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Misstruths and fabricated feelings
Actions betraying words spoken
False sentiment and hollow truths
Promises made to be broken
Incomplete love bitter sweet
Betrayal tasting sour
Time lapses as does judgement
Reckoning upon the hour
Ill will and discontent
Never to be satisfied
Scornful bruises battered and torn
Joyous feelings ratified
Time marches forward
Footsteps heavy in the dirt
Unrelenting and unforgiving
Not stopping if you're hurt
Lessons in life
Twisted and cruel
Summer always breaks
For winters' renewal
Absolute randomness of reality
Posts: 131
Threads: 33
Joined: Sep 2015
The lack of punctuation makes this tough to interpret.
I enjoy the many ideas this poem produces, but it seems like abstracts on top of abstracts. I know this is in misc. and you're probably not looking for crit but I see potential here for something dope.
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hello mind-
Since this is MISC, a critique is not called for, but I do feel I should point out a few things that I noticed. See comments in-line
(10-11-2015, 01:52 PM)Stateofmind Wrote: Misstruths and fabricated feelings
Actions betraying words spoken
False sentiment and hollow truths
Promises made to be brokenyou set up a rhyme scheme here, but be careful, as rhyming can easily give a light sing-song feeling to a piece
Incomplete love bitter sweet
Betrayal tasting sourthe rhyme seems forced to go with "hour". Words may "taste" sour, but not betrayal
Time lapses as does judgement
Reckoning upon the hourI don't know what this means
Ill will and discontent
Never to be satisfied
Scornful bruises battered and torn even in a poem it is hard to understand "scornful bruises" . Very odd personification.
Joyous feelings ratifiedAh c'mon, this is a definite forced rhyme
Time marches forward
Footsteps heavy in the dirt
Unrelenting and unforgiving
Not stopping if you're hurt meter stumbles into the rhyme
Lessons in life
Twisted and cruelthere are plenty of good lessons in life, and I don't buy this generalization
Summer always breaksWhat you're trying to say may be clear in your head, but not mine.
For winters' renewalWinter as a renewal??? It is the beginning of the new year, on the calendar, but spring is the season of renewal. Cool rhyme with "cruel" but not the right place for it.
Be careful of becoming a slave to a rhyme scheme. You seen to be so intent upon getting the rhymes that you lose me concerning the meaning. Please have someone read this aloud to you.
All that said, a couple of changes could still make this one work. Give it some time and come back to it.
Thanks,
... Mark
Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: Nov 2015
(10-11-2015, 01:52 PM)Stateofmind Wrote: Misstruths and fabricated feelings
Actions betraying words spoken
False sentiment and hollow truths
Promises made to be broken
Incomplete love bitter sweet
Betrayal tasting sour
Time lapses as does judgement
Reckoning upon the hour
Ill will and discontent
Never to be satisfied
Scornful bruises battered and torn
Joyous feelings ratified
Time marches forward
Footsteps heavy in the dirt
Unrelenting and unforgiving
Not stopping if you're hurt
Lessons in life
Twisted and cruel
Summer always breaks
For winters' renewal
i wasnt the biggest fan of the ending, i really like the last verse, but the last line kind of through me, why "For winters' renewal"? why not "with winters' renewal" , using for makes it seem like your on winters side. also if you are gonna talk about winter at the end try to fore shadow it in the line "Footsteps heavy in the dirt" maybe say "footsteps heavy in the snow" or even switch some words around like "footsteps in heavy snow" making it seem like your getting stuck in this past, or moment in time. really liked the story however, easy to relate.
