Veteran Visitation Rights

[Mark A Becker]

Veteran Visitation Rights

Very well the sea has cleaned
the hundred shapes of soles
from the exploded beaches,
leaving clean the commonplaces.

Pretend not to hear
the spitting rounds of the patrols;
the half-forgotten faces
who slithered, slobbering in the holes.

Dim reminders of tedious years.
Along this cape, a ten watt bulb is best
in sand flea, furnished flop rooms.
Old mistakes don’t look real now.

The lean bone wants real rest-
not half.
Best watch out bone,
the sea hears real damn well.



...mb

I very rarely post notes with a poem, but.... the words in my poem are exactly the same as those in another poem, but the words in each are arranged very differently.  I hope to find that poem among my papers so that I can share it:  it's astonishing that the exact same words can result in two completely different pieces.

[billy]

the 1st two stanza read well enough but the 2nd two felt like they needed some work meter wise. the last stanza lost me, is it a piece of bone in the sand? the poem start out on a good footing and by the third stanza goes a bit wobbly bob.

Veteran Visitation Rights

Very well the sea has cleaned
the hundred shapes of soles
from the exploded beaches,
leaving clean the commonplaces. i like this opening stanza, and think the soles line is excellent in that it makes the reader do a double take

Pretend not to hear my brain feels like this line needs to be a foot longer
the spitting rounds of the patrols;
the half-forgotten faces
who slithered, slobbering in the holes. again it reads well even though the meter isn't exactly the same as above. nice s's

Dim reminders of tedious years. this feels dissonant, to much so.
Along this cape, a ten watt bulb is best and i think this is one of the reasons why, the meter seems to be at war
in sand flea, furnished flop rooms.
Old mistakes don’t look real now. again this line feels clunky

The lean bone wants real rest-
not half.
Best watch out bone,
the sea hears real damn well.



...mb

I very rarely post notes with a poem, but.... the words in my poem are exactly the same as those in another poem, but the words in each are arranged very differently.  I hope to find that poem among my papers so that I can share it:  it's astonishing that the exact same words can result in two completely different pieces.

[Achebe]

Veteran Visitation Rights

Very well the sea has cleaned
the hundred shapes of soles
from the exploded beaches, ................... the surf's explosion, and the guns'...great, fresh image.
leaving clean the commonplaces.

Pretend not to hear
the spitting rounds of the patrols; .......... 'spitting rounds' - stale.
the half-forgotten faces ................... an overused expression, though it does lead on to 'dim reminders' later on.'
who slithered, slobbering in the holes............stale. 'slithered, slobbering' is trying too hard. A single adjective should suffice, less being more.

Dim reminders of tedious years. .... what are the dim reminders here? The half forgotten faces? Can a memory be a reminder? Doesn't work for me.
Along this cape, a ten watt bulb is best 
in sand flea, furnished flop rooms.
Old mistakes don’t look real now. ......... cryptic. 

The lean bone wants real rest-
not half.
Best watch out bone,
the sea hears real damn well. .... beautiful.



...mb

I very rarely post notes with a poem, but.... the words in my poem are exactly the same as those in another poem, but the words in each are arranged very differently.  I hope to find that poem among my papers so that I can share it:  it's astonishing that the exact same words can result in two completely different pieces.

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks Billy. Thanks ronsaik.

I fully agree with the issues present in this poem, and I was very tempted to change some of the words, but I stuck to my guns and used precisely the words that appear in that "other poem", which I will continue to search for.

The "word list" poem is a cruel task master, yet I highly recommend it, as it forces one's mind to make sense of a finite set of words.

I am not even sure how I would re-do this one now that I've let it go. Nor am I sure that I could affect the tone it conveys: though it admittedly tends toward obscurity.

Of course, there will be no explaining of the content by me, as the "meaning" now exists in your heads (or not).

All that said, I much appreciate the spot-on analysis given by both of you.
Thanks again,
... Mark

[Achebe]

Mark - will you be posting the other poem too? It's going to make for an interesting comparison.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Ronsaik-
Believe me, if I can find it, I will definitely post it. I've looked high and low with no luck as yet. It is startling how different it is, and I really wish I had a clue to its title or author.
... Mark

Mark - will you be posting the other poem too? It's going to make for an interesting comparison.

[milo]

Thanks Billy.  Thanks ronsaik.

I fully agree with the issues present in this poem, and I was very tempted to change some of the words, but I stuck to my guns and used precisely the words that appear in that "other poem", which I will continue to search for.

The "word list" poem is a cruel task master, yet I highly recommend it, as it forces one's mind to make sense of a finite set of words.

I am not even sure how I would re-do this one now that I've let it go.   Nor am I sure that I could affect the tone it conveys: though it admittedly tends toward obscurity.

Of course, there will be no explaining of the content by me, as the "meaning" now exists in your heads (or not).

All that said, I much appreciate the spot-on analysis given by both of you.  
Thanks again,
... Mark

The miscellaneous forum may be a better home for this considering you are not looking to workshop it.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi milo-

YES- please do move this one to the MISC area of the PEN. Thanks!... Mark

The miscellaneous forum may be a better home for this considering you are not looking to workshop it.

[billy]

i get an old soldier back on the beach [in france] remembering how it was

[Mark A Becker]

Yes Billy-
That was my intent. With the finite set of words it's about the best that I could do.
... Mark

ps. I am still (rather hopelessly) looking for that other poem. DANG!! It's messing with my head because I know that I have it some place. Some "secret" place of mine where I seem to place, and then lose, important documents. (At least I know it's a real piece of paper, because I never copied it to my computer. But, I got an 'o lot of papers... )

i get an old soldier back on the beach [in france] remembering how it was

[Achebe]

Mark, I just wanted to say that over Christmas, I went on a coastal hike and saw a lot of beaches. Your first stanza popped into my head each and every time.