October the First
#1
Just some scribblings I'd like to get thoughts on- thanks for reading 


October the First

I long for that longing. 
The night’s coldness creeps into me,
The farthest reaches of my body,
And I wish I had someone to wish for.
 
Someone to ache for.
Someone to bring back the warmth in my fingertips,
Toes,
The tip of my nose.

The lack of hurting hurts,
Despising the emptiness of my bed
Would at least mean it was once full.
The lack of a feeling makes me feel more.

It makes the fall leaves fall harder. 
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.

It’s final destination is 
Simply the crunch of a step 
On the way to 
Wherever you are going.

But if I am the leaf,
No shoe has cared enough to notice me,
To come across me,
Even to step on me. 

I may be shrivelled and soggy
Before anyone
Even has a chance 
To make me crunch.

What I know is,
I can not walk in straight lines unless someone is there
To hold my hand. 
And there is no one.
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#2
I love the emotion you express here without going to any great length of wording to accomplish it. Lots of lines with four or fewer words, and it works very nicely. It's something I myself struggle a great deal with when writing.

For criticisms, I would lose the word repetition in the first, second, and fourth stanzas. Find synonyms for "long","wish", "hurts", "lack", and "fall" and replace one word of each pair with them, because this little structural detail distracts from the actual feeling and "from the heart" honesty of the poem, as it is mostly abandoned as a structural regularity half way through.

The first two lines of the sixth stanza, "But if I am the leaf, No shoe has cared enough to notice me," are fantastic! I absolutely love them.

However, these two lines really sucked the wind out the six lines that followed them ("To come across me... - ...To make me crunch.") My immediate assumption after the first two lines was that the leaf was not being stepped on, ignored, left to decay (or be swept away or something else of that nature). The following six just reiterate the point without adding any more emotion or detail to it. The "it will be too late for love when it finds me" message of the 7th stanza gets a little lost because of this. "I may be shriveled and soggy" is a good opening line for it, but the other three lines just let me go without taking me anywhere new or interesting.

The last stanza is excellent. I read it as being honest, hopelessly so, and even accepting of the situation to a degree. It makes me sad, and that makes me happy to have read this. Thank you!
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#3
(10-03-2015, 09:23 AM)hannah.h Wrote:  Just some scribblings I'd like to get thoughts on- thanks for reading 


October the First

I long for that longing. 
The night’s coldness creeps into me,
The farthest reaches of my body,
And I wish I had someone to wish for.
 
Someone to ache for.
Someone to bring back the warmth in my fingertips,
Toes,
The tip of my nose.

The lack of hurting hurts,
Despising the emptiness of my bed
Would at least mean it was once full.
The lack of a feeling makes me feel more.

It makes the fall leaves fall harder. 
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.

It’s final destination is 
Simply the crunch of a step 
On the way to 
Wherever you are going.

But if I am the leaf,
No shoe has cared enough to notice me,
To come across me,
Even to step on me. 

I may be shrivelled and soggy
Before anyone
Even has a chance 
To make me crunch.

What I know is,
I can not walk in straight lines unless someone is there
To hold my hand. 
And there is no one.

In your second stanza it seems like a break between the words "warmth" and "in" would better mirror the flow of your poem. shrivelled is spelled shriveled. The line "Would at least mean it was once full." has great content but I feel like the way its worded chopps up the flow of the poem. I feel like you have great material but  you may need to work on more the way the poem sounds.
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#4
There's some really awesome emotion behind this piece. I can feel the pain behind it and I love the paradox phrasing, for example "The lack of feeling makes me feel more." I think it brings a lot to the piece and really emphasizes how something is nothing but everything at the same time. I can feel for the narrator and the longing for someone. I think that's what drives this piece, not just longing for something, but there's nothing coming either, you can really feel the demise in the narrators voice/tone.
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#5
Hey wow, that was really good, you managed to express a very vulnerable part of yourself without being cliche... and it had such a natural flow... I loved being able to get the message without feeling overwhelmed; It wasn't unnecessarily dramatic, and came off as incredibly genuine. I think that's a really tough thing for a lot of people to do, including myself.

The first half of the poem is my absolute favorite.

"I long for that longing.                                                
The night’s coldness creeps into me,
The farthest reaches of my body,
And I wish I had someone to wish for.

Someone to ache for.
Someone to bring back the warmth in my fingertips,
Toes,
The tip of my nose.

The lack of hurting hurts,
Despising the emptiness of my bed
Would at least mean it was once full.
The lack of a feeling makes me feel more."

I feel like I can relate to all of that on a very intimate, human level... which I believe is the one of the most impressive victories a poet could ever hope to achieve.
Very well done, thank you for sharing it.
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#6
(10-03-2015, 09:23 AM)hannah.h Wrote:  October the First

I long for that longing. 
The night’s coldness creeps intome,
the farthest reaches of my body.
And I wish I had someone to wish for,
 
someone to ache for,
someone to bring back the warmth in my fingertips,
toes,
the tip of my nose.

The lack of hurting hurts.
Despising the emptiness of my bed
would at least mean it was once full.
The lack of a feeling makes me feel more.
I am having trouble with this line. I know it is phrased this way to match the others like it, and those work for me. But this one doesn't work logistically, to both lack feeling and feel more. However, simply rephrasing could solve the conundrum. Smile I understand what you are meaning to say "The absence of certain feelings leaves a void that feels, possibly, more acute than the feelings would feel if they had been there instead." But obviously it needs to be condensed to something like what you have. I've been playing around with it and can't find the right solution. Which is for the best, since it's not my poem. But It seems like just one or two words tweaked could make the meaning more clear. Something like "The lack of this feeling," or "The lack of one feeling."

It makes the fall leaves fall harder, 
like the world collapses-
or at least a world collapses-
as each one tumbles down. I lke this image. Smile

Its final destination is "Its" =posessive, "it's"= it is
simply the crunch of a step 
on the way to 
wherever you are going.

But, if I am the leaf,
no shoe has cared enough to notice me,
to come across me,
even to step on me. 

I may be shrivelled and soggy
before anyone
even has a chance 
to make me crunch.

What I know is,
I can not walk in straight lines unless someone is there
to hold my hand, 
and there is no one.

The poem, for me, would have more impact if you end on the second to last verse instead. This last one doesn't fit with the previous imagery, and feels like you are spelling it out for the reader just in case they didn't get it. It would be much better to leave me with the image of a shriveled leaf, so lonely it would be happy to get stepped on simply because it wants to feel something, even if that something is the destruction of a crunch. Smile
I like how this poem captures that intensified loneliness and longing that the first cold days of fall seem to bring with it. I made mostly little suggstions here and there. And that's what they are, merely suggestions, options if you want them, another way to look at things. I do have trouble with that feeling line, but in the end it was clear what you meant, even phrased as it is, and perhaps that's what matters in the end. Smile All the best,
-Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 
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#7
(10-03-2015, 09:23 AM)hannah.h Wrote:  Just some scribblings I'd like to get thoughts on- thanks for reading 


October the First

I long for that longing. 
The night’s coldness creeps into me,
The farthest reaches of my body,
And I wish I had someone to wish for.
 
Someone to ache for.
Someone to bring back the warmth in my fingertips,
Toes,
The tip of my nose.

The lack of hurting hurts,
Despising the emptiness of my bed
Would at least mean it was once full.
The lack of a feeling makes me feel more.

It makes the fall leaves fall harder. 
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.

It’s final destination is 
Simply the crunch of a step 
On the way to 
Wherever you are going.

But if I am the leaf,
No shoe has cared enough to notice me,
To come across me,
Even to step on me. 

I may be shrivelled and soggy
Before anyone
Even has a chance 
To make me crunch.

What I know is,
I can not walk in straight lines unless someone is there
To hold my hand. 
And there is no one.

Wow.... this really hit me. Great symbolism between a leaf on the sidewalk and love. I took the leaf as a person who, even knowing they'll die from being loved (the crunching the leaf hopes for???)... or at least a part of them will... they still crave it. Especially when compared to the alternative, soggy and wet (hurting from never having loved???) Anyways. .. this was really great. I enjoyed it.
Absolute randomness of reality
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#8
Hi Hannah, I really enjoyed this and it resonated with me on several levels. I loved the marriage of the deeply personal thoughts and fears with the onset of Autumn, which always has a powerful effect upon me.

In keeping with one of the previous comments, I felt the elements of repetition were both a strength and weakness. "wish I had someone to wish for" worked really well and tugged at me and I also liked "the lack of a feeling makes me feel more". However, "the lack of hurting hurts" and "fall leaves fall harder" jarred a little and felt slightly forced.

Looking back through the poem, I think the distribution of these lines might be improved. They are largely confined to early part of the work, so they appear very prominent and then suddenly disappear. Fewer instances up top, with maybe a similar device later on, would bring better balance and make the repetition seem a more organic part of the poem.

Hope this helps - it's my first critique.
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#9
(10-03-2015, 09:23 AM)hannah.h Wrote:  Just some scribblings I'd like to get thoughts on- thanks for reading 


October the First

I long for that longing. 
The night’s coldness creeps into me,
The farthest reaches of my body,
And I wish I had someone to wish for.
 
Someone to ache for.
Someone to bring back the warmth in my fingertips,
Toes,
The tip of my nose.

The lack of hurting hurts,
Despising the emptiness of my bed
Would at least mean it was once full.
The lack of a feeling makes me feel more.

It makes the fall leaves fall harder. 
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.

It’s final destination is 
Simply the crunch of a step 
On the way to 
Wherever you are going.

But if I am the leaf,
No shoe has cared enough to notice me,
To come across me,
Even to step on me. 

I may be shrivelled and soggy
Before anyone
Even has a chance 
To make me crunch.

What I know is,
I can not walk in straight lines unless someone is there
To hold my hand. 
And there is no one.

I love this poem but I think the last stanza isn't strong enough. I feel like something needs to be added to give it extra "oomph" - the third to last stanza is much stronger.
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#10
Reading this, I definitely experienced the same heartache as the speaker in the poem!
My favorite stanza is this one here:

"It makes the fall leaves fall harder.
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down."

I like how it gives the audience something to compare that feeling total collapse to--- like, giving your audience scale. Even though the whole world isn't really collapsing, and the speaker knows that, the speaker's personal world collapses... That is genius imagery! You did a great job of putting a mental image for that experience of desolation in my head.
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#11
I really liked the verse,

It makes the fall leaves fall harder.
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down

I like the play on falling and collapsing leaves and worlds. Maybe "like the world collapsing" or "like the world, collapsing" also works.

I like the continued theme and the self doubt of,

But if I am the leaf,
No shoe has cared enough to notice me,
To come across me,
Even to step on me.

Alternatively this could be more declarative, bitter even!

I am the leaf,
That no shoe cared to notice,
...
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#12
(10-03-2015, 09:23 AM)hannah.h Wrote:  Just some scribblings I'd like to get thoughts on- thanks for reading 


October the First

I long for that longing. 
The night’s coldness creeps into me,
The farthest reaches of my body,
And I wish I had someone to wish for.
 
Someone to ache for.
Someone to bring back the warmth in my fingertips,
Toes,
The tip of my nose.

The lack of hurting hurts,
Despising the emptiness of my bed
Would at least mean it was once full.
The lack of a feeling makes me feel more.

It makes the fall leaves fall harder. 
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.

It’s final destination is 
Simply the crunch of a step 
On the way to 
Wherever you are going.

But if I am the leaf,
No shoe has cared enough to notice me,
To come across me,
Even to step on me. 

I may be shriveled and soggy
Before anyone
Even has a chance 
To make me crunch.

What I know is,
I can not walk in straight lines unless someone is there
To hold my hand. 
And there is no one.


Something I notice right away is that you capitalize the first letter of each line. Why did you make that choice?

The poem feels lonely. It's not an abandoned speaker, because being abandoned means they had someone to abandon them, but an unnoticed speaker. There are so many poems written about abandonment/loss of a loved one, that this is an interesting contrast. The speaker here would be glad to have been abandoned, as at least it would be an emotional experience.

I'm not one to really give much advice, because I'm by no means a good poet. All I could offer is that I think you could shorten a few areas, and thereby sharpen them.
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#13
(10-03-2015, 09:23 AM)hannah.h Wrote:  Just some scribblings I'd like to get thoughts on- thanks for reading 


October the First

I long for that longing. 
The night’s coldness creeps into me,
The farthest reaches of my body,
And I wish I had someone to wish for.
 
Someone to ache for.
Someone to bring back the warmth in my fingertips,
Toes,
The tip of my nose.

The lack of hurting hurts,
Despising the emptiness of my bed
Would at least mean it was once full.
The lack of a feeling makes me feel more.

It makes the fall leaves fall harder. 
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.

It’s final destination is 
Simply the crunch of a step 
On the way to 
Wherever you are going.

But if I am the leaf,
No shoe has cared enough to notice me,
To come across me,
Even to step on me. 

I may be shrivelled and soggy
Before anyone
Even has a chance 
To make me crunch.

What I know is,
I can not walk in straight lines unless someone is there
To hold my hand. 
And there is no one.

This poem brings a story that many poems i read don't bring, its quite interesting, however at the end of the poem i got a little bit lost. i couldnt follow the story any more. i dont understand how walking on a leaf and crunching it could be seen as love for one. I thought you were gonna go somewhere like leaves falling from a tree and how "a tree once full of leaves and life, now stands leaveless in a autumn night". overall very enjoyable to read, i just got a little bit confused at the endSmile
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#14
Hi Hannah!

Your poem was very touching in the beginning and I love how you were able to grasp my attention from the very first stanza. It seems that we've all been there. You lost me for a second here:  

It makes the fall leaves fall harder. 
Like the world collapses-
Or at least a world collapses-
As each one tumbles down.

In my head, "Like the world's collapsing" sound a little better.

Even has a chance 
To make me crunch.

This last part was beautiful. In fact, it may be nice to end on it. Just my two cents! Hope it helps!
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