I want to kill again

[elviaje26]

Edit one



I want to kill again


Pray for war.

At one time, life made sense.
Ambition was real.
But now, all routes to gratification
Are all exhausted.

Pray for war.

A mission more worthy than respect.
A badge more worthy than pride.
A government more worthy than life.
There are enemies that must die.

Pray for war.

There is nothing more powerful than a common enemy,
Or more honorable than a just killing,
Or more meaningful than vengeance.
War is the only answer. 

Pray for war

This is an urgent matter!
Don't just stand there!
Plead! Cry out! Beg! Demand!
Will your entire soul and pray

for war. 


















Original version-
I want to kill again



At one time, life made sense.
Ambition was real.
Now all routes to purpose have been exhausted,
All feels aimless.

Pray for war.

There is a mission more worthy than babies.
I encourage you to be a hero,
Take on the badge of honor.
There are foreigners that must die.

Pray for war.

Oh, how savory it is to be on a mission,
To kill evil people
and be a hero.
Vengeance is savory.

Pray for war.

Well will smother the foreigners with America the beautiful.
There is nothing more powerful than a common enemy
or more meaningful than a just killing.
War is the only answer.

[rowens]

You're working nice with plain statements, and repeating words like savory. The statements seem dishonest though. If they are honest to God statements then they're cheap. If they're irony they are weak, they feel more sarcastic than ironic, and sarcasm is cheaper. All irony is cheap sarcasm unless you really mean what you say, or the poem does. The first few lines set up something that never comes.

[QDeathstar]

The title and the first two lines made me want to read more, after that it kinda of fell apart into pretentiousness and arrogant sarcasm (imo).

I appreciate the impact the repetition of "pray for war" has on the piece, and I think that part is effective. I also that the lines "to kill people and be a hero". it is a nice juxtaposition that gets your attention, but I think the line before it drags on for way to long, "be on a mission" adds nothing to the poem for example.


overall, I think there is a lot of lines that meander pointlessly, the third line for instance.


also, the foreigners is too generic. We don't want to kill the Brits or the Canooks, for instance

[elviaje26]

You're working nice with plain statements, and repeating words like savory. The statements seem dishonest though. If they are honest to God statements then they're cheap. If they're irony they are weak, they feel more sarcastic than ironic, and sarcasm is cheaper. All irony is cheap sarcasm unless you really mean what you say, or the poem does. The first few lines set up something that never comes.

very helpful, thanks

---

The title and the first two lines made me want to read more, after that it kinda of fell apart into pretentiousness and arrogant sarcasm (imo).

I appreciate the impact the repetition of "pray for war" has on the piece, and I think that part is effective.  I also that the lines "to kill people and be a hero". it is a nice juxtaposition that get your attention, but I think the line before it drags on for way to line, be on a mission adds nothing to the poem for example.


overall, I think there is a lot of lines that meander pointlessly, the third line for instance.


also, the foreigners is too generic. We don't want to kill the Brits or the Canooks, for instance

very helpful thanks

[tectak]

Edit one



I want to kill again


Pray for war.

At one time, life made sense.
Ambition was real.
But now, all routes to gratification
Are all exhausted.

Pray for war.

A mission more worthy than respect.
A badge more worthy than pride.
A government more worthy than life.
There are enemies that must die.

Pray for war.

There is nothing more powerful than a common enemy,
Or more honorable than a just killing,
Or more meaningful than vengeance.
War is the only answer. 

Pray for war

This is an urgent matter!
Don't just stand there!
Plead! Cry out! Beg! Demand!
Will your entire soul and pray

for war. 

Hi,
I appreciate that this is a novice posting and understand that the piece is over-pressured by enthusiasm of desire to "get out" the point. Overall, it is this enthusiasm which cripples the intent, assuming the intent is to make good poetry, and makes the piece prone to all kinds of errors, slips and disconnects.
Rather than go at it line by line a few general comments might make sense. In the first few lines you use the word "all" twice and in quick succession. You may not feel this is a problem but when reading the piece out loud it comes across as weak...as if you cannot think of a better way.
In almost every stanza you manage to insert a word-train that creates a cliche.Life made sense, common enemy, only answer, just stand there. These are all cliches of reportage. It is difficult to say what you are trying to say in a way that is unique...so do not try. Find some other means of making your point(s)...show me what you are thinking, don't tell me. Use more imagery...hell, use SOME imagery...to illustrate the depth of feeling. Let the imagery be unique...not the point itself. Frankly, the ethos you express is not in any way new but that is to dismiss the piece outright and that is not my aim. With this amount of passion and exclamation marks flying about you deserve the encouragement to improve on what you have. As it is, it is a thinly diluted rant. Stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood...get really imaginative and do it justice.
Best,
tectak
















Original version-
I want to kill again



At one time, life made sense.
Ambition was real.
Now all routes to purpose have been exhausted,
All feels aimless.

Pray for war.

There is a mission more worthy than babies.
I encourage you to be a hero,
Take on the badge of honor.
There are foreigners that must die.

Pray for war.

Oh, how savory it is to be on a mission,
To kill evil people
and be a hero.
Vengeance is savory.

Pray for war.

Well will smother the foreigners with America the beautiful.
There is nothing more powerful than a common enemy
or more meaningful than a just killing.
War is the only answer.