagery makes for an open book. key, though, is the removal of the list, as well as any mention of the actual place.
waiting
here in Denver
- - -
thanks for the read. lovely work.
Criticism is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)
Ancillary images:
|
![[Image: CatSuitcase.jpg]](http://wordbiscuit.com/im15/CatSuitcase.jpg)
![[Image: LuggageDevice.jpg]](http://wordbiscuit.com/im15/LuggageDevice.jpg)
How dare you be so talented? 
How dare you. 
